We think the lads at The Scotsman might have gotten a bit confused and/or carried away when it came to putting the clocks forward at the weekend. At 6am on Sunday morning they tweeted this:
But the link was a 404. We checked the print edition of Scotland On Sunday but there was nothing there either. Finally, though, the article has shown up in today’s paper and on the website, and to be honest with you, readers, we still think it must be some sort of mistake, because it’s two days early for April 1st.
The turnout at the “independence march and rally” yesterday was so abysmally poor that it seems almost unfair to pick on any of the scores of SNP elected representatives who didn’t bother to show up.
But dear old Cosy Feet Pete Wishart had the most chef’s-kiss excuse of all.
The reason he didn’t fancy getting his wee Billy Whizz quiff blown about a chilly Calton Hill was that he had important business “taking on the far right” – who were of course nowhere to be seen – with “half a million” (50,000) of his British besties, a convenient short Tube ride away from his London residence, at a pretty openly anti-Semitic protest called, with a double layer of delicious comedic value… UK Together.
If events in Edinburgh today are anything to go by – when a march and rally announced with great fanfare seven months ago, backed by both the “independence” parties in the Scottish Parliament and featuring the First Minister as main speaker, attracted perhaps 1,500 people at the most to Calton Hill on a bright and sunny day – the independence movement faces an imminent final apocalypse.
So here’s how to prepare yourself for when the SNP win a landslide with 35%, Keir Starmer says “So what?” and then a deathly silence descends for another five years.
Even Kelly Given and Iona Fyfe didn’t show up for this one. That’s how bad it is.
The last faint hope of any remotely positive or at least interesting outcome of May’s election just left the building.
It wasn’t MUCH of a hope, and it’s absolutely no surprise in the wake of the comically shambolic, belief-defyingly inept farce that has been the birth of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s fringe-of-the fringe party, but all the same its extinguishing means the next two months will be even more of a waste of time than they looked like being.
Frankly, readers, we may as well not bother having an election at all.
The number of parties who got MSPs elected at the last election is… five. (Though in fairness there are now six, Reform having a single MSP after Graham Simpson defected from the Tories. The Lib Dems are even outnumbered by independents, of whom there are seven.)
So Cathy Newman of Channel 4 News got herself a scoop last night.
And to be honest, readers, we were a bit confused. “Gender critical views” are not only lawful things to hold and express, they’re one of a small subset of opinions that are explicitly protected as such in law. And why would a man very occasionally airing some lawful and protected views on social media be a news story? You might as well run “BREAKING: Premiership footballer discovered to enjoy cheese-and-ham toasties”.
Which is handy, because today is also the day of the Gorton and Denton by-election in Manchester (fun fact: a seat we’d very likely have lived in ourselves if not for Osama bin Laden, but that’s another story), and that throws up some interesting parallels.
There is a not particularly funny joke that is sometimes told in legal circles about why a law student failed to finish his coursework – because he had no conviction. With rare exceptions lawyers aren’t renowned for their sense of humour but I can’t help thinking someone, at the highest levels of our justice system, is having a right laugh at my expense and those who have loyally supported me over the past six years.
I’m talking about the Lord Advocate, Dorothy Bain KC – a sitting member of the Scottish Government’s cabinet who was nominated by Nicola Sturgeon to that post in 2021, five months after I was acquitted.
For those unfamiliar with my case, I offer this brief summary. In March 2020 I made a short video on my mobile phone that was two minutes and thirty eight seconds in length. I hadn’t planned to make the video when I went out for a walk in a field near my home. But I was annoyed and wanted to articulate that annoyance, although at the time I recorded it I wasn’t intending for it to go much further.
Later that night, just before turning in, I uploaded it to my YouTube channel on a closed, unlisted link and then posted that link to my Twitter account that, at the time, had a modest 1000 or so followers. I then forgot about it.
Little did I know that short mobile phone video would result in me facing initially a criminal trial, then a five year legal battle in the highest civil court in Scotland and now, most likely, an appeal to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.
So on the one hand there’s obviously very little point paying attention to the SNP’s regional list candidates for May’s Holyrood election, because as this website has comprehensively demonstrated over recent months, the chances of the SNP having any list MSPs elected are remote.
However, nothing is impossible, so let’s take a look at the B team, which also serves as a guide to the party’s upcoming talent taking its first steps towards the gravy bus.
