Things we haven’t made up
Posted on
November 02, 2015 by
Rev. Stuart Campbell
…from today’s Daily Record.
Honestly, they’re really in there.
When anyone’s figured out what Labour’s policy on Trident actually IS now, we look forward to an informed debate on whether it’s a “triumph” or not.
Oh. That was quick.
Ask not what the problem is
but how you can solve it?
How can you solve a problem if you don’y know it exists?
Just words strung in a meaningless string.
“Believe in Better”
If the solution is restoring the APD cut that hasn’t happened what is the problem?
Great new quiz!
link to archive.is
Labour MP says it all about liebour
Kezia’s policy on problem-solving is about as clear as Labour’s policy on Trident!
and let’s face it, they don’t have their problems to seek for the foreseeable future!
Oh, thank you, I really needed a good laugh and now I’m sore!
She’s a gift that just keeps giving, bless her.
Better together – but only when you agree with us.
I think they’ve mixed up triumph with trumpet…..
A tube that expells air with a farting noise….
So the Record aren’t asking Scottish Labour about the devolution settlement now that Labour’s Scottish membership are anti Trident renewal? They aren’t querying Labour’s stance on NATO membership, or indeed the Scottish members relationship with UK Labours stance in general?
Its a triumph and not an omnishambles?
Oh and the least said about Ms Dugdale’s brainfart of a Yoda quote, the better.
Oh Jeez.
How do you solve a problem like Kezia
Remind me, what was that about us being better together?
They forgot to add the punch line———–
FOR THE SNP.
Wasn’t Triumph Trident a motorcycle in the 60’s ?
Bugger (the Panda) says:
2 November, 2015 at 3:02 pm
Ask not what the problem is
but how you can solve it?
Hmm think she may have had a speech by John Kennedy in mind there, “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country” Mind you look how he ended up!
“Saying you are for something without doing something about it doesn’t help anybody”
CALLING KEZIA – wow, talk about not wanting to help yourself! Okay now, there’s such a thing as forming principles so that people can evaluate you based on them – a concept that politicians have found to be helpful in the past. So what do you think, maybe worth a try?!
(love how my kindle keeps wanting me to call Kezia ‘media’
)
Wonder if all the “new “invigorated activists are chewing their knuckles yet ?
I think you have been duped folks.
I agree with Irene, the sense of humour on this site can’t be beaten!
You can always rely on Kezia to give you a laugh on a dull Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. In fact, simply whenever she opens her mouth it’s cartoon time, Looney Tunes.
It’s Labour’s crazy quantum logic day: Don’t diagnose, doctor. Just operate!
Erwin Schrödinger has just commented:
“When it comes to Scottish Labour, whether ze box is open or closed, we ken ze cat is deid.”
Surely this kinda talk is a gift to anyone with a talent for compiling riddles?
My first is in…but not in…etc
To top off the omnishambles, they forgot the ‘the’:
“Ask not what problem is, but how you can solve it.”
Scottish Labour are really filling me with confidence that they’re a viable party of government. Seriously, what is wrong with these people?
@BtP – “Believe in Better” is a rubbish slogan, but “Believe in Butter” is a winner.
If Kezia is the answer, wtf was the question?
Oh dear, it’s like something out a bloody fortune cookie. I’m surprised she didn’t add ‘Confucius says’ at the start.
How do you solve a problem like Kezia? If you dinnae vote for her, she winnae be a problem!
Question ye not the gratuitous deployment of archaic sentence structures. Amen.
Problem solving is obviously not something scotlab can ever come to grips with. How many leaders have there been so far and every one a winner… for the snp.
Anyone else hear John McTearOne ripping Scottish Labour this morning on BBC Radio Scotland just after 8am? According to him, what Scottish Labour do is irrelevant… Mmm… Who knew!
Ms Dugdale’s very first sentence:
“POLITICS is all about taking decisions that have the ability to transform lives. Saying you are for something without doing anything about it doesn’t help anybody.”
Maria Eagle’s quote:
“This does not change our policy. Defence isn’t a devolved matter so Labour Party policy has to be set at a national party level, at a UK level,” she told BBC Radio 4’s The World at One.”
Oh, Ms Dugdale?
Hulloooo! Anyone at home?
