Alert readers will have noticed something of a minor furore in recent days around a boneheaded Scottish Greens candidate (as if there were any other kind) calling for the complete abolition of prisons.
So far Kate Nevens – who on the latest polling has a very reasonable chance of being elected on the list – has resisted calls to step down, which is probably for the best as, incredibly, her replacement would be even worse.
With the implosion of Your Party concentrating the nutter vote firmly in Green hands, the next term of the Scottish Parliament is set to feature the worst array of MSPs in Holyrood’s history, with almost everyone in the SNP with any sort of ability or experience resigning to be replaced by hyper-obedient young party drones, while the opposition are mostly putting forward the same old faces who’ve been such utter failures for the last 20 years.
It’s a grim prospect, but we do have a solution to propose.
Because the truth is that we should all be quietly sending BBC Scotland bouquets in appreciation for doing the independence movement a favour for once.
We think the lads at The Scotsman might have gotten a bit confused and/or carried away when it came to putting the clocks forward at the weekend. At 6am on Sunday morning they tweeted this:
But the link was a 404. We checked the print edition of Scotland On Sunday but there was nothing there either. Finally, though, the article has shown up in today’s paper and on the website, and to be honest with you, readers, we still think it must be some sort of mistake, because it’s two days early for April 1st.
The turnout at the “independence march and rally” yesterday was so abysmally poor that it seems almost unfair to pick on any of the scores of SNP elected representatives who didn’t bother to show up.
But dear old Cosy Feet Pete Wishart had the most chef’s-kiss excuse of all.
The reason he didn’t fancy getting his wee Billy Whizz quiff blown about a chilly Calton Hill was that he had important business “taking on the far right” – who were of course nowhere to be seen – with “half a million” (50,000) of his British besties, a convenient short Tube ride away from his London residence, at a pretty openly anti-Semitic protest called, with a double layer of delicious comedic value… UK Together.
If events in Edinburgh today are anything to go by – when a march and rally announced with great fanfare seven months ago, backed by both the “independence” parties in the Scottish Parliament and featuring the First Minister as main speaker, attracted perhaps 1,500 people at the most to Calton Hill on a bright and sunny day – the independence movement faces an imminent final apocalypse.
So here’s how to prepare yourself for when the SNP win a landslide with 35%, Keir Starmer says “So what?” and then a deathly silence descends for another five years.
Even Kelly Given and Iona Fyfe didn’t show up for this one. That’s how bad it is.
The last faint hope of any remotely positive or at least interesting outcome of May’s election just left the building.
It wasn’t MUCH of a hope, and it’s absolutely no surprise in the wake of the comically shambolic, belief-defyingly inept farce that has been the birth of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s fringe-of-the fringe party, but all the same its extinguishing means the next two months will be even more of a waste of time than they looked like being.
Frankly, readers, we may as well not bother having an election at all.
The number of parties who got MSPs elected at the last election is… five. (Though in fairness there are now six, Reform having a single MSP after Graham Simpson defected from the Tories. The Lib Dems are even outnumbered by independents, of whom there are seven.)
So Cathy Newman of Channel 4 News got herself a scoop last night.
And to be honest, readers, we were a bit confused. “Gender critical views” are not only lawful things to hold and express, they’re one of a small subset of opinions that are explicitly protected as such in law. And why would a man very occasionally airing some lawful and protected views on social media be a news story? You might as well run “BREAKING: Premiership footballer discovered to enjoy cheese-and-ham toasties”.
Which is handy, because today is also the day of the Gorton and Denton by-election in Manchester (fun fact: a seat we’d very likely have lived in ourselves if not for Osama bin Laden, but that’s another story), and that throws up some interesting parallels.
There is a not particularly funny joke that is sometimes told in legal circles about why a law student failed to finish his coursework – because he had no conviction. With rare exceptions lawyers aren’t renowned for their sense of humour but I can’t help thinking someone, at the highest levels of our justice system, is having a right laugh at my expense and those who have loyally supported me over the past six years.
I’m talking about the Lord Advocate, Dorothy Bain KC – a sitting member of the Scottish Government’s cabinet who was nominated by Nicola Sturgeon to that post in 2021, five months after I was acquitted.
For those unfamiliar with my case, I offer this brief summary. In March 2020 I made a short video on my mobile phone that was two minutes and thirty eight seconds in length. I hadn’t planned to make the video when I went out for a walk in a field near my home. But I was annoyed and wanted to articulate that annoyance, although at the time I recorded it I wasn’t intending for it to go much further.
Later that night, just before turning in, I uploaded it to my YouTube channel on a closed, unlisted link and then posted that link to my Twitter account that, at the time, had a modest 1000 or so followers. I then forgot about it.
