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Standing on one leg 8

Posted on December 13, 2012 by

The office is the coldest room in my house. Facing north it doesn't get a lot of sunlight, and the radiator is directly underneath the window, so much of what heat it generates disappears outside immediately. So I have a little halogen heater to keep the place cosy in winter, which also gives off a bright and pleasant firesidey glow and saves you having to turn the light on then wait 45 minutes for the useless "energy-saving" piece of shit to actually reach some sort of vaguely worthwhile level of illumination.

(Never mind about the Iraq war – I'd put Tony fucking Blair in prison for the rest of his life just for robbing us of proper lightbulbs, the wanker.)

The heater has three replaceable halogen elements. This is the process for replacing one of them (click to see the whole thing):

I have two questions for the manufacturers.

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The Olympic enclosures 1

Posted on July 25, 2012 by

As the sun made its first appearance of the summer at the weekend, Wings over Sealand wasn’t slow off the mark. On the “B” of the “BANG!”, we leapt onto a train for a scenic two-hour journey to the seaside, specifically the lovely south-coast town of Weymouth. It’s a remarkable place, changing character every time you turn a corner.

The front is a traditional resort promenade, with beaches and ice-cream stands and arcades. Just behind it is a picturesque working harbour town, tatty fishing boats mingling with some extremely fancy millionaires’ yachts. (Don’t miss the tasty and gigantic battered faggots at Bennett’s On The Waterfront fish and chip shop, by the way, the closest thing you’ll find to haggis in an English chippy and heavenly with a splash of onion vinegar.) Adjacent to both is a scruffy but bustling town centre, almost entirely free of the empty shops littering every other urban conurbation in Britain.

And if you embark on about five minutes’ leisurely stroll from the western end of the prom or the busy, noisy harbour and marina, you’ll find the town’s only sizeable area of public green space, in the form of the beautiful and peaceful oasis that is The Nothe.

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Flame wars 7

Posted on May 20, 2012 by

As huge crowds of primitive villagers turn out to marvel at some fire this weekend, here's some old-fashioned journalism to ponder. Click the image to read the article.

Enjoy the torch (possibly the last spectacle invented by Adolf Hitler to still be regularly performed and celebrated), and the two weeks of the Games while they last. Try not to get sick, in either sense of the term. Try not to be alarmed if anyone sticks a missile battery on your roof (and slaps an eviction order on you for making a fuss about it or for just not being lucrative enough), or a sonic cannon, or by the bored police with machine guns hanging around your train station waiting to shoot anyone who tries to protest or take an unlicenced beverage or snack into one of the state-of-the-art stadia.

Enjoy all the top events (on telly, unless you're a corporate sponsor), and as Boris Johnson gallivants around turning them into a giant Tory showpiece, take a moment out to give thanks to Tony Blair and the rest of Labour for making it all possible (with our money, of course) for him. Who needs hospitals and schools anyway?

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    • Jay on Irony you can’t buy: “Mark, is that also ideology of dependency ( with ref. to final sentence)?Mar 21, 08:43
    • Geri on Looking up at the stars: “Yer just looking for attention eh? “Unheard of. Never been done. No one had the balls.” That’s because it’s against…Mar 21, 08:40
    • Northcode on Irony you can’t buy: “It is a simple message, but one the majority of brain-washed Scots don’t appear to comprehend. Here it is again……Mar 21, 08:33
    • Mark Beggan on Irony you can’t buy: “Sturgeon would have right at home under the Iranian regime. She would have been a rising Star.Mar 21, 08:30
    • Mark Beggan on Irony you can’t buy: “Yep and he caved into Mandelson and the Pakistani Grooming Gangs. His wife is Jewish. Maybe she bitch slapped him…Mar 21, 08:09
    • Mark Beggan on Irony you can’t buy: “It’s the year 2015 and the Scots are betrayed by their own elite and handed a death sentence to be…Mar 21, 07:52
    • Northcode on Irony you can’t buy: ““After a time,” said old Mathers disregarding me, “I mercifully perceived the errors of my ways and the unhappy destination…Mar 21, 07:48
    • Wally Jumblatt on Irony you can’t buy: “Thatcher was a necessary evil, presumably you didnt live in pre-Thatcher times. The unions destroyed industry in this country. That’s…Mar 21, 07:35
    • Northcode on Irony you can’t buy: “The year is 1707. The Scots are betrayed by their own elite and handed a death sentence. A death sentence…Mar 21, 07:32
    • Aidan on Looking up at the stars: “I bet nobody on ITN was stupid enough to suggest that the whole of Kent should be quarantined given that…Mar 21, 06:51
    • GM on Irony you can’t buy: “Time will expose all. I hope so Lothianlad. I see my beloved country as a place that rewards human scum…Mar 21, 03:30
    • Young Lochinvar on Looking up at the stars: “Not so quick now Baby Beggars.. You do recall how similar in Iraq and Afghanistan turned out don’t you? No…Mar 21, 02:09
    • Young Lochinvar on Irony you can’t buy: “Ian Maybe this was the plan all along Inflame trends in “Kurskland” to tip the hair trigger “R”s into action…Mar 21, 01:50
    • Young Lochinvar on Irony you can’t buy: “MB Baby Beggars seems apt don’t you think?Mar 21, 01:12
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    • Anthem on Irony you can’t buy: “I totally agree Iain.Mar 20, 21:19
    • George Ferguson on Irony you can’t buy: “Another post disappeared into the ether. I have worked out it out. A defunct 5 year old e mail account…Mar 20, 21:15
    • Geri on Looking up at the stars: “No. That was imported.Mar 20, 20:34
    • Mark Beggan on Irony you can’t buy: “And it’s Mr Beggars to you.Mar 20, 20:34
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    • Mark Beggan on Irony you can’t buy: “That’s the financial damage and then there’s other damage. The lifes lost, the back stabbing, the lieing, the attack on…Mar 20, 20:20
    • Southernbystander on Looking up at the stars: “NC: ‘In contrast to Persia’s great contribution to humanity America’s very, very few inventions include . . .’ Jazz?Mar 20, 20:10
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    • Mark Beggan on Irony you can’t buy: “A war cant run itself you know. Just getting my Dragon Ladies in order. The Chief Turnip? You’ve got to…Mar 20, 20:02
    • Young Lochinvar on Looking up at the stars: “Aidan No need to start by apologising Aidan. Thick am I? Well and well, just watched ITN. They must be…Mar 20, 19:43
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    • ABruce on Irony you can’t buy: “This thrawn wee besom really really shouldn’t have fooled us. I mean, who could possibly have any doubts about someone…Mar 20, 19:28
    • Aidan on Looking up at the stars: “Sorry YL, I appreciate you aren’t that smart and to you this is all a bit of a mystery or…Mar 20, 19:23
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