Didn’t she also inform her conference that ‘the future is coming – of that we can be certain’?
Or maybe it was ‘ask not what the future can do but how you can solve it’.
Or something.
Well, UK Labour has just chopped the feet from under Ms Dugdale. Not only are they not taking any of this into account, but they will be conducting a review which is a ‘serious one’. No friends in politics, eh?
link to bbc.co.uk
“… shadow defence secretary Maria Eagle told the BBC the vote was no more than a contribution to the debate.
She said: “This is an input from Scottish Labour into the policy-making process.
“This does not change our policy. Defence is not a devolved matter and Labour party policy has to be set at a UK level.
“I am conducting a review that will be a serious one, that will be based on evidence, it will have extensive consultation and will be taking views from across the Labour movement and Labour voters.”
It actually says “Labour’s policy on Trident a triumph of double speak”.
To put so many out of work so ban the bomb warriors can feel good about themselves is beyond belief. Not to mention a real threat to national security. Disgrace.
Labour’s friends in the MSM do Labour absolutely no favours with their unthinking support and praise for it is a lot to do with the MSM being uncritical that has encouraged Labour to dig deeper within the hole they are already in.
Their vote has already been ignored, of course, reminding us all that the important decisions about Scotland should not be made in Scotland. What they seem to regard as a “triumph” is the fact that they were allowed to EXPRESS an opinion in the first place.
There something of a peasant mindset about all this.
The Daily record is so brainlessly irrelevant I cant even bring myself to laugh at the utter guff they churn out.
I swear to God, if Scotland does not vote ‘Yes’ next time, I think I will go insane.
Does Kezia have a split personality? Would explain a helluva
lot of what she dribbles out.
The real labour party says…
“This does not change our policy. Defence isn’t a devolved matter so Labour Party policy has to be set at a national party level, at a UK level,” she told BBC Radio 4’s The World at One.
link to archive.is
It’s probably not good for Kezia to be left alone for too long. On the other hand, from the things she says, the company she keeps isn’t too hot either.
Perhaps her family ought to get Home care in.
Um…finding solutions to unknown problems…….42
When you know what the question is kez, you will know what the answer means….
You have much to learn green hopper
@one _scot
Believe me. You are already insane. You’re a rhabid SNP supporter.
Apologies for repeating this, but it completely sums up Labour’s Scottish strategy …
… SLab know there are a block of very gullible Labour voters left in Scotland. The mission is to keep these on board. They are gambling these people think ‘Scottish Labour’ is a real party and as such can have views different from that other party, ‘Labour’.
Is Kezia trying to channel JFK with that meaningless mission-statement?
Since rip-offs of “inspirational” quotations appear to be in vogue today, here is my contribution:
The Eagle has landed…
“Shadow defence secretary Maria Eagle said the vote by Scottish Labour to scrap Britain’s nuclear weapons system will not change the UK party’s policy on the issue.
“She insisted the party’s policy remained, as it was at the general election, to acquire a like-for-like replacement for the ageing Trident submarine fleet, which will cost at least £167bn.”
An independent Scotland could write off overnight the £2.7bn “student debt monster” Kezia Dugdale is whining about, using just 1.6% of the amount British Labour want to waste on Trident replacement.
That is one tragic price Scotland is paying for being in this dysfunctional Union.
Did I just hear the sound of one hand clapping?
@Major
Is Kezia trying to channel JFK with that meaningless mission-statement?
The only things lacking are the demonstrable charisma, the coolness, the soaring rhetoric, the desire to take on entrenched and powerful interests, and the rampant womanising…JFK said that he thought every day about the effects of a nuclear weapons conflagration and the need to rid the world of them, because of the consequences for his children.
@Quentin Quale
Never said a word
Is it true that the DR is going to start publishing crosswords with no clues?
The statement of intent that Kez “n” Jez signed last week is even more worthless than the Vow.
The stark reality of Maria Eagle’s comments is that no matter what KezSez, or the Daily Record prints, the Labour Party in Scotland has always been, and always will be, a branch office that is welcome to make its contribution to the forming of the UK Party policies. Nothing more nothing less.
Labour in Scotland can only decide on policies that relate to the devolved parliament in Edinburgh. The people of Scotland have seen through the lies and distortion of this failed organisation and will pass judgement in May 2016.
