Wings Over Scotland

I haven't been to bed yet. I may be cranky. But with over 90% of results in, it's not really possible to draw any conclusions from last night's election other than (a) almost everyone in Britain is a pathetic, brainless cretin, and (b) everything about our "democracy" is a sick black joke at our expense.

Let's take it step by step, shall we?

1. THE WELSH ARE SNIVELLING, FORELOCK-TUGGING WRETCHES

With all results in, the Conservatives have taken a net FIVE seats in Wales, where the idiot population obviously have short memories. Even dear old Lembit Opik, an MP who resembles a human being, got the boot.

2. THE SCOTTISH ARE CRINGING, PITIFUL SCUM

In Glasgow East, just two years after the insufferable, empty-headed screeching harridan Margaret Curran was rejected by the electorate in a huge by-election shock in favour of the SNP, the very same electorate returned a woman who now wasn't even offering them her undivided attention (she's going to carry on as an MSP in the Scottish parliament as well as being a Westminster MP), and with a staggering majority of almost 12,000 to boot.

In Livingston, a marginal Labour seat previously held by Jim Devine (currently facing criminal charges for expenses fraud and billing the taxpayer for legal aid to fight them) and contested by a former councillor closely linked to Devine and facing a corruption investigation of his own, the electorate confounded widespread expectations and voted for the Labour candidate by a majority of almost 11,000.

Overall, not a single one of Scotland's 59 seats changed hands compared to the 2005 result, with both byelections since then (the other being the Lib Dem capture of Dunfermline) reversed with massive swings to Labour. They were practically Labour's only gains in the entire UK.

3. THE ENGLISH ARE WHIMPERING, SPINELESS COWARDS

The Lib Dem opinion poll surge was almost entirely founded on English voters, barely affecting their ratings elsewhere. Yet when it came to the crunch, the courage of the English shrivelled in the face of the dire fearmongering of the right-wing press and reverted to the old two-party fake dichotomy. For all their dramatic gains in the polls – and increased actual votes and share – the Lib Dems are going to end the election with significantly FEWER seats than they started with.

4. THE NORTHERN IRISH ARE POTATO-BRAINED HALFWITS

The Northern Irish don't even join in with the game, voting in MPs who refuse to come to Parliament to represent their constituents at all. It's bad enough being represented by someone you didn't vote for, but voting for someone who tells you in advance that they're not even going to TRY to represent you is just spectacularly retarded.

And what of the mother of democracies itself? How magnificent must our electoral system be that the electorate – handed a gold-plated opportunity on a silver platter atop a velvet cushion – refused to change it? Let's examine this jewel in democracy's crown (figures correct at time of writing):

– Labour and the Lib Dems together garnered almost FIVE MILLION more votes than the Tories, yet secured almost exactly the same number of seats.

– despite this, the entire media (hugely Tory-biased) is treating as a scandalous outrage the idea that a coalition between Labour and the Lib Dems (commanding the support of nearly 60% of the electorate) might be allowed the first attempt at forming a government over a Tory party commanding the support of just 36% of voters.

– within that potential coalition, the Lib Dems got 80% as many votes as Labour, but just 20% as many seats.

– almost every party stood on a platform of "change", and the voters loudly demanded it at every opportunity, and then in the overwhelming mass of cases went out and voted for the incumbent. (Most of the seats that did change hands were ones where the existing MP had retired.) In Scotland, for example, the sitting MP increased their majority in almost every seat.

– the Lib Dems increased their vote share by 1% and LOST six seats. The Conservatives increased their share by 3.9%, and GAINED 90 seats.

– in Scotland, Labour got just over twice as many votes as the SNP, but SEVEN TIMES as many seats. The SNP overtook the Lib Dems to finish second in the popular vote, with significantly more votes than the Lib Dems, but got just over HALF as many MPs as them.

– UKIP got almost six times as many votes as Sinn Fein, but no MPs compared to Sinn Fein's four. (None of whom will turn up to sit in Parliament.)

– in turn, the DUP get almost exactly the same number of votes as Sinn Fein, but twice as many MPs. (In fact, UKIP got slightly more votes than the DUP, Plaid Cymru, Sinn Fein, the SDLP and the Greens put together, yet returned 0 MPs compared to a total of 19 for those parties. We might all find that amusing, but democratic? Hmm.)

– the arithmetic of the result is such that the ultimate balance of power is likely to be held be held by parties (either Ulster Unionists or combined Scottish and Welsh nationalists) which don't field a single candidate between them in England, which comprises over 80% of the population of the UK.

And the outcome of it all? We're almost certainly going to have to do the whole thing all over again inside six months, with no guarantee of it turning out any less of a farce. How in the world has a nation of intelligent people, admired across the globe, managed to contrive such a godawful mess?

The only plausible answer is that we're all complete fucking morons.