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Wings Over Scotland

Keep watching the skies

Posted on April 16, 2014 by

Remember, readers, how last year “Better Together” tried to ridicule the fact that we’d put a satirical line about “space monsters” into one of the questions in our first Panelbase poll? Remember how it was the most absurd, stupid thing imaginable?


That was the UK Secretary of State for Defence, yesterday.

Just a few days ago, an elaborate April Fool from the Guardian turned out to be merely echoing something a Labour MP had said for real a few weeks earlier. Alex Salmond’s speech to the SNP conference mocked recent comments by George Robertson by referring to “Darth Vader, Ming the Merciless, the Klingons and the Daleks”. But we must admit, we thought the “space monsters” thing was a step too far for even the beleaguered No campaign to try for real.

The entire independence debate sometimes seems to have been conceived as some sort of a drunken dare that got out of hand, or a “Trading Places”-style prop bet, in the form of a concerted attack on the idea of Poe’s Law.

If that’s the case, “Better Together” now only has one place left to go. We expect Blair McDougall to appear on Scotland Tonight actually playing a tuba any day now.

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191 to “Keep watching the skies”

  1. Seasick Dave says:

    Don’t forget, sheeple, only a No vote can keep you safe from harm.

  2. Oldmanmackie says:

    I’m in the middle of making my tin foil hat. It’s the only possible shield against the invaders.

  3. Iain Lawson says:

    Have the Klingons got a view on Independence yet? I think we should be told…and we probably will any day now?

  4. ben says:

    I assume this is spoof news. I can’t be sure nowadays however. Maybe this was said for real.

    Is there a source.

  5. Lewy Tee Bee says:

    Has the British government just inadverently let something slip?!

  6. Calgacus says:

    Oh God no please I can’t take anymore:-)

  7. Annibale says:

    “E.T. …. phone home…” But look out for those roaming charges, wee guy!

  8. Training Day says:

    Hammond is referring to the beings from the newly discovered planet in orbit around Deneb. They were contemplating an invasion based on picking up a signal from BBC Scotland extolling the virtues of the paradise that is the UK. But it’s oil they were interested in, and that will run out in 5 minutes, so a trip with hostile intent across interstallar space has been cancelled – and it’s all thanks to Better Together!

  9. iheartscotland says:

    Umm,sorry to ask, but this isn’t real is it Stu?

  10. Doug Daniel says:

    These people are becoming so detached from reality that they’re losing the ability to discern what is and isn’t reasonable.

    I think some people will genuinely have nervous breakdowns after the Yes vote. It seems the union is such a core part of their identity that independence is going to be like finding out that your parents weren’t your real parents, or that your recently-deceased spouse had actually been living a double life and has a whole family you had no idea about.

    (Or your football club ceasing to exist…)

  11. panda paws says:

    Now let’s be fair, Hammond doesn’t actually mention space monsters. The threats from space could easily be asteroids which would destroy an independent Scotland removed from the umbrella protection of Westminster 🙂

  12. Mary Bruce says:

    So can Mr Hammond explain to us how we are currently safe from attack from space the now, whilst we remain in the union? What weapons do we have? Do we have lots of nifty wee spacecraft? Are we in the inter-galactic space alliance? Why do we only get opinions from The First Sea Lord and not the First Space Lord? Are we not entitled to a share of the space battle hardware after independence so that we might continue to protect ourselves?

  13. Calgacus MacAndrews says:

    @Doug Daniel

    Or finding out that Santa is really a “foreigner”.

  14. Rev. Stuart Campbell says:

    “Umm,sorry to ask, but this isn’t real is it Stu?”

    It’s entirely real. It’s from today’s Daily Mail, and is also featured heavily in The Sun.

  15. Scott Minto (Aka Sneekyboy) says:

    The clipping is from the Daily Mail and references a speech made by the Defence Secretary.

  16. Cath says:

    It’s like, in the absence of any real case, and not sure where to go next, they’re trawling the pages of BBC Scotlandshire to find things that might work.

  17. Calgacus MacAndrews says:

    The Farce is Out There …

  18. Andrew Morton says:

    @The Famous Doug Daniel 12:23 pm

    As a Hearts supporter, I’m glad to have discovered this morning that my football team still exists!

  19. Cath says:

    “the First Space Lord?”

    Lord George Robertson has already spoken.

  20. Ladies and Gentlemen, last year I said that the space invaders question came back an bit us on the arse, today I apologise.

  21. andrew>reid says:

    Maybe Philip Hammond has been listening to the Better Together anthem ‘Major Tom’ by cheerleader David Bowie, or maybe he’s heard of blue skies thinking and thought he’d try it, but most likely he’s just on another planet –

    but a bit of space oddity best advice for the crew of the starship better together, and their Space Commander Hammond – as ground control says to Major Tom, “take your protein pills and put your helmet on” – it’s going to be a bumpy ride for you all between now and September. At least, they do sound like they are aware of the other information from ground control, ” your circuits dead, there’s something wrong” ……..

  22. hetty says:

    Sounds like a threat to me. Drones seem all the rage these days. And Independence is not an election so the SNP will not win anything, the people of Scotland will win and be rid of the rabble in wasteminster once and for all.

  23. scottish_skier says:

    Dinnae fash yersel folks.

    I’ve been working on something on the quiet down here in the border woodlands. Should be fully functional by September.

  24. MajorBloodnok says:

    Maybe the sky above Scotland will fall down because when we go it alone we won’t be able to afford British sky-hooks to keep it all up there (or indeed those special Better Together suckers we need to stop us sliding of the back of the cosmic turtle that’s swimming through the universe).

  25. Robert Kerr says:

    The choice is stark.

    We stay assimilated in the Borg Collective aka Better Together/UKOK or are assimilated into the National Collective.

    I know what I prefer

  26. ronald alexander mcdonald says:

    Maybe someone told Cameron that the majority of Scots are brain dead and they’ll believe any old pish!

  27. MajorBloodnok says:


    Is that something to do with Ewoks for YES?

  28. Scott Minto (Aka Sneekyboy) says:

    Now he’s either saying that we’re going to be invaded by space in which case we’d be worse off independent.

