Scottish independence referendum, plus jokes.

Wings Over Scotland


And I would ask 500 more

Posted on May 06, 2013 by

It’s indescribably beautiful that the No camp’s much-trailed “500 questions” PDF about independence actually features 507. At least they’re getting their arithmetic wrong downwards for a change. When all those are answered they promise hundreds and hundreds more, so we thought we’d give them a head start on Volume 2.

manyquestions-prog278

508. What’s that coming over the hill in an independent Scotland? Is it a monster?

509. War! HURGH! What will it be good for in an independent Scotland?

510. Who’ll put the bomp in the bomp-a-bomp-a-bomp in an independent Scotland?

511. Who’ll put the ram in the ramalamadingdong in an independent Scotland?

512. How much is that doggy in the window in an independent Scotland? (Not the one with the waggly tail, the other one. We won’t be able to afford ones with waggly tails, and nobody knows what currency we’d be paying with.)

513. What time is love in an independent Scotland?

514. Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near in an independent Scotland?

515. When, will I, will I be famous in an independent Scotland?

516. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, IF a woodchuck could chuck wood in an independent Scotland?

517. Why does it always rain on me in an independent Scotland?

518. Is this the way they say the future’s meant to feel, or just 20,000 people standing in a field in an independent Scotland?

519. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me in an independent Scotland?

520. Who let the dogs out in an independent Scotland? Who? Who?

521. What’s inside a girl in an independent Scotland?

522. If a picture paints a thousand words, why can’t I paint you in an independent Scotland?

523. What’s the frequency in an independent Scotland, Kenneth? (Presumably “of death threats from evil cybernats to your lovely daughter”.)

524. I would do anything for love in an independent Scotland, but I won’t do what?

525. Kelly, can you handle this? Michelle, can you handle this? Beyonce, can you handle this? I don’t think they can handle this in an independent Scotland.

526. What if God was one of us in an independent Scotland?

527. What would you do if you saw spaceships over Glasgow in an independent Scotland?

528. Is she really going out with him in an independent Scotland?

529. What difference does it make in an independent Scotland?

530. Did you fall off a building and land on your head, or did a truck in an independent Scotland run over your face instead?

531. WHAT’S she gonna look like with a chimney on her in an independent Scotland?

532. What’s so funny ’bout peace, love and understanding in an independent Scotland?

533. Do you take me for such a fool to think I’d make contact with the one who tries to hide what he don’t know to begin with in an independent Scotland?

534. Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper – in an independent Scotland, where’s me jumper?

535. Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with in an independent Scotland?

536. All my people, right here, right now – d’you know what I mean in an independent Scotland?

537. You know I hate to ask, but are ‘friends’ electric in an independent Scotland?

538. Why don’t we do it in the road in an independent Scotland?

539. Where do we go from here? Is it down to the lake in an independent Scotland, I fear?

540. What costume shall the poor girl wear to all tomorrow’s parties in an independent Scotland?

541. What was it to you that a man laid down his life for your love? Were those clear eyes of yours ever filled with the pain of tears of grief? Did you ever give yourself to one man in this whole world? Or did you love me, and will you find your way back one day to Xanadu, in an independent Scotland?

542. Have you seen your mother, baby, standing in the shadow in an independent Scotland?

543. How do we solve a problem like Maria in an independent Scotland?

544. Grocer Jack, Grocer Jack, is it true what Mummy said – you won’t come back in an independent Scotland?

545. Did you think I would leave you crying, when there’s room on my horse for two in an independent Scotland?

546. Thurston! Watt! Thurston! I think it’s ten thirty, we’re calling from Providence, Rhode Island. Did you find your shit in an independent Scotland?

547. What’s new in an independent Scotland, pussycat?

548. Who’s the black private dick that’s a sex-machine to all the chicks in an independent Scotland?

549. Baby, where did our love go in an independent Scotland?

550. Jeepers creepers, where’d you get those peepers in an independent Scotland?

551. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi in an independent Scotland, ce soir?

552. Do you plan to let me go for some other guy you knew before in an independent Scotland?

553. Whose bed have your boots been under? And whose heart did you steal, I wonder? This time did it feel like thunder in an independent Scotland, baby?

554. What if this party fears two in an independent Scotland?

555. Are we men, or are we Devo?

Join in any time!

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691 to “And I would ask 500 more”

  1. Lobeydosser says:

    Will we know what Scotland has in its pocketsies when were  Independent.

  2. HighlandMartin says:

    Will I have to ask someone first, if that insult was in quotes in an Independent Scotland?

  3. handclapping says:

    Nearly there now
    Will I still wanna go home when day de light come in an Independent Scotland?

  4. Jeannie says:

    Will it still be committing social suicide to no take your turn of the sterrs in an independent Scotland and will it still be a social faux pas to “keep a durty hoose”?

