At a certain point you just have to laugh, even though it’s not really funny.
The submission being referred to is NOT the one Alex Salmond sent to the Holyrood committee this week, but the one he sent to the separate Hamilton inquiry almost a month ago, which had been cleared by his lawyers and was published in full by both Wings and The Spectator and read by tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of people.
(For reasons we’re not allowed to tell you, the Wings version has been totally redacted and the Spectator’s has had one paragraph removed but is still mostly intact.)
Because the Fabiani inquiry won’t be publishing the document, that means Salmond isn’t allowed to discuss it when he gives oral evidence, and the inquiry isn’t permitted to consider any of its contents, just as with Geoff Aberdein’s submission.
(There’s very little Salmond actually WILL now be allowed to talk about if he appears before the committee. He might just about be able to confirm his name before the Lord Advocate has him arrested and charged with whatever the opposite of perjury is.)
In other words, the exact people who are supposed to be getting to the bottom of what happened are the only people in Scotland who have to pretend they haven’t read the evidence of the primary witness. (While also not being allowed to see the evidence of the other most important witness, or almost anything else.)
You really would struggle to make this stuff up, readers.
Tonight somebody’s sent us a copy of the SNP’s official Social Media Policy, which is exactly the sort of awful corporate wonk-drivel you’d probably expect it to be.
Our favourite part was this masterpiece of unrememberable gibberish in the vein of the Scottish Government’s hopeless “FACTS” slogan (honestly, without going and looking can you remember what ANY of the letters represent?) for the coronavirus :
And here’s a tweet from earlier today from a prospective SNP candidate:
We’re not sure which of the letters that conforms to.
Alert readers will have noticed by now that while we were at the dentist getting rid of all our excess money, the Fabiani inquiry has published Alex Salmond’s written evidence submission, ahead of his in-person appearance currently scheduled for next week.
We’re feeling a bit confused this morning, readers. Maybe someone can help.
Below is the key part of the letter sent by the Clerks of the Scottish Parliament, acting on behalf of the Fabiani committee, to the Crown Office and Procurator Fiscal Service (COPFS) a week and a half ago, requesting material for their investigation into the Scottish Government’s botched handling of false allegations against Alex Salmond.
As we’d told you at the time, the request was a sham, designed to produce nothing of any value, because it carefully excluded the only person whose communications with Sue Ruddick were actually of relevance – SNP chief executive Peter Murrell.
(Murrell being an employee of the party, NOT a member of the Scottish Government, a civil servant or a special adviser.)
Readers, we swear to you we are not making this up. What you’re about to read are genuine extracts from the SNP’s official new (probably illegal) Equalities Mechanism explanatory note, detailing what does and doesn’t count as a disability when it comes to jumping the queue for a regional list nomination.
And straight away it’s a real punch in the gut for firestarters, muggers, rapists, flashers and, in most cases, hay-fever sufferers. THIS BIGOTRY WILL NOT STAND.
Something most people don’t know about the infamous Spanish Inquisition is that it was never the Catholic Church that actually executed heretics. Particularly if a prisoner had refused to confess their vile heresy even under torture, the Church instead handed them over to the “mercy” of the state to deliver their end.
So SNP MP Kirsty Blackman (or as we understand some are already calling her, “the Tiny Torquemada“) would have fitted right in with it.
Or more likely, they just wanted to try to bury all of their skeletons at once in a single giant avalanche of crookedness. But either way, enough is enough. Criminals accused of perjury don’t get to decide if they’ll answer for their lies or not.
The Fabiani committee has the power to compel witnesses to attend. They must now use that power without further delay, or they must call on the police to arrest the SNP’s chief executive immediately and drag him into an interview room by his ears if need be with a solicitor in attendance. (Doubtless also paid for by SNP members.)
Scotland is not GoodFellas. Nobody is above the law. Stop this damn rot now.
The reaction to it was absolutely explosive. Half of the Parliamentary SNP spent the whole night running around social media frantically firefighting their own members, who were absolutely furious about what they’d just discovered. Poisonous abuse from the party’s woke faction poured out like never before. We got called every kind of bigot under the sun by SNP officeholders.
(The article, of course, made no mention of any sort of bisexual people, Jewish people, trans people or women as a group, let alone actually being prejudiced against anyone. Ironically just about the only kind of prejudice that wasn’t alleged was ageism, possibly because it might have looked a smidge too ironic coming from a bunch of bedwetting children whose core ideological stance is that anyone over 29 is a Nazi.)
But there was one thing you DIDN’T read amid the torrents of hate.
You didn’t read anyone saying a single word of the post was untrue.
