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Wings Over Scotland


The Mars bar at your seat

Posted on January 27, 2014 by

Well, jings, crivvens and help – so to speak – wur boabs. How did we all manage to miss this one in the Sunday Times last month? We assume it’s meant to be comic.

newcaledonia

Aye, welcome to the new free Caledonia

No tartan, no whisky and no oil. What a strange independent Scotland President Sean Connery will oversee from his tax haven in 2024, predicts Harry Mount.

Edinburgh, 2024: 10 years after the Scots voted “Aye” to independence, the country’s capital seems, at first glance, utterly unchanged. Arthur’s Seat still looms majestically over the Athens of the North. The ladies of Morningside retain their precise Miss Jean Brodie elocution. And they still haven’t sorted out the trams running down Princes Street.

But follow the Ghost of Scotland Future through the city, and you’ll gradually notice the seismic changes that swept across the country after it became independent on March 24, 2016. For a start, there’s not a thread of tartan to be seen.

“Och, no,” said the Ghost, “We only ever wore that stuff to show we were different from yon Sassenach softies. Don’t need all that Jock rubbish any more. The same with those hairy skirts. They were hell to wear — it used to get bloody freezing, particularly in the Gorbals.”

Surely all that other stuff goes on? Tossing the caber? The Queen doing Scottish reels with her ghillie?

“The who? Aye, I think I remember her — wee lassie in a headscarf, bairn on the dole? Alex Salmond kicked her oot years ago. Thought she came on a bit aggressive at the 700th anniversary party at Bannockburn three months before the independence vote, and never forgave her.”

So she just comes to Balmoral on her holidays, then?

“Balmoral?” said the Ghost, “Ah! You’ll be meaning President Connery’s hoose. I don’t think he has many people to stay there. Doesn’t go there much himself, either — tax reasons. Careful with the groats, that one. Looks after his bawbees, too.”

The Ghost tossed me a coin. A familiar bearded face with angry eyebrows scowled from it. There was a big gothic G on the other side.

Glancing around the shops on the Royal Mile — “Sean’s Mile, you mean?” said the Ghost — it suddenly became clear. In every window, gone were the pound signs, replaced on the price tags by the big G and a lower-case b. The “Andy Murray, Grand Slam champion 2020” commemorative shortbread was reduced to 9 groats and 99 bawbees a kilo.

“Aye, we are metric,” said the Ghost. “Wee Alex Salmond didnae like the sound of imperial measures. Reminded him too much of the evil, old empire.”

Surely Salmond wanted to hold on to the pound?

“Aye — but he also wanted all the oil money,” said the Ghost, “and he didnae want any part of the Sassenach £1.2 trillion debt. He couldnae have all three. So he went for the oil, the mingin’ numpty!”

But North Sea oil must have made Scotland a few quid — I mean, groats?

“Aye, Scottish National Oil made a whole pile of groats,” said the Ghost, who turned out to be quite the economist, “but wee Alex spent even more. The problem was, the wee bampot hadn’t done his sums.”

The Ghost paused outside St Giles’s Cathedral as he ran through the list of things promised by the first minister when the white paper on Scotland’s future was published in November 2013: free term-time childcare for all three and four-year-olds; an end to the bedroom tax; continued membership of the national lottery; a Scottish Broadcasting Service.

“We still get all the best English television programmes — except Downton Abbey,” said the Ghost. “Banned on class grounds. Oh, and the SBS couldn’t afford ITV’s fees — couldnae get the advertising.”

A chilling curtain of rain came sweeping up the hill from Leith, as the list of promises went on and on: increased benefits and tax thresholds; the abolition of universal credit; new wind farms and marine energy schemes, as part of Salmond’s promise that 100% of Scotland’s electricity would come from green sources by 2020.

“That hasn’t quite happened,” said the Ghost, pointing to a lone turbine, turning limply in the Firth of Forth. “And it didn’t help when the Grangemouth refinery was occupied by Trotskyite trade unionists.

“Still, good old Fidel has got his hands on some Venezuelan oil for us. Even in his nineties, he won’t miss a chance to bash the Trots. Turns out wee Nicola Sturgeon studied Castro’s Denunciation of the Role of Trotskyism and the Fourth International in his closing speech to the 1966 Havana Tricontinental Congress for her history highers. They often Skype each other.”

What about all that Scottish oil, then? Wasn’t that the stuff that greased the whole white paper, the fuel that powered Scottish independence? Didn’t the SNP predict that Scottish GDP per head would be 20% higher than the UK’s?

“It might have worked,” said the Ghost, as we walked back down Sean’s Mile, “but wee Alex promised too much with too little. The energy price freeze didn’t help either. They borrowed that off yon prime minister who looked like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit.”

Ed Miliband, it turned out, had swept to power at Westminster in 2015 — and swept out of power shortly after when he lost his Scottish MPs on independence day and the Labour government collapsed.

Like all his friends, the Ghost was out of work, although he had a PhD from St Andrews University in macroeconomics. At least, he had no student loan to repay. “Didn’t cost me a bawbee,” said the Ghost, “No tuition fees for Scots. Double tuition fees for all foreigners. Oh, except Englishmen — they pay triple.”

What about if you’re from Wales? Or Northern Ireland? “You mean the Republics of Wales and Ulster?”

Oh yes, they got independence, too. As did the Isle of Man and Catalonia. Al-Qaeda in the Islamic Maghreb seized Andalucia, and Italy reverted to a series of independent states. Silvio Berlusconi is now King of Lombardy.

By 2024, large areas of Scotland will have become Trumplandia So what happened to the EU? “Oh, it’s still going strong,” said the Ghost. “We weren’t allowed back in, because we didn’t pass the economic tests. Nor were Wales or Northern Ireland. And your prime minister, yon Farage — the one who’s partial to a bevvy and a fag — he took England oot, too. Sweden, Finland and Denmark joined Greater Norway; and Vladimir Putin used Arctic oil to bribe the eastern members to switch to his Eurasian Union. So that left Germany and France in the EU. Oh, and Belgium.” “Come with me,” said the Ghost, “I’ll show you what happened to the rest of Scotland.”

We continued down the hill towards the national parliament, which was emblazoned with the huge new Scottish coat of arms — a gold salmon and sturgeon rampant on a field of azure.

At the main entrance, a single soldier in a saltire-plastered uniform paraded up and down, looking marvellously robust in the driving rain.

“Aye, the Scottish army is a marvellous thing,” said the Ghost, gazing at the soldier with pride, “No one can say we didn’t pull that one off!”

So Salmond had fulfilled his great promise in the white paper of 2013: a new Scottish defence force, consisting of 15,000 regular soldiers and a new intelligence and security agency? “Well, not quite,” said the Ghost, a little crestfallen. “That splendid fellow” — the Ghost pointed at the strutting soldier — “is the new Scottish defence force. But he’s real quality, works weekends and knows how to handle a sgian-dubh. Don’t you, Alastair?”

The marching soldier beamed back with the subtlest of nods, as he stomped over to his sentry box.

And what about the intelligence and security agency? “Ah! They decided against SMI5 and SMI6,” said the Ghost. “Canny move, that one. They’ve got Edward Snowden and Julian Assange to do all their spying for them. Alastair helps oot, too. We’ve given him an old Amstrad with dial-up internet access. Gets it all done in the evenings.”

