Scotland’s biggest cultural problem famously used to be with its alpha males: hard-working, hard-drinking men, often sexist and openly sectarian, with an easy propensity for violence. (The archetype cut right across every social class, from shipyard workers to high-ranking police officers and everywhere between and beyond.)
But times change, and thankfully those characters are now almost entirely a thing of the past. Less happily, though, they’ve simply been replaced by a breed that’s every bit as unpleasant, just in slightly different ways. Readers, meet the Beta Bullies.
Look, we know. But there’s no news. Check out the state of it.
“KEYBOARD PLAYER ALLEGEDLY GOT FAT-SHAMED AT SOME UNSPECIFIED POINT IN TIME BY FOURTH-DIVISION BAND WHO LAST HAD A TOP 40 SINGLE IN 2006“ and “CYCLIST GOES TO TOILET”. Front pages.
(The keyboard player now works for SNP pie-disposal unit Anne McLaughlin, ironically, which seems to be the closest relationship the story has with current affairs. But hey, kudos to the Record for beating all the other papers to that “exclusive”.)
We remain alert. If anything remotely worthwhile happens, we’ll be on it.
At least, we assume there was a sizeable current being passed through it, as little else could explain the visibly uncomfortable half-hour experienced by hapless Stonewall chair Iain Anderson with Beth Rigby last night, or the seemingly random changes every few seconds in his facial expressions, body language and accent.
(Just about the only constant, other than his sweating top lip, was the deeply irritating modern phenomenon of stupid people starting every sentence with the word “So…”.)
If you’re a connoisseur of vacuous, nervous awkwardness you’re in for a real treat. If you want to see a human being actually answering any questions with even the tiniest shred of coherence, pertinence or honesty, maybe give it a miss.
Here are three recent newspaper stories. This one’s from two weeks ago:
A wealthy businessman, related to an SNP MP, is alleged to have donated tens of thousands of pounds in envelopes to the party which it is claimed have unlawfully not been recorded with the Electoral Commission.
We’ve seen some hilarious demands for “unity” in the independence movement in the last couple of years, almost all of them from the most divisive figures ever to wave a wee plastic Saltire (Pete Wishart, Neil Mackay, Wee Ginger Dug etc etc).
But this effort from the SNP’s new airhead mascot takes the shortbread.
This is a wretchedly boring time to be writing about politics for a living, readers. Parliamentarians in Edinburgh and London haven’t technically checked out for the summer yet – Holyrood still has a month to go before taking two months off, while Westminster is currently having a couple of weeks off for “Whitsun”, whatever the hell that is, before coming back for a month and a half then sodding off until September.
But really they’re already at the “bringing board games in” stage of term, and both the elected chambers and the media already have their eyes on the beach, which probably explains why we’re being punted drivel like this.
Even if we must afford the graphics team some grudging kudos for the unicoo.
You really have to go some to stand out as a proper grade-A scumbag in the ranks of trans activists, readers, but let’s be fair and commend some serious effort when we see it. Everyone, meet Beth (no, not that one).
Beth is a nasty little grifter trying to monetise “transphobia”, although it’s not going massively well so far, with only five donors signed up. So they’ve come up with an idea, although not a very original one: a list.
Goodness knows we could all do with some cheering up at the moment, so let’s have a momentary change of tone and kick today off with a chuckle or two.
We’ve been working a bit too hard lately, and yesterday’s Wings post went to press with an unprecedented FOUR errors in it, including an “is is” instead of “it is”, a “more far” in place of a “far more” and a “strata” where there should have been a “stratum”. We’re deeply ashamed, and thanks to the alert Wings readers – including our mum – who swiftly drew our attention to them.
The most embarrassing clanger was this one, which we fixed promptly:
So imagine our surprise when we were reading this morning’s Scottish press.
