Back in the 1980s there was a hit game for the ZX Spectrum home computer called Worse Things Happen At Sea. In it you play a robot whose job is to get a heavily-laden cargo ship safely to port, except that more and more disasters keep befalling it.
It springs leaks, it veers off course, the engine overheats and the robot’s power runs down, until eventually the catalogue of catastrophes overwhelms the harassed metallic custodian and the boat slides down into the murky depths.
We wonder if that feels familiar to anyone at the moment.
On 23rd March this year, after Alex Salmond was found not guilty of 13 criminal charges in the High Court, I called on the Scottish Government to set up a judge-led inquiry into the allegation that he had been the subject of a conspiracy involving the Scottish Government, which resulted in him being accused of criminal behaviour.
There’s an especially interesting post on the blog of Scottish solicitor-advocate Gordon Dangerfield at the moment, pointing out that there are no legal reasons whatever for the Crown Office and Procurator Fiscal Service (COPFS) to be withholding documents relating to the allegations against Alex Salmond, and indeed issuing dire threats of prosecution against him or anyone who might put them into the public domain.
(All of the blog’s coverage of the inquiry in general has been expert and revealing, and should be the first stop for readers seeking to understand proceedings.)
The items in question include the infamous WhatsApp messages exchanged by the group of people attempting to have Salmond imprisoned for crimes he didn’t commit, among them SNP chief executive Peter Murrell.
When two of Murrell’s messages were leaked recently it was front-page news in the Scottish press, and generated a huge amount of subsequent coverage. Commentators as diverse as Mandy Rhodes of Holyrood magazine and Alex Massie of the Times and Spectator have noted that while they’d initially disbelieved talk of a conspiracy, the Scottish Government’s actions have given them the opposite impression.
The message log is absolutely central to Salmond’s claim of a conspiracy against him, so the last thing that either COPFS or the leadership of the SNP wants is for it to become public knowledge. Indeed, COPFS has denied that the messages exist at all, which makes it a bit weird that the police are currently conducting a serious criminal investigation into who leaked some apparently entirely imaginary documents.
So it would be quite astonishing if they suddenly disappeared, wouldn’t it?
Readers, we can’t tell you how much we want to get back to just dissecting Scotland’s hopeless Unionist media for a living. It’s a lot more fun than what the current political circumstances are obliging us to do, so you can hardly imagine our excitement when we spotted what looked like an open goal in yesterday’s Mail On Sunday.
Our ears pricked up immediately at the sight of the words “up to”, which is invariably a sign of dodgy doings on the way, and so it proved. The article contained no solid data at all about the size of Scottish Government special advisers’ pay rises, only how many SpAds there were and which general pay bands they were in, each of which spans a wide range of between £14,000 and £23,000.
But while the Mail had spooned the sitter six feet over the crossbar – because the crude spin they’d put on it was total rubbish – there was still a loose ball just waiting to be knocked into the back of the net.
The SNP’s earth-shattering 2011 majority election victory, which paved the way for the 2014 independence referendum, dropped a bomb on Scottish politics.
What few people realised at the time was that it was also going to set up a series of massive paydays for one of Scotland’s wealthiest demographics: lawyers.
We’re very busy today writing more FOI requests and the like, so we’ll just take a brief moment here to note that hiring super-expensive lawyers to object to the questions you’re being asked DEFINITELY sounds like the behaviour of people who are keen to co-operate fully and in the most transparent way possible with an inquiry:
Having been privileged to serve as SNP National Treasurer, I’m aware of the duties that go with the post. Of course, it’s changed in some ways since then due to the scale of the party, the resources available and even technology. The days are long gone when Joan Knott, who has sadly since passed away, required to take a taxi down to my legal office to have cheques signed between court or clients.
But some things still remain fundamental, and in particular providing annual accounts for the party. That has been done for 2019, in the administrative sense, but what’s missing is their publication and provision either to the NEC or the party more widely.
For sure there’s been no conference but there are other bodies and other ways of making them available to party members. At NEC, conference and indeed anywhere else, members were entitled to see them and question me. It was their right to see them, and it remains so now. So why haven’t they seen them?
Just two days ago the Electoral Commission gave us a fourth supposed date for the publication of the SNP’s 2019 accounts: having first been due out in early August, they then told us to expect them in early September, and then last week, and then in “the next three weeks”, ie the middle of October.
But someone gave us a tipoff that we might be able to request them via Freedom Of Information, since ostensibly the only holdup was that the EC wanted to wait until ALL of the main parties’ accounts were ready and publish them all at once for tidiness.
So we sent one in, and we just got a very quick reply.
The SNP have historically been swift to suspend any party members when there’s any hint of inappropriate conduct, never mind even a whiff of illegality. It’s been that way since 2015, with the axe falling on elected members as well as candidates in target seats and critical elections, and ordinary activists.
Not even a by-your-leave, let alone an explanation, is afforded – just suspension with immediate effect. And that’s all well and good, some might say. No hint of impropriety should attach to the party and making a virtue of acting swiftly can be both necessary and appropriate.
So why then no action against the Chief Executive?
Following up this morning’s article, we’ve been trawling through the Publications/FOI section of the Scottish Government website to see which other articles might be being hidden from its search function. We found quite a few, and you’re never going to guess what the common factor in all of them is.
We’ve given you a wee clue with that picture, though.