  5. Jiggsbro says:

    If it’s a penny for your thoughts, but in a discussion you put your two pence worth in, who will get the extra penny in an independent Scotland?

  6. YesYesYes says:

    Will Ed Balls grow some gonads in an independent Scotland?

  7. HighlandMartin says:

    @ Lobeydosser
     
    Good point.. furthermore, will our armies still be kept up our sleevies in an Independent Scotland?

  8. Midgehunter says:

    Will V.A.T on IT be reduced so that we can all afford IT …. ?
     
    Climbing out of poverty and on to the dole ..!

  9. YesYesYes says:

    Will Better Together take the money and run in an independent Scotland?

  10. YesYesYes says:

    Will Eric Joyce and Ian Davidson hit me baby one more time in an independent Scotland?

  11. EdinScot says:

    What will be the ‘union dividend’ in an independent Scotland?

  12. Jeannie says:

    Is there any chance we could at last see the return of that master of entertainment, lightning wit and repartee that was the legendary Glasgow Bus Conductor, in an independent Scotland?  Personally, I just love a man in uniform.

  13. Lobeydosser says:

    Can we still set our phasers to scunner in an Independent Scotland.

  14. How many ships sail in the forest in an independent Scotland?

  15. How many strawberries grow in the salt sea in an independent Scotland?

  16. YesYesYes says:

    Will the pandas in Edinburgh Zoo still be singing if you like it then you should have put a ring on it in an independent Scotland?

  17. G H Graham says:

    888. Post independence, will stairheid rammy expert, Johann Lamont try not to look & sound like a stairheid rammy expert?
     
     
     

  18. Will ye go lassie go in an independent Scotland?

  19. YesYesYes says:

    Will Ryan miss his wee roll and sausage in an independent Scotland and has he dropped out of university yet?

  20. Clarinda says:

    Will occasional tables always be tables in an Independent Scotland?

  21. Bugger (the Panda) says:

     
    EdinScot says:
     
    7 May, 2013 at 1:01 pm
     

    Will Wendys brain still be the size of a planet in an independent Scotland?

     
     
    Uranus

  22. YesYesYes says:

    Does the Scottish government have any plans to ascertain the whereabouts of Lord Lucan and the remains of Shergar in an independent Scotland?

  23. Stuart Black says:

    Will the waiting for the federals finally be over in an independent Scotland?

  24. YesYesYes says:
    7 May, 2013 at 1:49 pm

    Will Ryan miss his wee roll and sausage in an independent Scotland and has he dropped out of university yet?

    Brilliant?
    Will Donald’s ancestors be upset that he hasn’t made life better for them in an independent Scotland?
    Will Donald have got rid of his fleas in an independent Scotland?

  25. Doug says:

    To Westminster:  If I wanted to break free. I want to break free from your lies, you’re so self-satisfied and I don’t need you.  Would an Independent Scotland allow me to do this?

  26. EdinScot says:

     
    Bugger (the Panda) says:
    7 May, 2013 at 1:52 pm

     
    EdinScot says:
     
    7 May, 2013 at 1:01 pm
     
    Will Wendys brain still be the size of a planet in an independent Scotland?
     
     
    Uranus
     
    LOL!  So they can still talk out their assholes in an independent Scotland then?

  27. Jeannie says:

    Will Auntie Mary’s canary still be allowed to live up the leg of her drawers in an independent Scotland or will the RSPB have something to say about that?

  28. handclapping says:

    Clarinda says:
     
    7 May, 2013 at 1:52 pm
     

    Will occasional tables always be tables in an Independent Scotland?

     
    Zen  :)

  29. pmcrek says:

    How will Bob Marley like his doughnuts in a separate Scotland?

  30. Stuart Black says:

    Will the red, red robin still go bob, bob bobbing along?

  31. Exactly how quickly should one bugger off in an independent Scotland?
    #HIGNFY

  32. Hotrod Cadets says:

    In an independent Scotland, is this the real life or is it just fantasy?

  33. Jeannie says:

    Will one man from Carntyne and a great big greyhound dug called Boa band a lassie called Senga go to join the Parish without the requisite bottle of wine because of minimum pricing on alcohol in an independent Scotland?

  34. MajorBloodnok says:

    With reference to Lobeydosser – how many legs will horses be allowed in an Independent Scotland?

  35. The Man in the Jar says:

    Will I still be allowed to Smack my bitch up, in an independent Scotland?
    Yours I. Davidson

  36. Hotrod Cadets says:

    What is an independent Scotland all about, Alfie?

  37. Boorach says:

    Will those three old ladies still be locked in the lavatory in an independent Scotland?
     

  38. Can we have Freddie Mercury, Brian May, John Deacon and Roger Taylor in drag on the stamps in an independent Scotland?

