As a lifelong political geek and former SNP and Alba Party member, I’ve spent years supporting Scotland’s independence movement. However, over the last few years, I’ve watched the campaign (as opposed to support for independence) wither away. Being a Scottish nationalist has become increasingly disheartening, like watching someone you love succumb to a slow, debilitating illness. In frustration, I switched off from my homeland and turned my focus to the drama of US politics.
Over the last three years I immersed myself in it, watching both left and right-wing outlets. I became so hooked and invested that I jumped on a plane to Washington DC for the 2024 election. I canvassed with DC Democrats in rural Pennsylvania (that’s me third from the left in the pic below), attended Kamala Harris’s concession rally, and went to Trump’s only watch party in DC.
My journey led me to believe that Scotland’s independence campaign could learn a great deal from Trump’s victory and the Democrats’ failure.
We’ll give you three guesses as to the highly controversial and extravagantly taxpayer-funded organisation that has its rainbow fingerprints all over this story, readers.
To be honest, readers, the peculiar events of yesterday continued to nag at us all day as every news broadcaster in Scotland and beyond leapt eagerly on the ludicrous non-story from the Herald On Sunday’s front page. (It was even the #2 item on BBC Radio Wales, inexplicably).
For such an absolute nothingball of scurrilous sub-gossip to so dominate the entire news media was just too strange to ignore. We cannot remember the last time a low-grade freelancer managed to sell the same story to FOUR major Scottish newspapers – who normally, remember, only want exclusives for their big front-page splashes – let alone a crummy opinion columnist (not even an actual news reporter) who’s only been back in journalism for five minutes after a 15-year break as a failed PR guru.
(Once they’d all run the shoddy hatchet piece, TV and radio then had all the excuse they needed to blare it across the airwaves. “Oh, it’s not us inflating and amplifying this garbage, guv, we’re just reporting what the papers are saying.”)
So in our eternal quest for enlightenment and understanding we thought we’d see if we could find out a bit more about the little-known but recently-revived sleeper assassin with the ironic name: Carlos Alba.
Alex Salmond will be laid to rest in the green turf of Aberdeenshire today in a quiet and dignified private ceremony. (A public celebration of his life will take place next month.)
Most of Scotland’s press and commentariat beclowned itself shamefully after his death just as it did during his life, but below is a (regrettably short) collection of those who did otherwise and who deserve to be noted honourably beside the man himself.
Redaction is a tricky business, and comes with numerous pitfalls even if you’re being careful, which not everyone is. If you’re involved in creating a document you know will have to be redacted, there are a variety of safeguarding approaches you can adopt.
When I worked on a videogames magazine called Amiga Power in the 1990s, we ran a fun comedy feature about censorship. But because the company that published the magazine had had some unfortunate mishaps in the field, we took extra care by typing all the “offensive” words as random-length strings of Xs when we wrote the article.
And it was lucky that we did, because as you can see in the feature’s strapline, the art department misaligned the red redaction bar on some of them, and if there’d been a sweary in there it would have been easily identified.
Wherever you find giants, you also find parasites, bottom-feeders and carrion. When a mighty lion dies in the jungle, tiny creeping crawling maggots and insects and bacteria feast gleefully on its corpse for many days.
Which naturally brings us to the Scottish media.
The above paragraphs of cowardly innuendo and baseless speculative smearing were penned by Severin Carrell and Libby Brooks in the Guardian on Monday. (They’re not from the ironically-headed “Appreciation” that the same two hacks wrote for Sunday’s Observer, in which they audaciously claimed that Salmond’s success was down to Nicola Sturgeon).
They sneakily imply that Salmond was guilty not only of the sexual assaults of which he was cleared in court, but also of an unspecified number of unnamed others, and make assertions of “disturbing evidence about his personal conduct” without specifying what that evidence or conduct might have been.
