The National carried a strange article yesterday, apropos of seemingly nothing, about a Brussels-based political thinktank supposedly linked to the right-wing Prime Minister of Hungary, Viktor Orban. The piece actually originated on superwoke “fact-checking” site The Ferret a couple of days earlier, and professed to expose how the thinktank was “stoking Scotland’s culture war”.
Alert readers will already have pricked up their ears at this point, because “culture war” is a radical-left dogwhistle term used to obscure, belittle and dismiss groups (largely though not exclusively comprising left-wing feminists) fighting for the safeguarding of children and the protection of women’s and LGB rights.
As more horrific experiences from survivors of rape torture gangs surface from across the UK, we must focus not on knee-jerk political posturing but on the root cause that led to the failure of these children by our society.
Political inaction has now opened the door to inevitable political mileage, nurtured from stoking vengeance in a rightly-angered public. Those only interested in creating cultural conflicts no more support justice for survivors than those who allowed this abomination to fester by looking away or worse, covering up the problem.
For any functioning society, inflicting unimaginable pain on children on an alarming scale seems unimaginable. Yet, the evidence has been in front of us for years – so why has immediate action to ensure the safeguarding of children – and vulnerable adults – not been a pressing priority?
To be honest, readers, the peculiar events of yesterday continued to nag at us all day as every news broadcaster in Scotland and beyond leapt eagerly on the ludicrous non-story from the Herald On Sunday’s front page. (It was even the #2 item on BBC Radio Wales, inexplicably).
For such an absolute nothingball of scurrilous sub-gossip to so dominate the entire news media was just too strange to ignore. We cannot remember the last time a low-grade freelancer managed to sell the same story to FOUR major Scottish newspapers – who normally, remember, only want exclusives for their big front-page splashes – let alone a crummy opinion columnist (not even an actual news reporter) who’s only been back in journalism for five minutes after a 15-year break as a failed PR guru.
(Once they’d all run the shoddy hatchet piece, TV and radio then had all the excuse they needed to blare it across the airwaves. “Oh, it’s not us inflating and amplifying this garbage, guv, we’re just reporting what the papers are saying.”)
So in our eternal quest for enlightenment and understanding we thought we’d see if we could find out a bit more about the little-known but recently-revived sleeper assassin with the ironic name: Carlos Alba.
Alex Salmond will be laid to rest in the green turf of Aberdeenshire today in a quiet and dignified private ceremony. (A public celebration of his life will take place next month.)
Most of Scotland’s press and commentariat beclowned itself shamefully after his death just as it did during his life, but below is a (regrettably short) collection of those who did otherwise and who deserve to be noted honourably beside the man himself.
Wherever you find giants, you also find parasites, bottom-feeders and carrion. When a mighty lion dies in the jungle, tiny creeping crawling maggots and insects and bacteria feast gleefully on its corpse for many days.
Which naturally brings us to the Scottish media.
The above paragraphs of cowardly innuendo and baseless speculative smearing were penned by Severin Carrell and Libby Brooks in the Guardian on Monday. (They’re not from the ironically-headed “Appreciation” that the same two hacks wrote for Sunday’s Observer, in which they audaciously claimed that Salmond’s success was down to Nicola Sturgeon).
They sneakily imply that Salmond was guilty not only of the sexual assaults of which he was cleared in court, but also of an unspecified number of unnamed others, and make assertions of “disturbing evidence about his personal conduct” without specifying what that evidence or conduct might have been.
We’ve just watched the BBC’s new documentary, and we’re confused.
You can see both episodes on iPlayer now, or on TV tonight and tomorrow, but there’s no mistaking what’s being advertised – a personal drama between the two biggest players in Scottish politics in the last 300 years.
In many ways, the fabricated, hysterical furore of Humza Yousaf Vs Elon Musk is the ultimate in summer-silly-season politics stories.
Absurdly plainly, the former First Minister ISN’T going to take any legal action against the billionaire owner of Twitter. He only likes bullying small nurseries, and even then he doesn’t follow through. He didn’t even sue us for calling him racist a few months ago, so there’s zero chance he’s going to square up to the world’s richest man.
Every now and again you’ll go to clean them up and find something that you’ve been meaning to write about in a quiet moment, and this certainly counts as a quiet moment in Scottish politics, so let’s do this one now.
Because the story above is from March, but we don’t think we’ve ever seen anyone anywhere talk about just how weird it is, or what it tells us about the 2024 SNP.
We’ve been off for a little break in the country, and as far as we can tell we’ve missed absolutely nothing in the moribund world of Scottish politics. We did, however, arrive back just in time for something mildly interesting, or at least revealing.
It’s the latest episode of a new podcast by veteran Scottish political journalist and broadcaster Bernard Ponsonby and jobbing opinion columnist Alex Massie, inventively titled The Ponsonby And Massie Podcast.
