We think the lads at The Scotsman might have gotten a bit confused and/or carried away when it came to putting the clocks forward at the weekend. At 6am on Sunday morning they tweeted this:
But the link was a 404. We checked the print edition of Scotland On Sunday but there was nothing there either. Finally, though, the article has shown up in today’s paper and on the website, and to be honest with you, readers, we still think it must be some sort of mistake, because it’s two days early for April 1st.
The turnout at the “independence march and rally” yesterday was so abysmally poor that it seems almost unfair to pick on any of the scores of SNP elected representatives who didn’t bother to show up.
But dear old Cosy Feet Pete Wishart had the most chef’s-kiss excuse of all.
The reason he didn’t fancy getting his wee Billy Whizz quiff blown about a chilly Calton Hill was that he had important business “taking on the far right” – who were of course nowhere to be seen – with “half a million” (50,000) of his British besties, a convenient short Tube ride away from his London residence, at a pretty openly anti-Semitic protest called, with a double layer of delicious comedic value… UK Together.
If events in Edinburgh today are anything to go by – when a march and rally announced with great fanfare seven months ago, backed by both the “independence” parties in the Scottish Parliament and featuring the First Minister as main speaker, attracted perhaps 1,500 people at the most to Calton Hill on a bright and sunny day – the independence movement faces an imminent final apocalypse.
So here’s how to prepare yourself for when the SNP win a landslide with 35%, Keir Starmer says “So what?” and then a deathly silence descends for another five years.
Even Kelly Given and Iona Fyfe didn’t show up for this one. That’s how bad it is.
The last faint hope of any remotely positive or at least interesting outcome of May’s election just left the building.
It wasn’t MUCH of a hope, and it’s absolutely no surprise in the wake of the comically shambolic, belief-defyingly inept farce that has been the birth of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s fringe-of-the fringe party, but all the same its extinguishing means the next two months will be even more of a waste of time than they looked like being.
Frankly, readers, we may as well not bother having an election at all.
The number of parties who got MSPs elected at the last election is… five. (Though in fairness there are now six, Reform having a single MSP after Graham Simpson defected from the Tories. The Lib Dems are even outnumbered by independents, of whom there are seven.)
So Cathy Newman of Channel 4 News got herself a scoop last night.
And to be honest, readers, we were a bit confused. “Gender critical views” are not only lawful things to hold and express, they’re one of a small subset of opinions that are explicitly protected as such in law. And why would a man very occasionally airing some lawful and protected views on social media be a news story? You might as well run “BREAKING: Premiership footballer discovered to enjoy cheese-and-ham toasties”.
Which is handy, because today is also the day of the Gorton and Denton by-election in Manchester (fun fact: a seat we’d very likely have lived in ourselves if not for Osama bin Laden, but that’s another story), and that throws up some interesting parallels.
There is a not particularly funny joke that is sometimes told in legal circles about why a law student failed to finish his coursework – because he had no conviction. With rare exceptions lawyers aren’t renowned for their sense of humour but I can’t help thinking someone, at the highest levels of our justice system, is having a right laugh at my expense and those who have loyally supported me over the past six years.
I’m talking about the Lord Advocate, Dorothy Bain KC – a sitting member of the Scottish Government’s cabinet who was nominated by Nicola Sturgeon to that post in 2021, five months after I was acquitted.
For those unfamiliar with my case, I offer this brief summary. In March 2020 I made a short video on my mobile phone that was two minutes and thirty eight seconds in length. I hadn’t planned to make the video when I went out for a walk in a field near my home. But I was annoyed and wanted to articulate that annoyance, although at the time I recorded it I wasn’t intending for it to go much further.
Later that night, just before turning in, I uploaded it to my YouTube channel on a closed, unlisted link and then posted that link to my Twitter account that, at the time, had a modest 1000 or so followers. I then forgot about it.
Little did I know that short mobile phone video would result in me facing initially a criminal trial, then a five year legal battle in the highest civil court in Scotland and now, most likely, an appeal to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.
So on the one hand there’s obviously very little point paying attention to the SNP’s regional list candidates for May’s Holyrood election, because as this website has comprehensively demonstrated over recent months, the chances of the SNP having any list MSPs elected are remote.
However, nothing is impossible, so let’s take a look at the B team, which also serves as a guide to the party’s upcoming talent taking its first steps towards the gravy bus.