    1) Where is the UK Defence case study on alien invasion? I’d really like to see it…

    Or he is saying that other nations have space based weapons – could only be USA, India, China, Russia, UK and France.

    2) Where is the UK Defence case study for defence against non-confirmed non-defined unquantifiable space based weapons systems? I’d really like to see that too…

    Or he’s saying that Scotland will be at risk from Asteroid or Meteor collission.

    3) In which case the UK must have some sort of secret asteroid and meteor defence system to protect us from collission. Which I’d also like to see…

    Or its solar flares we’re being protected from by membership of the UK

    4) Do the UK have a giant shield to protect the planet Star Trek style from solar flares? I’d very mush like to see that as well…

    OR he’s just talking bollocks…

    And no, I dont want to see those!

  29. Derick fae Yell says:

    Well that made my day!

    These people are insane. Is there something in the tea at Westminster?

  30. iheartscotland says:

    Sorry Stu, I thought you were winding us up.

  31. Scott Minto (Aka Sneekyboy) says:

    “invaded by space monsters”

  32. MajorBloodnok says:

    @Derick fae Yell

    No tea, just vintage champagne and larks’ tongues on expensive water biscuits.

  33. misteralz says:

    Cath, maybe that genuinely is their newest plan? Come across as so completely mental it’s impossible to satirise them?

  34. Findlay Farquaharson says:

    ha, proof to everyone who stopped being seen with me after i was abducted and probed by aliens. ha, lets see them laugh and roll about the floor now.

  35. rab_the_doubter says:

    RE my comment on a previous thread about predicting the next Better Together Scare story, don’t bother trying, its impossible unless you have years of experience as a successful published fiction writer.

  36. MochaChoca says:

    He is clearly referring to a dangerous hole in the CO2 layer centred on Scotland due to our obsession with zero carbon forms of generation.

    On the upside solar power will become alot more viable.

  37. Jimsie says:

    Dr Strangelove has returned in the shape of this Hammond geezer. Hardly original though as Ronald Reagan came out with similar Star Wars stuff. Lord Naw Naw Robertson has also became a member of the right wing nutters club.

  38. Harry Shanks says:

    Breaking News:

    UK Secretary of State for Space, Philip Hammond warns rebellious Scots “Watch Uranus”

  39. Mary Bruce says:

    Cath says:“the First Space Lord?” Lord George Robertson has already spoken.

    Oh. Sorry, I thought he was the Waste of Space Lord.

  40. Calgacus MacAndrews says:


    EWOK = England & Wales OK

    I’ve never trusted little furry “wee things” …

  41. Seasick Dave says:

    Just remember too, the Space Defence Ships will only be built on the Clyde after a No vote.

  42. kendomacaroonbar says:

    Crivvens, jings, help ma boab, now they’ll be telling us that it will raining from the high heavens due to all them MacLeods in Scotland.

  43. Dougie Bee says:

    There might be a hint of truth in this, the last couple of nights the ISS passed over the South of Scotland, last night an hour after the ISS pass two Satellites were clearly visible over Stranraer (Iridium 63 and 14 ) so maybe Mr Hammond wasn’t on the funny soup after all…xxx

  44. Stu Harps says:

    Seriously, is there a weblink to this?

  45. wee_monsieur says:

    Mary @ 12:25 Do we have lots of nifty wee spacecraft?

    But of course. Clearly paid for by funding for ‘Imperial Services’ (ie, forces of the Empire!) as mentioned here

  46. heraldnomore says:

    It’s government Stu, but not as you know it.

    Do you think they’ll come armed with….. stickers?

    They might be wee things, wee things with mash potatoes or or or…

  47. Dougie Bee says:

    Harry Shanks..Its not Uranus I’m worried about…Its Mars…xxx

  48. Colin Mccartney says:

    I have a very simple system when unionist throw these outrageous scare stories at me – I simply ask them to explain how the union currently protects me from them now.
    This is usually followed by a deafening silence or a childlike “just cos it does”

    How – Mr Hammond – do you protect me from “space and cyberspace” (Im be charitable to him here) now, that I couldn’t do in the future?
    How – Mr Robertson (F*** the Lord bit ) do you protect me from the forces of darkness?

    try it – it works a treat. It gives them a chance to be positive and as we all know, they aren’t very good at that.

  49. KeithB says:

    What have we done to upset everyone else in the world and now those sentient races of other distant planets???

    Will these space aliens not have to get in line behind Russia, Iran, North Korea and other terestial “enemies” we were warned about last week?

    If someone could give me a copy of the schedule I’d like to know who I have to kow-tow to and at what times, thanks.

  50. Calgacus MacAndrews says:

    This must be a reference to the REAL West Lothian Question.

    The Bonnybridge one.

  51. Furureproof says:

    I’d imagine most people would welcome extraterrestrials to Scotland. We aren’t so worried about immigration here.

  52. James123 says:

    Not only will Scottish independence destabilise the whole world it will destabilise the entire galaxy, FU Alex Salmond.

  53. Jim Mitchell says:

    Typical, whilst we would welcome visitors from throughout the galaxy and beyond the British government wants to put up barriers.

    Just think of the tourism potential!

  54. Seasick Dave says:

    I see that Alistair Darling has been busy again…

  55. Calgacus MacAndrews says:

    Or maybe it’s a case of Alicsammin says “Beam me up Scotland”.

  56. Cath says:

    “4) Do the UK have a giant shield to protect the planet Star Trek style from solar flares? I’d very mush like to see that as well…

    The entire planet has such a shield, thankfully, otherwise we’d all be fried.

    However a separate Scotland may have to re-apply to be protected by that magnetic field. Salmond cannot guarantee that the cataclysmic events surrounding a Yes vote will not mean that the magnetic field just takes the hump totally and stops protecting Scotland, meaning we get battered by space winds and fried by the first solar flare post independence.

  57. Helena Brown says:

    @ Jim Mitchell, I am with you, as long as they are not like the alien in Alien. We are an educated people and a friendly one we will welcome information and love to give hospitality.
    On the other hand I take it the Better Together Crown/Westminster/add what ever, have not been watching Cosmos on Sunday night, they really need to.

  58. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Talking of Space Monsters, Lord Naw Naw Roberston of everying against Scotland say

    He is being shouted down by people who call him scum!