I love this ‘Scottish Labour – Change’ show. It’s the funniest series since Big Bang Theory. I just worry that it’ll run out of steam. I mean the lead character is hysterical, but that can only last so long til it just gets repetitive. I know there’s other characters in there, but who could take over from kezia. She’s a diamond.
Would there be any potential legal implications to suggesting a boycott of a certain newspaper, those who advertise in it, and those who sell it?
Just wondering…
Teacher says: “Ask not what the sum is, but what is the answer to the sum”.
We have had weeks of this deeply infantile and insulting rubbish from Ms Dugdale.
She clearly does not have a grasp of the simplest of concepts.
It is all just rhetoric with this lot. Ms Dugdale said nothing on Question Time last week, but she opened her mouth a lot. The silence at the end of one of her rants was deafening. She is just as embarrassing at FM’s questions. I wonder if she is being used by others in her party. The knives in the back will come soon enough.
Labour statement number 1:
Ms Eagle insisted the party’s policy remained, as it was at the general election, to acquire a like-for-like replacement for the ageing Trident submarine fleet.
Labour statement number 2:
THE decision to adopt an anti-Trident stance will be a boost for Jeremy Corbyn and is a triumph for democracy, says RECORD VIEW.
So let me see if I have this right.
Labour’s policy on Trident is:
“We fully support the replacement of Trident submarines with NEW Trident submarines.”
Right I think I have got that, it seems pretty straightforward there.
But wait …
“Labour have adopted an anti Trident stance”
Does this not mean NO replacement Trident submarines?
Oh wait a second … the anti Trident stance does not really count for much, if anything, does it? After all it only comes out of the mouth of the branch office which as we all know cow tow to the London H.Q.
So, in future, should anyone desire, highly unlikely anyone would mind you
, to know the current, or future for that matter, stance of the Labour party on Trident then the answer is quite unequivocally … “We’ll let you know at some distant point in time!” 
“Ask not what problem is but how you can solve it”
I’m not talking about the english, it’s a headline. But it’s totally wrong, you can’t solve a problem until you know what it is, all you can do is bypass it.
“Don’t bring me problems, bring me solutions”.
“I don’t see problems, I see opportunities”.
“Problem solved, no problemo”.
That’s better!
Just a quick thought here.
Before anyone starts digging seriously into Labour to try and locate an answer, ANY answer, to the question “What is the party’s stance on Trident and nuclear weapons?” might I suggest DON’T!
You will be far better off trying to figure out the answer to “how long is a piece of string?”
Not only will you be far better off dealing with the length of string question but you will also get a far more robust answer!
Quite apart from the sheer brass neck of certain trade unionists who think the country should be put in hock to keep them in fancy employment, how long now till Ruth Davidson, “Destroyer of Worlds,” has herself filmed straddling a Trident missile? a feat which Jackie Baillie could only top by firing one out of her arse.
@walter scott
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o’-the wisp! A clown!
But – Where Do The Children Play?
So, the Scottish branch has a position, not a policy. Okay, it’s a position that will be completely ignored by those in their HQ because, as we’ve been told, that was the policy at the election and it’s staying that way. So, all those good people in Perth wasted, what was it, about an hour of their lives that they’ll never get back.
If I’d been a delegate (God forbid), I’d be pretty angry that I’d been led up the garden path
“Saying you are for something without doing something about it doesn’t help anybody”. And saying your against something if your only a part of the Scottish branch office set-up, doesn’t mean a damn thing. So, what exactly do Scottish branch members get for their membership fee?
Ian Brotherhood, 4.23,
Touting for business?
@Davy.
Wow, did you manage to come up with that all by yourself, or did your mummy help you.
That statement of intent from Kez and Jeremy, was it on the front of the Record?
The Labour position is straightforward on Trident and all other matters – English voters will make the decisions and Scottish voters will be informed when the decisions are made.
Simple and this will only change when Scottish voters have the confidence to take exception and choose to make their own decisions. That will be independence time.
I am constantly reminded of Burn’s words – ‘the coward slave we pass him by’.