But Scotland stayed in Nato, didn’t it? “Sad story that,” said the Ghost. “Bloody Yanks. Said we couldn’t stay in unless we kept the nuclear submarines at Faslane. Alastair offered to keep an eye on the Trident missiles, didn’t you?”

Alastair nodded again, almost imperceptibly, from inside the sentry box.

“But there was no way he could get over to the west coast, and be back in time for tea with his mother in Musselburgh.”

The English had moved their nuclear missiles to Devonport, then? “Och, no,” said the shocked Ghost. “There’s nae way the Independent Republic of Devon and Cornwall would put up with that! The People’s State of Wessex didnae want them either. So the MoD keep the missiles in a shed in the back garden of Downing Street — they put the subs in a marina near Battersea.”

The Ghost led me down the hill to Waverley station. Gone was the man in the kilt and the tam o’shanter who used to play the bagpipes for Japanese tourists outside the train station.

“Oh, he got rid of his kilt years ago — wears a pair of tracky bots these days,” said the Ghost. “Disnae bother with the bagpipes either — terrible noise, I always thought. So the Japanese stopped giving him any bawbees, the tight wee dunderheeds.

“By the way, ye’ll have brought your passport? The Scottish National Rail Border Police can be a right bunch of scunners. Ye’ll no get through Hadrian’s Wall without it, on the way back.”

It wasn’t just the railways that had been renationalised. As we passed the rusting hulk of a Scottish Leyland Skyver 4×4 in the station car park, I received a text from ScotCom. Welcome to Scotland, it said, all calls are free except to or from England.

“Aye, but liberty is grand, isn’t it? Ye cannae put a price on that!” said the Ghost as we settled into our universal class seats. First class had been abolished by the Scottish national equality directive.

“Remember to set your watch to Scottish East Coast Time,” said the Ghost cheerily as we headed north. “We’re an hour ahead of Glasgow Very Mean Time.”

Flower of Scotland, now the official national anthem, came over the PA, sung in Scots and then Gaelic by Wee Alex and Susan Boyle on permanent repeat.

“A wee drink?” The Ghost gestured to the trolley rattling down the aisle, piled high with tins of Irn-Bru and McEwan’s. After an hour on the train I felt more like a large scotch.

“A Japanese, you mean?” the Ghost said, with a hollow laugh. “Wee Alex flogged the whisky industry to Tokyo a few years back, when the oil started to run oot.”

I settled for a strong tea and stared out of the window. Off to our right, a mighty wind was whipping the North Sea into high peaks of snow-white foam. To our left, you could just make out the purple-green glens of the Cairngorms. The only people to be seen for miles around were a few doughty golfers driving into the stiff east breeze. They could take away whisky from the Scots; but they could never take away Scotland!

“Erm, except they did,” said the Ghost, a little shamefaced. “But, rest assured, wee Alex got a tremendously good price from Donald. Trumplandia isn’t all golf courses! Well, it is — but we held on to Edinburgh, Glasgow and any built-up area where you can’t hit a three wood safely.”

As Alex and Susan sang “O Fhlùir na h-Alba, cuin a chì sinn . . .” for the 12th time, I dozed off and began to dream of fish. I woke to a terrible smell of burnt haddock. The train was pulling in to Arbroath. The ghost smiled triumphantly.

“A little something to eat, mebbes?” he asked. “Wee Alex never did say in 2013 what would happen when the oil ran out. Well, now you know. They may take our livelihoods but they’ll never take our Arbroath smokies!

“There’s no haggis any more — that went with the tartan. Or try our national dish. They deep-fry the Mars bar at your seat.”

Um, right, so, that’s a thing that happened, then. As you were, readers.

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    177 to “The Mars bar at your seat”

    1. Tom says:

      Look up the author on Wikipedia. All your preconceptions and prejudices crashing head on into his. Satisfying.

    2. steven luby says:

      Just………odd! Reads like Better Togetherness fact sheet.

    3. pa_broon74 says:

      About as funny as a pod of beached whales.

      That is all.

    4. Andrew Morton says:

      Well, this is ridiculous, the trams already run along Princes Street and the rain always sweeps down to Leith, not up from it!

    5. Janine says:

      *opens and closes mouth several times*

      Sorry, the ridiculousness of that just melted my brain.

    6. Doug Daniel says:

      So THAT’S where John Barrowman got his material from!

      Sweden, Finland and Denmark joined Greater Norway

      Unionists really don’t understand the concept of small, well-run nations, do they?

    7. Andrew Morton says:

      “Harry Mount is David Cameron’s second cousin and his Father Sir Ferdinand Mount was an adviser to Margaret Thatcher”

      Enough said.

    8. Paul says:

      What in the badgers arse is this? … Not sure if satire or the actual ravings of a pompous self serving bigoted nugget, perhaps both?

    9. Cath says:

      “the country’s capital seems, at first glance, utterly unchanged. Arthur’s Seat still looms majestically over the Athens of the North. ”

      Och well, at least that scare story about separation creating such geological upheaval old volcanoes may become active again and the whole of Edinburgh could be destroyed in a cataclysmic eruption turned out to be unfounded then.

      A crumb of comfort there.

    10. Murray McCallum says:

      But by 2024 did Harry Mount’s parents have any success in claiming back the money they wasted on his education?

      PS Fair dues to the Cuban NHS for keeping Fidel alive. 97 and still going. Just as well he doesn’t live in a country where you have to drink the water from your bedside vase to stay alive.

    11. Cath says:

      “Sir Ferdinand Mount ”

      He sounds like a randy Monty Python character.

    12. Finnzz says:

      Sorry, is there a punch line to this, or is that coming later…
      Perhaps its one of John Barrowpersons lost scripts

    13. G H Graham says:

      Such a dreary piece that after the first two paragraphs, I decided to put it away & read the terms & conditions of my electric utility agreement instead.

    14. heedtracker says:

      Talk about upper class twit. Wiki says the author background is “Westminster School and read Ancient and Modern History at Magdalen College, Oxford, where he was a member of the Bullingdon Club” or probably the most expensive education in the Western world and all it does is produce chumps like this.

    15. Robert Louis says:

      Of course what the ignoramus who wrote this diatribe forgot to say, is that currently, Scotland’s GDP is 99% of the UK GDP, the oil is extra, over and above that.

      It’s a silly piece of writing, worthy only of showing to those who are currently undecided, in order to get them to vote YES.

      Patronising, pig-ignorant, English rubbish of the very worst kind.

    16. Helpmaboab says:

      Tom said, “Look up the author on Wikipedia” and, God help me, I did so.

      I refuse to believe that such a person could exist in real life. “Harry Mount” is obviously a minor character from a novel that PG Wodehouse never got round to publishing.

    17. Ken500 says:

      What?

    18. Grendel says:

      Did.
      Not.
      Read.

    19. iclare1 says:

      Jings. Big Jessie of a journo

    20. Conan_the_Librarian says:

      Bullingdon Club.

      Says it all.

    21. pmcrek says:

      Got a paragraph in and stopped because its pish.

    22. Ken500 says:

      Surely not

      ‘The King and I – how Elvis shaped my life’

      The ghostly theme.