Little did I know that short mobile phone video would result in me facing initially a criminal trial, then a five year legal battle in the highest civil court in Scotland and now, most likely, an appeal to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.
diabloandco on The quality of mercy: “Thank you so much auld yin! Now some others may listen to it!” Apr 9, 19:01
Joan Hutcheson on Not So Octopus: “Well said, Lorna. Sane and intelligent as always!” Apr 9, 19:01
Lorncal on Not So Octopus: “Hi Alf. The problem with the Alliance, for me, is that some of the candidates are as batshit on some…” Apr 9, 18:52
Geri on Not So Octopus: “Exactly, Twathater. No voters voted for this shite & now they complain about it. It was evident this would always…” Apr 9, 18:46
twathater on Not So Octopus: “ALL these arsewipes that refuse to accept that we are a colonised nation under the control of a vile regressive…” Apr 9, 18:19
Dan on Not So Octopus: “Socrates – I fear you have just proved the old rule of:”There are none so blind as those who will…” Apr 9, 18:09
Alf Baird on Not So Octopus: “Yes, excellent candidates standing throughout Scotland for Alliance to Liberate Scotland Party offering the widest range of experience and abilities…” Apr 9, 18:00
Socrates MacSporran on Not So Octopus: “GM – I fear you have just proved the old rule of: “It takes one to spot one.”” Apr 9, 17:44
Dan on Not So Octopus: “Ach, so jist more time and attention focusing on the negatives of Scottish politics then. Hmm, it’s hard to believe…” Apr 9, 17:40
J Robertson on Not So Octopus: “Think you might be on to something Stu ! I have encountered the same information desert when it comes to…” Apr 9, 17:34
MaryB on Not So Octopus: “It would be a good idea for you to give some publicity to Liberate Scotland and the ISP. They’ve got…” Apr 9, 17:26
Sven on Not So Octopus: “J Roberson @ 16.49. The Closed List variant of the D’Hondt voting system ensures not only a weaker, but effectively…” Apr 9, 17:22
George Ferguson on Not So Octopus: “No meaningful social media content or meaningful policy. See Sir Keir Starmer before the last General Election, and yet he…” Apr 9, 17:19
J Robertson on Not So Octopus: “Think you might be on to something Stu ! I have encountered the same information desert when it comes to…” Apr 9, 16:59
Lorncal on Not So Octopus: “Socrates is like those whose children or grandchildren have decided to follow the flock and ‘transition’. Because their kids have…” Apr 9, 16:48
agentx on Not So Octopus: “What I’m interested in: now that Sturgeon is no longer an MSP does she still have protection from Dorothy Bain…” Apr 9, 16:32
Phil on Not So Octopus: “My solution is to abolish Holyrood. It is the only way forward for Scotland, whether you are a Unionist or…” Apr 9, 15:18
GM on Not So Octopus: “If he is in the Greens he is a cunt.” Apr 9, 15:05
Northcode on Not So Octopus: “Squid Game and the Scottish Parliamentary elections have at least one thing in common – they are both works of…” Apr 9, 14:57
agentx on The quality of mercy: “Time to cheer – from midnight last night Sturgeon is no longer an MSP.” Apr 9, 14:56
Heather McLean on Not So Octopus: “Heaven help us all! Scotland is well and truly screwed! Just when you think things couldn’t get any worse they…” Apr 9, 14:42
100%Yes on Not So Octopus: “Who ever get elected in may to Holyrood, doesn’t need any IQ test the job doesn’t require you to even…” Apr 9, 14:41
Alf Baird on Not So Octopus: “The obvious solution is to vote for the Alliance to Liberate Scotland Party on the Regional list: https://www.barrheadboy.com/alliance-to-liberate-scotland-the-power-is-in-your-hands/” Apr 9, 14:31
Sven on Not So Octopus: “Duncanio @ 14.04. With a few “Has Beens” and “Never Was” clingons still trousering the copious public funds on offer.” Apr 9, 14:25
Socrates MacSporran on Not So Octopus: “CAMPBELL I have been a keen reader of your excellent site and a firm supporter of you since before the…” Apr 9, 14:22
Geri on The quality of mercy: “If that happened Independence would be a certainty. Scotland shouldn’t be forced into a coalition of fucking dregs & rejects.” Apr 9, 14:21
Liza Laine on Not So Octopus: ““the same old faces” – same old faeces surely? As for the low profile of Claire Williams on social media,…” Apr 9, 14:17
Geri on The quality of mercy: “& what Western propaganda story teller told you they were dictators? Both are democracies. With elections. I think they may…” Apr 9, 14:14
duncanio on Not So Octopus: “A Parliament of the Never-Will-Bes awaits us on 8th May.” Apr 9, 14:04
Geri on The quality of mercy: “It’s all pantomime. He’s just a puppet to distract the plebs until the organ grinders rearm & think of their…” Apr 9, 14:00