Sorry, O/T
From the BBC website today regarding the housing bill on evel
‘Ahead of a Commons debate on the bill, Mr Bercow fielded questions from SNP MPs on how the new mechanism would work.
He said MPs would have to accept his decisions, for which he would not provide detailed explanations.’
BOOM
Any time I hear or read about Wur Dud it makes me want to laugh,cry or puke. What a balloon.I’m really gonna miss her sad dumb ass after May 2016 but I’ll get over it.
Yesterday KD was praised for allowing the SLAB Conference to debate Trident, and today … she ignores the outcome as if it didn’t happen. What was the point…what is their (SLAB’s) point…what is the point of KD. I have no idea.
Rich pickings for the SNP. 70% of the delegates at the ScotLabour conference who voted against Trident renewal are being told that their views don’t matter. UKLabour rules.
Fred 4.47
I hope our resident cartoonist reads your excellent post.
Somewhere here someone said there were no more than a 180 people at the conference in Perth. So that’s 126 folk who voted against Trident – and this is making news?
You could have got the same result from a show of hands in a busy pub.
arthur thomson says:4:46
I read your post, and was reminded when reading the quotation, of previous posts and why the SNP don’t have Lords,
Well Burns Knew!
Ye see yon birkie ca’d a lord
Wha struts an’ stares an’ a’ that
Tho’ hundreds worship at his word
He’s but a coof for a’ that
For a’ that, an’ a’ that
His ribband, star and a’ that
The man o’ independent mind
He looks an’ laughs at a’ that!
A Man of Independent Mind, as true today as when Burns put quill to parchment!
The continued attempts to confuse what is and is not devolved, is the policy of Labour in Scotland. To this end everything at their conference is going swimmingly.
Their problem lies with the electorate, however, who are not confused anymore, on the whole, about what is and isn’t devolved.
People who don’t watch the BBC or read the Record, or the Scotsman, or the daily Herald, aren’t even hearing the attempt at confusion.
Talk about the real chattering classes now – it is the press and politicians trying to convince each other they’re just ordinary folk. Empty vessels.
Fred 4:47
In answer to your question “How long is a piece of string” I give you the only logical answer
“A piece of string is twice as long as half its length”
I Will get my coat!
We need to talk about Kezia.
(with apologies to anybody who has already said this)
Again we see exposed the real problem in Scottish politics.
Labour can create whatever alternative reality they like – no matter how absurd or contradictory – and have it sold repeatedly to large numbers of voters in the most positive light.
The same strenuous efforts are now being made to turn Dugdale into a credible political voice just as they tried to do with Murphy.
Everything from stealing JFK’s quotes to carefully-chosen photos to minimise the severity of that unflattering centre parting. It is a struggle.
Fingers crossed the Scottish public will again tell Labour where to stuff it next May.
I did a headcount of one of the photos of the conference. The photo looked like it took in more than half of the hall, I counted about a hundred people, so if I’m being super-generous there were 200 there, which would mean half their councillors and MSPs didnt even turn up at their own conference, never mind ordinary members.
Any attempt to portray this as a ‘triumph’ for Scottish Labour is akin to a boxer raising his arms in victory at the end of the fight with every light punched out, his nose protruding out the back o his heid, and being unable to step anywhere without standing on his shattered teeth.
Branch office, behave yersel’
“over to you Nicola” is the funny bit.
Hoping response to that also appears in DR rag.
The “eagle” has spoken to the “branch”: “You don’t count.” The raptor has been outspoken on the press against her boss JK on his position on Trident and other matters. JK just seems to blink and shuffle away. Surely he has, as leader, either sack the predator or resign. It seems UKLab Shadow Cabinet and Slab leader KD are treating him with contempt. Corbyn is becoming irrelevant in UK politics; as Shadow PM he has morphed into a mere shadow. The 70% who voted ay Slab conference to get rid of Trident must now see UKlab with Corbyn are kaputt. Independence will enable those in Slab who want change to achieve it.Scottish votes for Scottish laws.
“Much ado about nothing”
And the sooner the Record and it’s so called political reporters are recognised for what they are, : nothing more that written mouth pieces for the likes of J Mc Terrain, Lord Forfuksak, Simion Kia and the like, ( properly got thier name/spelling wrong, but for these fellows, who cares!), and the aforementioned are no more than political dinosaurs, and as such belong in the past, Scotland has seen the light, and has moved on and forward from those dark days.