The first 35 minutes or so weren’t very noteworthy, other than the curious omission – when predicting the makeup of the next Scottish Government – of the idea of a Labour-SNP coalition, which to this site remains by far the most practical and logical outcome of the 2026 Holyrood election.
The 2005 election was the last time the Daily Record and the Scottish Sun both endorsed the same party at a UK general election. So, y’know, something is going on.
Geri on Looking up at the stars: “Careful you don’t catch that zip running up the back of yer napper..” Mar 15, 02:23
Geri on Looking up at the stars: “Get a grip, ya balloon. Hello! Is that the polis? Someone upset me on the internet… Whhhhaaaaaa! Whaaaaa! I’m sure…” Mar 15, 02:15
Mark Beggan on Looking up at the stars: “If you comment on this platform again I will report your comment to the Police. Just fucking try me. Prick.” Mar 15, 00:34
Mark Beggan on Looking up at the stars: “You are coming in your pants hoping for a retaliation from the Islamic inbreds. It will happen. The attack will…” Mar 15, 00:30
Young Lochinvar on Looking up at the stars: “I see an advert has been created for Magnum Bon Bons that hasn’t learnt the hard lesson that trannifying products…” Mar 14, 22:38
Geri on Looking up at the stars: “Not going to happen. Now Iran will attack theirs. They said the other day they’d be moving to reciprocal targets.…” Mar 14, 20:39
Sven on Looking up at the stars: “Please, YL, It’s challenging enough for this old duffer’s weary and deteriorating grey cells to sort out and skip over…” Mar 14, 20:33
Geri on Looking up at the stars: “If predictions pan out as some suggest – it’s going to be you living in a Totalitarian Theocracy. A one…” Mar 14, 20:26
Dan on Looking up at the stars: “@Aidan You’re putting way too much effort into responding to the wrong conversations… You’ve time to “engage” and bicker with…” Mar 14, 20:24
Aidan on Looking up at the stars: “Oh fuck me another one has started. I can’t go watch the borders rally tonight as I’m in Spain but…” Mar 14, 19:45
Dan on Looking up at the stars: “Hey Aidan ya bawbag. No point in you complaining about Wing’s BTL discourse dying on its arse when your own…” Mar 14, 19:14
agentx on Looking up at the stars: “It’s an 80 minute game – Ireland 43 – 21 Scotland at the end. It was a great game of…” Mar 14, 18:58
Aidan on Looking up at the stars: “A useless piece of smegma like you isn’t gonna be doing any rounding up, sit doon.” Mar 14, 18:23
James on Looking up at the stars: ““…murder and torture…” That’s your job, right?” Mar 14, 17:49
James on Looking up at the stars: “Sven; There always was and only ever will be one original “Site Prick”. It is in reality a 77th bunch…” Mar 14, 17:48
Young Lochinvar on Looking up at the stars: “Just seen the news and have noted the latest piece of subliminal doublespeak. Kharg island in Iran was attacked because…” Mar 14, 17:47
James on Looking up at the stars: “Aw, Adrian, petal; I rather think it would.” Mar 14, 17:45
Sven on Looking up at the stars: “Maybe be more specific as to which particular “site prick” you identify, James, some of our views may differ.” Mar 14, 17:38
Aidan on Looking up at the stars: “Yeah you come and round me up James you stinky fat shit. It’ll definitely go well for you.” Mar 14, 17:08
Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on Looking up at the stars: “[« The Scottish approach was based on their misunderstanding of the two words ‘Scotia’ and ‘Scotus’. From the fourth century…” Mar 14, 16:55
Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on Looking up at the stars: “« Bunaíodh cur chuige na nAlbanach ar an míthuiscint a bhain siad as an dá fhocal ‘Scotia’ agus ‘Scotus. Ón…” Mar 14, 16:53
Mark Beggan on Looking up at the stars: “Ok. You have just advocated murder and torture. You are a cowardly prick. Now get to fuck.” Mar 14, 16:03
Hatey McHateface on Looking up at the stars: “Not that long AGO, Rev Stu published an article on here, ripping THE shit out of somebody for producing material…” Mar 14, 15:58
James on Looking up at the stars: “Can we start the round ups and lynchings with the 77th bunch? And unplug the Site Prick while we’re there?” Mar 14, 15:57
James on Looking up at the stars: “Wish someone would offer £20 for you to fuck off.” Mar 14, 15:31
sarah on Looking up at the stars: “Rugby score looking better: Ireland 19 – 12 Scotland at 53 minutes.” Mar 14, 15:28
James on Looking up at the stars: “He wisne frae Edinburgh ya fucking unionist clown.” Mar 14, 15:28
twathater on Looking up at the stars: “As usual poor wee hatey nae pals has to have a go at elderly Scots people who have paid their…” Mar 14, 15:05