  39. Will Ian Taylor want his dirty money back in an independent Scotland?

  40. Jiggsbro says:

    Yaffa yat? Whit yat yaffa in an independent Scotland?

  41. Lobeydosser says:

    @Jeannie. LMAO in a nearly Independent Scotland

  42. Jeannie says:

    @major bloodnok
    With reference to Lobeydosser – how many legs will horses be allowed in an Independent Scotland?
     
    – Just one rank bajin :)

  43. Boorach says:

    Why were they there from Monday till Saturday in an independent Scotland?
    and
    Why did no-one know they were there in an independent Scotland?
    and
    Why is my question mark key being worn to a frazzle in an independent Scotland?

  44. Jiggsbro says:

    How many dollars will I have to have in my hand when I’m waiting for my man in an independent Scotland?

  45. Dcanmore says:

    Would I be able to put 200 people in a room and pretend its 600 people in an Independent Scotland?

  46. The Man in the Jar says:

    Will The Reverend De Wayne Love of the First Presbyterian Church of Elvis the Divine become Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland in an independent Scotland?

  47. HighlandMartin says:

    Will Katie Birnie’s wooden leg still be allowed to kick the bairnies oot o bed in an Independent Scotland?

  48. Jamie Arriere says:

    Where do you go to my lovely, when you’re alone in your bed in an independent Scotland?

  49. Jamie Arriere says:

    Will the pheasant plucker’s son still be filling in until the pheasant plucker comes in an independent Scotland?

  50. Kendomacaroonbar says:

    Will Telly Savalas need a licence in an independent Scotland ?

  51. Albalha says:

    @JamieArriere
    Back streets of Nairn, I think she said.

  52. handclapping says:

    19 September 2014 It will have only just begun in an Independent Scotland

  53. EdinScot says:

    Will special k chocolate & strawberry flavoured cornflakes be able to speak with a Scots accent if we put them up our nostrils when we stand next to that ‘nationalist shillobith’ in an independent Scotland on a rainy day?

  54. Stuart Black says:

    The Man in the Jar says:
     

    Will The Reverend De Wayne Love of the First Presbyterian Church of Elvis the Divine become Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland in an independent Scotland?
     
    I do hope so, if not I ain’t gonna go to Goa…
     
    I just can’t help myself.
     

  55. G H Graham says:

    921 (7)(f)(iii). Optical Illusion: -
     
    When Scotland achieves independence, will Jackie Baillie’s arse make my car appear to look smaller than it actually is?

  56. Stuart Black says:

    Yes.

  57. Will ye gang love and leave me noo in an independent Scotland?

  58. Jeannie says:

    Will it be compulsory to step we gaily on we go, heel for heel and toe for toe when we go to Mairi’s wedding or will we still be allowed to feck the whole thing up and make arses of ourselves like we usually do after a few drams in an independent Scotland?

  59. Caroline Corfield says:

    When we have the report into the research on the discussion and ask questions of that research so we can report to the report and debate it – will we already be in an independent Scotland?

  60. G H Graham says:

    652 (G)(7)(viii). APPRENTICESHIPS
    22. WOODWORKING
    d). Leadership
    After independence who will be responsible for screwing the drawers off the tallboy?

  61. Jamie Arriere says:

    @Albalha
    Knowing her as I do, it would more likely be doon at the harbour looking longingly out to sea.
    lol

  62. Jiggsbro says:

    Where will the energy be in that debate in an independent Scotland?

  63. Jeannie says:

    @GC Graham
    After independence who will be responsible for screwing the drawers off the tallboy?
     
    Well, it cannae be Jimmy Saville – he’s deid.

  64. G H Graham says:

    754. STATE BENEFITS

     
    Is thurr nae chance of gettin ‘sumfin fer nuthin’ fae stairheid rammy expert Johann Lamont efter indy pendance?
     
    Whit aboot a free Tunnock’s Tea Cake?

  65. The Man in the Jar says:

    @Stuart Black
    at 2:31pm
    All we need is some damn fool lying on some foreign beach wearing psychedelic spandex trousers smoking damn dope thinking he’s getting conscious expansion. If I want conscience expansion I go to my local tabernacle and I sing! In an independent Scotland!

  66. Jeannie says:

    How will the man from Del Monte react to a “No” vote in the referendum?

  67. Jamie Arriere says:

    @Albalha
    Knowing her as I do, it would more likely be doon at the harbour looking longingly out to sea.
    lol

    ….the number of times I’ve been down there at fuckin four in the morning in ma jammies….

  68. G. Campbell says:

    Rolling down the hill. In yellow and black. I see a figure out in front me. His body shapes itself accordingly. Will Alex Salmond have stabilisers fitted in an independent Scotland?

