Wait, has Nicola Sturgeon died? We didn’t see anything on the news.
Because there are only a limited number of possible reasonable explanations for why police wanting to find out what Nicola Sturgeon knew about something would ask people who aren’t Nicola Sturgeon.
When I was a boy at Balbardie Primary School in Bathgate in the mid-70s, football was banned in the playground. Of course we were all fitba-daft laddies, so we sought ways around the prohibition. Occasionally someone would bring in a tennis ball, but those were difficult to control in school shoes and also apt to fly over the wall of the outdoor toilet block if somebody caught one sweetly on the volley.
So most playtimes somebody would produce a tin of Pepsi or Irn-Bru or Cresta, chug the contents, stand the empty container on its end and stomp sharply on it, producing something more akin to an ice-hockey puck that would serve for our kickabout.
But even after being skelped and scudded around a concrete playground into stone walls for 20 minutes, that can was still in better shape at the end of our game than the one the SNP have been kicking down the road since 2016.
The SNP now seem to be involved in some sort of competition where they dare each other to come up with the most blatant insult to their own members and/or the wider independence movement and see just how much they can get people to put up with.
First up was this drivel:
Humza Yousaf is leader of the SNP, a political party whose defining purpose – arguably its SOLE real purpose – is the pursuit of Scottish independence, but his “vision for Scotland” didn’t include a single mention of it.
Instead, Yousaf intends to spend the next three years on “equality”, “opportunity” and “community”, three meaningless buzzwords which every political party on Earth would claim to be in favour of. He might as well have identified his key values as kittens, lollipops and hugs.
Once again, we’re dismayed to report that we called it right. Because last night SNP MSP Mairi McAllan, officially representing the party on Question Time, told a weary audience in Fort William that that was precisely the case.
And readers, if ever a policy has been tested in battle and found wanting, it’s that one.
Just over a year ago, Shona Robison – then the Cabinet Secretary For Social Justice, now the Deputy First Minister – told the Scottish Parliament this:
There now follow some quotes from the media regarding the case of Andrew Miller, aka Amy George, who yesterday admitted the kidnap and repeated sexual abuse of an 11-year-old girl at his home in Galashiels earlier this year.
But we’ve subsequently noticed a number of attempts by various people to muddy the story by talking about a “draft” warrant request, implying that there was no improper delay. So we checked up, and thought you might like to know how the process works.
Young Lochinvar on Clocks And Calendars: “Baby Trump: Well, that’s it. Keir Starmer is no Winston Churchill – great guy, pity I never knew him -…” Apr 1, 07:21
Young Lochinvar on Clocks And Calendars: “I see militarily unaware Pete Hegseth is clawing the “big bad Royal Navy” should be pulling US and Is Rye…” Apr 1, 06:15
Young Lochinvar on Clocks And Calendars: “Baby Trump says it’s all going to be over in 2 or 3 weeks. So; strap in everybody for the…” Apr 1, 05:57
Peter McAvoy on Clocks And Calendars: “For how long and how often have you criticised others posting forthright comments about politicians and their perceived inability to…” Apr 1, 01:54
Derek on Clocks And Calendars: “Martial law? Or do you mean that everything is to be turned up to 11?” Apr 1, 00:24
Jamie on Sicknote Slippers: “Aidan, you miss the point. If winning elections was all that mattered I would still vote SNP as they are…” Mar 31, 22:56
James on Sicknote Slippers: “YL; ach, he/she/it’s only following the script. Only obeying orders….” Mar 31, 22:34
George Ferguson on Clocks And Calendars: “@Peter McAvoy Because you don’t get to tell others on this site they are bastards. So I am not your…” Mar 31, 21:08
Young Lochinvar on Sicknote Slippers: “Wet P1shfart says; “A vote for the SNP is a vote for my pension pot! Vote SNP, vote for comfy…” Mar 31, 21:06
Young Lochinvar on Sicknote Slippers: “Aidan @ 12.32 “Liberate not even registered in the polls yet”.. Wowser!! Curiouser and curiouser as there’s already both a…” Mar 31, 21:03
Young Lochinvar on Clocks And Calendars: “Malcolm Offord for comedian of the year award. It wouldn’t really be that difficult when you look at the rubbish…” Mar 31, 20:48
Peter McAvoy on Clocks And Calendars: “George How is contribution to you bank balance relevant about this issue? What is wrong with someone who opposed the…” Mar 31, 20:39
Young Lochinvar on Clocks And Calendars: “Yet another pedo pooftah caught out? They’re falling like nine pins at the mo.. And they were all supposed to…” Mar 31, 20:38
George Ferguson on Clocks And Calendars: “@Peter McAvoy I have checked my bank account and you are not a contributor. Dont you think we have been…” Mar 31, 20:13
Mark Beggan on Clocks And Calendars: “Let’s blame someone It’s obviously someone else’s fault. Let’s get together and dance around the crooked clock.” Mar 31, 20:09
Onlooker on Clocks And Calendars: “Look at these two clowns. Sarwar – parents paid for his shitty political career. Baillie – a pie-scoffing brain-flatline. And…” Mar 31, 19:42
Aidan on Sicknote Slippers: “Right so you are voting for Reform then are you? What is the point in voting for Alliance/Liberate. It is…” Mar 31, 19:30
robertkknight on Clocks And Calendars: “This has a familiar ring to it… “Former SNP candidate accused of sex offences” https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c5yx8rdryr0o Otherwise posted without comment.” Mar 31, 19:14
robertkknight on Clocks And Calendars: “That’s a sweeping but entirely accurate assessment of Scottish politics in general.” Mar 31, 19:11
100%Yes on Clocks And Calendars: “James Kelly, has become part of a bigger problem we have within the Independence movement, it’s been happening since Sturgeon…” Mar 31, 19:11
James on Sicknote Slippers: “Ah, Adrian promoting the Scotch Yoon vote yet again. Jamie (& Geri) are spot on with their posts; only a…” Mar 31, 18:18
TURABDIN on Clocks And Calendars: “THE UNITED KINGDOM, united in homogenized banality. What’s not to like?” Mar 31, 15:54
Peter McAvoy on Clocks And Calendars: “Today on the BBC Scotland news website mentioned that the Alexander Dennis factory in Falkirk is to close and the…” Mar 31, 15:14
Aidan on Protest But Don’t Survive: “Do they really? If these regimes are so popular, then why do they need to imprison and execute people for…” Mar 31, 15:00
Captain Caveman on Protest But Don’t Survive: ““I live in Scotland” 😀 Yeah, course you do mate (lol). Along the same lines as “I’ve never been banned”,…” Mar 31, 14:52
Geri on Protest But Don’t Survive: ““working this site” Are you a rent boy? LOL! blimey. I can see the relevance to yer handle now, insider.…” Mar 31, 14:47
Geri on Protest But Don’t Survive: “I live in Scotland. Unlike you three deadbeat fuds. No one is interested in yer Reform pish around these parts.…” Mar 31, 14:40
Insider on Protest But Don’t Survive: ““Geri” You are, by far, the most obvious foreign-based troll “working this site”. Piss off !” Mar 31, 14:23
Aidan on Protest But Don’t Survive: “I can say with absolute confidence that the quality of life in the U.K. and in Scotland is much much…” Mar 31, 14:21