As all alert readers will know, this site likes to keep a watchful eye on the shady and disturbing activities of paedophilia-plagued charity LGBT Youth Scotland. So we were naturally intrigued to hear that they’d hired a new convenor last month.
And if you’re sitting there thinking, “Blimey, AI Christopher Walken looks very very ill”, well, stay tuned, because this story gets more and more interesting.
Alert readers will have noticed something of a minor furore in recent days around a boneheaded Scottish Greens candidate (as if there were any other kind) calling for the complete abolition of prisons.
So far Kate Nevens – who on the latest polling has a very reasonable chance of being elected on the list – has resisted calls to step down, which is probably for the best as, incredibly, her replacement would be even worse.
With the implosion of Your Party concentrating the nutter vote firmly in Green hands, the next term of the Scottish Parliament is set to feature the worst array of MSPs in Holyrood’s history, with almost everyone in the SNP with any sort of ability or experience resigning to be replaced by hyper-obedient young party drones, while the opposition are mostly putting forward the same old faces who’ve been such utter failures for the last 20 years.
It’s a grim prospect, but we do have a solution to propose.
Because the truth is that we should all be quietly sending BBC Scotland bouquets in appreciation for doing the independence movement a favour for once.
We think the lads at The Scotsman might have gotten a bit confused and/or carried away when it came to putting the clocks forward at the weekend. At 6am on Sunday morning they tweeted this:
But the link was a 404. We checked the print edition of Scotland On Sunday but there was nothing there either. Finally, though, the article has shown up in today’s paper and on the website, and to be honest with you, readers, we still think it must be some sort of mistake, because it’s two days early for April 1st.
The turnout at the “independence march and rally” yesterday was so abysmally poor that it seems almost unfair to pick on any of the scores of SNP elected representatives who didn’t bother to show up.
But dear old Cosy Feet Pete Wishart had the most chef’s-kiss excuse of all.
The reason he didn’t fancy getting his wee Billy Whizz quiff blown about a chilly Calton Hill was that he had important business “taking on the far right” – who were of course nowhere to be seen – with “half a million” (50,000) of his British besties, a convenient short Tube ride away from his London residence, at a pretty openly anti-Semitic protest called, with a double layer of delicious comedic value… UK Together.
If events in Edinburgh today are anything to go by – when a march and rally announced with great fanfare seven months ago, backed by both the “independence” parties in the Scottish Parliament and featuring the First Minister as main speaker, attracted perhaps 1,500 people at the most to Calton Hill on a bright and sunny day – the independence movement faces an imminent final apocalypse.
So here’s how to prepare yourself for when the SNP win a landslide with 35%, Keir Starmer says “So what?” and then a deathly silence descends for another five years.
Even Kelly Given and Iona Fyfe didn’t show up for this one. That’s how bad it is.
The last faint hope of any remotely positive or at least interesting outcome of May’s election just left the building.
It wasn’t MUCH of a hope, and it’s absolutely no surprise in the wake of the comically shambolic, belief-defyingly inept farce that has been the birth of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s fringe-of-the fringe party, but all the same its extinguishing means the next two months will be even more of a waste of time than they looked like being.
Frankly, readers, we may as well not bother having an election at all.
The number of parties who got MSPs elected at the last election is… five. (Though in fairness there are now six, Reform having a single MSP after Graham Simpson defected from the Tories. The Lib Dems are even outnumbered by independents, of whom there are seven.)
So Cathy Newman of Channel 4 News got herself a scoop last night.
And to be honest, readers, we were a bit confused. “Gender critical views” are not only lawful things to hold and express, they’re one of a small subset of opinions that are explicitly protected as such in law. And why would a man very occasionally airing some lawful and protected views on social media be a news story? You might as well run “BREAKING: Premiership footballer discovered to enjoy cheese-and-ham toasties”.
Which is handy, because today is also the day of the Gorton and Denton by-election in Manchester (fun fact: a seat we’d very likely have lived in ourselves if not for Osama bin Laden, but that’s another story), and that throws up some interesting parallels.