  69. Graeme Purves says:

    High Noon on 18 September 2014:
     
    Oh, to be torn twixt love and duty
    Supposin I lose my fair haired beauty in an independent Scotland?
     
     

  70. Jeannie says:

    Do members of the Orange Order get upset when they’ve been tango’d?

  71. Laura says:

    Will a door still be a-jar in an independent Scotland?

  72. G. Campbell says:

    Who is God? Well, it’s an invisible person, and he lives up in heaven, up there. God is somebody who rules the world. He’s sort of like a spirit, I guess up in outer space. He kind of started all the plants growing, and he started people. Well I guess he’s kind of big and fat. He can see us whatever we do, whatever we do, he has such powerful eyes, he has to have millions and thousands and billions, and he can still see us when we’re bad. He could be sitting on the table right now, but you can’t see him. If he was a bad man, he would make everything bad, and we wouldn’t have electricity, he wouldn’t make people; that’s what would happen if God wasn’t nice. He’s not though, what – a lot of people think he’s just a feeling – but I think he’s a real person. Well, I think that God, um, isn’t a person, but he’s up in the heavens, and he’s watching over us right now. But will he go in the huff if Scotland becomes independent?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qrbfRqBdpY

  73. MajorBloodnok says:

    If I’m laying lino in an Independent Scotland, will I still need a flair for it?

  74. Weedeochandorris says:

    Will we still get to call a half loaf, a half loaf, in an independent Scotland?

  75. Jamie Arriere says:

    Will an Independent Scotland lobby for Houghmagandie to become an Olympic sport?

  76. YesYesYes says:

    @Roddy Mac,
     
    Will Donald’s ancestors be upset that he hasn’t made life better for them in an independent Scotland?
    Will Donald have got rid of his fleas in an independent Scotland?”.
     
    LOL.  So it was you who posted that video on You Tube? I think it deserves another airing, just to remind ourselves what we’re up against:
     
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udSR5GTmmTo

  77. BillyBigbaws says:

    Will the Wichita lineman still be on the line in an independent Scotland? 

  78. Cath says:

    Will Mary Mac’s mother still be makin’ Mary Mac mairry me in an independent Scotland?

  79. Dal Riata says:

     
    Will our womenfolk still come from a long line of fannies in an independent Scotland?

  80. YesYesYes says:

    And for the benefit of undecided voters:
     
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tth-8wA3PdY

  81. Laura says:

    Will the UK become, rumpUK or formerUK
    I mean you can’t have FU KIP and FU KOK

  82. Cath says:

    Will we all still be allowed to be in Garry Glitter’s gang if we go independent or will he not want us any more?

  83. sneddon says:

    Will people on the East Coast still have the bizarre habit of requesting “salt n sauce” on their chips in an independent Scotland?
    One day the whole world will do this :)

  84. Elizabeth says:

    Wull Donald at last be able tae say whaur his troosers are  in an independent Scotland?

  85. Jamie Arriere says:

    Wha wid fill a coward’s grave in an independent Scotland?
     
    (no, let’s not start another list….)

  86. The Man in the Jar says:

    @Sneddon
    Aye Right!
    Youl have had your tea?

  87. Mac says:

     
    Will there be drunken sailors in an independent Scotland, and if so what will we do with them?

  88. Mac says:

     
    Will ye no come back again no come back?

  89. Kendomacaroonbar says:

    How much will a penny caramel be in an independent Scotland ?

  90. Rev. Stuart Campbell says:

    Will people on the East Coast still have the bizarre habit of requesting “salt n sauce” on their chips in an independent Scotland?

    SALT’N’SAUCE WILL BE COMPULSORY.

  91. Marcia says:

    Kendomacaroonbar
     
    A penny. That takes be back to the 1950’s when we used to annoy the local shop with daft questions like that – ah memories. Will be allowed memories in an Independent Scotland>

  92. YesYesYes says:
     
    7 May, 2013 at 3:32 pm
    @Roddy Mac,
     
    LOL.  So it was you who posted that video on You Tube?
     
    Guilty, M’Lud.

  93. Cath says:

    “Will be allowed memories in an Independent Scotland”
     
    As long as they don’t involve any other part of the union. Any memories involving rUK will be vetoed by Westminster.

  94. Kendomacaroonbar says:

    Will nostalgia be like wot it used to be in an independent Scotland…Marcia n’ me wanna know ….and what about the workers ?

  95. uilleambeag says:

    Will the lads in white still go at the speed of light in an independent Scotland? Will it still be good to be young and daring? Twitter clarification on these important points is yet to be heard from Pete Wishart. 

  96. Silverytay says:

    Rev    How many posts on the one subject do we need to break the record in an independent Scotland .

  97. The Man in the Jar says:

    What about pointed sticks?

