In so far as it’s worth talking about Scottish constitutional politics at all these days, it’s worth taking a moment to analyse the bloodless, anodyne nothingness spouted by the First Minister on The Sunday Show at the weekend.
That clip is less than three minutes long, but it’s so soul-crushingly boring and full of content-free drone and waffle that it’s almost impossible to sit all the way through it, so we’re going to translate and summarise it for you.
Warning: despite the quite zingy title this is actually going to be a very dry stats post, readers. It is, on the other hand, based on a man having something disturbingly close to a complete psychotic mental breakdown, so there’s always that for a bit of colour.
Because the paragraph above, and in particular the highlighted part, is without a doubt the most dishonest, diametrically false and wildly extreme lie about Scottish politics that we’ve ever seen anyone tell in the 13.5 years of Wings Over Scotland’s existence.
And as a rule we don’t bother addressing them because they’re so demented you could spend 5,000 words pulling apart all the individual strands of lunacy every time, and lunatics thrive on attention, but this one does merit a very brief comment.
Because “Vote Labour, get indy” wasn’t our plan. It was John Swinney’s.
As readers may already be aware, my main hobby to distract myself from my day job in the profoundly depressing world of politics is to delve into retro videogaming via my Retropie. It’s an endlessly rewarding fount of discovery and entertainment for many reasons, but sometimes the two spheres collide in extremely unexpected ways.
So let’s talk about GORF.
Midway’s 1981 arcade hit was a pioneering and innovative game. It was the first game to be comprised of multiple highly distinct sub-games, boldly including direct lifts of other people’s coin-ops in the form of Space Invaders and Galaxian. And while it wasn’t the first arcade game to feature synthesised speech – it was beaten to that punch by the likes of Berzerk and Wizard Of Wor the previous year – it was famous for the extensive and iconic vocabulary with which it taunted and goaded the player.
It got numerous conversions of variable quality to various home systems, whether as contemporary licences or later homebrew ports, and that’s where we come in.
Even by the embarrassing standards of The National, the gulf between this morning’s blaring front-page splash and the weak, watery weasel words in the actual article is a chasm so wide and so yawning (in every sense of that word) that it would put the epic planetary scar of Mars’ Valles Marineris to shame.
Coupled with a feebly underwhelming Programme For Government (in which the main policy was the re-abolition of peak rail fares just months after the SNP insisted such a move was unaffordable, with no clue as to where the money had suddenly been found) and a pitiful list of candidates for next year’s Holyrood election featuring the likes of Sally “all aboard the gravy bus!” Donald, Kaukab “DECAPITATE TERFS” Stewart, Kirsten “DECAPITATE TERFS” Oswald, Alison “DECAPITATE TERFS” Thewliss and Alyn “throw anyone who doesn’t want to DECAPITATE TERFS out of the SNP” Smith, the story was an abject vision of a bleak future for independence.
On reflection, we feel we may have not taken this story seriously enough. After all, they don’t put just ANY old guff on the front page of the Sunday Mail.
The less said about the Scottish Government’s toe-curlingly embarrassing “summit” last week, the sooner we can all pretend it never happened. We’ve got little to add to the withering assessments of Robin McAlpine and Kevin McKenna and just about everyone else who’s bothered covering this pathetic waste of everyone involved’s time. (Not that the time of most of these useless quangocrats was worth anything anyway.)
We take a moment only to note something remarkable: the closest Scottish Labour’s hapless branch manager Anas Sarwar has ever come to understanding anything.
Yesterday the Scottish media gave Scottish Greens MSP Maggie Chapman what she’s never willingly given anyone else – a platform on which to make her case.
Most did a very poor job challenging her on her outrageous comments about the Supreme Court, with BBC Radio Scotland’s Drivetime show being an especially wretched example of allowing the interviewee to ignore every question and then just ramble on endlessly about something else entirely, but LBC’s Gina Davidson was on top of her brief and put all the points that reasonable people wanted to be made, while giving Chapman ample time to answer uninterrupted.
Let’s break down how that went, with the help of our handy Bullshit Buzzer.
