1. That the Tories hadn’t offered the Lib Dems anything on electoral reform. The sudden, desperate and resentful least-possible offer of a referendum on the absolutely useless AV (which does almost nothing for the Lib Dems) was a panic reaction to Brown’s game-changing resignation.
At least, it’s statistically probable that you do. The majority – 53% – of votes cast by the British electorate last Thursday were worthless, because they were cast for candidates who didn’t win, and are therefore simply thrown in the bin by the First Past The Post electoral system.
So if you were one of the thousands of people locked out of polling stations across the country on Thursday night, don’t fret too much. Your vote would probably have been completely ignored anyway.
Because the aim was a hung parliament, and we got just about the hung-est parliament possible. The Tories need the Lib Dems to form a majority, Labour needs nearly everyone to form a majority, and the smallest parties could yet have the crucial say. Wow, that's hung. But what now?
I haven't been to bed yet. I may be cranky. But with over 90% of results in, it's not really possible to draw any conclusions from last night's election other than (a) almost everyone in Britain is a pathetic, brainless cretin, and (b) everything about our "democracy" is a sick black joke at our expense.
With just two days until an election that could mark either one of the greatest days in British political history or one of the blackest, we're all a bit nervous about the future. But one thing that's great for easing tension is free cash, and that's what appears to be on offer from Stan James this week.
The terrifying image above is Ladbrokes' predicted map of the UK come Friday morning. (You can find much more detail on it here.) It makes a few questionable assertions and contradicts itself in a number of places (eg Glasgow East), but where's the money?
So the debates are over. We've heard at great length from three right-wing politicians, offering us three slightly different flavours of right-wing policies. No alternative voices were permitted.
And the really troubling thing about this election is that that means NOBODY is speaking for the majority of the British population. It almost certainly means that nobody is speaking for you. Which, you might think, is a pretty odd way to be running a supposed democracy.
One of the most striking things about the current election is the BBC's total abandonment of even a pretence at impartiality with regard to the nationalist parties in Scotland and Wales (and other smaller parties like UKIP too), which is most obviously visible in the Corporation's determined exclusion of them from the defining theatre of the campaign – the leaders' debates.
In the light of protests pointing out that excluding what Ofcom defines as "main parties" in Scotland and Wales during an election is against broadcasting regulations, the BBC (and ITV and Sky, although the latter subsequently broke ranks – see above) hastily rebranded the programmes as "Prime Ministerial debates", and insisted that they were only for the politicians contesting the keys to 10 Downing Street.
The gigantic irony, of course, is that it looks increasingly as if NONE of the participants in the debates will actually be the next Prime Minister.
Clue: it’s not because they like having sex with children.
It’s because, along with the war in Afghanistan, they’re one of the only two major campaigning issues on which there isn’t even a manufactured illusion of disagreement between the three main parties standing in the General Election of 2010. Everyone is singing in perfect harmony from the same hymn sheet on this one: the unemployed are dangerous and despicable criminals.
Much like Afghanistan, none of the London parties speak for the UK electorate on this important issue. Which is, y'know, kinda strange. You'd think wars and spending scores of billions of pounds on pointless weapons in a recession would be just the sort of thing that would come up during an election as points of contention. But maybe I'm missing something.
Hang on. Is this classic reverse psychology? Does the Daily Mail actually WANT a hung parliament, for doubtless sinister reasons of its own?
Because it's hard to imagine that a major British newspaper could be edited by anyone SO stupid as to think this absurd, hysterical rubbish (based on an out-of-context quote EIGHT years old) could do anything but strengthen the feelings of anyone who's sick of the old Labour-Tory carve-up of this country. So let's help them, eh?