  98. Rev. Stuart Campbell says:

    Silverytay: we broke the record about 300 ago :D

  99. Jamie Arriere says:

    Will Bonnie Wee Jeannie McColl still be the belle of the ball in an independent Scotland?

  100. YesYesYes says:

    @Roddy Macdonald,
     
    Guilty M’Lud”,
     
    The gravity of your offence is such that although, against my better judgement, I am not empowered to impose a custodial sentence on you, the limited powers that the Rev Stu has invested in me leave me no alternative. I therefore sentence you to a 12 month subscription to Labour Hame, a letter of repentance to the Truth Team and a night out at a Bangladeshi restaurant with Ian Smart. I hope the severity of this sentence will be a deterrent to others who may be tempted to engage in these vicious cybernat crimes.  

  101. Jeannie says:

    If 4 and 20 virgins come down from Inverness, by the time the ball is over will there still be 4 and 20 less in an independent Scotland?

  102. Jamie Arriere says:

    Were the 4 and 20 virgins fae Inverness and Bonnie Wee Jeannie McColl at the same ball?
     
    Is there a Co-operative hall in Kirriemuir?

  103. Ghengis says:

    This just in from BetterTogether headquarters at Pacific Quay:
     
     
    What is the difference between a duck?
     
    #500Questions

  104. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Jeannie
     
    Where are you going to find the 4 and 20 virgins in Scotland after the independence vote, 2014, nevermind Inverness.
     
    On a less probable note, I was just stuffing a chicken and Maggie “Stair heid” Curn came into a my mind.
     
    Can I get rid of these thoughts in an independent Scotland, pleeeeeeeesssssseeeeee!

  105. Jeannie says:

    And will the yin that did it last time still no be able tae dae it noo in an independent Scotland?

  106. Jeannie says:

    Will Tunes still help us breathe more easily in an independent Scotland?

  107. Jiggsbro says:

    What is the difference between a duck?
     
    One of its legs both work better together.

  108. Jeannie says:

    Will the Gay Gordons be allowed to get married or will they just have to make do with a civil partnership in an independent Scotland?

  109. Patrick Roden says:

    My favourite from Twitter:
     
    “Will my border collie need a passport…in an independent Scotland “

  110. Kendomacaroonbar says:

    Patrick,
     
    I posted the original earlier on this thread..somebody has copied it….Brill !!

  111. handclapping says:

    Have you heard? Its in the stars that next July an Independent Scotland only will collide with Mars.
    Well, did you ever. What a swell Union this is.
     
    and we had colour in those days. or was it color?

  112. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    My Bullterrier had an EU passport and  chip so he could cross land borders without problems.

  113. Kendomacaroonbar says:

    Will my marriage licence still be valid in an independent Scotland, but not anywhere else ?

  114. Inbhir Anainn says:

    In an independent Scotland will the First Minister stop stroking or brushing the side of his head/face whilst answering questions at FMQ’s?
     

  115. Hotrod Cadets says:

    What would be the boiling point of water in an independent Scotland?
    Would Blue Peter badges still be valid in an independent Scotland?
    Can Alex Salmond guarantee that Godzilla would not attack an independent Scotland?

  116. Joybell says:

    Will Lucy still be in the sky with diamonds in an independent Scotland?

  117. Dcanmore says:

    Will M’Lud Jack McConnell allow his elderly neighbour to use the coal shed in an Independent Scotland? His neighbour needs to know! (preferably not through the court).
     
    http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-tayside-central-17357394
     
    Will the Hillman Imp make a comeback in an Independent Scotland? (people of Linwood need to know).

  118. Laura says:

    To me this is such an appropriate song
    http://youtu.be/OsDh8u1-Oq4

  119. Dramfineday says:

    Will I still be able to wear a faux hat when someone mentions Auchtermuchty in an independent Scotland?
    Will there still be one for me and 19 for you in an independent Scotland?
    Will cauld winter still howl o’r moor and o’r mountain in an independent Scotland?
    More importantly: Will Galloway still be bonny in an independent Scotland? (no George NOT you).

  120. Jeannie says:

    Will we still teach kids to sing Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes in that order in an independent Scotland or will be allowed to mix the order up just to confuse them?

  121. Dramfineday says:

    Will I still be able to watch paint dry in an independent Scotland?
    Will I still be able to watch the grass grow under people’s feet in an independent Scotland?
     

  122. Jeannie says:

    In an independent Scotland will the old custom be resurrected of designating the first carriage of the last train from Glasgow to Coatbridge on a Saturday night as “for single singers only”?

  123. Marcia says:

    Can you make yourself a happiness pie in an Independent Scotland?
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F1K5qDUNiIw
     

  124. Patrick Roden says:

    @Kendomacaroonbar   Nice one buddy ;-)
     
    Will bairns still ‘run aroond the streets we thir erse hingin oot the back oh thir troosers’..
     