Northcode on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “I think we’re talking about two different things. Submitting documents, speaking at side-events, or having NGOs raise issues at the…” Sep 22, 16:10
Aidan on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Scotland has not been “recognised” in any meaningful way. Documents have been sent in, but the UN receives a whole…” Sep 22, 15:58
sam on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Scotland has been recognised within the UN framework regarding her claim as NSGT. Documents have been submitted to the UN,…” Sep 22, 15:35
Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Short presentation by SARA SALYERS 6 days ago, on behalf of SALVO / LIBERATION SCOTLAND. www.youtube.com/watch?v=piEfPOlpI9k” Sep 22, 14:54
Spartan 117 on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Obviously nothing better to do. Likely retired or unemployed.” Sep 22, 14:38
Spartan 117 on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “You’ll need to ask Stu to release my post from the mod queue then, because I ain’t typing it all…” Sep 22, 14:35
Northcode on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “I agree with you — Scotland is not regarded as a Non-Self-Governing Territory. That’s precisely the point I’m making. Because…” Sep 22, 14:30
sam on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Hard to know but I’ll play the game. Gordon Brown. His “light touch” regulation of financial services helped to promote…” Sep 22, 14:22
Northcode on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Timor-Leste doesn’t refute the point I’m making, because its situation was fundamentally different. East Timor was already on the UN’s…” Sep 22, 14:21
Northcode on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “My point isn’t about how Article 73(e) is worded in isolation, but how it functions in UN practice. The clause…” Sep 22, 14:09
Alf Baird on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “On 20 May 2002, the Constitution of the Democratic Republic of Timor-Leste came into force and Timor-Leste was recognised as…” Sep 22, 14:05
sam on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Northcode, “Declaration Regarding Non-Self-Governing Territories” “Article 73 Members of the United Nations which have or assume responsibilities for the administration…” Sep 22, 14:01
Alf Baird on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Your subjective viewpoint does not reflect the Article you refer to, which merely states the need for the administering Power:…” Sep 22, 13:38
Hatey McHateface on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “You mind me of somebody who used to be a regular on here. He had to stop suddenly – trouble…” Sep 22, 13:06
Hatey Mchateface on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “A likely story, Spartan 🙂 Why not mention an article by name, date and location. If it’s still online it…” Sep 22, 12:57
DaveL on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Almost twenty five percent of eighty posts from Hatey. What a gobby up himself know nothing obnoxious cunt he is!…” Sep 22, 12:46
Hatey McHateface on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Aw, shoot, Northy! Why de ye hae tae rain oan fowk’s parade lik that?” Sep 22, 12:26
Spartan 117 on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “@Hatey, I have just posted a list of 11 articles from a single MSM outlet alone over a 7 day…” Sep 22, 12:24
Hatey McHateface on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Surely you’re missing The Lobotomy? Or is that more efficiently administered through something added to Scottish Water?” Sep 22, 12:22
Hatey McHateface on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: ““She is going down and her handler protectors will have no hesitation in sacrificing her” Interesting how Sturgeon’s demise will…” Sep 22, 12:19
Northcode on A Thousand Islands In The Sea: ““Perhaps you missed it, Northcode” No, I didn’t miss Article 5 — it’s actually a good example of the distinction…” Sep 22, 12:12
Rob on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Don’t tempt the loonies, they will try and find an address to post the application to. 🙂” Sep 22, 12:08
Northcode on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “To clarify my point: Whether Salvo/Liberation Scotland has UN-experienced people involved isn’t really the issue here. The question isn’t about…” Sep 22, 11:55
Willie on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “When does Anas Sarwar take up his seat in the House of Lords. Sturgeon, Sarwar, Mone, Davidson, will be a…” Sep 22, 11:42
Alf Baird on A Thousand Islands In The Sea: “Perhaps you missed it, Northcode: “– that immediate steps shall be taken, in United Nations Trust and Non-Self-Governing Territories or…” Sep 22, 11:38
Aidan on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “Are the Ru**ians match funding any contribution?” Sep 22, 11:37
Mark Beggan on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “If that fails then you can apply to the United Federation of Planets. The Klingons are in the chair this…” Sep 22, 11:19
sarah on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “@ Northcode: I hope that you are mistaken. Salvo/Liberation have UN-experienced people in their committee. Perhaps you could contact Salvo…” Sep 22, 11:19
Northcode on His Majesty’s Loyal Sabre: “The mission statement on Liberation Scotland’s crowdfunder page — “Liberation Scotland’s mission is to restore the sovereign, independent state of…” Sep 22, 10:59