Hatey McHateface on Looking up at the stars: “Oh FFS, Alf. There’s hardly a Scottish family in the land that doesn’t have relatives in the Colonies. Plenty will…” Mar 11, 15:56
Geri on Looking up at the stars: “It’s about to get a whole lot sicker… It’s printing press & it’s line of credit is just about to…” Mar 11, 15:54
Alf Baird on Looking up at the stars: ““Isn’t the Indy movement sprinkled with simpering pathetic fools” The main concern of the colonized is or should be focused…” Mar 11, 15:38
Geri on Looking up at the stars: “I believe it is because they are sworn in individually as a member of parliament. Not as a block or…” Mar 11, 14:32
Sven on Looking up at the stars: “I believe we all know that the answer to your query as to, “why, when some MP resigns fro a…” Mar 11, 13:48
Hatey McHateface on Looking up at the stars: “Did you know that already, or did you look it up? 🙂 My money’s on the latter, and I’ve stuck…” Mar 11, 13:25
robertkknight on Looking up at the stars: “Holyrood rammed full of yoons of varying political shades and persuasions, who frankly couldn’t run a bath let alone a…” Mar 11, 12:51
Sven on Looking up at the stars: “The first verifiable recorded instance of the phrase, “The penny dropped” of which I’m aware is that cited in the…” Mar 11, 12:24
Geri on Looking up at the stars: “No. Prior to indyref we were an equal partner in that wonderful family of nations remember? In a voluntary union…” Mar 11, 11:42
Hatey McHateface on Scotland’s Most Frightened: ““no need to withdraw from something that does not exist” My exact response to every one of those crowdfunding grifters,…” Mar 11, 11:34
Hatey McHateface on Looking up at the stars: “Could be worse, Onlooker. Isn’t the Indy movement sprinkled with simpering pathetic fools who have renamed themselves ‘Hamassa’?” Mar 11, 11:30
Hatey McHateface on Looking up at the stars: “Does that mean the UK may not have only two days of gas left? OK. I’ll answer. Yes it does.…” Mar 11, 11:27
Hatey McHateface on Looking up at the stars: “Dinna be daft, x. Penny Falls machines, from which the term originates, didn’t exist before 1964.” Mar 11, 11:20
diabloandco on Looking up at the stars: “The Lib Dums proved themselves duplicitous during Jim Wallace’s time as leader. Can someone tell me why , when some…” Mar 11, 11:19
Hatey McHateface on Looking up at the stars: “Aye, Geri, you do well to warn ordinary Scots about Baphomet. Any signs of your new hereditary king? I read…” Mar 11, 11:14
Onlooker on Looking up at the stars: “I liked when the simpering pathetic fool renamed himself ‘Hamala’ during the last yank election and ran off to the…” Mar 11, 10:45
agentx on Looking up at the stars: “James Che says: 11 March, 2026 at 9:23 am One day the penny will drop ————————————– It’s only taken 319…” Mar 11, 10:27
Geri on Looking up at the stars: “They’ve been referred to as Lib Dumbs for over a decade at least. Remember the tuition fee fiasco where the…” Mar 11, 09:41
James Che on Looking up at the stars: “The so called Scottish Elections are a farce, The devolved governance sent to Scotland under the laws of the England…” Mar 11, 09:30
James Che on Looking up at the stars: “One day the penny will drop, Scotland, Ireland, Wales and England will wake up to the historical records and realise…” Mar 11, 09:23
James Che on Looking up at the stars: “Peter McAvoy, English votes for English laws, The Anglo- Irish Agreement in 1800, [ Scotland not Included ] set up…” Mar 11, 09:13
Sven on Looking up at the stars: “Did anyone ever seriously doubt that the LDs, at any level, in any constituency would sell out to anyone for…” Mar 11, 08:46
Aidan on Looking up at the stars: ““Lib Dumb” – you’re so witty and clever James, will you be at the fringe this year? Northcode has told…” Mar 11, 06:14
Young Lochinvar on Scotland’s Most Frightened: “HMcH @ 4.06 You have to be joking “old boy”! Scotchland Office seat warmers like yerself would probably be exempt…” Mar 11, 05:03
James Barr Gardner on Looking up at the stars: “Bring back Wee Willie Rennie, he was funnier…….” Mar 11, 02:46
Peter McAvoy on Looking up at the stars: “Will they cooperate to oppose the planned scrapping of jury trials in England and Wales,or remind Westminster of how these…” Mar 11, 01:38
Cynicus on Looking up at the stars: “Geri says: 10 March, 2026 at 9:45 pm “I dunno how he has the nerve to even collect a salary…” Mar 11, 01:12
Cynicus on Looking up at the stars: “Scot Finlayson says: 10 March, 2026 at 9:18 pm, `A carpetbagger is a derogatory name term for an outsider….. ..It…” Mar 11, 00:54
James on Looking up at the stars: “There’s a dark underbelly in the Lib Dumb movement. “Movement” being the operative word. Speaking of which – where’s Adrian…” Mar 10, 23:12