This is a wretchedly boring time to be writing about politics for a living, readers. Parliamentarians in Edinburgh and London haven’t technically checked out for the summer yet – Holyrood still has a month to go before taking two months off, while Westminster is currently having a couple of weeks off for “Whitsun”, whatever the hell that is, before coming back for a month and a half then sodding off until September.
But really they’re already at the “bringing board games in” stage of term, and both the elected chambers and the media already have their eyes on the beach, which probably explains why we’re being punted drivel like this.
Even if we must afford the graphics team some grudging kudos for the unicoo.
Wait, has Nicola Sturgeon died? We didn’t see anything on the news.
Because there are only a limited number of possible reasonable explanations for why police wanting to find out what Nicola Sturgeon knew about something would ask people who aren’t Nicola Sturgeon.
When I was a boy at Balbardie Primary School in Bathgate in the mid-70s, football was banned in the playground. Of course we were all fitba-daft laddies, so we sought ways around the prohibition. Occasionally someone would bring in a tennis ball, but those were difficult to control in school shoes and also apt to fly over the wall of the outdoor toilet block if somebody caught one sweetly on the volley.
So most playtimes somebody would produce a tin of Pepsi or Irn-Bru or Cresta, chug the contents, stand the empty container on its end and stomp sharply on it, producing something more akin to an ice-hockey puck that would serve for our kickabout.
But even after being skelped and scudded around a concrete playground into stone walls for 20 minutes, that can was still in better shape at the end of our game than the one the SNP have been kicking down the road since 2016.
The SNP now seem to be involved in some sort of competition where they dare each other to come up with the most blatant insult to their own members and/or the wider independence movement and see just how much they can get people to put up with.
First up was this drivel:
Humza Yousaf is leader of the SNP, a political party whose defining purpose – arguably its SOLE real purpose – is the pursuit of Scottish independence, but his “vision for Scotland” didn’t include a single mention of it.
Instead, Yousaf intends to spend the next three years on “equality”, “opportunity” and “community”, three meaningless buzzwords which every political party on Earth would claim to be in favour of. He might as well have identified his key values as kittens, lollipops and hugs.
Once again, we’re dismayed to report that we called it right. Because last night SNP MSP Mairi McAllan, officially representing the party on Question Time, told a weary audience in Fort William that that was precisely the case.
And readers, if ever a policy has been tested in battle and found wanting, it’s that one.
Just over a year ago, Shona Robison – then the Cabinet Secretary For Social Justice, now the Deputy First Minister – told the Scottish Parliament this:
There now follow some quotes from the media regarding the case of Andrew Miller, aka Amy George, who yesterday admitted the kidnap and repeated sexual abuse of an 11-year-old girl at his home in Galashiels earlier this year.
Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on The Gender Of Mountains: “WATCHDOG EXPOSES POLICE SCOTLAND SHORTCOMINGS OVER MSP ‘HATE CRIME’ COMPLAINT « Police Scotland failed to adequately handle an MSP’s complaints over…” Apr 4, 22:45
Jay on The Gender Of Mountains: “Why pay so much attention to posts whose main feature is total lack of ethical consistency? Mind you, various other…” Apr 4, 20:59
Alf Baird on The Gender Of Mountains: “Swinney is claiming Trump’s tariffs will damage Scotland’s GDP but fails to understand that colonial rule is already costing Scotland…” Apr 4, 19:58
twathater on The Gender Of Mountains: “Lead Gunn Barrat’s post on her Dear Scotland site indicates that America has 750 military bases in 80 countries around…” Apr 4, 18:33
Hatey McHateface on The Gender Of Mountains: “First mention of the ‘g’ word, Jenny side, for this week, goes to MAI. Very well done. Fascinating to think…” Apr 4, 18:12
Hatey McHateface on The Gender Of Mountains: “Auld Ayr, wham ne’er a town surpasses, For honest men and bonnie lasses. I had a squint at the lady…” Apr 4, 17:45
Aidan on The Gender Of Mountains: “That’s assuming everyone who has signed the petition is a Scottish resident with an entitlement to vote, and hasn’t signed…” Apr 4, 17:07
Mark Beggan on The Gender Of Mountains: “Do you know what a palmist once said to me?” Apr 4, 16:48
Andy Ellis on The Gender Of Mountains: “Yeah, the yoons will be fair shitting themselves that 0.1% of the over 16 voting age population have (consults notes)…..singned…” Apr 4, 16:47
Mia on The Gender Of Mountains: ““First Minister John Swinney is set to champion Scottish trade during the annual Tartan Week celebrations in New York, urging…” Apr 4, 14:55
Mia on The Gender Of Mountains: ““In what universe is preparing to protect yourself against a vicious, domineering, bullying, brutal, violent oaf regarded as “aggression”.” The…” Apr 4, 14:37
Mark Beggan on The Gender Of Mountains: “No no not at all. You can take the girls out of Ayrshire but ye canny take Ayrshire out of…” Apr 4, 14:18
Hatey McHateface on The Gender Of Mountains: “We’re all doomed. Doomed, I tell you. There is nothing left for us, but to work till we drop. Look…” Apr 4, 14:16
Hatey McHateface on The Gender Of Mountains: “The conclusion is inescapable. The poor woman’s been “colonised”. Is it the generic English making her behave like that, or…” Apr 4, 14:11
Marie on The Gender Of Mountains: “It’s as though our politicians are having their strings pulled by powerful people who live in other nation states entirely.…” Apr 4, 13:49
sarah on The Gender Of Mountains: “Thank you for posting the link, IB – I hoped someone would!” Apr 4, 13:30
Mark Beggan on The Gender Of Mountains: “It’s official Mother Nature is homophobic.” Apr 4, 13:30
Confused on The Gender Of Mountains: “stuck indoors, waiting for some workmen to show up … nothing much in the wasteland wings has become check this…” Apr 4, 13:28
Ian Brotherhood on The Gender Of Mountains: “@Sarah (12.37) Thanks for reminder. Have signed and tweeted link. (Currently has 6,430 signatures) petitions.parliament.scot/petitions/PE2135” Apr 4, 13:01
Hatey McHateface on The Gender Of Mountains: “This is powerful and enlightening stuff, MAI. But inevitably, some of the readers are going to be struggling to keep…” Apr 4, 12:49
Hatey McHateface on The Gender Of Mountains: “Mind and get your funeral plan paid up. You’ll be needing that (perhaps more accurately, your relatives will) long before…” Apr 4, 12:38
sarah on The Gender Of Mountains: “Let’s do what we CAN do. There are so many things that worry us and which we can do nothing…” Apr 4, 12:37
diabloandco on The Gender Of Mountains: “Sven , thanks for that – not a lot I can boycott by the looks of it! I’ll just have…” Apr 4, 12:04
Mia on The Gender Of Mountains: “A lot of smoke coming from the US new tariffs. Isn’t that rather convenient? Meanwhile, the deeds of the pathetic…” Apr 4, 11:05
Sven on The Gender Of Mountains: “diabloand co @ 09.12. In 2023, the latest figures I’ve viewed; Machinery and Transport Equipment 19.9 Billion pounds. Fuel 18.7…” Apr 4, 10:18
diabloandco on The Gender Of Mountains: “Could someone tell me what exactly we import from the USA other than Ford and Harley Davidsons? I need to…” Apr 4, 09:12