    23. AnneDon says:

      I wish you’d said Bullingdon club at the start, then I wouldn’t have bothered to struggle thru’ the first turgid paragraphs.

      Obviously writing style isn’t a consideration in the toffs’ expensive education.

      At least it’s only in the Sunday Times. People only read that to have their prejudices confirmed.

    24. velofello says:

      C’mon, loosen up, he is a young silly teenager. Isn’t he?

    25. Training Day says:

      Dinna fret, Harry, John Barrowman and yon Krankies will still be around tae fetch the deid grouse and remove the shot so yer lardship can enjoy oor finest Scottish kweeseen wance yer lardly duties are done fur the day..

    26. patronsaintofcats says:

      @Cath – OK, that made me laugh out loud.

      O/T there are a couple of pish packed stories up on the Guardian website, one complete with photo of Mel Gibson and a plea not to get a divorce because England will haz a sad. Love bombs away!

    27. Dick Gaughan says:

      Is that meant to be humour? England’s produced some very funny writers, but few of them were ex-members of the Bullingdon Club – they wouldn’t recognise a joke if it had “Joke” written on it in big letters. Unless, of course, it mentioned “shooting peasants haw haw”.

      Don’t give up the day job.

    28. Jimmuckmc says:

      I wonder if next week you could get them to continue their journey down to London and report back to us ,,,,,,,,,,,,,just askin

    29. gillie says:

      Failed barrister, failed journalist, failed author, failed humourist, failed member of the British establishment.

    30. CameronB says:

      An imaginative appeal to rally support for unionism and, at the same time, a crassly insulting polemic that shrieks “Scotland is crap”. Quite remarkable.

      The author’s pedigree is duly noted.

    31. Ken500 says:

      Father – adviser to Thatcher, second cousin to Cameron and obsessed by mother’s ghost.

    32. Paul says:

      Can we do one of Scotland in the same year if we remain in the union all we would need is a picture of the Sahara desert because that is what we will become.

    33. Roboscot says:

      WTF

    34. Diane Sutherland says:

      I’m with Jimmuckmc, let’s get a similar article looking at London in 10 years time on the go, now where to start ….

    35. SquareHaggis says:

      Read.
      And.
      Wept.

    36. Paula says:

      If this story was more realistic, Scotland would have been invaded by Putin’s fleet the day after Dependence, and made a satellite state of the Sovi… sorry Eurasian Union. Faslane would be re-opened, the home of Putin’s new Bawbagov class nuclear submarines. Absolutely necessary of course, to protect Scotland and Glorious Mother Russia from evil American and English imperialists…

      Long live the Democratic People’s Republic of Scotland!

    37. Shaun Milne says:

      It’s like Northumbria Times but worse. Think I need a shower.

    38. CameronB says:

      I was tittering away to my self, SquareHaggis.

    39. Murray McCallum says:

      These harm offensives will be a massive hit for the No campaign.

      It’s top drawer proud Scottery.

    40. Kalmar says:

      O/t whatever is on radio 4 just now, quite interesting.

    41. Jim T says:

      and I keep asking … if we’re such a basket case, why do “they” still want to hang on to us?

      Got about three or four sentences in and skipped to the erudite debate at the foot. Much more rewarding.

    42. david says:

      he obviously believes the scots cant tie their own shoelaces so why the fuck would this guy want to keep us?

    43. Jim T says:

      radio 4

      ON AIR NOW PROGRAMMES Start Time 20:00 – End Time 20:30
      Does Scandinavia Want Scotland?
      Could an independent Scotland align itself with the Nordic Pact? Allan Little investigates

    44. Tamson says:

      Rarely can an individual’s connections have had to sustain so little talent.

    45. Futureproof says:

      Harry Mount’s privileged background and silver spoon fed education couldn’t prevent him from arsing up his law career. Not to worry old chap, family friends and Bullingdon Club connections will see you right. If you want to live in a country where privileged no marks like this are entitled to bend the ear of the public through a national newspaper, not because they are outstanding journalists, but because they went to the right schools and are related to the right people, then vote No. If you’d like to see him working in a call centre, vote Yes.

    46. RedStarTrout says:

      Can’t type a fhdhgkdnhb comment, my fdhgkfgkj jaw keeps hitting the fdkgdkjghkj keyboard.

    47. msean says:

      Rev,did you have to decipher this piece from crayon?

    48. RICHARD says:

      Is the radio documehtary by the same guy thag did thevtv documentary looking at the same thing. He didn’t think that scotland could do it like the scandi countries. Probably saved you all from wasting your time

    49. William Duguid says:

      Good God Almighty.

      A writer only Dr. Spooner would recognise as a shining wit.

    50. X_Sticks says:

      I’m quite sure all the LondonScots found this very funny. I bet David Cameron wet his nappy when he read it.

      Maybe Harry was trying to elicit some of the Dully Heil’s offensive bile from those nasty Cybernats for this weeks editions.

    51. Helpmaboab says:

      G. Campbell,

      You wouldn’t let it lie!

    52. alexicon says:

      An article that is design to denigrate and it captures the too small, too poor and too stupid down to a tee.
      They put Grangemouth in Fife FFS.

    53. Michael says:

      Mother.
      Of.
      God.

    54. Aidan says:

      Unreadable. The poor quality of both the humour and the writing is strangely reassuring.

    55. DAVY says:

      Shite.

    56. alexicon says:

      Forgive, I meant to say: it captures their attitude of us being too small…

    57. Alisdair says:

      I used to be called FRISP (fcuking repulsive ignorant scottish pig)when I served in the Royal Navy, depending on who said it I would either laugh it off or remember the insult. This is one of the remembering ones, not funny, not funny at all.

    58. msean says:

      At least if the border is Hadrian’s Wall,then Berwick will have voted to return to Scotland-as well as a large chunk of the north of England.

    59. david says:

      this is a very small minority who hold these views on scotland. the vast majority are decent human beings.

    60. As funny as catching your bits in your zipper.

    61. Famous15 says:

      As my sainted grandmother used to say,”they are more to be pitied than laughed at”

    62. Jim Mitchell says:

      You don’t think that he could be biased against a YES vote do you?

    63. Ian Brotherhood says:

      Every bit as humorous as burning fifty-pound notes in front of homeless people.

    64. Luigi says:

      According to Darling and Lamont, we are Better Together with this lot…

      Aye right!

    65. Seasick Dave says:

      What is the target audience? Proud Scots?

    66. mamaclanger says:

      Oh dear oh dear. They really do think the empire still exists don’t they??
      What’s the distribution of the Sunday Times anyway??

    67. Jim says:

      As the first post suggested, checked him out on Wikipedia. Another Bullingdon boy whose education was lost on him. I wonder if he was the one that tore up a £50 note in the face of a tramp in order to gain entry to this exclusive club! And regular contributor to the Daily Mail!

      Their arrogance and feelings of superiority know no bounds. Who wants to share a state with such cretins?

      Well, apart from Jim Murphy and Kezia Dugdale etc.

    68. G. Campbell says:

      Better Together and their Daily Mail allies get all their ideas from Scarfolk Council.

      http://scarfolk.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/thought-detector-vans-1973.html

    69. Dramfineday says:

      Oh Dear!