  59. Graeme Purves says:

    Should we include a tuba player in the team which negotiates independence?

    It’s important that we resolve that question now.

  60. cynicalHighlander says:

    They are maybe hoping that we all die laughing before the vote on the 18th.

  61. HandandShrimp says:

    There is also the increased danger of shark attack which I feel the Defence Minister should have also pointed out.

    Global Warming (which Owen Paterson says is entirely due to Eric Pickles’ love of brussel sprouts and definitely not fracked gas) will see an increase in sea temperatures and visitations by great white sharks. Scotland due to its independent state will be more prone to such attacks especially as sharks are attracted by the smell of haggis suppers which is all impoverished Scots will have to eat.

  62. Murray McCallum says:

    If we get a cyber attack on our independent Scottish satellites that we haven’t built or launched yet, will this mean we get accurate weather forecasts for NW Scotland?

    We need answers!

  63. Calgacus MacAndrews says:

    ET says #goforitscotland

  64. Elizabeth says:

    I always feel Hammond hates coming up here and can’t wait to get back to ‘civilisation’. For him, Scotland is an alien place , one where he can be accosted by a cheeky laddie In a factory with the gall to say he thinks his language is a veiled threat.

    O/T : Here’s a nice down to earth essay from Louise Batchelor (formerly of BBC Scotland) titled “Coming Out For Scottish Independence”.

  65. mato21 says:

    I’m so pleased the details are classified it will save us having to worry about them

  66. Ravelin says:

    Personally come Sept 19th I’ll be rolling out the red carpet to welcome our new alien overlords. If we’re all going to be ‘foreigners’ then we might at well go the whole hog and become ‘aliens’.

  67. Helpmaboab says:

    The First Space Lord?

    Don’t give them ideas! The establishment of HM Starfleet Command would provide great career opportunities for old Etonians and Harrovians as space-admirals.

    The absence of spacecraft wouldn’t matter. The Royal Navy proves that it’s acceptable for admirals to outnumber the ships in their fleet.

  68. caz-m says:

    Am no takin any chances, am huvvin another look at ma “Duck And Cover” video.

    Huv a look my friends, it might be the last video you ever watch.

  69. Grouse Beater says:

    What is Hammond talking about?

    I saw the War of the Worlds movie and the “things” arose out of the very earth!

  70. Rev. Stuart Campbell says:

    “Seriously, is there a weblink to this?”

    You can find it through PressDisplay.

  71. cynicalHighlander says:


    Here is the archive link to that good article.

  72. Gillie says:

    Better Together – Lost in Space

  73. Macart says:

    Westminster soundbites – Hu’tegh petaQ!

    My Klingon is a bit rusty you understand. 🙂

  74. Gillie says:

    I hear that Blair McDougall is planning to leave Scotland for good if there is a Yes victory.

    Will he be travelling Uranus?

  75. john king says:

    Set phasers to severe malky.

  76. john king says:

    ye’ve never seen the intergalalctic starship launchpad at Auchtertool then?

  77. Roboscot says:

    Presumably if we don’t get Dr. Who after independence we won’t be protected from the Daleks.

  78. Giving Goose says:

    Re Gillie says

    He’ll probably disappear up his own….

  79. Votadini Jeannie says:

    Sounds like the First Space Lord got a grade A space cadet to make his announcement for him.

  80. Calgacus MacAndrews says:

    It’s too late.

    The invasion has already begun in Toryglen :

  81. Craig P says:

    To be fair to Hammond, he isn’t talking about space monsters, he’s talking about China blowing up Scottish satellites.

    It would be a shame to ruin it by asking ‘what Scottish satellites?’

    Also, I laugh at Hammond’s cyber attacks, does he not know we are the feared cybernat army? 😉

  82. Holebender says:

    You don’t get it do you? After indy we won’t be allowed access to Dr. Who. No Doctor mean no protection from whatever Dark Forces comes at us from space. Seemples.

    And you thought the case for the union was incoherent. They have it all thought out, you know.

  83. Breeks says:

    It’s the space between his ears that I feel threatened by.

  84. heedtracker says:

    Alien abducrion is no laughing matter. Also Einsten’s theory of relativity about time plus current events state that Hammond and your everyday Westminster ligger/Lord think that this is actually the year 1914, you can legally your thrash your manservant, lech/molest them too and a thousand unelected drunken lords for life on massive expenses aka drunkard Lord Foulkes, is all completely fine. I’ve still not heard back from BetterTogetherBBC concerning my ongoing campaign to make Baron Foulkes the next Dr Who.

  85. kendomacaroonbar says:

    Whaur’s Dalek Sammin when yae need him ?

  86. call me dave says:

    Andrew Morton

    Me too! Good news.

    As for Hammond’s reference to ‘threats from space’ surely it must refer to more of his Westminster pals being parachuted in from London on a day trip.

    BBC main news showed a piece from the Orkneys and Shetlands implying a move towards greater autonomy. We will get a re-run in a few minutes from Pacific Quay.

    Is there a scare story today or are we to be spared for a day?

  87. X_Sticks says:

    More from Lost in Space: reply to my complaint about the “Defence” animation:
    Thanks for contacting us.

    Your comments were passed to the Editor of the Referendum Unit, who has asked that I forward his response as follows:

    “Thank you for your correspondence regarding our defence animation first broadcast during Sunday Politics Scotland on 13th April 2014 and then made available online. It is really important to us that we receive audience feedback and please be assured that your points are being given proper consideration. We take very seriously any complaints, particularly those of bias.

    The Scottish referendum presents serious challenges to the BBC and one of them is to appeal to as wide a section of the population as possible. Part of our responsibility as a public service broadcaster is to ensure our audience is well-informed. The purpose of our animations – this was our second – is to engage casual observers or those yet to focus on the campaign, particularly – but not exclusively –younger voters. Through online links associated with the animation, we then aim to encourage people to read more detailed information.

