We think the lads at The Scotsman might have gotten a bit confused and/or carried away when it came to putting the clocks forward at the weekend. At 6am on Sunday morning they tweeted this:
But the link was a 404. We checked the print edition of Scotland On Sunday but there was nothing there either. Finally, though, the article has shown up in today’s paper and on the website, and to be honest with you, readers, we still think it must be some sort of mistake, because it’s two days early for April 1st.
The turnout at the “independence march and rally” yesterday was so abysmally poor that it seems almost unfair to pick on any of the scores of SNP elected representatives who didn’t bother to show up.
But dear old Cosy Feet Pete Wishart had the most chef’s-kiss excuse of all.
The reason he didn’t fancy getting his wee Billy Whizz quiff blown about a chilly Calton Hill was that he had important business “taking on the far right” – who were of course nowhere to be seen – with “half a million” (50,000) of his British besties, a convenient short Tube ride away from his London residence, at a pretty openly anti-Semitic protest called, with a double layer of delicious comedic value… UK Together.
If events in Edinburgh today are anything to go by – when a march and rally announced with great fanfare seven months ago, backed by both the “independence” parties in the Scottish Parliament and featuring the First Minister as main speaker, attracted perhaps 1,500 people at the most to Calton Hill on a bright and sunny day – the independence movement faces an imminent final apocalypse.
So here’s how to prepare yourself for when the SNP win a landslide with 35%, Keir Starmer says “So what?” and then a deathly silence descends for another five years.
Even Kelly Given and Iona Fyfe didn’t show up for this one. That’s how bad it is.
The last faint hope of any remotely positive or at least interesting outcome of May’s election just left the building.
It wasn’t MUCH of a hope, and it’s absolutely no surprise in the wake of the comically shambolic, belief-defyingly inept farce that has been the birth of Jeremy Corbyn and Zarah Sultana’s fringe-of-the fringe party, but all the same its extinguishing means the next two months will be even more of a waste of time than they looked like being.
Frankly, readers, we may as well not bother having an election at all.
The number of parties who got MSPs elected at the last election is… five. (Though in fairness there are now six, Reform having a single MSP after Graham Simpson defected from the Tories. The Lib Dems are even outnumbered by independents, of whom there are seven.)
So Cathy Newman of Channel 4 News got herself a scoop last night.
And to be honest, readers, we were a bit confused. “Gender critical views” are not only lawful things to hold and express, they’re one of a small subset of opinions that are explicitly protected as such in law. And why would a man very occasionally airing some lawful and protected views on social media be a news story? You might as well run “BREAKING: Premiership footballer discovered to enjoy cheese-and-ham toasties”.
Which is handy, because today is also the day of the Gorton and Denton by-election in Manchester (fun fact: a seat we’d very likely have lived in ourselves if not for Osama bin Laden, but that’s another story), and that throws up some interesting parallels.
There is a not particularly funny joke that is sometimes told in legal circles about why a law student failed to finish his coursework – because he had no conviction. With rare exceptions lawyers aren’t renowned for their sense of humour but I can’t help thinking someone, at the highest levels of our justice system, is having a right laugh at my expense and those who have loyally supported me over the past six years.
I’m talking about the Lord Advocate, Dorothy Bain KC – a sitting member of the Scottish Government’s cabinet who was nominated by Nicola Sturgeon to that post in 2021, five months after I was acquitted.
For those unfamiliar with my case, I offer this brief summary. In March 2020 I made a short video on my mobile phone that was two minutes and thirty eight seconds in length. I hadn’t planned to make the video when I went out for a walk in a field near my home. But I was annoyed and wanted to articulate that annoyance, although at the time I recorded it I wasn’t intending for it to go much further.
Later that night, just before turning in, I uploaded it to my YouTube channel on a closed, unlisted link and then posted that link to my Twitter account that, at the time, had a modest 1000 or so followers. I then forgot about it.
Little did I know that short mobile phone video would result in me facing initially a criminal trial, then a five year legal battle in the highest civil court in Scotland and now, most likely, an appeal to the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg.
So on the one hand there’s obviously very little point paying attention to the SNP’s regional list candidates for May’s Holyrood election, because as this website has comprehensively demonstrated over recent months, the chances of the SNP having any list MSPs elected are remote.
However, nothing is impossible, so let’s take a look at the B team, which also serves as a guide to the party’s upcoming talent taking its first steps towards the gravy bus.
