The Labour general election manifesto is officially launched today, as if it mattered. It will reportedly say that the party will block a second independence referendum if it’s in power at Westminster, which of course it won’t be.
And while Labour’s position on anything – particularly anything involving Scotland – is a complete irrelevance, it’s still quite fun to listen to them tying themselves in knots.
So with no further ado, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you Duncan Hothersall.
More than a quarter of its Scottish candidates for the forthcoming UK general election actually already hold elected office – nine of them as councillors, four as MSPs, one as an MEP and of course the sole defending member, David Mundell.
(Several of the councillors have only been in their jobs for a matter of a few days and are already looking to scurry off to London for new ones.)
As for the rest, though – and following the discovery that at least two of its council candidates earlier this month had no idea that they were standing – the party’s clearly been doing some more hasty press-ganging.
To be honest we didn’t pay it a lot of heed, assuming that “Scottish fishing industry leaders” just meant Bertie Armstrong again – a longstanding ultra-staunch Unionist and Leave supporter with a track record as a reliable anti-independence rentaquote – and nothing in the coverage led us to believe otherwise.
But then we saw a picture:
Mr Armstrong is the white-haired and bearded chap standing immediately to the right of Davidson in the photo, with his hand on the top corner of her pledge. But who’s the fellow immediately to the left of her?
She’s currently contesting Edinburgh West, which the party has some credible hopes of winning, having held the seat for almost 20 years prior to 2015. And it seems that her former employer has decided to try to give her a helping hand.
And, y’know, they’re really not allowed to do that.
Something really quite strange happened yesterday. The Prime Minister of the United Kingdom was caught red-handed in the act of telling a bare-faced, unarguable lie in the middle of a general election campaign, and nobody cared.
Reacting to the Crown Prosecution Service decision not to prosecute dozens of Tory MPs who’d broken the law in getting elected in 2015, the PM offered up a quote, which was reported in most of the newspapers:
Nice wee bit of snark on “all the major parties, and the Scottish nationalists” there. But there’s a slight problem with the statement, which is that it’s an absolute lie.
In the last few days we’ve been talking a lot about the bizarre perversion of arithmetic that now seems to dominate political campaigning in the UK, and which has the media so tied in knots that the poor Telegraph now thinks nothing of saying the SNP gained council seats, lost them and gained them again in the space of four paragraphs.
But numbers are confusing and we’re very hungry at the moment after some major dental surgery made eating difficult, so we weren’t really paying attention until Ruth Davidson started talking about pies.
Most of the papers today are full of stories screaming hysterically about a (real, but somewhat exaggerated) decline in Scottish educational standards. But if the contents of those papers are anything to go by, Scotland’s schools have been disgorging idiots into the general population for a lot longer than the last 10 years.
He’d very kindly sent us a copy of the same article he’d sent the Beeb. We attach it below. We’ve highlighted in bold the only bits that didn’t make it into the BBC piece.
James on The Nobodies: “Are the Yoons masochists? Do they post here all day, every day because they seek derision? Or is it the…” Aug 1, 23:28
Insider on The Nobodies: “Fatso @ 10:59 Be quiet,child! You are just an embarrassment to yourself and the whole Indy movement!” Aug 1, 23:16
James on The Nobodies: “Aw, don’t take on so, Adrian, petal. Rest assured; it’s only walloper Tory unionist wankers like you, posting all day,…” Aug 1, 22:59
Andy Wiltshire on The Nobodies: “There is a hierarchy of rights nowadays, and children don’t figure in it at all.” Aug 1, 21:51
Aidan on The Nobodies: “Wow you called ‘Reform’ ‘Deform’! That’s so funny and clever, have you got a slot at the fringe?” Aug 1, 20:47
Hatey McHateface on The Nobodies: “Many of us here are “prejudiced” over what we see as medieval and barbaric practices. Beheading, for example, we Scots…” Aug 1, 20:17
sarah on The Nobodies: “Same here, Ronnie. At least I have a couple of his Hamish mugs to cheer me up!” Aug 1, 20:01
diabloandco on The Nobodies: “Fearghas, I remember watching and becoming so enraged by man’s disgusting inhumanity with no redeeming features.” Aug 1, 19:02
TURABDIN on The Nobodies: “Assuming your musings on Islamic and its culture are not intended as irony, they then present as the quintessence of…” Aug 1, 16:46
twathater on The Nobodies: “It’s funny James you would think they would be too busy pushing deform’s vote winning messaging , too busy laying…” Aug 1, 15:46
Aidan on The Nobodies: “If you aren’t happy with the company here James, you could always start your own website. Perhaps obnoxious fat stinking…” Aug 1, 14:41
Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on The Nobodies: “Another sad snatch of “Colonial Victimhood”: BLACK ‘47 (Trailer) www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pSGZt-mhSY” Aug 1, 13:25
Hatey McHateface on The Nobodies: “The great thing about every revolution is that it can never be finished. There will always be backsliders, or faint…” Aug 1, 10:56
Hatey McHateface on The Nobodies: “A trifle harsh, Wally. I’m convinced my comments continue to improve. Any chance you could change your handle? We already…” Aug 1, 10:41
Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on The Nobodies: “Further “Colonial Victimhood” (sic) from Bill Rolston, emeritus professor at Ulster University: BILL ROLSTON: IRELAND, COLONIALISM AND THE UNFINISHED REVOLUTION…” Aug 1, 10:28
Captain Caveman on The Nobodies: “You’re the only “Whopper” round here, Fatso. 🙂” Aug 1, 10:21
James on The Nobodies: “Just what this site needs; yet another Tory Whopper. Jesus wept.” Aug 1, 09:59
Captain Caveman on The Nobodies: “Very true. This whole left wing inspired “Colonial Victimhood” is truly nauseating, childish, monotonous and frankly offensive misappropriation.” Aug 1, 09:53
william G Walker on The Nobodies: “I do enjoy the opening sentence of Wally’s message! Wally Jumblatt says: 1 August, 2026 at 8:47 am The articles…” Aug 1, 09:13
Wally Jumblatt on The Nobodies: “The articles are always articulate and compelling, but the comments get worse and noisier. Colonies and Freedom, you’ll never get…” Aug 1, 08:47
Anthem on The Nobodies: “Ah, so that’s why BP bought up all those natural energy licences and about to pump £bn’s into it. They’re…” Jul 31, 21:21
Hatey McHateface on The Nobodies: “Because the Scottish government is even keener on Nutt Zero than WM. Because the Scottish government has committed Scotland to…” Jul 31, 19:51
Hatey McHateface on The Nobodies: “Strange as it is for me to be sticking up for Confused, he does have a point. I am willing…” Jul 31, 19:43
Hatey McHateface on The Nobodies: “It’s doable if we get the towel heids to do all the hard bits. No doubt that’s the part of…” Jul 31, 19:32
Insider on The Nobodies: “Anthem @ 6:05, You’re having a laugh, aren’t you ?” Jul 31, 18:53
Anthem on The Nobodies: “A little off topic, but why can’t the Scottish government purchase the oil & Gas from BP? It would make…” Jul 31, 18:05
Jay on The Nobodies: “Thank you Agent x” Jul 31, 17:16
Minceheid on The Nobodies: “To be fair they did have a few clever ideas back in yer Golden Age, but sadly it all went…” Jul 31, 16:59
100%Yes on The Nobodies: “The words coming out of your mouth started Nazi Party in Germany. But its only joking, its a same that…” Jul 31, 16:26