    In an independent Scotland.

  125. Joybell says:

    Saw a girl in Edinburgh today with a bag saying “Buckie Lugger” on it.  Will we still be allowed to laugh at spoonerisms?

  126. Kendomacaroonbar says:

    Joybell,
     
    Maybe she was actually carrying some Buckfast’s famous tonic wine in her knapsack …hence the luggin ?

  127. Name (required) says:

    what will ‘ i cant believe its not butter’ taste like in an independent Scotland

  128. StevieTV says:

    Will we still be allowed to speak English in an independent Scotland?

  129. cynicalHighlander says:

    What time will bedtime be in an independent Scotland?

  130. Joybell says:

    Kendomac
     
    I got the tonic wine bit, but my husband got the spooner bit.  I’m not usually so slow.  Honest. Maybe I’ll be quicker in an independent Scotland.
     
     

  131. the rough bounds says:

    Whatever happened to the Chi Rho’s in an independent Scotland?

  132. David Cunningham says:

    “what will ‘ i cant believe its not butter’ taste like in an independent Scotland”
     
    That’s an easy one – the answer is it still won’t taste like butter. :-)

  133. Morag says:

    Bored now.

  134. Kendomacaroonbar says:

    Will we still be able to leave the toilet seat up in an independent Scotland ?

  135. Elizabeth says:

    Can we hope that the sentiment expressed in Hugh MacDiarmid’s  poem “The Parrot Cry” comes to fruition in an independent Scotland?
    Tell me the auld, auld story
    O’ hoo the Union brocht
    Puir Scotland into being
    As a country worth a thocht.
    England, frae whom a; blessings flow
    What could we dae withoot ye?  
    Then dinna threep it doon oor throats   
    As gin we e’er could doot ye!
      My feelings lang wi’ gratitude
      Ha’e been sae sairly harrowed
      That dod! I think it’s time
      The claith was owre the parrot!   
     
    Tell me o’ Scottish enterprise
    And canniness and thrift,
    And hoo we’re baith less Scots and mair
    Than ever under George the fifth,
    And hoo to ‘wider interests’
    Oor ain we sacrifice
    And yet tine naething by it     
    As aye the parrot cries.
      Syne gie’s a chance to think it oot   
      Aince we’re a’ weel awaur o’t,
      For, losh, I think it’s time
      The claith was owre the parrot!
     
    Tell me o’ love o’ country
    Content to see’t decay,
    And ony ither paradox
    Ye think o’ by the way.
    I doot it needs a Hegel
    Sic opposites to fuse;
    Oor education’s failin’
    And canna gie’s the views
      That were peculiar to us
      Afore our vision narrowed
      And gar’d us think it time     
      The claith was owre the parrot!
     
    A parrot’s weel eneuch at times     
    But whiles we’d leifer hear    
    A blackbird or a mavis     
    Singin’ fu’ blythe and clear.
    Fetch ony native Scottish bird
    Frae the eagle to the wren,
    And faith! you’d hear a different sang
    Frae this painted foreigner’s then.
      The marine that brocht it owre
      Believed its every word
      – But we’re a’ deeved to daith     
      Wi’ his infernal bird.
     
    It’s possible that Scotland yet
    May hear its ain voice speak
    If only we can silence
    This endless chatterin’ beak.
    The blessing wi’ the black
    Selvedge is the clout!     
    It’s silenced Scotland lang eneuch,
    Gi’e England turn aboot.
      For the puir bird needs its rest – 
      Wha else’ll be the waur o’t?   
      And it’s lang past the time
      The claith was owre the parrot.
     
     
    And gin that disna dae, lads,
    We e’en maun draw its neck     
    And heist its body on a stick    
    A’ ither pests to check.
    I’d raither keep’t alive, and whiles
    Let bairns keek in and hear
    What the Balliol accent used to be   
    Frae the Predominant Pairtner here!
      – But save to please the bairns
      I’d absolutely bar it
      For fegs, it’s aye high time
      The claith was owre the parrot!

  136. Laura says:

    Morag says:     
    Bored now
     
    Move on then, some folk have just joined the party.
     
     

  137. Morag says:

    :D

    If Stu would put up a fresh post, I’d be out of here.

    Changing Herald story, England trying to grab our oil, it’s all good.

  138. The Man in the Jar says:

    Will Buckfast come in biodegradable bottles in an independent Scotland?

  139. sneddon says:

    Kendomacaroonbar says:
     

    Will my marriage licence still be valid in an independent Scotland, but not anywhere else ?’
    It’ll make holidays abroad interesting :)

  140. Rev. Stuart Campbell says:

    “If Stu would put up a fresh post, I’d be out of here.”

    DAY. OFF.
    :D

  141. Morag says:

    YOU CAN’T HAVE A DAY OFF!