    70. Tony Little says:

      Couldn’t get past the first few paragraphs. It his probably thought to be a “hoot” among a certain “set” in the pro-dependency circuit.

    71. Mealer says:

      The people I speak to are wanting more sensible debate and less of this kind of nonsense.That said,there is always a place for humour.Note to rev…please notify us if you come across any.

    72. john king says:

      Whats this sound?

      Its the sound of a one handed man clapping.

    73. murtam says:

      Just another reason to vote YES!

    74. handclapping says:

      A Christmas Carol meets an idiot. The idiot wins.

      @john king
      OI! Stop taking my handle in vain 🙂

    75. G. Campbell says:

      Before John Barrowman there was Kak.

      This public information poster is from the “Don’t” campaign, which started in 1973.

      The campaign’s mascot was called Kak the bird. To disseminate the ‘Don’t’ message among the youth, all school corporal punishment, daily vaccinations, and dentistry had to be carried out by an adult dressed as Kak.

      Parents were also encouraged to dress as Kak then rush in on their young, sleeping children at 3am, and screech as loudly as they could: “Don’t, don’t, don’t.

      http://scarfolk.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/the-dont-campaign-and-kak-1973.html

    76. john king says:

      I’ve got a pal at work who spoke to me about “separation” (sic) and asked me to answer some questions about it as he was aware of my veiws,
      and to fair to him his question were reasonable and worthy of a response so first up was
      will we be chucked out of the EU,
      next was “will be allowed (ha ha)to keep the pound
      Will Spain vote us out (see question one)
      will there be travel restriction with England,
      how will we be able to defend ourselves (my favourite question)

      And to be honest, I set about emailing him back my responses one question at a time and gave a lot of detail as to why our position was sound, and by the time I had sent all questions back to him he was off shift so I didn’t get a response,

      But do you know what? I was proud of myself because every answer was from my own knowledge of the issues and were (I hope he agrees) cogent and reasonable responses I am
      chuffed with myself it rubbin aff Stu.

    77. david says:

      bbc scotlandshire in good form.

    78. Read Mr Mount’s Article. Laugh? I nearly did. Even then it was not so much with him as at him.

      Even this sort of junk can be partially redeemed if it is thoughtfully constructed and humourous. Alas, it was neither.

      It just goes to show it’s not what you know, it’s who you know – that’s what gets you places.

      Mr Mount is a racist dolt. His unfunny, fingernails-screeching-on-blackboard bigotry, evinces the cognitive awareness of a lobotomised fruit fly, and the political acumen of a cold mince pie.

      And it is people just like him, dangerous to themselves and others, who are manning the levers of power in Westminster, and on referendum day it will serve Scots well to remember it.

    79. Angus McLellan says:

      @G. Campbell: Scarfolk. Absolute genius from Richard Littler. I think I saw he’s got a book coming out this year. Yay!

    80. Gin says:

      Apologies if this has already been posted – but my first thought was who could possibly has written something like this. Wikipedia tells me:

      Harry Mount (born 1971) is an English author and journalist, since 2009 a frequent contributor to the Daily Mail

      His father Sir Ferdinand Mount, Bt., is also a journalist, and was an advisor to Margaret Thatcher. He is a second cousin of the current British Prime Minister, David Cameron. Harry Mount lives in Kentish Town.

      … ah well all becomes clear then. Perhaps he’ll offer to come up and debate next.

    81. heedtracker says:

      ON AIR NOW PROGRAMMES Start Time 20:00 – End Time 20:30
      Does Scandinavia Want Scotland? Here in ABZ, I can’t move for IKEA kitchen, IKEA soft and hard furniture, pots and pans, plants, kids toys, meat balls, vodka, crisps and in the summer, IKEA deck chairs and IKEA swing. So yes, if Sweden wants Scotland, Scotland certainly wants Sweden.

    82. Schiehallion! Schiehallion! says:

      I can’t imagine what Harry Mountebank’s old man might have written about, oh, I don’t know, say Kenya tearing itself away from the English tit.

    83. Erratum

      “And it is people just like him, dangerousa danger to themselves and others …”

    84. ronnie anderson says:

      Am lost fur word,s, ah wonder if a 10 pound hammer would

      kick start ma funny bone.

    85. HandandShrimp says:

      We are indeed in their eyes too wee, too stupid and too poor.

      It would have been better half the length and four times funnier though. Still, I am sure they chortled till they stopped in Milton Keynes.

    86. Bill McLean says:

      Just proves that there are some down south whose ignorance is only outdone by their arrogance!

    87. Calum Craig says:

      Keep telling myself, “people like this are the exception”, over and over…

    88. scottish_skier says:

      We are indeed in their eyes too wee, too stupid and too poor.

      Just proves that there are some down south whose ignorance is only outdone by their arrogance

      Arrogance is a symptom of deep inner insecurity and jealousy of those who are content / happy and confident.

      His problem though, not ours.

    89. Bill C says:

      Sorry to go o/t but this is good. They say every picture tells a story!
      https://scontent-a-lhr.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/t1/p320x320/1551496_267777183381306_889546334_n.jpg

    90. castle hills chavie says:

      Dave Beveridge…OOooohhhh

      G. Campbell, brilliantly, surreal

    91. Craiging_619 says:

      The Isle of Man is already independent, and has been for all of our lifetimes. Labour don’t need a single Scottish MP to win UK elections. The USA actually want the entire UK to ditch Trident, preferably sooner rather than later.

      Hang on…

      WHY AM I TAKING THIS MAN SERIOUSLY?!?!?

    92. Bill C says:

      o/t don’t shoot me Stu but this is very interesting: Labour and Tories now neck and neck in latest poll:http://www.comres.co.uk/poll/1080/independent-political-poll.htm

    93. Papadocx says:

      Harry has an impeccable pedigree. Surprised he hasn’t been best of breed at Cruffs or did I miss that one.

      The proud Scots, have another superior to follow into serfdom. Just the type the pseudo middle class proud Scots admire. Think Harry might be upper class. Makes you think, does Harry want us to stay or does he want us to go?

      Are we supposed to bow, grovel & scrape. FFS Give me strength.

    94. call me dave says:

      I see Dr Robertson is having another pop at the BBC over his data and conclusions being disparaged about bias.

      NNS. Site.

    95. Ian Sanderson says:

      I normally ‘Share’ the articles with Facebook….

      Not tonight Josephine….

    96. X_Sticks says:

      O/T Blair Jenkins Blair MacDougall on ICM poll on Scotland Tonight now.

    97. FraserP says:

      President Sean Connery will be 94 in 2024. Dear old Sean, Mandela he ain’t.

    98. bjsalba says:

      Can someone write the riposte story “Welcome to London rUK”? With equal venom as this piece of Rubbish?

    99. Big Al says:

      I thought this Harry Mount character was the lead singer of that Boy band ‘No Direction’

    100. Betsy says:

      Either the unionists are having an early silly season or they’re hoping we’ll all be too busy pointing and laughing at them to campaign for a Yes vote. Extraordinary!

    101. TheGreatBaldo says:

      Ok a quick straw poll…..

      Who thinks Blair McDougall is personally getting briefings from the Governor of the Bank of England as he’s just claimed on Scotland Tonight ?

      He give the impression he knows exactly what Mark Carney will say when he comes north..