Hatey McHateface on Narrowing the options: “@Andy Wasn’t it Elkins who proved that in a colony, everybody not working for the security services actually is? Plus,…” Jul 4, 23:18
Hatey McHateface on Narrowing the options: “One thing you may have missed is the recent call by one of the more outspoken spokesmen for the religion…” Jul 4, 23:05
sam on Narrowing the options: “Caveman’s a fool. Knows nothing about the case. Opens his gub with nothing to say.” Jul 4, 21:46
Captain Caveman on Narrowing the options: “Sam is a pronouns kinda guy.” Jul 4, 21:22
Andy Wiltshire on Narrowing the options: “That’s just what you would say if you were working for MI6, which I think we can all agree proves…” Jul 4, 21:09
Hatey McHateface on Fob, Fob, Fobbing Along: ““Colonialism eventually eats itself” Care to put a date on that, Alf? Currently, you’re claiming colonialism is eating us to…” Jul 4, 19:55
Insider on Narrowing the options: ““James” Che… Have your carers walked out on strike and left you alone with the computer ?” Jul 4, 19:53
Doddsotheglen on Tuning In The Shine: “Apart from talking down Scotland and Scotgov and SNP the BBC in Scotland is very controlling of it’s journalists and…” Jul 4, 19:40
James Che on Narrowing the options: “The decision on wether we are in treaty of Union with England may or not may come a lot quicker…” Jul 4, 18:05
James Che on Narrowing the options: “Fearghas, The private rights of the Scottish people would include mums and dads in Scotland, It would also include wether…” Jul 4, 17:47
Captain Caveman on Narrowing the options: ““Like Roddy, QC, there will be plenty of pro British people united with us pro Indy/Scottish types, so the reach…” Jul 4, 17:44
James Che on Narrowing the options: “The Bank of England? Obviously not the Bank of Scotland, the Bank of Ireland, or the Bank of Wales. Perhaps…” Jul 4, 17:32
Willie on Narrowing the options: “And whilst we are on tbe subject of politically corrupt colonial police doing how many folks have heard of Home…” Jul 4, 17:29
Willie on Narrowing the options: “4nd whilst we are on tbe subject of politically corrupt colonial police doing how many folks have heard of Home…” Jul 4, 17:25
crisiscult on Narrowing the options: “Regularly drop by, but rarely post. I’ve been a frequent visitor here since 2012. I used to subscribe, then stopped…” Jul 4, 17:23
sam on Narrowing the options: “My apology Fearghas. It is a discrimination and harassment claim which has been running for several days and reported by…” Jul 4, 16:49
Alf Baird on Fob, Fob, Fobbing Along: ““if London wasn’t a colony?” The collaborating elites/bourgeoisie of hundreds of ex colonies are forced to head for the metropolitan…” Jul 4, 16:41
Mark Beggan on Narrowing the options: “A Bank of England note please. Can’t trust those Reichsmarks. Very volatile exchange rate.” Jul 4, 16:33
Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on Narrowing the options: “Thanks. A bit of context from you would have helped. I read through the whole thing to my bemusement. I…” Jul 4, 16:04
Hatey McHateface on Narrowing the options: “I have a brand new, crisp, uncirculated Bank of Scotland £20 note that says the legislation won’t be applied to…” Jul 4, 14:55
Hatey McHateface on Fob, Fob, Fobbing Along: “Poor example, Aidan. Do you think Sadiq Khan would be London mayor if London wasn’t a colony?” Jul 4, 14:49
sam on Narrowing the options: “Fearghas Please see here. https://threadreaderapp.com/thread/2069729510468034778.html” Jul 4, 14:49
Hatey McHateface on Narrowing the options: “It can’t be, Mark. Cesaire predicted this and there were no puberty blockers in his day.” Jul 4, 14:42
Hatey McHateface on Fob, Fob, Fobbing Along: “You’d try the patience of a saint, Alf. Few believe the “too poor” jibe these days. It has been replaced…” Jul 4, 14:38
Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on Narrowing the options: “PEERS: ‘WESTMINSTER’S CONVERSION PRACTICES BILL IMPERILS THE INNOCENT’ Peers have warned that the Government’s plans to ban so-called conversion practices…” Jul 4, 14:31
Mark Beggan on Narrowing the options: “It’s the side effects of the puberty blockers.” Jul 4, 14:18
Aidan on Fob, Fob, Fobbing Along: “There are over 500 independent (e.g. colonial lol) schools in London, so I assume that also makes London a colony?” Jul 4, 13:46
James Che on Narrowing the options: “No private rights for the evident utility of the of the subjects within Scotland. Or No union, And this covers…” Jul 4, 13:41
Chas on Narrowing the options: “As I look at the comments just now, 7 out of the last 8 posts from the same nutter. Probably…” Jul 4, 13:40