Is nobody missing big skelly heid Jim?
He was always good for a laugh. Remember those wonderful promises he kept on making. It were pure brilliant. Those were the days… Ah such fond, fond memories…
Re Andrew 5:25
Naw yer wrong. The EBC says its ten times a tenth of its length because thats a bigger snp bad number.
Well we used to think Scotland was ignored, betrayed and robbed by the English Parliament, now we all know. We have no voice or influence in Westmonster just what the BT unionist voted for in the referendum, and Kez thinks that is as it should be.
That is the best Union in history as far as the English Establishment is concerned, they will take all our wealth and tell us what to do and what we think. How thick do they think we are?
Well they have got away with it for over three hundred years, how thick do they think we are? Let’s give them a answer! FREEDOM
A member of the Nigerian royal family has emailed me to ask if he can deposit £70 million in my bank account this afternoon and he advised me to vote SLabour next May too.
Kez “Hi Jeremy , you know we still need to convince the Scots SLab are autonomous”
JC “Yes, but what do you think will work Kez”
KD “Ooo Yes,what we do is hold a press conference showing another o yon documents and photos of us signing another A4 blank sheet o paper , it’ll be a dodle JC ”
JC “Aye Ok, it can’t do any harm, we can do it when I’m up next week for your SLab conference”
KD “Oooo JC , Love you lots , brilliant swoon swoon”
JC “Great Kez, but remember it doesn’t mean a Fe$$ing thing.I’m in charge.I decide”
KD “Yes massa….3 bags full !” or should it be FOOOL.
Might be a bit O/T seeing as trident has centre stage, I was wondering how they are going to swing this increasing the top rate of tax without raising the other bands at the same time, oh maybe kez has found some way of working this, and this bad SNP government has been rumbled by that super sluth Jackie ballie , more like same s—-t different day
Kezia, the problem for Scotland is it is dragged down by weak dependency junkie Uncle Jocks like yourself,and the solution is Independence.
Both problem and solution in one sentence,not too difficult.
The Record printed ‘the vow’ on a background of parchment. I think it would have been more prescient for the Record had they printed it on a gravestone. Who takes this paper seriously any more.
‘Dugdale’ is an anagram of ‘a guddle’.
Irene Mac says:
2 November, 2015 at 3:51 pm
Well, UK Labour has just chopped the feet from under Ms Dugdale.
Ruby Replies,
Did they not do something similar when ‘The Saviour of Scottish Labour’ proposed spending the Mansion tax to pay for 1000s of Scottish nurse.
Do Slab members now realise that even if 100%, or the 1 hundred of them, all voted with a Party Leader to abolish Trident, it doesn’t matter one iota as their Westminster Party members tell them what is going to happen.
Just pay up for what you don’t want, and store these monstrous
weapons in your back yard, but don’t you dare have an opinion.
When as a small child my Dad said I could do or have something,
I would have a good go at changing his mind.
He was always happy for me to have an opinion and to discuss the
matter before what he decided was enforced.
At least he genuinely cared about me.
Something the Labour Prty don’t have in common with him.
Craig and Charlie Reid summed up Labour’s predicament years ago “What do you do when democracy fails you? / What do you do when Democracy’s all through / What do you do when minority means you?” Labour’s historic values are good values but even if they are recaptured by Scottish Labour it doesn’t mean a thing as they are a permanant minorty in a wider Labour party who can simply ignore them. Any decent left winging Labourite who can’t see that is now more than ever just living in a state of denial.
“a guddle” isn’t that how you catch trout?
And what now for Kevin McKenna and Iain MacWhirter with their recent ambivalent approach (that’s being charitable) to the SNP, and bizarre optimism for oor Kez?
If they were trying to be controversial in their recent columns (can’t think why they should have changed their opininion on the Scottish political scene so quickly and on such a very flimsy evidence- base at that) then they have been caught out as a result of the SLAB conference and the utterances of its star performers.
The referendum has produced at least 50% of a population which now has the ability to smell journalistic crap at the distance of one sentence, and is certainly not impressed by smart-assed journos who still think they can play around with the facts to sell newsprint.