    Your country is not yet free, and you talk of “day off”?  (That’s what the convener of my previous SNP branch tended to say if we tried to get out of a campaign day or something.)

  142. Dramfineday says:

    Will Bill Stickers be free from prosecution in an independent Scotland or would other countries apply to have him extradited?
     
    Goodnight!

  143. Dal Riata says:

    In an independent Scotland, how will we ever know who put the bop in the bop shoo wop shoo wop or who put the dip in the dip da dip da dip?

  144. Baheid says:

    Will Howling Wolf singing The Constipation Blues be an independent Scotland’s national anthem ?

  145. The Man in the Jar says:

    Will we have had our tea? in an independent Edinb Scotland?

  146. Baheid says:

    Dammit, it was Screamin’ Jay Hawkins. (Bloody Fiddich again)
     
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ic3g8Xnf7LI

  147. Morag says:

    You know, y’all are repeating yourselves….

  148. The Man in the Jar says:

    Will Scottish Labours polices consist of Gonynodaethat” First Minister of Scotland–”How?” Scottish Labour – “Just Gonyno?” In an independent Scotland?

  149. Joybell says:

    How many of us googled “The Constipation Blues” to see if it existed?  I guess we’re sorry now!

  150. Dcanmore says:

    But haud oan Morag … the Union Dividend allows us to be ‘bored’ and ‘repeat ourselves’ without the fear of invasion or being targeted by North korea. What I say is will we be able to have the luxury of being bored and to repeat ourselves in an Independent Scotland, could we afford that? I think we should be told!

  151. Laura says:

    Morag says:     
    You know, y’all are repeating yourselves.
     
    Yup, I’m looking forward to the ones around midnight or later (weesmileything)

  152. Kendomacaroonbar says:

    Hey Rev,   I’ve just been playing with the Hootsman and London Labour Poll and body count algorithim and it looks like you’ve passed the 21,000 post mark for this thread !  

  153. DPICT says:

    BTW I did not compile the above list, i came across it on a well known hifi forum. I cant confirm the authenticity, but if it’s even partially correct, people should know about it. No need for 500 questions as to why we need out of this corrupt system.

  154. Patrician says:

    How many shades of grey will there be in an independent Scotland?  enquiring minds want to know ;-)
    Did a big boy do it and then ran away in an independent Scotland?
    Will there be jam in an independent Scotland? (There will be cake but there is no jam)

  155. Rev. Stuart Campbell says:

    DPICT: we’re going to need some links to evidence before we publish that very long list of very serious claims.

  156. Marcia says:

    Will Scotland win the Eurovision Song Contest as an Independent country.
     
    Shall we give our neighbour 12 points?

  157. Rev. Stuart Campbell says:

    “BTW I did not compile the above list, i came across it on a well known hifi forum. I cant confirm the authenticity, but if it’s even partially correct, people should know about it”

    If it’s only “partially correct” then it’s all kinds of libellous.

  158. DPICT says:

    This information is available to anyone interested but as i said, i did not do the research.

  159. Chic McGregor says:

    If we try really hard, could we persuade London to redraw the maritime boundary and take some of that problematic, volatile oil off our hands in an independent Scotland?

  160. Morag says:

    Or as one wag reportedly said, “Problematic stuff that.  We really ought to get rid of it as soon as possible.  Has anyone tried burning it?”

  161. G H Graham says:

    101st. Broadband or Band of Brothers
     
    Will Aye-Pads be marketed as opthalmic field dressings or personal communication devices in an independent Scotland?

  162. therealben10 says:

    Will we still be able to eat pickled onion monster munch in an independent scotland?

  163. Davy says:

    Will “Jackie Ballie” stop lying her arse off on radio Scotland right now, in an independent Scotland.

  164. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Will the Crisps still be Crisp in an Independent Scotland.

  165. Doug says:

    Would 666 still be the number of the beast in an independent Scotland?

  166. Boorach says:

    Will I still be able to spend my days watching ospreys fishing in the Dornoch Firth while reading WoS threads in an independent Scotland?

  167. Kenny says:

    Will Dustin Hoffman be entitled to extol the virtues of stovies in an independent Scotland?

  168. Kenny says:

    Will you still find woodland fertilising ponfiffs in an independent Scotland?

  169. MajorBloodnok says:

    Would 667 still be the number of the neighbour of the beast in an independent Scotland?

  170. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Ah, looks I will have to do a moonlight flit.

  171. Clarinda says:

    Will it be compulsory to wear knickers under all fur coats in an Independent Scotland?

  172. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Not in Edinburgh Clarinda, or Dundee

  173. Clarinda says:

    BtP – Edinburgh OK – Dundee?

