We think the lads at The Scotsman might have gotten a bit confused and/or carried away when it came to putting the clocks forward at the weekend. At 6am on Sunday morning they tweeted this:
But the link was a 404. We checked the print edition of Scotland On Sunday but there was nothing there either. Finally, though, the article has shown up in today’s paper and on the website, and to be honest with you, readers, we still think it must be some sort of mistake, because it’s two days early for April 1st.
The turnout at the “independence march and rally” yesterday was so abysmally poor that it seems almost unfair to pick on any of the scores of SNP elected representatives who didn’t bother to show up.
But dear old Cosy Feet Pete Wishart had the most chef’s-kiss excuse of all.
The reason he didn’t fancy getting his wee Billy Whizz quiff blown about a chilly Calton Hill was that he had important business “taking on the far right” – who were of course nowhere to be seen – with “half a million” (50,000) of his British besties, a convenient short Tube ride away from his London residence, at a pretty openly anti-Semitic protest called, with a double layer of delicious comedic value… UK Together.
If events in Edinburgh today are anything to go by – when a march and rally announced with great fanfare seven months ago, backed by both the “independence” parties in the Scottish Parliament and featuring the First Minister as main speaker, attracted perhaps 1,500 people at the most to Calton Hill on a bright and sunny day – the independence movement faces an imminent final apocalypse.
So here’s how to prepare yourself for when the SNP win a landslide with 35%, Keir Starmer says “So what?” and then a deathly silence descends for another five years.
Even Kelly Given and Iona Fyfe didn’t show up for this one. That’s how bad it is.
The last faint hope of any remotely positive or at least interesting outcome of May’s election just left the building.
It wasn’t MUCH of a hope, and it’s absolutely no surprise in the wake of the comically shambolic, belief-defyingly inept farce that has been the birth of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s fringe-of-the fringe party, but all the same its extinguishing means the next two months will be even more of a waste of time than they looked like being.
Frankly, readers, we may as well not bother having an election at all.
The number of parties who got MSPs elected at the last election is… five. (Though in fairness there are now six, Reform having a single MSP after Graham Simpson defected from the Tories. The Lib Dems are even outnumbered by independents, of whom there are seven.)
So Cathy Newman of Channel 4 News got herself a scoop last night.
And to be honest, readers, we were a bit confused. “Gender critical views” are not only lawful things to hold and express, they’re one of a small subset of opinions that are explicitly protected as such in law. And why would a man very occasionally airing some lawful and protected views on social media be a news story? You might as well run “BREAKING: Premiership footballer discovered to enjoy cheese-and-ham toasties”.
Which is handy, because today is also the day of the Gorton and Denton by-election in Manchester (fun fact: a seat we’d very likely have lived in ourselves if not for Osama bin Laden, but that’s another story), and that throws up some interesting parallels.
There is a not particularly funny joke that is sometimes told in legal circles about why a law student failed to finish his coursework – because he had no conviction. With rare exceptions lawyers aren’t renowned for their sense of humour but I can’t help thinking someone, at the highest levels of our justice system, is having a right laugh at my expense and those who have loyally supported me over the past six years.
I’m talking about the Lord Advocate, Dorothy Bain KC – a sitting member of the Scottish Government’s cabinet who was nominated by Nicola Sturgeon to that post in 2021, five months after I was acquitted.
For those unfamiliar with my case, I offer this brief summary. In March 2020 I made a short video on my mobile phone that was two minutes and thirty eight seconds in length. I hadn’t planned to make the video when I went out for a walk in a field near my home. But I was annoyed and wanted to articulate that annoyance, although at the time I recorded it I wasn’t intending for it to go much further.
Later that night, just before turning in, I uploaded it to my YouTube channel on a closed, unlisted link and then posted that link to my Twitter account that, at the time, had a modest 1000 or so followers. I then forgot about it.
Little did I know that short mobile phone video would result in me facing initially a criminal trial, then a five year legal battle in the highest civil court in Scotland and now, most likely, an appeal to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.
So on the one hand there’s obviously very little point paying attention to the SNP’s regional list candidates for May’s Holyrood election, because as this website has comprehensively demonstrated over recent months, the chances of the SNP having any list MSPs elected are remote.
However, nothing is impossible, so let’s take a look at the B team, which also serves as a guide to the party’s upcoming talent taking its first steps towards the gravy bus.