    Our animations are meant to be lighter and because they are shorter than traditional features, they do condense the arguments. To those already well-versed in the debate, they can look a little glib but audience feedback on our first animation suggests it was well-received. Voters said they liked an easy point of access to often complex subject matters. Incidentally, for those who want more detailed coverage and analysis of the key issues behind the headlines, there is a wealth of material available on our Scotland’s Future pages:

    You suggest the animation is biased against Scottish independence and/or the Yes Scotland campaign. We are, of course, absolutely committed to impartiality and – while I suspect you will not agree – I sincerely believe this animation to be impartial. There are several issues discussed in the three-minute film: nuclear weapons, forces, NATO, defence jobs and what happens in the event of a No vote. We have represented both sides of the argument in each of them, and they are properly, if sometimes humorously, covered.

    I would like to reassure you that we will reflect on your complaint when we produce our next animation. We do need to take particular care where a lighter approach meets a complicated subject, and we will very much bear that in mind.

    We are always keen to hear feedback, both positive and negative, so many thanks for taking the time to contact us.”

    Details of the BBC complaints process are available online at

    Thanks again for taking the time to contact us with your views.

    Kind Regards

    Tony Rogers

    BBC Complaints
    NB This is sent from an outgoing account only which is not monitored. You cannot reply to this email address but if necessary please contact us via our webform quoting any case number we provided.

  88. Steve B says:

    Maybe he was alluding to Ed Milliband descending upon us?

  89. annie says:

    O/T just saw Ian Murray at Tynecastle on BBC Scotland, he wasn’t even wearing a hoody and if his bodyguards were there, they were off camera. Wonder if he has painted his doors yet.

  90. Steve B says:

    O/T – But I put in a complaint to the BBC about their interview with the admiral yesterday morning, and was surprised to get a reply fairly quickly.

    It said nothing new, but restated that it was overall balance rather than balance on particular items is what they strive for. I’m still waiting to see the counterbalancing item though. For reference here is it is:

    Thanks for contacting us regarding BBC One’s ‘Breakfast’, which was broadcast on 9 April.

    We understand you felt an interview with a Royal Navy Admiral was biased against Scottish Independence.

    It’s not always possible or practical to reflect all the different opinions on a subject within individual programmes. Editors are charged to ensure that over a reasonable period they reflect the range of significant views, opinions and trends in their subject area. The BBC doesn’t seek to denigrate any view, nor to promote any view. It seeks rather to identify all significant views, and to test them rigorously and fairly on behalf of the audience. Among other evidence, audience research indicates widespread confidence in the impartiality of the BBC’s reporting.

    Nevertheless, we appreciate your feedback and therefore, we’d like to assure you that your complaint has been registered on our daily audience log. This is an internal document of audience feedback which is made available to all BBC staff, including our news teams and senior management.

    The audience logs are seen as important documents within the BBC and may be used to shape future programming and content.

    Thanks again for taking the time to contact us with your concerns.

  91. call me dave says:

    Lamont speaks on currency. phizog warning!!

  92. mogabee says:

    Think rationally folks. If asked, many around the world don’t know where Scotland is…

    So how on earth can aliens hope to find then attack us?

    FFS get your thinking caps on! 😉

  93. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    The Unionists are irrational, or at least their arguments are.

    So, why is it son.

    The irrationality of a thing is no argument against its existence, rather a condition of it.

    Friedrich Nietzsche

  94. theycan'tbeserious says:

    Another “ALIEN ACT” me thinks…..

  95. Pat says:

    That book he was carrying it didn’t say “To Serve Scots” it said “How To Serve Scots” it’s a cook book !
    Twilight zone humour 😉

  96. Grouse Beater says:

    All this crapology about threats from the solar system or from plagues of locusts is a complete waste of time.

    HM London government will soon have plenty of alarmist material in the Ukraine turmoil to appeal to Scotland to close ranks and be good English- sorry, British patriots.

  97. HenBroon says:

    Scotland has of course had it’s own Starfleet for years watch this little known fleet in action. “Set phasers tae malky noo.”

  98. Murray McCallum says:

    You have to have some kind of admiration for Phil “the power” Hammond managing not to burst out laughing while reading this crap.

    It’s probably why he scurried off without answering any questions to STV – to laugh his head off in his MoD padded cell.

  99. Fiona says:

    @ call me dave

    Thanks for that. I have been asking for a long time for the three main parties to state what their plan A is for currency in Scotland after a yes vote. It seems that we now have an answer from the labour party and it we do it is one I agree with.

    Trouble is it is Ms Lamont who is saying it and so I am not confident that someone else within the party will not be along in a minute to say something completely different

    If that is truly the position of Labour after a yes vote we are making progress and it seems to confirm that they now accept a yes vote is likely, as well

  100. heedtracker says:

    We are, of course, absolutely committed to impartiality and – while I suspect you will not agree – I sincerely believe this animation to be impartial.

    Thanks for posting this. It has to be one of the most historic lies ever told by bettertogetherBBC chancers, this afternoon.

    BBC in Scotland “absolutely committed to impartiality.” Wow, just WOW!

  101. Papadox says:

    All the proud NO Scots who have been told and believed all their lives “Scottish people are wonderful”. “you are so poor, stupid and wee”. So long as you do as the big clever English tell you then we’ ll look after you and give you pocket money so you don’t starve. “Because you really are gullible and thick”. Don’t forget now!

  102. Greannach says:

    No Better Together UKOK reminds me of the dying days of ‘Dynasty’ when Fallon was abducted by an alien spaceship. I would point out to Mr Hammond that quite a number of his like-minded fellow travellers, such as John Redmond, look like they were abducted by aliens years. On closer inspection there’s something a bit unearthly about the Hammond Horror himself. Can we be sure he’s really from this planet?

  103. Oneironaut says:

    Just got home and read this.

    Cheered me up nicely after reading the previous article, though part of me can’t help thinking that the idea of Scotland being attacked by aliens sounds much more plausible than the idea of someone with the IQ required to walk and talk at the same time actually believing that a No vote is a good idea!

    Ah well, I’m sure it’ll help regenerate the old Glasgow shipyards and create new jobs if we have to re-train workers to start building orbital defence craft.

    It’s all good really 🙂

  104. heedtracker says:

    You have to wonder if there’s not trades description laws that come under/apply to BBC in Scotland stating publicly they’re “absolutely committed to impartiality” when they are determined UKOK propagandists and they even told someone making an earlier bias BBC complaint that yes they were vote NO biased and that they could be biased because the actual campaign has not started yet.

