This is a wretchedly boring time to be writing about politics for a living, readers. Parliamentarians in Edinburgh and London haven’t technically checked out for the summer yet – Holyrood still has a month to go before taking two months off, while Westminster is currently having a couple of weeks off for “Whitsun”, whatever the hell that is, before coming back for a month and a half then sodding off until September.
But really they’re already at the “bringing board games in” stage of term, and both the elected chambers and the media already have their eyes on the beach, which probably explains why we’re being punted drivel like this.
Even if we must afford the graphics team some grudging kudos for the unicoo.
Wait, has Nicola Sturgeon died? We didn’t see anything on the news.
Because there are only a limited number of possible reasonable explanations for why police wanting to find out what Nicola Sturgeon knew about something would ask people who aren’t Nicola Sturgeon.
When I was a boy at Balbardie Primary School in Bathgate in the mid-70s, football was banned in the playground. Of course we were all fitba-daft laddies, so we sought ways around the prohibition. Occasionally someone would bring in a tennis ball, but those were difficult to control in school shoes and also apt to fly over the wall of the outdoor toilet block if somebody caught one sweetly on the volley.
So most playtimes somebody would produce a tin of Pepsi or Irn-Bru or Cresta, chug the contents, stand the empty container on its end and stomp sharply on it, producing something more akin to an ice-hockey puck that would serve for our kickabout.
But even after being skelped and scudded around a concrete playground into stone walls for 20 minutes, that can was still in better shape at the end of our game than the one the SNP have been kicking down the road since 2016.
The SNP now seem to be involved in some sort of competition where they dare each other to come up with the most blatant insult to their own members and/or the wider independence movement and see just how much they can get people to put up with.
First up was this drivel:
Humza Yousaf is leader of the SNP, a political party whose defining purpose – arguably its SOLE real purpose – is the pursuit of Scottish independence, but his “vision for Scotland” didn’t include a single mention of it.
Instead, Yousaf intends to spend the next three years on “equality”, “opportunity” and “community”, three meaningless buzzwords which every political party on Earth would claim to be in favour of. He might as well have identified his key values as kittens, lollipops and hugs.
Once again, we’re dismayed to report that we called it right. Because last night SNP MSP Mairi McAllan, officially representing the party on Question Time, told a weary audience in Fort William that that was precisely the case.
And readers, if ever a policy has been tested in battle and found wanting, it’s that one.
Just over a year ago, Shona Robison – then the Cabinet Secretary For Social Justice, now the Deputy First Minister – told the Scottish Parliament this:
There now follow some quotes from the media regarding the case of Andrew Miller, aka Amy George, who yesterday admitted the kidnap and repeated sexual abuse of an 11-year-old girl at his home in Galashiels earlier this year.
SilentMajority on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “The Sturgeon revisionist bio will certainly be a hoot…hopefully straight into the recycle waste via the ‘bargain bin’.” May 6, 14:39
Michael Laing on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “An interesting account, albeit the Germans didn’t have four-engined bombers. Unless I’m mistaken, all their bombers were twin-engined.” May 6, 14:10
Marie on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “And no apology to women and girls. Sturgeon is arrogant deluded and dangerous.” May 6, 13:07
Michael Laing on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “The lives of unemployed and ill and disabled people are ‘almost unliveable’. Indeed, many have been forced to live on…” May 6, 13:01
Stuart MacKay on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “Meanwhile in various hot places not so near to here, the establishment, of which Sturgeon is a fully paid up…” May 6, 12:59
Dave Hansell on The Takeover: “Well, Hatey. I would debate the issue with you – and have tried to on several occasions over the past…” May 6, 12:43
Vivian O’Blivion on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “Speaking to reporters in the Scottish Parliament Sturgeon told reporters : “… in my mind that we are at risk…” May 6, 12:17
Jay on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “In a few years reading Wings, i have not seen such an ignorant attempt at criticising Rev Campbell as that…” May 6, 12:16
Hatey McHateface on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “@William G Walker He sometimes asks people on here if they are heterosexual or homosexual. Read into that what you…” May 6, 12:14
Hatey McHateface on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “Hands up everyone who absolutely loves, LOVES! I tell you, the proud, patriotic, nationalist, blue-arsed Scots, who don’t know the…” May 6, 12:08
Jay on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “Agree with WG Walker, hating that female anatomy suggests some of the worst aspects of the trans movement, therefore a…” May 6, 12:06
Oneliner on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “AGREED. But I doubt your viewpoint will gain much traction with the people of Grangemouth. Whilst the Rev is right…” May 6, 10:54
twathater on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “@ Andy Storrie YOU sound like a snp diehard and apologist can you then tell me what has the snp…” May 6, 02:30
Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “HOME GUARD by Stuart McKinlay. At eighteen years of age, I was a member of the Home Guard, then known…” May 5, 23:46
Bilbo on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “https://archive.is/iUF0F “The ORP Piorun was docked at the John Brown Shipyard for repairs on March 13, 1941, when the town…” May 5, 22:44
Andy Storrie on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “Wit ye gawny dae wae yersel noo, Campbell. That’s yer favourite talking point fucked, son. I dunno who has been…” May 5, 22:32
Bilbo on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “Also to note as well, there is talk in the MSN of right-wing misogyny affecting on social media like Andrew…” May 5, 22:30
Bilbo on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “As others have mentioned, these concepts of left, right and centre are meaningless in today’s climate. I’d like to pick…” May 5, 22:19
Oneliner on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “And yet all Scottish based squadrons were commanded to remain on the ground. Scotland’s ‘Coventry’” May 5, 22:07
sarah on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “Now that the beginning of the end of the gender war has been won, I hope that the 12 month…” May 5, 19:35
agent x on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: ““The Blitz on the industrial town of Clydebank, seven miles from the centre of Glasgow, was one of the most…” May 5, 18:43
twathater on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “Confused you have certainly annoyed captain caveman he has resorted to the usual standby of “The guy’s likely a Buckfast-addled…” May 5, 18:11
Captain Caveman on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “The guy’s likely a Buckfast-addled park bench dweller.” May 5, 16:21
Dunx on Let’s Make Jen Safe Again: “A dig at Reform followed by a racist rant worthy of any card carrying fascist. Confused indeed.” May 5, 15:41