  174. The Man in the Jar says:

    MajorBloodnok says:
    8 May, 2013 at 7:05 pm

    Would 667 still be the number of the neighbour of the beast in an independent Scotland?

    Major is 667 not already the fax number of the beast in an independent Scotland?

    I’m sure it was the last time I saw a fax regarding his Labour party membership renewal.

  175. john king says:

    I’ve got one ,I’ve got one!
    hello? hello? is anyone there?
    bugger!
    too late
    damn-it, it was really good as well
    doh!
    oh well maybe I’ll be allowed to sing karaoke in an independent Scotland? 

    Hello Muddah, hello Faddah
    Here I am at camp Grenada
    Camp is very entertaining
    And they say we’ll have some fun if it stops raining

    I went hiking with Joe Spivey
    He developed poison ivy
    You remember Leonard Skinner
    He got ptomaine poisoning last night after dinner

    All the counselors hate the waiters
    And the lake has alligators
    And the head coach wants no sissies
    So he reads to us from something called Ulysses

    Now I don’t want this should scare ya’
    But my bunkmate has malaria
    You remember Jeffery Hardy
    They’re about to organize a searching party

    Take me home, oh Muddah, Faddah
    Take me home, I hate Grenada
    Don’t leave me out in the forest where
    I might get eaten by a bear

    Take me home, I promise I will
    Not make noise, or mess the house with
    Other boys, oh please don’t make me stay
    I’ve been here one whole day

    Dearest Fadduh, Darling Muddah
    How’s my precious little bruddah
    Let me come home if you miss me
    I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me

    Wait a minute, it’s stopped hailing
    Guys are swimming, guys are sailing
    Playing baseball, gee that’s bettah
    Muddah, Faddah kindly disregard this letter

    I thank you I thank
    applause applause

    hello? hello?
    oh well if you really have to listen to the real thing here it is I suppose
    Hello Muddah Hello Faddah – Allan Sherman (cover) – YouTube
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vybVaAOurY0

     

  176. Joybell says:

    Oh well, I’ll post to keep you happy, and a wee hand clap.  You’ll not know whether its a slow one or not.

  177. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Soap and Salad dodgers as well.
     
    Broughty Ferry maybe the fur coat and nae nickers.

  178. john king says:

    well I suppose it’ll be left to me to sweep up then ,huh
    what a messy lot,
    you should see the rubbish, 
    oh come on who left these red panties?
    I’m looking at you bloodknok

  179. john king says:

    your not from Broughty Ferry by any chance are you colonel?
    and whats that terrible smell in here?
    and will you look at all the salad left to waste?

  180. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    No, but I suspect Clarinda just might be.

    wrt Dundee, soap and salads, these are what my daughters told me. One went to school there and the other studied at Dundee Uni.

    A Dundee shower they told me was a dousing of deodorant.
     
    Just sayin.

  181. Albalha says:

    Lots of us from Dundee on here, who may or may not shower daily, I wouldn’t be knowing nor caring too much, where are you from yourself Panda?
     
     
     

  182. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Maryhill, yes I know but, that was a long time ago. I have lived in France for the last 20 or so years.

  183. Albalha says:

    You live in France and question Dundonains use of soap, showering etc, alors, c’est vraiment un monde fou.

  184. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    D’accord but I did have my monthly shower this morning.
     
    In my defence we used the bath to store our coal in Maryhill.
     
    I lived for about 12 years in Freuchie, thus the Dundee connections of my two daughters.
     
    I ran across Clarinda some years back on another blog and somehow worked out that she lived in the Ferry.
     
    This may give you a wee laugh
     
    http://subrosa-blonde.blogspot.fr/2009/12/message-from-b-panda.html
     
     

  185. Jamie Arriere says:

    Clearing up a loose end here…..668 is the neighbour of the Beast ; 667 is across the road!

  186. Dramfineday says:

    Right, this is the last from me on this subject (hurrah, did you say?)
    Will we be told if the Battersea dogs home in an independent Scotland
    Will women still open doors in their nightdresses in an independent Scotland
    (thanks Chic)

  187. Clarinda says:

    Well BtP – I’ve only been to Broughty Ferry a couple of times – born and educated in the capital and now live above the Fair City but hanker for my DNA origins beyond Lairg.  I still keep up with the ‘Dundee Wifey’ and I fully support the application of soap with a good rub down on a regular basis.
     

  188. Dave McEwan Hill says:

    Sadly, I don’t know any women with doors in their nightdresses.

  189. Bugger (the Panda) says:

    Nice to see you are still around.

    rub down with soap and water?

    I’m a wire brush and Dettol man myself.
     
    James

  190. skeelo says:

    I found the No campaign’s 500 questions utterly hilarious.
    This strategy is the best example I have ever seen of the Gish Gallop in the wild. And that really isn’t a good thing.



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