    That BBC letter is out there googling “bbc anti scottish independence bias letter newsnet scotland”

  105. Heather says:

    You know, it occurred to me today this morning after I read and digested yet another warning from Camp Rabid that it is clear that there must be some sort of genius at work:

    We can’t join the EU
    We’ll get kicked out of the EU

    The SNP government will favour the rich and hammer the poor
    The SNP government will be a party of tax and spend

    The banks will desert us
    The banks will stay and exploit us our weak, newly formed legislation.

    The Scots will be able to raise taxes in Devo Nano
    The Scots won’t be able to raise any taxes in Devo Nano.

    The Scots are subsidy junkies, the Scots are useless.
    The Scots will be capable of bringing down the entire Western civilisation, plunge the Third World into even more poverty, space aliens will attack.

    I for one am pretty confused. We’re so useless and can’t get out of bed in the morning for fear of hurting ourselves and yet we are capable of bringing about the destruction and/or ruination of the entire planet, meaning we’re pretty omnipotent.

    I sat trying to figure out how it is possible to hold both positions at once, and then it hit me. Schrödinger’s Scotland! We, and the No camp, can occupy both positions at the same time. Until that ballot box is opened on 19th September, we are both and we are neither. The No campaign are carrying out their own thought experiment on us to determine where quantum superposition ends and reality determines one possibility or the other. So rather than being the complete dunderheids we have written them off as, they are in fact, utter geniuses! How else can you explain the campaign so far?

  106. Oneironaut says:

    Maybe the new currency will be Standard Galactic Credits.
    (Set at the same rate as Sterling of course!) 😀

  107. CameronB says:

    I haven’t read the comments yet and I do hate to be out of step. 😉

    Might this not be a recognition of the militaridation of space?

    While as far as anyone knows there are currently no weapons deployed in space, the United States has invested in developing potential technologies, and both China and the United States have demonstrated anti-satellite capabilities in 2007 and 2008, respectively. In response to the potential threats of space weaponization, as well as perceived ballistic missile threats, the US is also developing a ballistic missile defense shield. While missile defense is presented as a defense of American and allied territories against a limited missile attack, it is in reality one more step towards full spectrum dominance.

  108. Nigel Burkin says:

    Is it possible that Hammond watched ‘Independence Day’ on his Hotel room film channel the night before and has confused the issues?

  109. Arbroath 1320 says:

    I have a question here.

    Dies any one know if Photon torpedoes work in our atmosphere or do they only work in outer space? 😉

  110. Nigel Burkin says:

    I heard that BT has categorically stated that iScotland won’t get membership of the United Federation of Planets…

  111. Calgacus MacAndrews says:

    @Nigel Burkin says:
    Is it possible that Hammond watched ‘Independence Day’ on his Hotel room film channel the night before and has confused the issues?

    This was the happy ending in the movie version he watched:

  112. call me dave says:

    Is this the real union dividend?
    Why is it so and will we be able to change it.

    Extract: Sorry can’t Archive from Herald any more

    As Glaswegians prepare to welcome some of the world’s most elite athletes to their city, the state of local people’s health has once again been thrust into the spotlight after a new report revealed that the life expectancy of locals is lagging behind the rest of the UK.

    With just weeks to go until the Commonwealth Games begin, a new report from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) has revealed that only three-quarters of boys and 85% of girls born in the city will reach their 65th birthday.

    The average life expectancy of babies born in the city in 2010 to 2012 was 72.6 years for boys and 78.5 years for girls – eight to 10 years behind the best performing areas in the UK.

    Boys born in East Dorset, the best performing area for males, can expect to live until they reach 83 and baby girls born in Purbeck can expect to reach 86.6 years.

  113. Helpmaboab says:

    Heather at 2.20,

    re. “Schrödinger’s Scotland”. I would argue that the No camp ARE dunderheids rather than geniuses. They’re not playing a clever psychological game with their fork-tonged scare stories: It’s just that they’ve lied so much and so often now that it was inevitable the lies would start to contradict each other. Oh what a tangled web we weave etc.

    Also I doubt Blair MacDougall is bright enough to understand the theory of quantum superposition. He hasn’t even mastered the tuba yet…

  114. Ananurhing says:

    I think Hammond is alluding to the fact that we’ll be denied the services Doctor Who after indy.

  115. ronald alexander mcdonald says:

    Better Together? More like Mental Together.

    I was waiting for Hammond to say, I know what I’m talking about.I was abducted by aliens and they fucked with my brain.

  116. rabb says:

    The only threat to Scotland from space is the space between the tories ears.

  117. Mosstrooper says:

    When can we expect all the first born to die. Is it after or before the plague of flies?

    Being the first born I have an interest in this.

  118. Alba4Eva says:

    The Tory’s are just doing what comes naturally in appealing to just 4% of the Scottish Electorate re Space Monsters…

  119. Gillie says:

    Johann Lamont has already rejected the idea of Scotland having its own currency if independent.

    Here is what she had to say in February;

    The alternatives (to a currency) would be bad for Scotland, so they pretend they won’t happen.

    So let’s have a look at them now rather than after a Yes vote. We could keep the pound without a currency union, a bit like Panama with the dollar. Or we could create our own currency.

    But both options would leave us with no track record and no central bank to back up our debts, scaring off investors, business and the markets and putting borrowing costs through the roof.

    The most likely option would be the euro, meaning key decisions taken in Frankfurt and Brussels rather than London – and we know what that did for the Greeks. So much for self-rule.

  120. Gillie says:

    Johann Lamont has already rejected the idea of Scotland having its own currency if independent.

    Here is what she had to say in February;

    “The alternatives (to a currency union) would be bad for Scotland, so they pretend they won’t happen.

    So let’s have a look at them now rather than after a Yes vote. We could keep the pound without a currency union, a bit like Panama with the dollar. Or we could create our own currency.

    But both options would leave us with no track record and no central bank to back up our debts, scaring off investors, business and the markets and putting borrowing costs through the roof.

    The most likely option would be the euro, meaning key decisions taken in Frankfurt and Brussels rather than London – and we know what that did for the Greeks. So much for self-rule.