      Who knew our Blair was so well embedded in the ConDem Coalition that they would give him economically sensitive briefings ?

      Alternatively of course he could just have been bullshitting it….I mean his lip were moving of all the signs were there. 😉

      So Informed or Bullshitter ?

    102. O/T or is it? Logic’s Rock: Daily Mail’s Witchfinder-General Graham Grant in Cahoots with Nazi Thug http://logicsrock.blogspot.com/2014/01/daily-mails-witchfinder-general-graham.html

    103. Les Wilson says:

      Well,he looks a toff who would do his pants if you said boo to him. Absolutely one of the biggest load of rubbish I have ever read.So this is what a toff’s education gets you?

    104. faolie says:

      Ho ho ho, such hilarity. This must have been written by someone who thinks England still has an empire and it’s simply hilarious to lampoon the natives of one their dependencies. Goodbye then. After we’ve gone, you’ll still have Wales and Northern Ireland to make fun of in your ridiculous and pathetically embarrassing way.

    105. TheGreatBaldo says:

      OT : Good sleuthing there Roddy min….

      One though, maybe Grant is about to do an expose on Skinner ?

      Granted it’s an outside chance, but if they rubbish just one single CyberBrit the Mail can then proclaim to the world they are ‘Fair & Balanced’.

      Skinner’s far right past makes him the ideal patsy…I mean if you’ve got genuine vile bigoted extremists on one side then you can imply that ‘the other side is just as bad’ and also made up of evil bigoted extremists.

      Sadly the majority of their readership will swallow that whole.

    106. Ian Brotherhood says:

      Find it hard to believe that The Sunday Times soiled itself by publishing such shite.

      Have linked this before, but it does seem apt, and is considerably ‘funnier’:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-cR88io34o

      (Pedantic PS – The Times and The Sunday Times are the only newspapers which insist on capitalising ‘the’, and are duly referred to, on a legal basis, accordingly. Seriously.)

    107. Flower of Scotland says:

      These people Harry Mount ( whoever he is ! ) Cameron , Westminster etc obviously don’t like Scotland and they are peeved because we are letting them know we don’t like them either ! SO stop trying to keep us in the UK and LET US GO !!

    108. Kev says:

      Well thats 5 mins of my life il never get back, dearie fckin me…

    109. @TheGreatBaldo

      Haha! If he wasn’t, maybe he will now.

    110. mario says:

      Scots r: sensible move.

    111. Famous15 says:

      I said to my friends at last year’s rally that it would be a bad idea because in 2014 we would all be busy getting the message out by leafletting and doorstepping etc. The social aspect will be missed but smaller gathering up and down the country after a days effort can still be arranged.My relatives from north of Inverness found the trip expensive but this year they are holding local rallies/meetings instead.

    112. GrahamB says:

      Calm down everyone, this guy is not worth getting steamed up about. There will be lots of this puerile nonsense flying about, some from our side too. What we should be annoyed about is that a once reasonably respected paper should publish such a pathetic piece. Obvious solution is not to buy the rag and advise everyone you can influence to shun it too – I think my brother gets it, he’s on our side too, so I’ll point him towards this thread and expect he’ll stop wasting his money. (I assume it was published in the Scottish edition or were they chicken and played the racist card in their ‘home’ editions).

    113. Lobeydosser says:

      OT. A wee piece about a Yes Skye event. Donald does a great job in the comments.

      http://skyeblogdotme.wordpress.com/2013/10/05/yes-skye-is-not-dull/

    114. James123 says:

      I was just reading the blog of that bastion of impartiality Prof. Curtice and thought I’d check out the comments below his article. There is a unionist on there arguing quite seriously that independence will probably be followed by decades of bloodshed and economic collapse.

      It makes me wonder if these people, most of whom are quite normal, suffer from some kind of insanity when it comes to the question of independence. It is actually difficult to argue with them because what they’re saying is so gobsmackingly mental. At times they’re like one of those tramps in the street who shout incoherent drivel at passers by. Yet you could have a discussion with them about any other subject and they would come across and rational and sane people.

    115. Taranaich says:

      … I can’t take this. Really, I can’t. I just…

      I have to do something!

      Haud me back…

      HAUD ME BACK DAMMIT

      TOO LATE!

      Tally-Ho, Welcome to the New Free England

      No tea, no cricket and no grass. What a strange independent England King George will oversee from his tax haven in 2027, predicts Taranaich.

      London, 2027: 10 years after the English voted “Ya” to independence, the country’s capital seems, at first glance, utterly unchanged. The Palace of Westminster still looms majestically over the Old Smoke. The ladies of Notting Hill retain their precise Hyacinth Bucket elocution. And they still haven’t sorted out the constant fires.

      But follow the Ghost of England Future through the city, and you’ll gradually notice the seismic changes that swept across the country after it became independent in 2019. For a start, there’s not a cup of tea to be seen.

      “Dear me, no,” said the Ghost, “We only ever drank that rot to show we were different from those Sweaty Socks, Micks and Welshies. Don’t need all that English rubbish any more. The same with those silly hats. They were hell to wear — doffing it when a lady came by revealed a rather messy ‘do, to be frank.”

      Surely all that other stuff goes on? Morris Dancing? The Queen having guests at the Royal Variety Performance?

      “Ah yes, old Brenda? King Charles succeeded her yurs ago after she seemed a trigle less than enthusiastic about the Great War Centenary Celebrations. Then he had a bit of a tumble on holiday abroad – Cardiff, I think it was – and we have our lovely King George now.”

      So she just comes to Buckingham Palace on his holidays now?

      “Buckingham Palace?” said the Ghost, “Ah! You refer to Synerdyn Systems’ call centre. No old chap, after our Dear Leader For Life Lord Cameron privatised every public service, he saw fit to extend that to the Royals too. King George’s current residence is a tourist attraction built to bring in the Harry Potter fans – they love all that, dontchanow. All proceeds written off for tax reasons, naturally: can’t be too careful in this environment. Every guinea counts – every shilling, too!”

      The Ghost tossed me a coin. A familiar face like a melting blancmange stared gormlessly out. There was a big gothic G on the other side.

      Glancing around the shops on Soho — “Kitchener Street, you mean?” said the Ghost — it suddenly became clear. In every window, gone were the pound signs, replaced on the price tags by the big G and a lower-case s. The “Andy Murray, Grand Slam champion 2020” commemorative biscuits was reduced to 9 guineas and 19 shillings a clove.

      “Oh, of course we went back to the old system,” said the Ghost. “We decided that since the Empire was long behind us, we should hold on to anything remotely imperial we can take.”

      Surely part of the dispute between Scotland and England was ownership of the pound?

      “Very true – but after the Dear Leader attempted to renege on allowing Scots their fair share of assets while still demanding their share of the £1.2 trillion debt, the Scots abandoned the pound. Without Scottish trade revenue from oil, whisky and renewables, the pound became worthless. So he decided “well, if the Guinea was good enough for Palmerston, it’s good enough for me, chaps!”

      But the money saved from the Barnett Formula must have made England a few quid — I mean, guineas?

      “Jolly right, those billions came back” said the Ghost, who turned out to be quite the economist, “but Cameron didn’t account for the Scots’ tax revenue, and most importantly, Trident. Without Faslane, there was nowhere for it to go in the UK, so instead of scrapping it, he sank trillions of guineas into building a new facility to house the replacement.”

