Do you remember the old days, readers? We’re talking about the far-off era of ancient history when Labour insisted that the worst, most evil, most right-wing thing that any government could do was to cut Corporation Tax, and that it was vital Scotland didn’t become independent in case that catastrophe occurred:
We’re feeling a bit stupid right now, readers. Earlier on today we sarcastically dubbed Scottish Labour “geniuses” over their plans to reintroduce alcohol (and sectarian singing) back to Scottish football at exactly the point when Scotland seemed to have finally turned the corner in its dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.
Indeed, for days now Labour have been carrying out a two-pronged stunt-photocall strategy, touring the country standing outside hospital casualty departments looking concerned about an almost entirely imaginary “A&E crisis”, while also leafleting every major football ground promising to let fans get smashed at games again.
Seeking a cheap laugh, we tweeted that we hoped they didn’t get confused and start handing out their “MOAR BOOZE!” literature outside the A&E wards, but then an alert reader pointed out that we were idiots and Jim Murphy was in fact an evil mastermind.
One of the compensations of living in England (from the perspective of editing a website about Scottish politics) is that you get a much clearer picture of how English people – who make up 85% of the UK electorate, and as such in practice determine who the government is – see the country’s political leaders.
For those of you who don’t, here’s Charlie Brooker – a man who’s no fan of the Tories by any stretch of the imagination – casting a weary and exasperated eye over Ed “these strikes are wrong” Miliband on last night’s Weekly Wipe.
In our experience it’s a pretty accurate snapshot of how the hapless Labour leader is regarded by most left-leaning people down on this side of the border. You’ll need to have seen the rest of the episode to get the “Schofield!” joke.
There’s a very strange article on the front page of the Herald website this morning. It’s an interview with Nigel Farage in which the UKIP leader insists that his party, not the SNP, will hold the balance of power in the UK parliament after May’s election.
It’s a bold assertion given that current projections put the SNP on anywhere from 30 to 56 seats with UKIP expected to struggle to get 5 to 10. But Farage’s rationale for the statement is an interesting one.
The abusive Facebook comments recently directed at Labour MP Margaret Curran and highlighted in a piece on the STV website today make us sigh. Not only are they horrible but they’re counter-productive, in every sense of the term – they’re not going to change Curran’s mind about anything by yelling at her, and they feed a narrative about “vile cybernats” that the media is all too eager to gleefully perpetuate.
So let’s make something clear from the off: shut up, idiots. You’re not helping.
Because a good satirist can sometimes make a point better in seven sentences than idiots like us can in a 1000-word article, and make it funny at the same time.
The very few readers who don’t immediately just snort and turn the page when they see the words “George Foulkes” may have noticed in yesterday’s Herald that the thirsty peer could be found gloating gleefully that had Scotland voted for independence last September it would now be “bankrupt” due to the decline in oil prices.
We can’t be bothered pointing out for the 500th time that a Yes vote wouldn’t have seen Scotland actually independent until March 2016, and that the oil price NOW is therefore about as relevant to anything as, well, Baron Foulkes himself.
But we couldn’t help noticing a couple of small arithmetical details.
There really isn’t very much of a news story in this morning’s Sun “exclusive” that some Labour MPs say they’d quit the party rather than work with the SNP should the electorate deliver such a result in May. One told the paper:
Those of us who remember the parade of furious Scottish Labour figures going on TV and openly threatening to scupper any “rainbow coalition” involving the Nats in 2010, thereby ensuring that David Cameron and George Osborne came to power, won’t be the least bit surprised at the sheer depth of hatred and jealous rage that consumes Labour’s branch office in North Britain when the SNP are mentioned.
And there’s nothing eyebrow-raisingly new in Scottish Labour’s spiteful determination that if Scots vote against the Conservatives – but not for Labour – they should be punished with Tory governments. It’s the standard policy of electoral blackmail that the party has deployed against the rise of rivals from the left for years, and which it’s now also turning against the Greens south of the border.
But there is a telling phrase in that short quote.
Independent website Political Compass has just released its 2015 graph charting the ideological positions of all the political parties of the UK. It’s a fairly predictable one.
On the image above, we’ve added, for parties active in Scotland only, striped circles indicating each party’s 2010 position. But what does it tell us about 2015?
It’s somehow fitting that the lead article on Labour Hame today is headed by a lie before it even starts – an offer to join the party for £1 that takes you to a page where it actually costs five times as much.
(We’d noticed days ago that the much-hyped £1 offer had been quietly dumped after just a month, but it appears that nobody in the Scottish branch office thought to keep poor hapless Labour Hame in the loop.)
The article below, though, is remarkably even more dishonest.