  121. Heather says:


    This was my Occam’s Razor because the ideas being posited by them are so completely bonkers, this is in fact the simpler more rational explanation!

    On second thoughts…I’m pretty certain none of them could spell quantum superimposition let alone master the fundamentals behind it. Although I’m sure Ian Ewing studied with Erwin, Max and the gang. I need to go check his CV.

  122. heedtracker says:

    Aliens are scary but are they though, like what happens when they make first contact into one those giant white dishes outside betterTogetherBBC Pacific Quay office with secret plans for a space ship but Scotland is too poor too wee too stupid to build one and all we can do is stick Blair McDougall in a balloon and drop him off that big old crane into the Clyde and then he comes back 8 hours later with secret footage that only the CIA can see and then oor Blair sez “They should have sent a poet but even alien civilisations far in advanced of our own(not fucking Norway) say vote no Scotland, we’re safer securer happier in the union etc”

    roll credits.

  123. Heather says:

    Sorry, Ian Murray* not Ian Ewing.

  124. Findlay Farquaharson says:

    “Dies any one know if Photon torpedoes work in our atmosphere or do they only work in outer space?”

    answer – only if we remain in the union.

  125. Alba4Eva says:

    Ah.. now I see why Phillip Hammond is panicking…

  126. Claire McNab says:

    It’s all very well to mock Mr Hammond, but look at what has happened to countries which aren’t protected against threats from outer space.

    Ireland and Switzerland are not members of NATO. They possess no space-protection defences of their own.

    These poor countries, defenceless against the space monsters have, as you all know suffered terribly. So badly indeed that their GDP per capita now significantly exceeds that of the UK. Things are so grim that neither country has any foodbanks.

    Do you really want such a terrible fate to befall Scotland?

  127. Clootie says:

    My Flabber is Gasted!

  128. kendomacaroonbar says:

    It was a full moon yesterday was it not ? just saying like.

  129. Clootie says:

    …wait a minute,Blair McDougall could be an alien.
    …Alistair Darling…Johann Lamont…my God it’s true

  130. Andy-B says:

    This is the Borg, you will be assimilated, if you vote YES.

    Are there no limits to the ridiculous threats, posed by the Better Together camp. I’m surprised, that Westminster hasn’t threatened us with the secretive US HAARP programme,although I might add, the USA’s new destroyer is a frightening site, with its alleged Rail Gun.

  131. Heather says:


    It was a blood moon was it not? Explains why they’ve just notched up the insane to Level 11.

  132. Bugger (the Panda) says:


    The death of the first born is preceded by the plague of boils on yer bum.

    Just for info, like.

  133. Muscleguy says:


    It’s like, in the absence of any real case, and not sure where to go next, they’re trawling the pages of BBC Scotlandshire to find things that might work.

    In one of the videos of Holyrood select committees an aside was made that some people think the scare stories on BBC Scotlandshire are real.

    I didn’t realise at the time that those people were actually BT and the Westminster Establishment.

    I suppose it is possible that someone at GCHQ has failed to get the point, or thinks BBC Scotlandshire is the real BBC Scotland page. It would certainly explain a few things.

    But in the interests of not interrupting one’s enemy when he is making a mistake I shall leave it there.

  134. Robert Louis says:

    You know, just the other week, Mike Weir of the SNP laughingly mentioned the four horsemen of the apocalypse, during Prime Minister Questions, when referring to the hysterical nonsense by Labour’s uber talented George Robertson.

    Has Mike Weir just helped ‘Better together’ by giving them a new scare story to run??

    To make matters worse, today we had a ‘no voter’ telling the media, Scotland has no oil – despite it having 60% of the EU’s reserves of oil and gas, and now we have a warning about space monsters from the UK defense secretary.

    FFS. I mean seriously, what is going on at unionista BritNat central command – are they all drunk? Or are they just mad.

  135. Jim Mitchell says:

    Re my earlier post about unionists not seeing the tourist potential, there may be a problem, will we be permitted to join any inter-galactic federation if we are not part of the UK?

    It’s a dilemma right enough!

  136. Murray McCallum says:

    Gillie @3.05pm

    I can’t believe that you are proving beyond doubt that Scotland’s debater of the year Johann Lamont has flip-flopped her position on the Euro to our own currency in the space of a few weeks.

    She is my one constant in this sea of uncertainty and doom.

  137. Andy-B says:

    O/T Rev. I do apologise.

    Its not often you see CNBC comment on Scottish independence.

  138. Training Day says:

    Simon Pia and Adam Tomkins are appearing on Scotland Tonight this evening with news that Alex Salmond, who earlier intimated his intention to come round every house in Scotland to clean that really awkward bit under the rim of the toilet bowl if we vote Yes, in fact HAS NO INTENTION of following through on his pledge.

    The cataclysm which will follow is too dreadful to contemplate.

  139. kendomacaroonbar says:

    @Training Day

    Alexsammin’s cistern law will do it instead. 🙂

  140. kendomacaroonbar says:

    @ Andy B

    They have Alex down as “Scottish Deputy Minister”…groan

  141. HandandShrimp says:

    Andy B

    Curious article on CNBC, who was the TNS poll for? The poll itself seems to be a bit out of kilter – 30% undecided seems a lot to me although again the movement seems to be towards Yes.

    The first line of the article needs correcting to fix the name of the SNP (Nationalist Party once again – sigh!).

  142. Xander says:

    “No-one would have believed, in Year Yes 2014 of the 21st century, that Scottish affairs were being watched from the timeless worlds of space. No-one could have dreamed we were being scrutinized as someone with a microscope studies creatures that swarm and multiply in a drop of water.

    Few man even considered the possibility of life on other planets and yet across the gulf of space minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this Scotland with envious eyes and slowly and surely they drew their plans against us.”

    Thanks to @Yes18sept2014 for making me aware of this 🙂

  143. jingly jangly says:

    Is StarWars not about the fight for Freedom from the Empire?

    I think that makes the Jedi on our side, which is nice as I aways fancied one of those light sabre thingys.

  144. Jamie Arriere says:

    Welcome to British Unionism – the Twilight Zone of World politics!!