Young Lochinvar on Not So Octopus: “Geri Pastor Faggat was rejected? Gaun! Spread the news! It’ll help ignoring/ putting in context Pastor Faggats sermons in future..” Apr 12, 01:24
Geri on Not So Octopus: ““Arguing with yoons in a “domestic setting” is pissing in the wind & so is domestic elections.” Forgot to add,…” Apr 11, 23:59
Geri on Not So Octopus: “He’s just projecting again… “but when it comes to offering any viable alternative come up empty.” People have came up…” Apr 11, 23:12
Geri on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “That sounds just like Eppy Island. Allegedly, they liked to hunt live bait no one would miss. Then it’d be…” Apr 11, 22:31
Young Lochinvar on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “Beggars As the old nursery story goes: “My my grandmother what an active imagination you have there”.. Old boy.. Or;…” Apr 11, 21:54
Young Lochinvar on Not So Octopus: “*Special* Captain Caveman Interview – undertaken without an internet connected device. Interviewer; Wilma Flintstone, welcome. Captain Caveman; Mate, where’s moi…” Apr 11, 19:28
Mark Beggan on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “Free drugs and empty prisons. Homosexual drag artists at the mosque. What could possibly go wrong.” Apr 11, 19:22
George Ferguson on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “Well the Masters is on so this is par for the course for the Scottish Government. Well done Stu another…” Apr 11, 18:32
BroughtyBoy on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “I see the ‘Our People’s page has been taken down Stu… you’re on to something here!” Apr 11, 17:28
Young Lochinvar on Not So Octopus: “AE @ 9.03 Yippee Kate-ae faggat! You done gotten yourself all written up like a Jack rabbit n spring thar…” Apr 11, 15:25
Kevin Cargill on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “You might need to build an interoceter to communicate with Metaluna where I’m sure Mr Westwood lives. He certainly seems…” Apr 11, 13:44
Geri on Not So Octopus: ““Being offered an opportunity but exercising discretion to turn it down does not make you a “failure”.” It does show…” Apr 11, 13:44
Alf Baird on Not So Octopus: ““the vast majority of “ordinary” Scots” If all else fails the colonizer seeks to make the indigenous native a minority…” Apr 11, 13:41
Knuckle Heid on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “I agree Iain – who are these polling companies talking to?!” Apr 11, 13:13
Geri on Not So Octopus: “Arsey, I don’t need to. A well respected KC has already given his expert, legal opinion. Go look it up.…” Apr 11, 12:42
Northcode on Not So Octopus: ““…no constructive engagement of any sort, just the blanket unreasoning assertion that anyone who disagrees with you is… a unionist.”…” Apr 11, 12:23
Lorncal on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “They’ve posted a photo now, have they? It still looks doctored and seems to be an image that has been…” Apr 11, 12:22
Geri on Not So Octopus: “Alf, I know. Whit a dunce! Maybe we should all club together & buy him a dictionary? Oh hang on,…” Apr 11, 12:19
James on Not So Octopus: “We see you, Yoon.” Apr 11, 12:09
Aidan on Not So Octopus: “@Geri – if you believe that your absurd and paranoid ramblings are shared by a majourity of people, or even…” Apr 11, 12:06
Captain Caveman on Not So Octopus: ““Why are the Unionists here so intolerably kiss-ass to the site host?” Well, I daresay it’s all relative. Basic courtesies…” Apr 11, 12:01
Captain Caveman on Not So Octopus: “Good grief… Well, I very much doubt that an articulate, intelligent and interesting poster like Lorncal will take this, ahem,…” Apr 11, 11:57
agentx on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “It sounds like a clear breach of his disability rights in that they have failed to make reasonable adjustments to…” Apr 11, 11:41
Alf Baird on Not So Octopus: “The colonialist tells the natives they’re not colonized. LoL.” Apr 11, 11:20
Geri on Not So Octopus: “You don’t speak for the majority of Scots, thank fck, so why don’t you pack up yer wee violin. Only…” Apr 11, 11:00
willie on Do You Believe In The Westwood?: “As we move towards an election voters might do well to reflect on how this Scottish Government have made provision…” Apr 11, 10:39