      The Ghost paused outside St Paul’s Cathedral as he ran through the list of things promised by the Prime Minister: continued protection of banker’s bonuses from the tyrannical EU; stricter border controls from opportunistic refugees; an end to the benefit culture which was destroying Britain from within; a continued plan of austerity to encourage the workers of England to better themselves by sacrificing basic necessities in order to serve their betters.

      “We still get all the best English television programmes — especially Benefits Street, now running its 34th series,” said the Ghost. “Just a shame Disabled Liars didn’t run so long, but the numbers of disabled people in England mysteriously plummeted, so pretty soon there weren’t any at all. Goes to show it’s working, what ho!”

      A chilling curtain of rain came sweeping up the hill from East Anglia, as the list of promises went on and on: decreased benefits and tax thresholds; the abolition of universal suffrage; new fracking and workfare schemes, as part of Cameron’s promise that the workshy of Britain would be eliminated one way or another.

      “That hasn’t quite happened,” said the Ghost, pointing to a lone green patch in a desolate wasteland, surrounded by fracking stations, belching black clouds into the air. “And it didn’t help when those rowdy students occupied Trafalgar square. A few of BoJo’s water cannons sorted that out sharpish.

      “Still, good old Vlad sent in a few of his former KGB pals to settle their hash. Even in his sixth term as president, he won’t turn down a chance to brutalise young people, wot wot? Turns out Theresa May studied Putin’s Munich Speech and the Victory Day Moscow Military Parades speech for her history highers. They often Skype each other. Only politicians are allowed access to the internet, of course.”

      What about all that austerity, then? Wasn’t that the stuff that greased the whole agenda, the fuel that powered English independence? Didn’t the Conservatives predict that England would be overrun with foreigners unless we acted?

      “It might have worked,” said the Ghost, as we walked back down Kitchener Street, “but eventually the ungrateful oiks started to leave England in droves. Entire towns were emptied. Just as well we paved them over for some lovely new Amazon warehouses. I think that nice Miliband boy works there now.”

      Ed Miliband, it turned out, had led the Labour party to its most crushing defeat, as the disenfranchised working class voted for UKIP in droves, while the better-off went to the Conservatives.

      Like all his friends, the Ghost was technically out of work, but since he looked at the Job centre from across the road one day, he was technically classed as employed under the dramatic new additions to the workfare scheme. Of course, there are no foreigners here, having been forcefully expelled in 2021.

      What about if you’re from Wales? Or Northern Ireland? “You mean the Republics of Wales and Ireland?”

      Oh yes, they got independence, too. As did the Basques and Catalonia. The Walloons took Flanders, Normandy and Britanny became autonomous, and northern Italy became Padania, currently run by Prime Minister Sabrina Ferilli.

      So what happened to the EU? “Oh, it’s still going strong,” said the Ghost. “We wouldn’t have been allowed back in even if we wanted it – which we totes don’t, by the way – because we didn’t pass the basic human rights tests. Scotland, Wales and Ireland did, poor sods. And your prime minister, that Salmond chap — the one who’s partial to a game of golf — he took our place on the Security Council. Sweden, Finland and Denmark didn’t get back together; and Vladimir Putin’s still there. So that left Germany and France in the EU. Oh, and Belgium. And pretty much all the others, except England and Spain.”

      “Come with me,” said the Ghost, “I’ll show you what happened to the rest of England.”

      We continued down the hill towards the national parliament, which was emblazoned with the huge new English coat of arms — A great bulldog standing triumphantly on a pile of dead workers, immigrants and children.

      At the main entrance, a beefeater paraded up and down, looking marvellously robust in the driving rain.

      “Aye, the English army is a marvellous thing,” said the Ghost, gazing at the soldier with pride, “No one can say we didn’t pull that one off!”

      So Cameron had fulfilled his great promise: a replacement for Trident that would ensure they could continue “punching above their weight” on the world stage. “Well, not quite,” said the Ghost, a little crestfallen. “That splendid fellow” — the Ghost pointed at the strutting soldier — “is the Trident replacement. After all the money we spent on HS2 and building the nuclear facility, we didn’t have any money left over to actually build the new weapons. All our other boys are out in foreign countries shooting brown people, of course. But he’s truly formidable quality, works weekends and knows how to handle a bottle. Don’t you, Joffrey?”

      The marching soldier beamed back with the subtlest of nods, as he stomped over to his sentry box.

      And what about the intelligence and security agency? “Ah! Well, after a top agent left a dongle with all our state secrets on the tube, we decided to start over,” said the Ghost. “Crafty move, that one. So we just get the NSA to do all our spying for us. They don’t share any intel with us or tell us anything at all really, but they seem to know what they’re doing, right? Joffrey helps out, too. We’ve given him a few semaphore flags, an instant camera and a carrier pigeon. Gets it all done in the evenings.”

      But England stayed in Nato, didn’t it? “Sad story that,” said the Ghost. “Bloody Yanks. Said we couldn’t stay in unless we agreed to become the 51st state. Joffrey offered to emigrate to South Dakota to see John Barrowman, didn’t you?”

      Joffrey nodded again, almost imperceptibly, from inside the sentry box.

      “But there was no way he could get over to the west coast, and be back in time for tea with his mother in Croyden. I mean, we couldn’t get a ship up to Scotland back when we had an army, so you can imagine the difficulty we have now that our proud navy consists of ten water taxies, the Hull ferry, and sixty-three rubber duckies.”

      The English had moved their nuclear missiles to Devonport, then? “Goodness gracious me,” said the shocked Ghost. “There’s no way the Kingdom of Dumnonia would put up with that nonsense! The Kingdom of Cantia didn’t want them either. So the MoD keep the missiles in a shed in the back garden of Downing Street — they put the subs in a marina near Battersea.”

      The Ghost led me down the hill to Portsmouth. Gone was the great port city of old which was the pride of the British Empire, and the Morris dancer which greets visitors to the station.

      “Oh, he got rid of his tatter-coat years ago — wears a sharp pinstripe suit these days,” said the Ghost. “Doesn’t bother with the hankies either — terribly distracting, I always thought. So without anyone to annoy, he just gave up.

      “By the way, you have your Glorious Imperial English Passport? Norsefire can be rather bull-headed about this sort of thing. You certainly won’t get past the Channel Tunnel without it, on the way back.”

      It wasn’t just the railways that had been privatised. As we passed the rusting hulk of a Morris Minor in the station car park, I received a text from AlbioNet. Welcome to England, it said, all calls are free except to or from anywhere outside England.

      “Ah, but neo-liberty is marvellous, isn’t it? One cannot put a price on that!” said the Ghost as we settled into our seats. Seating classes had been abolished by the English national equality directive, instead preferring to prohibit access to anyone below a £100,000 a year wage to public transport.

      “Remember to set your watch to York Mean Time,” said the Ghost cheerily as we headed north. “We’re an hour ahead of London Treat ‘Em Mean Keep ‘Em Keen Time.”

      “God Save The Queen,” “Jerusalem,” “There Will Always Be An England,” “Three Lions,” and “Who Do You Think You Are Kidding, Mr Hitler?” came over the PA on permanent repeat.