    (Hey! The new server remembered my login! I’m well impressed)

  145. bunter says:

    Anyone catch the state broadcaster 24 a few mins ago with Scotland’s GDP figures for the last quarter I think. Scotland’s increased 0.2% while UK was 0.7%. Presenter suggested that Scotland’s took a serious hit from the Grangemouth shutdown and doesn’t that go to show blah blah over reliant on one plant/industry blah blah and can Scotland afford to go it alone blah blah.

    First thing is that the UK’s numbers would, I suppose, include Scotland’s contribution and second, no mention of the performance of rUK once the giant suction machine is removed from the figures.

  146. MajorBloodnok says:

    Training Day says: Simon Pia and Adam Tomkins are appearing on Scotland Tonight this evening with news that Alex Salmond, who earlier intimated his intention to come round every house in Scotland to clean that really awkward bit under the rim of the toilet bowl if we vote Yes, in fact HAS NO INTENTION of following through on his pledge.

    In that case, he should forget the Pledge and use Toilet Duck instead, unless it’s just the shine on the mahogany toilet seat he’s after.

  147. Greannach says:

    ‘I’m as astonished as a space squirrel.’ (J. Lamont)

  148. bookie from hell says:

    space threat—“classified”


  149. Oneironaut says:

    @jingly jangly
    “I think that makes the Jedi on our side, which is nice as I aways fancied one of those light sabre thingys.”

    I want the purple one!!! 😀

  150. Fiona says:

    Have it, you shall

  151. kendomacaroonbar says:

    JEDi Squirrels 🙂 at’s the gemme !

  152. Richard Lucas says:

    Perhaps the aliens could be persuaded to zap the Red Road flats as part of the Commonwealth Games ceremonies?

  153. Calgacus MacAndrews says:

    The latest Panelbase Poll has 90% of Jedi going to vote YES to independence from The Empire.

  154. goldenayr says:

    Newsdrive doing BTs job of spreading fear and misinformation again.Stairheid Curran states that women aren’t just a demographic,they deserve to know what they’ll get in an independent Scotland.The interviewer ignored the obvious question..what are we getting from the status quo?

  155. call me dave says:


    Just heard that Curran thing with no response from the SG.

    Curran “Anything you can do we can do better! Anything you can do we can do too”! YES we can…er haud on..should that no have a NO in it Johann?

    Shocking really but that’s the present labour leadership for you.

  156. AlbaYes says:

    whats even stupider is mcbully has dragged ukip into it

    The Trouble for UKIP

    what a laff

  157. SquareHaggis says:

    Rid of stairgeid Curran?

    Sounds like a vote winner 🙂

  158. Coolheads Prevail says:

    “In space, no-one can hear you gibber nonsense…”

  159. Andy-B says:


    Gordon Brown’s new book is due out in a couple of weeks, its title, “My Scotland our Britain”

    I wonder if its a SCI-FI book? after listening to Gordon Brown’s attempts to keep Scots in the union,i wouldn’t be surprised if his new book was purely fictitious.

  160. Edward says:

    Bunter – That is correct the UK total GDP includes the GDP of Scotland so extract the Scottish GDP from the UK will give you the GDP for England, Wales and N. Ireland

  161. Soda says:

    Looks like i have been targeted by the infamous (and completely fictional) Mrs Joanne Piercy, mum of 3. I suspect one of 2 or 3 neighbours popped this thru my door at half 4 yesterday afternoon altho it was addressed to me by name. It’s slightly creepy really but anyway it is full of nonsense and lies about a number of things. It starts with-

    “Dear _______

    I’m a working mum, not a politician, but i’ve been talking to my friends and neighbours and with so much uncertainty about independence we all said we wanted more info before making up or minds on how to vote”

    Forgive me Mrs Fictional lady (cough, Blair McDougall, cough, cough) but make up your minds? I think if you werent fictional your minds would already be made up lol

    The letter goes on…

    “But the news that voting to leave the United Kingdom WILL mean Scotland WOULD lose the Pound has made my mind up. I’ll be voting NO in September because Scotland staying in the UK means more security for my family…”

    It then goes on to say that my mortgage would double, as well as car loans, credit card bills etc. All of which would of course mean i wouldnt be able to feed and clothe ma bairns, the world would end and i would burn for all eternity of nationalist hell!

    It ends…

    Yours Sincerely,

    Joanne Piercy.

    Anyone else had any of these letters? One thing did make my chuckle tho, attached was a questionnaire that you folded up stuck together and sent off – Free Of Charge – but in the box where you place the stamp it says “A STAMP IS NOT NEEDED BUT USING ONE WOULD SAVE US MONEY”….. Cheeky Bastards!

  162. Andy-B says:

    A very interesting read, regarding Westminster, and its legislative power across the globe, apart from Scotland, NI and Wales, Westminster has another 15 legislative protectorates, with more land in the southern hemisphere than in the northern hemisphere.

  163. kalmar says:

    “Space” used to be a coded reference to attack from ICBM. Which would be substantially LESS likely if we didn’t have a stock of ICBMs here.

  164. Ananurhing says:

    Is there a Jed Aye Facebook page?

    There should be. The Farce is most certainly with us.

  165. G. P. Walrus says:

    If we leave the UK we will not be protected under the Prime Directive of Non-Interference – mind you it was always more honoured in the breach anyway.

    Beam me up Proud Scotty!

  166. Maid_in_Scotland says:

    Ah’ can see it noo – September 18 – The Day The Earth Stood Still – waitin’ and watchin’ tae see whit’ll happen. Fur ‘Klaatu’ read Alicsammin, emergin’ frae his flyin’ saucer wi a message so momentous – it must be revealed to all the world’s leaders simultaneously (I got that bit from wikipedia). Ah’ cannae wait.

    Meanwhile, rUK, heading towards a big black hole (the deficit) doesn’t notice as it’s too busy trying to reverse engines and avoid the event horizon beyond which it will disappear and sink into oblivion never to be seen again. A lone voice is heard crying, “Take me back, I love ye’s all. Ah didnae mean a’ they things ah said.” Who could it be?

  167. Maid_in_Scotland says:

    Sorry, bloomer. For ‘deficit’ read ‘debt’.

  168. jimnarlene says:

    I’m prepared for our new alien overlords, honestly, I’m fed up with the ones we have now.