James on Sicknote Slippers: “Ah, Adrian promoting the Scotch Yoon vote yet again. Jamie (& Geri) are spot on with their posts; only a…” Mar 31, 18:18
TURABDIN on Clocks And Calendars: “THE UNITED KINGDOM, united in homogenized banality. What’s not to like?” Mar 31, 15:54
Peter McAvoy on Clocks And Calendars: “Today on the BBC Scotland news website mentioned that the Alexander Dennis factory in Falkirk is to close and the…” Mar 31, 15:14
Aidan on Protest But Don’t Survive: “Do they really? If these regimes are so popular, then why do they need to imprison and execute people for…” Mar 31, 15:00
Captain Caveman on Protest But Don’t Survive: ““I live in Scotland” 😀 Yeah, course you do mate (lol). Along the same lines as “I’ve never been banned”,…” Mar 31, 14:52
Geri on Protest But Don’t Survive: ““working this site” Are you a rent boy? LOL! blimey. I can see the relevance to yer handle now, insider.…” Mar 31, 14:47
Geri on Protest But Don’t Survive: “I live in Scotland. Unlike you three deadbeat fuds. No one is interested in yer Reform pish around these parts.…” Mar 31, 14:40
Insider on Protest But Don’t Survive: ““Geri” You are, by far, the most obvious foreign-based troll “working this site”. Piss off !” Mar 31, 14:23
Aidan on Protest But Don’t Survive: “I can say with absolute confidence that the quality of life in the U.K. and in Scotland is much much…” Mar 31, 14:21
Captain Caveman on Protest But Don’t Survive: “… Whereas you don’t even live in the fucking UK, “Geri”, let alone Scotland, so maybe pipe down mate.” Mar 31, 14:01
Geri on Protest But Don’t Survive: ““Heh. Like, as if that imbecile is on the Electoral Roll… probably doesn’t even have a fixed address.” Says the…” Mar 31, 13:54
Captain Caveman on Protest But Don’t Survive: “Ah well, at least you have a sense of humour! 😀” Mar 31, 13:44
Geri on Sicknote Slippers: “The defeat of the SNP will come when there is an indy party to replace them. Until then there won’t…” Mar 31, 13:35
Captain Caveman on Protest But Don’t Survive: “Ah… well then, maybe he can nominate the cornershop where he purchases his daily supply of eight cans of “Ace”…” Mar 31, 12:59
Rob on Clocks And Calendars: “Like it or not folk are voting for these morons.” Mar 31, 12:48
Aidan on Protest But Don’t Survive: “Unfortunately CC that isn’t going to stop him, from the electoral commission website: How can homeless people register? A homeless…” Mar 31, 12:34
Aidan on Sicknote Slippers: “Liberate have absolutely no chance whilst the SNP has a death grip on the independence movement. Nobody knows who they…” Mar 31, 12:32
TURABDIN on Clocks And Calendars: “How to «grok» Scottish politics and is it worth the effort….. the Martian pondered.” Mar 31, 12:00
Geri on Sicknote Slippers: “Scotlands vote means absolutely ZERO to Westminster unless it is for an Independence party. Any Scot even contemplating a vote…” Mar 31, 11:51
Mark Beggan on Clocks And Calendars: “To argue with a fool only creates two fools. So yes I totally agree Geri.” Mar 31, 11:48
Jamie on Sicknote Slippers: “Southern bystander- Scotland can’t control what England votes so for sure, people can consider what England votes but ultimately what…” Mar 31, 11:39
Southernbystander on Sicknote Slippers: “My impression is that though Reform is unionist through and through, in other respects some posters support Reform policies on…” Mar 31, 11:15
Geri on Clocks And Calendars: “Should’ve said: “If this till is short – there’ll be questions for the thieving bastards that took it” Cause the…” Mar 31, 10:28
Jamie on Sicknote Slippers: “I really do not see how a vote for Reform which is basically a vote for unionism and austerity helps…” Mar 31, 09:57
JPFife on Clocks And Calendars: “What do you think the chances of Sarwar getting a seat rather than getting in on the list, due to…” Mar 31, 09:04
Young Lochinvar on Clocks And Calendars: “Beggars You missed out Enoch Powell’s “rivers of blood” hysteria in your post. A but remiss of you there “old…” Mar 31, 02:59
Young Lochinvar on Clocks And Calendars: “Now now Beggars, don’t get carmugeonly.. Pains me to say it, but Baby Uncle Sam has done what Amnesiac Baby…” Mar 31, 02:50
Mark Beggan on Clocks And Calendars: “Any gamblers amongst us? General election before 2029. 3/1 General election 2027. 7/1 General election 2026. 11/1 Marshall Law declared.…” Mar 31, 02:12
Mark Beggan on Clocks And Calendars: “I don’t think you understand what’s going on geopolitically. There’s a new sheriff in town. The war has been won.…” Mar 31, 02:07
