It’s okay, folks, we’ve got this all worked out.
Labour of course has numerous shadow cabinet vacancies at the moment. So in the spirit of national unity, if Eagle is going to cross the floor in one direction then maybe someone should cross the other way to help Jeremy Corbyn out. But who?
Corbyn’s had to use an MP from an English seat as both shadow Scottish Secretary and shadow Northern Ireland secretary, which is less than ideal. It’d obviously be better if the Scottish post was filled by a politician who actually lives in Scotland, and as luck would have it someone who’s just handed in their notice is heading north:
Cameron may be perfect for shadow Scottish Secretary, but someone who wanted his job has had to cope with disappointment and is now at a bit of a loose end. Happily an obvious senior post has just become available, well suited to a top-level Eurosceptic like him. So step forward, the new leader of UKIP – Boris Johnson!
Johnson leading UKIP will of course frustrate the ambitions of UKIP’s heroic Scottish chieftain David Coburn, and as the party disintegrates north of the border he may be looking to pastures new. So the openly gay MEP will cheer up at the news that there’s an opening for a Labour equalities spokesman.
But where will Coburn’s former boss go? Well, with Chris Evans walking away from Top Gear today, Farage is a far closer match in style and tone for the flagship show’s previous kingpin Jeremy Clarkson, and given that he holds the record for Question Time appearances we definitely know that the BBC have his phone number:
But there’s no need for Evans to feel glum – he won’t be signing on for long. As it happens we know another employer that’s headhunting at the moment, with a long track record of paying clownish characters vastly inflated wages for terrible results:
So with the England manager job going to the carrot-topped japester, we just need to find something for Roy Hodgson to do with his time. We hear he wants to stay in football, and fortunately a high-profile position is looking for a new occupant right now:
The main qualification for playing Kingsley, of course, is to have a foam-rubber face and the ability to crack an unnatural, false smile capable of terrifying children and opposing players alike. Can Hodgson pull it off?
AIEEEEEE! The job’s yours! Just please don’t hurt us!