Mark Beggan on The Long Walk To Freedom: “‘Hello, hello, hello. Is there anybody in there, just nod if you can hear me, is there anyone home. Relax,…” Dec 9, 02:10
Mark Beggan on The Long Walk To Freedom: “Well done Sandie Peggy. She’s got balls!! ?” Dec 9, 01:45
Peter McAvoy on The Long Walk To Freedom: “Would you prefer the abolition of jury trials. How many miscarriages of justice have taken place in England compared to…” Dec 9, 01:40
Tinto Chiel on Off-topic: ““…..aided and abetted by the UK high heid yins”, a fact sadly never reflected in the MSM. Mrs Tinto has…” Dec 8, 22:33
sarah on Off-topic: “Well, you’re not wrong about world events, the most awful things going on, aided and abetted by the UK high…” Dec 8, 21:53
James Cheyne on The Long Walk To Freedom: “The final analyses of the dissolution of the parliament of Great Britain time and again so the parliament of England…” Dec 8, 21:31
James Cheyne on The Long Walk To Freedom: “The parliament of England after acting as the parliament of England to make treaties and contractual agreements legally cannot re-…” Dec 8, 21:07
James Cheyne on The Long Walk To Freedom: “So what did I omit in my ramblings and thoughts to you all while I swither over the treaty of…” Dec 8, 20:45
Tinto Chiel on Off-topic: “Hi, Sarah: oh, no, just girding my loins (ooh, matron!) for The Last Battle. I’ve only looked in two or…” Dec 8, 19:59
Aidan on The Long Walk To Freedom: “I’ve no idea to be honest Hatey, but as long as they are FIGHTING that is good enough for me.…” Dec 8, 19:58
Northcode on The Long Walk To Freedom: ““… you’ve taken that too far.” I fear you might be right… I feel dirty now. Not least because I…” Dec 8, 19:56
Hatey McHateface on The Long Walk To Freedom: “Hmmm, Northy, you’ve taken that too far. Cos I don’t want to believe you enjoyed having high pressure air blasted…” Dec 8, 19:34
Northcode on The Long Walk To Freedom: ““…an increasingly big and increasingly vocal minority…” Indeed, aye. I was having a bite of lunch a couple of years…” Dec 8, 19:31
sarah on Off-topic: “Hi, Tinto. Nice to hear from you. I trust that all is well with you and you are keeping your…” Dec 8, 19:29
Hatey McHateface on The Long Walk To Freedom: “Ah ken that ane. It’s ane of the Apocrypha. But dinna let oan tae Confused.” Dec 8, 19:26
Northcode on The Long Walk To Freedom: “I was played like a church organ once…I rather enjoyed the experience.” Dec 8, 19:10
Hatey McHateface on The Long Walk To Freedom: “@Aidan Has it occurred to you that the Liberate Scotland boys are almost certainly FIGHTING among themselves?” Dec 8, 19:09
Hatey McHateface on The Long Walk To Freedom: ““Labour had been in power in Scotland mostly for the previous 70 years and the destruction and carnage they presided…” Dec 8, 19:06
Hatey McHateface on The Long Walk To Freedom: “Did you know that cat is just tac spelled backwards?” Dec 8, 18:55
Hatey McHateface on The Long Walk To Freedom: ““And how much I hate them. For failing us all entirely.” Quite a reek of smouldering breeks from that post,…” Dec 8, 18:53
Northcode on The Long Walk To Freedom: “I would rather be a deluded eejit than a colonialist… and, thankfully, I am. Phew! And, yes. I WILL be…” Dec 8, 18:51
stuckdoonhame on The Long Walk To Freedom: “And true to type, Misreporting Scotland has just treated us to a pile of wibbling drivel about the outcome and…” Dec 8, 18:44
Aidan on The Long Walk To Freedom: “Quite right! Both votes SNP, that’ll show the yoons! Or you could be one of the ten people voting for…” Dec 8, 18:41
Nae Need! on The Long Walk To Freedom: “Indeed, Northcode. And for once, I’d prefer (hold me back, hold me back) NOT to go on a huge rant…” Dec 8, 18:17
Hatey McHateface on The Long Walk To Freedom: “@ Northcode says: 8 December, 2025 at 5:50 pm “ALL colonialists are bad” Oh aye. That’s why you go to…” Dec 8, 18:13