George Ferguson on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “Well the Masters is on so this is par for the course for the Scottish Government. Well done Stu another…” Apr 11, 18:32
BroughtyBoy on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “I see the ‘Our People’s page has been taken down Stu… you’re on to something here!” Apr 11, 17:28
Young Lochinvar on Not So Octopus: “AE @ 9.03 Yippee Kate-ae faggat! You done gotten yourself all written up like a Jack rabbit n spring thar…” Apr 11, 15:25
Kevin Cargill on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “You might need to build an interoceter to communicate with Metaluna where I’m sure Mr Westwood lives. He certainly seems…” Apr 11, 13:44
Geri on Not So Octopus: ““Being offered an opportunity but exercising discretion to turn it down does not make you a “failure”.” It does show…” Apr 11, 13:44
Alf Baird on Not So Octopus: ““the vast majority of “ordinary” Scots” If all else fails the colonizer seeks to make the indigenous native a minority…” Apr 11, 13:41
Knuckle Heid on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “I agree Iain – who are these polling companies talking to?!” Apr 11, 13:13
Geri on Not So Octopus: “Arsey, I don’t need to. A well respected KC has already given his expert, legal opinion. Go look it up.…” Apr 11, 12:42
Northcode on Not So Octopus: ““…no constructive engagement of any sort, just the blanket unreasoning assertion that anyone who disagrees with you is… a unionist.”…” Apr 11, 12:23
Lorncal on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “They’ve posted a photo now, have they? It still looks doctored and seems to be an image that has been…” Apr 11, 12:22
Geri on Not So Octopus: “Alf, I know. Whit a dunce! Maybe we should all club together & buy him a dictionary? Oh hang on,…” Apr 11, 12:19
James on Not So Octopus: “We see you, Yoon.” Apr 11, 12:09
Aidan on Not So Octopus: “@Geri – if you believe that your absurd and paranoid ramblings are shared by a majourity of people, or even…” Apr 11, 12:06
Captain Caveman on Not So Octopus: ““Why are the Unionists here so intolerably kiss-ass to the site host?” Well, I daresay it’s all relative. Basic courtesies…” Apr 11, 12:01
Captain Caveman on Not So Octopus: “Good grief… Well, I very much doubt that an articulate, intelligent and interesting poster like Lorncal will take this, ahem,…” Apr 11, 11:57
agentx on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “It sounds like a clear breach of his disability rights in that they have failed to make reasonable adjustments to…” Apr 11, 11:41
Alf Baird on Not So Octopus: “The colonialist tells the natives they’re not colonized. LoL.” Apr 11, 11:20
Geri on Not So Octopus: “You don’t speak for the majority of Scots, thank fck, so why don’t you pack up yer wee violin. Only…” Apr 11, 11:00
willie on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “As we move towards an election voters might do well to reflect on how this Scottish Government have made provision…” Apr 11, 10:39
Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on Not So Octopus: “Salmond bequeathed us a sparkling oasis. Sturgeon left us a foetid swamp. Swinney is key-holder of the toxic taphouse.” Apr 11, 10:27
James Che on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “These English registered politicians encouraging perversion sitting in Scotland would be outed if Scots recognised that they are not in…” Apr 11, 10:14
James Che on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “The pedo nest preying like vultures on innocent humans are like an alien species, In day past politicians would have…” Apr 11, 10:00
Alf Baird on Not So Octopus: ““Why is the name in English and not Scots?” Alliance tae Leeberate Scotland Pairty. Thair, sortit!” Apr 11, 09:20
Andy Ellis on Not So Octopus: “@YL 2.04am Same old same old from you and the usual suspects then YL? No no actual ideas, no constructive…” Apr 11, 09:03
Aidan on Not So Octopus: “Why doesn’t Sarah start a fundraiser to have this abusive nut job “James” sent to North Rona for three months?…” Apr 11, 08:54
Iain More on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “On matters of belief – I dont belie the latest Opinion Poll giving the SNP 67 seats and the Greens…” Apr 11, 06:13