Whichever side you’re on, it’s simply observably true that the Scottish Government is doing everything in its power to obstruct, delay and derail the Parliamentary inquiry into its ruinously botched investigation of false allegations against Alex Salmond.
Any investigative journalist attempting to get to the bottom of the subject and find out what really happened is met with a wall of secrecy and misinformation while trying to navigate their way through the publicly-available information, and just to give you some idea of what it’s like, we’d like to offer you one tiny but typical example.
James Barr Gardner on Your Call Is Important To Us: “Mallaidh is an Irish and Scottish Gaelic spelling of the name “Molly,” which itself is a traditional pet form of…” Jul 9, 18:31
twathater on Your Call Is Important To Us: “The ENDLESS mindless responses that all say the same thing “Fuck Off” we’re not interested in addressing your complaints, even…” Jul 9, 17:42
Hatey McHateface on Your Call Is Important To Us: ““Mallaidh” is a very nice Gaelic female name. So probably a real person, possibly a real woman, but according to…” Jul 9, 16:24
A2 on Your Call Is Important To Us: “Too be fair (as we say) You did complain about the rapidity of the previous. “If we twiddle our thumbs…” Jul 9, 16:14
100%Yes on Your Call Is Important To Us: “I would presume, you likely to hear from copfs after the SNP responds in 21 days to these summons.” Jul 9, 16:00
Andy Wiltshire on Your Call Is Important To Us: “Do we know who ‘Mallaidh’ is? A real person, I naively assume.” Jul 9, 15:59
Hatey McHateface on The Interests Of The Many: “WGF is a gust of fresh air compared with the disgraceful and disgusting poison perpetrated by the teatowel wearers and…” Jul 9, 15:42
Morgatron on Response Level Upgrade: “I just wonder if they would arrest you or take you up in front of a Judge in such a…” Jul 9, 15:41
Hatey McHateface on Your Call Is Important To Us: ““avenues of justice” In Scotland these tend to be more wynds than avenues. Unlit at night, deserted, twisting to and…” Jul 9, 15:35
100%Yes on Your Call Is Important To Us: “When your being asked to “Please Hold” from the previous letters I would consider that statement as progress.” Jul 9, 15:23
Captain Caveman on The Interests Of The Many: ““Try fucking off somewhere else.” Ooooh Fatso! 😀 I doubt you can even stand up straight unaided, let alone blow…” Jul 9, 14:18
Confused on The Interests Of The Many: “we know where you live now, main; the nonce-police won’t be able to protect you forever https://archive.ph/qVBBR – aren’t policeman…” Jul 9, 14:03
Confused on The Interests Of The Many: “one day, soon … www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpuDsFSd8YA wir aw jock tamsons bairns” Jul 9, 14:01
Hatey McHateface on The Interests Of The Many: “Seriously, TURABDIN? No mention of the events in Ir@n? How ethnically and religiously diverse are that lot?” Jul 9, 13:50
Oneliner on The Interests Of The Many: “Whilst there may be some dubiety attached to the political veracity of some of its contributors, each year The National…” Jul 9, 13:46
Hatey McHateface on The Interests Of The Many: “On the subject of ethnic diversity, I half watched near 20 minutes of the Canada-Morocco game before I twigged that…” Jul 9, 13:37
Hatey McHateface on The Interests Of The Many: “@ Alf Baird says: 9 July, 2026 at 12:40 pm I don’t do Facebook, Alf. How odd that you do.…” Jul 9, 13:33
TURABDIN on The Interests Of The Many: “i have an aversion to jingoistic idolatrous nationalism of the flag waving sort….i was born in a country where such…” Jul 9, 13:26
James on The Interests Of The Many: ““…try spellcheck….” Try fucking off somewhere else.” Jul 9, 13:24
Alf Baird on The Interests Of The Many: ““Tell us what happens next” There are only two possible outcomes with colonialism, Hatey, as stated at the end of…” Jul 9, 12:40
Marie on The Interests Of The Many: “I agree Turabdin. It’s not normal to have another country’s achievements thrown in your face via media. I’m thankful that…” Jul 9, 12:29
Captain Caveman on The Interests Of The Many: ““Ye wad shuirly fund gey mair ‘morons’ tae the poleetical richt, gied the condeetion o the Western libeal-imperial pouers!” Try…” Jul 9, 12:28
Hatey McHateface on The Interests Of The Many: ““finally, once the people figure out they have been duped, ‘the national party disintegrates’” “Finally”, Alf? No way can that…” Jul 9, 12:17
Hatey McHateface on The Interests Of The Many: “Can’t say I’ve noticed, TURABDIN, no. And then I also have little to compare it against. Although the scenes coming…” Jul 9, 12:14
Hatey McHateface on The Interests Of The Many: “@ Dick Wall says: 8 July, 2026 at 9:52 pm “I wonder what examples you might point out that show…” Jul 9, 12:05
Alf Baird on The Interests Of The Many: “““moron”” Ye wad shuirly fund gey mair ‘morons’ tae the poleetical richt, gied the condeetion o the Western libeal-imperial pouers!” Jul 9, 11:58
TURABDIN on The Interests Of The Many: “Anyone noticed how giddily nationalist the english media have become? You’d think they’d already won the world cup, wimbledon and…” Jul 9, 11:52
Captain Caveman on The Interests Of The Many: ““intellectuals on the left” Oxymoron. (The Left certainly does put the “moron” into oxymoron….)” Jul 9, 11:08