      “A snifter?” The Ghost gestured to the trolley rattling down the aisle, piled high with tins of lager and bottles of lambrini. After an hour on the train I felt like a cup of Earl Grey tea.

      “A cup of Mandarin, you mean?” the Ghost said, with a hollow laugh. “I’m afraid Dear Leader was forced to give back all our tea in reparations to China after that whole Opium Wars palaver, when we started running out of things to privatise.”

      I settled for a strong tea and stared out of the window. Off to our right, a mighty wind was whipping the seainto high peaks of snow-white foam. To our left, you could just make out the now-desolate wastelands of the Midlands. The only people to be seen for miles around were a “scroungers” searching desperately for food and water. They could take away tea from the English; but they could never take away England!

      “Erm, except they did,” said the Ghost, a little shamefaced. “Again, there are only so many things you can privatise, eh? But, rest assured, we got a great price from the Chinese. New Manchuria isn’t all nuclear power stations! Well, it is — but we held on to London, Greater London and any built-up area where the effects of austerity haven’t decimated the local economy. So, erm, just London, then.”

      As we heard “And did those feet in ancient times…” for the 12th time, I dozed off and began to dream of fish. I woke to a terrible smell of boiled cabbage. The train was pulling in to Nottingham: anywhere north of the Humber became the Kingdom of Northumbria. The ghost smiled triumphantly.

      “A little something to nibble, mayhap?” he asked. “Dear Leader never did say in 2013 what would happen when the benefits cheats and scroungers were dealt with. Well, now you know. While there is still more money to be wrung, there’ll always be an England!

      “There’s no fish & chips any more — that went with the tea. Or try our national dish. Blood pudding, from the laziest of workshy peasants. Goes well with the tears of children in poverty.”

      AAAH. Much better.

    116. DRDWOODWARD says:

      Harry Mount.~ “He is a second cousin of the current British Prime Minister, David Cameron” ahhh ok nuff said!

    117. Tinyzeitgeist says:

      OT, It’s not only Scotland the Guardian has taken a dislike to. It seems that life in the Nordic countries is shite as well.
      http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jan/27/scandinavian-miracle-brutal-truth-denmark-norway-sweden

    118. Mary Bruce says:

      @Taranaich – Just glorious, I feel much better now.

    119. Chic McGregor says:

      “So Informed or Bullshitter ?”

      Carney: “No currency Union”.

      AS:”OK, then time to admit there is a Plan B…”

      Carney: “I’ll get back to you!” as he disappears in a vapour trail back to Londonia.

    120. The Water Beastie says:

      Nicely contextualised, Taranaich – one now sees that, of the two accounts, the latter is distinctly more plausible than the former…I take it, from your grasp of the facts, that you weren’t one of the Bullingdon Boys? 😉

    121. Chic McGregor says:

      Taranaich

      Sublime, surrealistic and scarily, sadly, possible.

      Captures the pathos and peculiarly eccentric essence of Englishness which we all love/loath.

      The Prisoner meets 1984.

      Brilliant.

      So glad this wonderful WOS community exists.

    122. Oneironaut says:

      @Taranaich
      Thanks for that! 🙂

      I dare you to send that in to the Sunday Times as a suggestion for the follow up to their previous article! 😉

      Of course in writing that, you’ll likely now be branded a “Vicious Cybernat”, trolling perfectly innocent journalists, ‘cos it’s ok for them to do it, but for us to retaliate in any way is basically online bullying.
      Got to be careful not to hurt their delicate feelings after all…
      *rolls eyes*

    123. Weedeochandorris says:

      Epic Taranaich. Absolutely brilliant. Shame we cant post it in the Daily Mail, that would be a corker eh chaps?

    124. CameronB says:

      James123 says:
      28 January, 2014 at 1:00 am

      …”It makes me wonder if these people, most of whom are quite normal, suffer from some kind of insanity when it comes to the question of independence.”

      Normalcy Bias?
      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Normalcy_bias

    125. john king says:

      “Who thinks Blair McDougall is personally getting briefings from the Governor of the Bank of England as he’s just claimed on Scotland Tonight ?”

      Been there did the screaming at the telly. 🙂

    126. gordoz says:

      Hey Folks – watch the love bombs go off on BBC TV Breakfast News. With a certain Union ‘Campaigner’ James Wallace,

      Who is trying to stop evil resident Scots taking his country away ?

      Its a BBC stoater of an non bias piece – finishes with a British flag at the weathe. Its so sweet & planned really

      Britland fights back.

    127. gordoz says:

      @kendomacaroonbar

      Cheers for the WoS car stickers (excellent) will spread the word now !!

    128. Patrick Roden says:

      Ok folks, the Herald is reporting that Alex Salmond feels there’s ‘wind in the Yes campaigns sails’ after the latest poll showing that 46% of respondents would vote Yes!

      Anyone know about this poll?

    129. Craig P says:

      Times have definitely changed for the better. Thirty years ago this kind of Scotophobic wish fulfilment wasn’t just a Sunday column but a prime time TV series – if you don’t believe me, google ‘snakes and ladders’.

    130. gordoz says:

      @Patrick Roden

      Is that the ICM poll after factoring out dont knows ?

    131. Fergie 35 says:

      More ridiculing of the useless Scots.
      This does the No campaign more harm than good.

    132. Calgacus MacAndrews says:

      I couldn’t get past Harry Mount’s use of the “trams” word in the first paragraph.
      Doesn’t he know that 99% of Scots people stop reading when that word is encountered?
      Or maybe the word is used as a cunning ploy to ensure that only those south of Hadrian’s Wall read the rubbish.

      O/T – Last night I was at a very good YES Badenoch open meeting at Aviemore Primary School. Panel was:-
      Jean Urquhart (Independent MSP)
      Eleanor Scott (Scottish Greens)
      Liz Walker (Women for Independence)
      Councillor Richard Laird (SNP)

      The hall was full, and there looked to be around 180 people there.
      The meeting was opened with Cask (with Gilly) singing Gilly’s YES song “Let Alba Shine”. It was the perfect way to start, and Jean Urquhart said that it should feature at the start of all such meetings.
      Wings and Newsnet got a mention from Liz Walker in connection with the Uni of West of Scotland BBC bias report.
      All of the panel were very impressive and in command of the information and the arguments. I got the feeling that were around zero NOs in the room and maybe 25% max Don’t-Knows.
      Jean Urquhart made the point that there is emerging evidence that many of the “missing million” (who never vote) are coming forward to register to vote.
      She also told the story of a Drumchapel man who will vote in September for the first time because “this time there is something worth voting for”.
      Jean said that she believed YES need to win well in September, and I got the impression she thinks that is probably what is going to happen.

    133. john king says:

      Breaking news
      BBC Englanshire have made a remarkable discovery today of a previously unknown land call Scotlandshire
      and decided to make a foray north to find out what the natives of this new land were like and made an amazing discovery,

      “Lothian council (good god they’ve even got councils)
      has decided to ban parking (and cars as well, who knew?)outside schools (schools?) my god is seems like we might have discovered a whole new civilization we knew nothing about,
      Suddenly Scotland actually exists as far as BBC is concerned , what next love bombing?