  169. So these ^^^^ are the nasty cybernats???

    I’ve have nearly burnt the kids tea cos I was laughing so hard at all the comments …. tears of mirth rolling down! Full moon last night right enough.

    Keep it up – at least this site doesn’t have reams of negative, nasty comments …. just common sense and a brilliant sense of humour.

    Now ………….. off tae feed ma squirrel.

  170. wee folding bike says:

    I was at the museum in Edinburgh last week and they had a Ming exhibition on.

    Imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be full of vases and had no Queen soundtrack.

  171. geeo says:

    Good grief, i was going to join in with the sci-fi references but to be honest, i have no idea where to start with it.

    Will there be a cap on universal benefits

  172. Paula Rose says:

    @Soda – I do hope you sent the questionnaire and letter back as they can be re-used if you don’t deface them.

  173. Soda says:

    Um yeah Paula it was very tempting to properly “deface” it and get some practical use out of it at the same time. They could always fish it out of the Clyde later and reuse it 😉

    I was thinking of properly filling it in and sending it back (no stamp!) however I could only see 2 possible outcomes of this- 1, they would ignore it completly as the answers wouldn’t fit with their published “results” or 2, my door mat would getting buried under lots more garbage begging letters from fictional mothers of 3. Nah, best just treat it with the contempt it deserves, a bit like messers McDougall and Darling really.

  174. Croompenstein says:

    I heard Hammond caught the ice cream van before he flew back doon to the dark star..poke of flying saucers, milky way, mars bar, a galaxy(caramel obviously), packet of starburst, packet of space poppin candy, packet of space raiders, packet of monster(in) munch to remind him of the cabernats, that should tide him ower till he gets hame for tea because his tea and that of his oot..

  175. Oneironaut says:

    Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security.
    According to our Westminster lords and masters, us evil cybernats are one of the greatest threats to Western civilisation ever seen!

    And they thought I’d never amount to anything back at school! 😉 hehe.

  176. Paula Rose says:

    Is this what he’s worried about? A flying saucer attack!

  177. The Wild MacRae says:

    I received one of those BT letters two evenings ago and am intending to send it back neatly folded; blank; edges held down (to not inconvenience the postal service) using Pritt*.

    Kind of them to offer freepost say I.

    * Other contact adhesives are available.

  178. Ian Mackay says:

    I think we should get nominations going for Prof. John Robertson.

    The John Maddox Prize rewards an individual who has promoted sound science and evidence on a matter of public interest. Its emphasis is on those who have faced difficulty or hostility in doing so.

    If he wins the prize in August just before the referendum it will be a major embarrassment to the BBC!

  179. theycan'tbeserious says:

    Remember the earthquake in Glasgow? Maybe we are a target for those with space age technology…

  180. Barney Thomson says:

    ghaH ‘ej Duvan vo’ tlhInganpu’. roj vIneH maH nuvpu’. maH ‘ej scots vaj qoch maHlaH, wo’ mIgh qaD. HIja’ wutlh

  181. Croompenstein says:

    @Barney Thomson – Exactly whit I was thinking

  182. gerry parker says:

    @ Ian.
    We need his details and his permission to nominate him.

    Good idea.

  183. gerry parker says:

    @ Barney, My Mac made a great attempt at speaking that.


  184. Heather says:

    I’m just waiting for them to consult the Necronomicon to predict when Cthulhu will rise…Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.

  185. Craig says:

    “many around the world don’t know where Scotland is…”

    Many around the world don’t know where most other countries are.

    But Scotland is incredibly well known throughout the world, despite not even being an independent country.

  186. john king says:

    Arbroath says
    “!Dies any one know if Photon torpedoes work in our atmosphere or do they only work in outer space? ;)”

    I dinna ken?

    BtP says
    “The death of the first born is preceded by the plague of boils on yer bum.

    Just for info, like.”

    Dammit they must be practicin on me, oohya

    coolheads prevail
    ““In space, no-one can hear you gibber nonsense…”

    Ha, gotcha I’ve no put ma porridge oot yet,
    which is jist as well cos that wis pure dead funny

    Alba4eva says
    “Ah.. now I see why Phillip Hammond is panicking…”

    How did you get a picture of my brother Dhandaqugubh?

    They do say 1 in 5 of all people on Earth are in fact aliens,
    there are 5 people in my family,
    lets see, there’s mum, dad, me Brian,my sister lizzie, Dhandaqugubh, hmmm
    I’d be willing to bet it’s Brian. 🙁

    Xander says
    “Few man even considered the possibility of life on other planets and yet across the gulf of space minds immeasurably superior to ours regarded this Scotland with envious eyes and slowly and surely they drew their plans against us.”

    Wow your Justin Hayward arnt you?
    Can I have your autograph Mr Hayward?

    Maid in Scotland says
    “I got that bit from wikipedia”


    The aliens speak with a Doric accent?

    Soda SAYS

    I wonder if this would work,
    you put the reply in a dozen envelopes all with different (fictional ) addresses around the planet, with the words on each envelope to open if undeliverable and the words on the next envelope inside to try this address and by the time they open the last envelope and deliver it to the right address the postage would be about £3 grand
    jist sayin like.

    Paula Rose says
    “@Soda – I do hope you sent the questionnaire and letter back as they can be re-used if you don’t deface them.”

    Dont tempt me.

    Barney Thompson says
    “ghaH ‘ej Duvan vo’ tlhInganpu’. roj vIneH maH nuvpu’. maH ‘ej scots vaj qoch maHlaH, wo’ mIgh qaD. HIja’ wutlh”

    HO mind your language,
    there are ladies present you know.

    Gerry Parker says
    “@ Barney, My Mac made a great attempt at speaking that.


    By all that is holy,
    do you people get pleasure from seeing me destroy keyboards? DO YOU?

  187. john king says:

    Craig says
    “Many around the world don’t know where most other countries are.”

    I saw something on the news once were a lot of Americans didn’t know where their OWN country was, no lie.

  188. john king says:

    @Barney Thompson
    I just got my brother Dhandaqugubh to translate that and he says “it disnae mac oanne sense”.

    “from him, and Klingon. I want to make peace, we are the people. We and the scots then we can be evil, the Empire and the competition. Yes, the subterranean”


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