Rob on Clocks And Calendars: “Unfortunately rants like this are pretty pointless. The majority are still voting for the SNP because they still see other…” Apr 2, 23:08
Rob on Clocks And Calendars: “Britain was very good at raising native armies, of course they were. However you are missing the point I made.…” Apr 2, 23:03
Confused on Clocks And Calendars: “The SNP are a corpse blocking a fire exit; if you want indy then we need shot of them (unless…” Apr 2, 22:56
SilentMajority on Scotland’s Most Frightened: “…have I slipped into a parallel world? Swinney now thinks that having oil & gas is a sensible idea…or is…” Apr 2, 21:24
Geri on Clocks And Calendars: “Exactly, Alf. It still goes on today with the con of being a NATO member. Americans proxies in Europe &…” Apr 2, 21:02
Alf Baird on Clocks And Calendars: “Colonial armies were created by English imperial rule from many annexed territories and peoples, of which the Indian army was…” Apr 2, 19:36
Andy Storrie on Clocks And Calendars: “A lengthy and irrelevant diatribe about a London-supporting party who abandoned their traditional base in 1997! Nae good, son. It…” Apr 2, 17:53
Young Lochinvar on Clocks And Calendars: “Beggars Really? He’s running out of super expensive ordnance, “gas” at American pumps is over $4 and mid terms are…” Apr 2, 16:21
Captain Caveman on Clocks And Calendars: ““Fraid the great colonisation era was British, not English. Many Irish and Scots took major parts in this process but…” Apr 2, 15:45
Northcode on Clocks And Calendars: “Powerful picture driven propaganda and stunning visual rhetoric. Hollywood has a rival… and it’s kicking Turtle Island’s top Turtle’s arse.” Apr 2, 15:26
Captain Caveman on Clocks And Calendars: “Ah, but you’re forgetting something, Aidan. On the one hand, we have the poor man’s own family, as well as…” Apr 2, 15:14
Alf Baird on Clocks And Calendars: ““Type A. The greedy, brutal, thieving, scummy, devious, cruel & demonic kind.” Seems a fair definition of colonialism, and what…” Apr 2, 15:12
Geri on Clocks And Calendars: “Look out for the one with Trump & his allies dressed as teletubbies dancing tae gay music – while P,…” Apr 2, 14:58
Aidan on Clocks And Calendars: “This has been covered at length by people within the independence movement and his family who are adamant that it…” Apr 2, 14:47
Geri on Clocks And Calendars: “Areswipe, Naw I dinnie know. Why don’t you explain tae the group how someone can shoot themselves twice in the…” Apr 2, 13:43
James on Clocks And Calendars: ““….The death of Willie McRae has been investigated thoroughly and there is no evidence that he was murdered by the…” Apr 2, 13:43
Confused on Clocks And Calendars: “the “south park” ayatollahs have put out a banger (as it were …) www.youtube.com/watch?v=xUJGXC4oNOA www.youtube.com/shorts/bdDqVk-MpRY www.youtube.com/watch?v=BAbsKw7f3DU” Apr 2, 13:42
Rob on Clocks And Calendars: “Got to laugh at some of the comments above, particularly the ones about type a and type b peoples and…” Apr 2, 13:41
Confused on Clocks And Calendars: “another nonce scandal at the bbc, whodathunkit, no one saw that coming does not surprise me tell you what though,…” Apr 2, 13:40
Geri on Clocks And Calendars: “The snaw globes are birrlin wi that yin. King o the commode.. USA thinks aww those wee countries are jist…” Apr 2, 13:31
Northcode on Clocks And Calendars: “Turtle Island’s amphibian special forces outfit, the Navy Turtles, are gearing up, Turtle-style, to tackle the anti-Turtle threat that is…” Apr 2, 13:04
Mark Beggan on Clocks And Calendars: “Baby Senator Kennedy says ‘Let me just say for the record my Aunts Facebook page has more credibility than you…” Apr 2, 12:52
Northcode on Clocks And Calendars: ““The death of Willie McRae has been investigated thoroughly…” Yes, indeed… and by the very folk who murdered him to…” Apr 2, 12:26
Northcode on Clocks And Calendars: ““Care to set out a list of countries to go in Type A…” Top of the imperial coloniZing A-listers is….…” Apr 2, 12:19
Aidan on Clocks And Calendars: “Care to set out a list of countries to go in Type A and Type B Geri?” Apr 2, 12:04
Northcode on Clocks And Calendars: “Thon mad, bad and balding man-baby boss-man, King of the Turtles and Chief of Turtle Island… that top Turtillian, Donny…” Apr 2, 12:00
Aidan on Clocks And Calendars: “The death of Willie McRae has been investigated thoroughly and there is no evidence that he was murdered by the…” Apr 2, 11:35
Geri on Clocks And Calendars: “Aye, There really are just two types of ppl in the world. Type A. The greedy, brutal, thieving, scummy, devious,…” Apr 2, 11:25
Mark Beggan on Clocks And Calendars: “Don’t take Trump literally take Trump seriously or you might find yourself in the stone age.” Apr 2, 11:24