Southernbystander on Believers In The Ruins: “He was hounded by a relentless media onslaught, much of it driven but those made mad with rage by their…” Aug 16, 21:59
john h williams on Believers In The Ruins: “Captain Caveman very well said,it is a disgraceful post from someone who has very little idea of Autism or disabilities…” Aug 16, 19:57
James on Believers In The Ruins: “Look at yersel in a mirror, wee man; you’ll see yin.” Aug 16, 19:37
DaveL on Believers In The Ruins: “That’s rich coming from the Nazi fanboy himself! Who’d be Hatey? What a winner!” Aug 16, 18:59
agentx on Believers In The Ruins: “When you see “Confused says:” scroll on by.” Aug 16, 18:44
Alf Baird on Believers In The Ruins: ““”In physics, the concept of “opposites attract” is a foundational principle.” It is well known that certain groups of colonized…” Aug 16, 18:39
Red on Believers In The Ruins: “It’s regrettable when empathetic hearts are tricked into sympathy for the worst people. This is what Courtney Gartshore did, without…” Aug 16, 17:43
Hatey McHateface on Believers In The Ruins: “Pointless. Murrell endorses superglue for Scotland. Don’t be fobbed off with inferior substitutes.” Aug 16, 17:21
Hatey McHateface on Believers In The Ruins: “C’moan Confused. Dae Restore next! Then the Jews aboot 9 PM after the second boattle kicks in. It’s nae lik…” Aug 16, 17:19
robertkknight on Believers In The Ruins: “Hammer meets nail. Farage would sell his own Granny for glue.” Aug 16, 16:34
twathater on Believers In The Ruins: “Keep on telling it like it is confused , don’t let the middle class claimants put you off” Aug 16, 15:40
Hatey McHateface on Believers In The Ruins: “Light cannot exist without darkness? So if I turn on a bright light in a dark room, I can’t turn…” Aug 16, 15:01
Hatey McHateface on Believers In The Ruins: “Sorry, TURABDIN, you may not be fully up to speed with the lunacy here. Burnham is simultaneously letting real criminals…” Aug 16, 14:54
Hatey McHateface on Believers In The Ruins: “Hands up now! How many alert readers have twigged that a fatberg can’t ever know what a phallus is!” Aug 16, 14:46
Captain Caveman on Believers In The Ruins: ““An appalling post stuffed full of ignorance and bile” Welcome to Confused.” Aug 16, 13:43
James on Believers In The Ruins: “Adrian; noted and acknowledged. Meanwhile, as predicted the site phallus appears just like clockwork….. But you’re the one doing all…” Aug 16, 13:26
Spartan 117 on Believers In The Ruins: “An appalling post stuffed full of ignorance and bile, aside from the closing point about the BBC and the Western…” Aug 16, 13:20
Southernbystander on Believers In The Ruins: “TURABDIN, If there is irony there it is covered in too much of the blank variety, and so has become…” Aug 16, 12:53
Confused on Believers In The Ruins: “er, the point I was making about “things can always get worse” – https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cz977nxww1jo the main reason people hit the…” Aug 16, 12:24
TURABDIN on Believers In The Ruins: “THE SCOTTISH ANTISYZYGY PARADOX AND PHYSICS. Understanding Oppositional Forces in Physics Fundamental Principles In physics, the concept of “opposites attract”…” Aug 16, 12:01
Captain Caveman on Believers In The Ruins: “@Alf Well, there’s only one person around here “in perpetual darkness of their Colonial Echo Chamber®”, Alf – as you…” Aug 16, 11:46
Jay on Believers In The Ruins: “Hi 100%, i typed in all those characters but youtube and this tablet do not communicate. Was keen to see…” Aug 16, 11:39
Hatey McHateface on Believers In The Ruins: “I think Burnham shouldn’t have been daft enough to threaten people flouting the disposable barbecue rule with prison. Even if…” Aug 16, 11:20
Hatey McHateface on Believers In The Ruins: “Odd hoo mony times I post tae Northy and you reply, Alf. Or vice versa. Here’s an echo I just…” Aug 16, 11:11
Hatey McHateface on Believers In The Ruins: “We can all see and understand those cases where a cold blooded killer is arrested, charged, tried and sentenced, and…” Aug 16, 10:46
100%Yes on Believers In The Ruins: “@ alurker and everyone else link to this conversation. Lets say for arguments sake, that Scotland doesn’t exist anymore just…” Aug 16, 10:34
Alf Baird on Believers In The Ruins: “Here is a wee bittie licht for yersel an ithers Hatey, in the perpetual darkness of your colonial echo chamber:…” Aug 16, 10:22
Alf Baird on Believers In The Ruins: ““These must be English elections in Scotland seeing as the English parliament was not dissolved 3 hundred years ago.” True,…” Aug 15, 21:59
Aidan on Believers In The Ruins: “For once I have to agree with James, there are no jurisdictions to my knowledge where the death penalty is…” Aug 15, 21:42
James on Believers In The Ruins: “Well said, Grace. “…When are we going to bring back the death penalty…” they wail. If they could, they could…” Aug 15, 21:20