Northcode on Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off: ““People must remember that Holyrood is a Colonial Administration… Scotland must gather 57 pro independence candidates, either party or standing…” Apr 1, 19:43
Nae Need! on Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off: “Geri, I understand all that, but it’s no gonna happen 😉 Not in our life times.” Apr 1, 19:35
Geri on Clocks And Calendars: “Cave dweller, I see yer drooling in anticipation.. It’s delicious to watch.” Apr 1, 19:25
Geri on Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off: “Nae need It is a simple fix but no one is willing to do it so far. Alex had a…” Apr 1, 19:11
Northcode on Clocks And Calendars: ““…the choice to vote Liberate is by definition illusory…” But the choice isn’t illusory; Scots are free to choose whichever…” Apr 1, 19:06
Nae Need! on Clocks And Calendars: “Geri, wtaf? You’ll be delighted to know, that having given up entirely on the realistic prospect of Scotland becoming a…” Apr 1, 19:00
Nae Need! on Clocks And Calendars: “Alf, I agonised over the EU ref. Cause of the fishing industry. Coming from a small fishing town in Scotland,…” Apr 1, 18:54
Nae Need! on Clocks And Calendars: “Fknell, that’s hilarious :-)) I’d go with the FES.” Apr 1, 18:48
Captain Caveman on Clocks And Calendars: “…. So no details on TEH ASSASINS of “independence supporters” then. Imagine my surprise pal.” Apr 1, 18:39
Alf Baird on Clocks And Calendars: ““vision of Scotland as a maritime nation” This should be uppermost in our minds, as maritime trade is fundamental to…” Apr 1, 18:38
Geri on Clocks And Calendars: “You worry about yer own mental wellbeing. What on earth would possess a Yoon to continually visit a Scottish independence…” Apr 1, 18:30
Alf Baird on Clocks And Calendars: “The UN approach is just as much for the benefit of Scots like you, Aidan, to help you and other…” Apr 1, 18:29
Aidan on Clocks And Calendars: “That’s good news Alf – so what are the UN currently doing with this information? When can we expect a…” Apr 1, 18:11
Nae Need! on Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off: “Sarah, thank you for replying to me. But you may not feel thankful for my response 😉 I’m gonna have…” Apr 1, 18:05
viscount ennui on Clocks And Calendars: “Much respect Alf Baird in terms of his aspirational vision of Scotland as a maritime nation. Not sure that the…” Apr 1, 18:01
Aidan on Clocks And Calendars: “I’m just feeding back to you the inevitable implication of your own statements, if you can’t stand by them then…” Apr 1, 18:01
Alf Baird on Clocks And Calendars: ““Scotland is an oppressed country with its people subjugated” Yes indeed, but thankfully this information has now been transmitted to…” Apr 1, 17:40
Jamie on Sicknote Slippers: “Aidan – To be clear, the SNP are not only irrelevant to independence, they are corrupted beyond repair due to…” Apr 1, 17:37
Northcode on Clocks And Calendars: ““…Liberate are just another English construct totally captured and serving the interests of the coloniser…” I cant’ decide whether you…” Apr 1, 17:26
Alf Baird on Clocks And Calendars: ““the SNP is undeniably dead” Yes, more or less, as the dominant national party elite co-opted by colonialism suffer from…” Apr 1, 17:24
Alf Baird on Clocks And Calendars: ““the new thinking has yet to be imagined” Not quite, some of us Scots and other oppressed peoples are already…” Apr 1, 17:19
viscount ennui on Clocks And Calendars: “I attempted to join the Flat Earth Society and the SNP today. Much easier getting into the SNP although both…” Apr 1, 17:18
TURABDIN on Clocks And Calendars: “It took the events of Easter 1916 to kickstart Irish politics which had fallen into the same doldrums as in…” Apr 1, 16:40
Aidan on Clocks And Calendars: “So just to be clear – Liberate are just another English construct totally captured and serving the interests of the…” Apr 1, 16:28
TURABDIN on Clocks And Calendars: “an extract from THE ATLANTIC magazine. «Americans were not unerring stewards of world affairs. They could be selfish, self-righteous, paranoid,…” Apr 1, 16:22
Northcode on Clocks And Calendars: “It appears you cannot tell the difference between real choice and the illusion of choice. Your ‘proper English’ processing algorithms…” Apr 1, 16:07
Captain Caveman on Clocks And Calendars: ““You are a walking knob & yer ID will show one big knob face. That’s plenty! The clerk will already…” Apr 1, 15:59
Captain Caveman on Clocks And Calendars: “😀 Being called a “gammon” by Fatso… irony-o-meter peak reading?” Apr 1, 15:53
Aidan on Clocks And Calendars: “@Geri – what a normal thing for an adult to post. You are clearly a well balanced and stable human…” Apr 1, 15:38
James on Clocks And Calendars: “Wima & Adrian. Twa great big gammons. ?” Apr 1, 15:20