    134. sneddon says:

      Harry please, please come to Scotland and do your act. Taranaich excellent piece. 🙂

    135. Bubbles says:

      @ Taranaich

      Thank you.

    136. Peter Macbeastie says:

      Ooh.

      Bad satire.

      Thanks for posting so I could read what passes for satire by an author I have cheerfully never heard of and now wish I hadn’t.

      It can be done substantially better than that; try anything by Sion R Williams… you can find his parables on Facebook… so you’ll probably have to get someone else to look for you, Rev, I know it’s not one of your much favoured outlets. 😉

    137. SquareHaggis says:

      Scotland’s representation in the EU
      BBC parliament now

    138. SquareHaggis says:

      The BBC version MAY CONTAIN SOME B**S

    139. Scarlett says:

      @taranaich

      Brilliant!

    140. Patrick Roden says:

      @Gordoz,

      Not sure bud, but I’m thinking it may be the European polling numbers?

      It’s all part of that one thing that has terrified the Union Jocks the most…a positive momentum.

      Can you feel the positive vibe? can you feel the momentum building? can you feel we are heading for a resounding Yes vote on 18th September?

      Yes!
      Yes!
      Yes! 😉

    141. Schiehallion! Schiehallion! says:

      @ taranaich

      Superb. Flyting back full on. We dip our wings.

    142. bunter says:

      Another nice dig at the biased coverage by our broadcasters by Joan McAlpine in the D.R.

    143. X_Sticks says:

      @taranaich

      Well put that man!

      Great riposte.

    144. msean says:

      Taranaich,that’s better than the original.Well done,very funny.The only difference is that the previous author got(presumedly)paid hunners fur it.

    145. William Duguid says:

      @taranaich

      Loved it.

    146. msean says:

      As I posted on the other thread,do we Scots get to pick what constituency we vote in without staying within its boundary?

    147. Murray McCallum says:

      “Who thinks Blair McDougall is personally getting briefings from the Governor of the Bank of England as he’s just claimed on Scotland Tonight?”

      Me! I believe Blair McDougall would fall for such a spoof account on twitter.

    148. kininvie says:

      The Rev features on list of the accursed in Holy Murphy’s prayer…

      (which shows there’s a differnce between proper wit and childish pish)

      http://www.bbc.scotlandshire.co.uk/index.php/city-news/652-holy-murphys-prayer.html

    149. castle hills chavie says:

      Taranaich

      Sublime.

    150. Jimsie says:

      Good to see that McEwans will be making a comeback. How anyone can drink that John Smiths pish is beyond me.

    151. Jimsie says:

      @Taranaich. Absolutely brilliant. I trust you sent a copy to the Sunday Times.

    152. Flower of Scotland says:

      @taranaich
      Made me feel better ! Great piece !

    153. Gillie says:

      I see Eddi Reader has been kicking Kezia Dugdale’s ass over the Daily Mail’s witch-hunt of cybernats.

    154. Dal Riata says:

      Good god almighty… I could feel my mouth filling with sick after the first paragraph!

      A Bullingdon boy, eh. Is that their level of humour, which fails to rise above that of the sub-pubescent? Is it an upper-class Eton-educated thing?

      You can just imagine one of these twats reading out that child-like drivel while the others in the ‘club’ guffaw, “Oh, I say! Whah, Whah! Whah!”, and jump up and down throwing their ‘champers’ at each other.

      Oh to be rid of the likes of them soon…

    155. Taranaich says:

      Thank you all! I guess I was just mad as hell and couldnae tak any more.

    156. Fiona says:

      On the morning that the death of Pete Seeger is announced there is only one thing which can be said in response to all the scaremongering.

      “We Shall Overcome”

    157. chalks says:

      Folks, Salmond is speaking about the ICM poll when the Don’t know’s are asked to pick a side….it’s actually 47% Yes….

    158. angus says:

      Free duvet cover and pillow with this utterly boring childish attempt at presumably unionist humour……..wonder who will have the last Larf tho?

    159. Lewis Holleran says:

      What did I just read?

      I’m not sure why I’m so surprised with the nonsense that comes from the NO camp, but jeeze-oh! Jeeze-oh!

    160. Spansco says:

      This piece of rubbish from an other Tory idiot gives a glimpse into the mindset of these kind of people. They have no love of Scotland or the Scots and this comes across loud and clear. Perhaps he will do another piece about the ghost of the UK saddled with trillions of debt because of the mishandling of their economy by his public schoolboy chums, when Scotland’s fiscal input is withdrawn. If the UK defaults on it massive debt and the financial institutions relocate to Frankfort, what then for London and the South East. What will they turn their hand to then. I hope they then fall for the UKIP jingoism and see the world turn against them. They will be glad the border with Scotland remains an open one then.

    161. chalks says:

      Anyone else notice the limp genitalia at the bottom of the west coast?

      Fkn tosser.

    162. jingly jangly says:

      Anybody know what the ICM poll in the Herald is saying, I cant get past their firewall, all they are headlining is that woman don’t trust Mr Salmond. Now we know why JoLo was bleating on about the expenses of a Government Trip to the USA last year. Probably about the same time as the poll was conducted.

    163. Albert Herring says:

      @jingly jangly

      Just delete the herald cookies or turn on private browsing.

    164. Thomas William Dunlop says:

      Sad.

      But look on the bright side. If thats what the Bullingdon set think of us in Scotland, well that’s there own problem, not ours. Lets get on with making a new country. It also mean in the event of a YES vote sharp operators like Salmond & Sturgeon will surely a many favourable agreements out of these numbskulls

    165. Bill McLean says:

      A Rangers supporting, nationalist, friend of mine, pointed me in the direction of Bill McMurdo’s blog saying “see what we have to put up with”. I had a wee look last night and put in a few comments, respectfully, but it’s like wading through treacle. You can see where they get their info from straight away. Must say though it is fairly well run with not much abuse except the usual “fat Eck” stuff!

      Apologies to all and for my punishment I’m being taken shopping!

    166. ronnie anderson says:

      @Taranaich,for every arguement, there,s a counter,& behind that counter, is TARANAICH, open all hour,s, an a dirty big TayBerry Triffle wie Shortbread Finger,s tae share,police scotland,in charge of crowd control,at a wee shoppe,tammy,s doffed.

    167. I have to say, that was the biggest pile of shit that could have ever been written. It doesn’t surprise me considering who wrote the damn thing. The sooner we’re rid of the Daily Mail & their right (or should that be reich) wing buddies, the better.

    168. ronnie anderson says:

      @Fiona, ah wonder what prompted Pete Segger to write that song ( WE SHALL OVERCOME )freedom from Tyrant,s perhap,s.

      R.I.P. PETE & the Music NEVER DIES.

    169. Albert Herring says:

      Pete Seeger adapted that song from another Rev who composed the original version. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Tindley

    170. kalmar says:

      @Taranich, much funnier, well done!
      Although “Rusting hulk of a Chinese built Range-Rover” has a better ring to it 🙂

    171. David Smith says:

      Taranaich; thanks, that was a belter.
      Can’t help thinking all the same that (fertility plot aside) Children of Men is a good portrayal of what a continuing UK will be like in ten years time. Maybe less.

    172. Look Skye Walker says:

      He who laughs last, laughs Longest. Vote YES!



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