So it looks like the USA has elected a mad orange rapist convicted of 34 felonies who could yet be in jail by the time of his inauguration. (He would remain President even if that happened, which would be really funny.) And we can’t even blame them for it, because the alternative they were offered was, remarkably and stupendously, worse.
To be honest, readers, the peculiar events of yesterday continued to nag at us all day as every news broadcaster in Scotland and beyond leapt eagerly on the ludicrous non-story from the Herald On Sunday’s front page. (It was even the #2 item on BBC Radio Wales, inexplicably).
For such an absolute nothingball of scurrilous sub-gossip to so dominate the entire news media was just too strange to ignore. We cannot remember the last time a low-grade freelancer managed to sell the same story to FOUR major Scottish newspapers – who normally, remember, only want exclusives for their big front-page splashes – let alone a crummy opinion columnist (not even an actual news reporter) who’s only been back in journalism for five minutes after a 15-year break as a failed PR guru.
(Once they’d all run the shoddy hatchet piece, TV and radio then had all the excuse they needed to blare it across the airwaves. “Oh, it’s not us inflating and amplifying this garbage, guv, we’re just reporting what the papers are saying.”)
So in our eternal quest for enlightenment and understanding we thought we’d see if we could find out a bit more about the little-known but recently-revived sleeper assassin with the ironic name: Carlos Alba.
Alex Salmond will be laid to rest in the green turf of Aberdeenshire today in a quiet and dignified private ceremony. (A public celebration of his life will take place next month.)
Most of Scotland’s press and commentariat beclowned itself shamefully after his death just as it did during his life, but below is a (regrettably short) collection of those who did otherwise and who deserve to be noted honourably beside the man himself.
Redaction is a tricky business, and comes with numerous pitfalls even if you’re being careful, which not everyone is. If you’re involved in creating a document you know will have to be redacted, there are a variety of safeguarding approaches you can adopt.
When I worked on a videogames magazine called Amiga Power in the 1990s, we ran a fun comedy feature about censorship. But because the company that published the magazine had had some unfortunate mishaps in the field, we took extra care by typing all the “offensive” words as random-length strings of Xs when we wrote the article.
And it was lucky that we did, because as you can see in the feature’s strapline, the art department misaligned the red redaction bar on some of them, and if there’d been a sweary in there it would have been easily identified.
Wherever you find giants, you also find parasites, bottom-feeders and carrion. When a mighty lion dies in the jungle, tiny creeping crawling maggots and insects and bacteria feast gleefully on its corpse for many days.
Which naturally brings us to the Scottish media.
The above paragraphs of cowardly innuendo and baseless speculative smearing were penned by Severin Carrell and Libby Brooks in the Guardian on Monday. (They’re not from the ironically-headed “Appreciation” that the same two hacks wrote for Sunday’s Observer, in which they audaciously claimed that Salmond’s success was down to Nicola Sturgeon).
They sneakily imply that Salmond was guilty not only of the sexual assaults of which he was cleared in court, but also of an unspecified number of unnamed others, and make assertions of “disturbing evidence about his personal conduct” without specifying what that evidence or conduct might have been.
shug on How it happened: “If you think Trump is batshit crazy have you met Swinney and the trans cult coven of perjurers and those…” Nov 6, 23:21
Ted on How it happened: “Quite a few people bear grudges as you will see from those who continue to support the reputation of the…” Nov 6, 22:22
Sensible Chris on How it happened: “Could you speak in English for those of us bored with your faux Scoatish” Nov 6, 22:17
Ted on How it happened: “Also an excellent candidate. His book Hillbilly Elegy is brilliant.” Nov 6, 22:16
Ted on How it happened: “They came out in force to vote for Trump. Their vote was anti woke, pro farmer and fundamentally anti gender…” Nov 6, 22:14
Breeks on How it happened: “Hmmmmm… maybe. But I seem to recall Trump and Salmond weren’t exactly best buddies. What Trump should do is pretty…” Nov 6, 21:54
Greg on How it happened: “What is the conspiracy nut obsession with Soros? Meanwhile JD Vance was hand picked by Peter Thiel, Elon Musk is…” Nov 6, 21:21
wally jumblatt on How it happened: “Years ago when I transitioned into Wally (not Walid) I was stuck between going for Wakky Bakky (who was an…” Nov 6, 21:13
Scott on How it happened: “Pete Buttigieg is interested in becoming the Democrat nominee for President in 2028. After yesterday, that surely cannot happen, at…” Nov 6, 21:08
aLurker on How it happened: “Aye Andrew. The use of aggregate statistics which purport to show that ‘the economy’ is doing well rather than correctly…” Nov 6, 20:58
Campbell Clansman on How it happened: “Not exactly an endorsement of Alba’s popularity, when the Reform Party was able to field candidates and Alba was not.…” Nov 6, 20:57
Alf Baird on How it happened: “Why not address the points I make: “President Trump has already proven he is not a warmonger. He has proven…” Nov 6, 20:57
Tenruh on How it happened: “Reform stood a candidate in every constituency, Alba in a minority of the constituencies.” Nov 6, 20:40
Jay on How it happened: “Are you one of the Druze people?” Nov 6, 20:22
Skip_NC on How it happened: “Admiral Levine’s post as an Admiral stems from being the US Assistant Secretary for Health. This is held at the…” Nov 6, 20:20
sam on How it happened: “Hard to know how Trump will behave Early signs of dementia? He bears grudges. Very unlikely any criminal trials or…” Nov 6, 20:09
Skip_NC on How it happened: “This cannot possibly be the same Alf Baird that spoke at the Alba International LACU meeting last week. Either that…” Nov 6, 19:53
Skip_NC on How it happened: “I said they are not afraid to elect a moderate Republican. That doesn’t mean that they do on a regular…” Nov 6, 19:49
Alf Baird on How it happened: “President Trump has already proven he is not a warmonger. He has proven he is a businessman and deal-maker, happy…” Nov 6, 19:40
gregor on How it happened: “The Spectator: SNP members slam Swinney’s support of Kamala: “…now the SNP leader has found out he backed the wrong…” Nov 6, 19:36
Campbell Clansman on How it happened: “In what alternate universe is Hawaii open to electing “moderate Republicans?” The state senate is 23-2 Democrat. The state House…” Nov 6, 19:25
Confused on How it happened: “elon musk makes shitty electric cars that go on fire and crash, killing people; the chinese make them better and…” Nov 6, 19:20
Alf Baird on How it happened: “We know of the sovereignty in England of Westminster and hence its MPs due to various legal decisions, not least…” Nov 6, 19:20
Peter McAvoy on How it happened: “When Trump becomes President,will be order the man in the naval uniform to dress like a man and use men’s…” Nov 6, 19:20
Kit Bee on How it happened: “Ahem… Trump himself was Epsteins’s guest on that island (I believe). The CIA will probably have the tapes and if…” Nov 6, 19:18
znovak on How it happened: “No extra costs for repairs in the Capitol building this time. That is surely a good news !” Nov 6, 19:15
Skip_NC on How it happened: “Aye, really far right of Washington. Somewhere like Texas.” Nov 6, 18:58
Jay on How it happened: “Where is the mistake? Ican find no ref. to “Big Mike” in my comments.” Nov 6, 18:55
gregor on How it happened: “Team-Reality knows no bounds (don’t be a forever-loser)… Independent (2023): Trump: Sturgeon is a ‘negative force’ who ‘hurt Scotland’: “Donald…” Nov 6, 18:52
Pipinghot on How it happened: “And four more years of biden the dribbling corpse would have been better somehow?” Nov 6, 18:08