James on Clocks And Calendars: “YL; Here’s to Good King Robert. Cheers! They don’t like it up ’em.” Mar 30, 18:50
Dan on Sicknote Slippers: “I had an ironic chuckle at Stu having a go at Slipper’s albeit limited hair! At least as the cost…” Mar 30, 18:39
James on Protest But Don’t Survive: “Aye, draw a great big ‘Captain Caveman’ on your ballot paper, folks.” Mar 30, 18:37
twathater on Clocks And Calendars: “The Scotsman in conjunction with every other shite rag is trolling the electorate with this insulting PISH The Headline should…” Mar 30, 18:26
Young Lochinvar on Clocks And Calendars: “Happy anniversary tomorrow of the 1307 battle of Glentrool. Bruce’s looking at spiders days were put behind him at Glentrool…” Mar 30, 18:19
Frank Gillougley on Clocks And Calendars: “Aye, ‘Vote fur Jack Duggan Sarwar’, it’s definitely got a ring tae it. Pure wild wae it so he is.” Mar 30, 17:23
Young Lochinvar on Clocks And Calendars: “Yee haw pardner.. Uncle Sam’s getting all worked up about a super bigly expensive low gear fly by mission “to…” Mar 30, 17:21
Alf Baird on Clocks And Calendars: “Past time The Hootsman changed its teetle tae ‘The Hoose Jock’; or just go the hale hog as ‘The Colonialist’.…” Mar 30, 15:50
Aidan on Clocks And Calendars: “Labour are really going to form a coalition with Reform are they? Oh aye i bet they’ll be shouting about…” Mar 30, 15:14
Captain Caveman on Sicknote Slippers: “Although approaching things from a different perspective to my own, what a marvelous post, though doubtless largely wasted here. Bravo.…” Mar 30, 14:12
Mark Beggan on Clocks And Calendars: “If you thought that was crazy did anyone see Scottish Labours political broadcast online. A day in the life of…” Mar 30, 14:11
David on Clocks And Calendars: “I assume this was written and supplied to The Scotsman by a deluded Labour Hack. Why don’t The Scotsman republish…” Mar 30, 14:10
Campbell Clansman on Clocks And Calendars: “Labour, and The Scotsman, must think voters are dumb enough to take this “analysis” seriously. Which says a lot about…” Mar 30, 13:28
Lorncal on Sicknote Slippers: “The real far right is a tiny minority of heid-the-bas. Always was. Even in the halcyon days of Mosley. What…” Mar 30, 13:25
Confused on Sicknote Slippers: “better together, pooling and sharing so, exactly what benefit do we draw from this “arrangement”, being siamese-twinned to these kleptomaniac…” Mar 30, 12:59
Northcode on Protest But Don’t Survive: “A fine adaptation from Allende’s speech, James, and a quote most apt in the context of Scotland’s subjugation by a…” Mar 30, 12:11
Northcode on Sicknote Slippers: “*Do yous want tae march? Apparently 99% of actual, real and genuine liberty seeking, independence supporting Scots didn’t want to……” Mar 30, 11:47
Stevie on Sicknote Slippers: “I thought last year that REFORM would bevcome the official opposition and I still think that. Why would anyone who…” Mar 30, 11:47
Captain Caveman on Protest But Don’t Survive: “… So who, pray, are you giving your hard fought and hard won vote for, Northie? Or – don’t tell…” Mar 30, 11:20
100%Yes on Sicknote Slippers: “If you weren’t convinced the SNP didn’t won’t Independence you will now, “FRIST Minister John Swinney will push the UK…” Mar 30, 10:53
100%Yes on Sicknote Slippers: “In a Independent Scotland we shouldn’t pay pension pots of these individuals who have made a carer out of the…” Mar 30, 10:23
Northcode on Protest But Don’t Survive: “Saturday’s “We Believe in Scotland… but only as a region of England” march was bad for the SNP, bad for…” Mar 30, 10:08
Willie on Sicknote Slippers: “A Lordship in waiting he hopes is Me Peter Wishart. And where else would one be than in London over…” Mar 30, 10:04
Andy on Sicknote Slippers: “I am an anti semite. I did not realise this till 2 years ago when Netanyahu announced that anyone who…” Mar 30, 09:59
Northcode on Protest But Don’t Survive: “Even the acting talent that is the world famous Brian Cox (albeit he was working with a poor script) could…” Mar 30, 09:24
Jamie on Sicknote Slippers: “Read the roll of honour, Scotland’s bravest men…” Mar 30, 07:47
Mark Beggan on Sicknote Slippers: “Anyone waving the Iranian regime flag is advocating the destruction of Israel. The emblem on this flag states that the…” Mar 30, 02:41