Ain’t gonna work guys, and you are losing support and credibility with every article.
“Is nobody missing big skelly heid Jim?”
I miss the Edstone. I like to think of it sometimes, floating around in space or something like the monolith thing in 2001…
In the image Rev has used at the top of this article, is it just me or does Kezia look like Bliar?
“Triumph”
As in Triumph Herald?
Triumph which became Leyland before spiralling downwards into the dirt as most of the UK car industry got wiped off the planet, or got bought up by Johnny foreigners.
The last model produced was the Triumph Acclaim, which seems entirely appropriate to the Record article.
The Triumph marque now belongs to BMW – maybe we should ask them to outsource and manage the Trident project?
…don’t worry. Kezia will give you every support short of actual help!
Will Maria Eagles Herald.com article be in tomorrow’s print edition……..
The Daily Record – an idiots lantern.
@Paula Rose –
‘Guddle’ for trout etc, aye, but ‘a guddle’ is a mess, a confusion etc…
‘Get yer bedroom sortit ya wee belter, it’s a pure guddle so it is.’
I get the attempted reference: and I quote someone else
“You are no Jack Kennedy”, Ms Dugdale
@ Ian Brotherhood – chastened.
i promise change
A better Britain
Better future
Doodley do
Some sort of catchphrase
Come home to changing Scottish UK Labour Conservocrats
Free pens for the homeless
*clap clap clap clap clap*
*collapse*
*die*
@Rev
Your post was not quite clear – was it Kezia herself on BBC R4 World at 1 today saying that her own branch office members vote did not count – or Jackie Baillie – or which female politician?
Surely not Kezia herself?
Andrew Mclean at 5:21.
“A Man of Independent Mind”
aka Alert reader
@ one_scot.
I think Davy’s mummy must have helped him.
Sorry, just read some more posts.
So basically HQ told SLAB branch office that their 180 delegates could shove it . . . .
Because HQ agrees with Kezia and not SLAB members
HQ seems not to understand SLAB delegates we’re only adopting this position to save their MSP and council seats anyway – and were not seriously opposing Trident.
HQ could have ignored them and it would have made no difference, but let them use the vote to fool a few idiots.
But HQ had to stop Corbyn getting his hopes up that he might be able to take his party back form the Blarite apprachnics
So they sacrificed the SLAB MSP and council seats too
If that does not make a few SLAB members re-think independence, nothing will
To solve the problem, surely you have to know what it is first? I thinks SLAB’s problem is UKLAB and Kezia.
This woman is totally unbelievable.When is the next vote for a labor leader taking place??
Bill Fraser says:
2 November, 2015 at 9:48 pm
This woman is totally unbelievable.
When is the next vote for a labor leader taking place??
Just as soon as they can find anyone willing to admit to being a Slab member, can lie without blushing, and who can distort statistics beyond recognition.
I’m pretty sure I’ve got the hang of this now, before I was a bit confused.
Essentially Labours confusing policy on trident is in fact a great solution, we just havn’t yet identified the problem which that it’s the answer to. Which is why it’s hard to understand. we were obviously thinking about a different problem.
Keiza’s clearly one step ahead of us and it’ll all make perfect sense once this great solution has been implemented fully so revealing the problem it’s fixed.
This is now desperatly sad.
That wee lass is floundering way out of her depth and needs rescued.
I think K.D.’s mission statement must be to demonstrate just how dumb, wee and poor the Scots are. I really have no other rational explanation for the quantity of hogwash she is producing.
If Kez is the solution, wtf is the problem?
I get confused trying to follow exactly what Scottish Labour stand for anymore one minute against trident next minute for trident. Last year they were about getting rid of the something for nothing culture now they are Socialist. In amongst these positions there are people from SLAB and london labour saying all different positions. What do labour stand for now a days? Whatever is popular or do they have any principles left?
She’s like a kids TV presenter, but dafter and without irony. I’d love to see her debate with Cookie Monster on Sesame Street. I’d tape that, just to see the bafflement on Cookie Monster’s face. Every time she opens her geggie it sounds like she’s talking to a Primary Two classroom.
And she’s a Leader?! How long before her glaikitness makes Jezza reach for the muzzle? Or will McConnell handle that one?