Scottish football reconstruction explained
Posted on
November 14, 2012 by
Rev. Stuart Campbell
Well, it’s all been a pretty confusing business in Scottish football this week, with the SFL or SFA or B&Q or someone releasing some rather vague documents with baffling talk of “Hotspots” and no mention of half the things that people had been trailing (like Celtic and The Rangers “colt” teams, which is a dynamic, thrusting new way of saying “reserves” that someone’s apparently just invented) and whether the new leagues would have splits or would prefer an Orange Maid.
However, to keep our readers as immaculately informed as they’re used to, we’ve been digging deep and speaking to all the right people, and we think we’ve finally managed to definitively figure out the complete plans. They’re actually reasonably easy to follow as long as you concentrate, so take a deep breath and jump in.
- The SFA, SPL and SFL will be amalgated into a single regulatory body.
- The league is to be organised into three divisions of 16, 10 and 16, or maybe 18, or possibly 15 if Rangers and Hearts have gone bust by then, unless Rangers Colts have formed a newco under John ‘Bomber’ Brown in the meantime.
- The new divisions will be called the Premier, Diddy and Double-Diddy Divisions. Places in each division will be allocated according to stadium capacity, except for teams who play in black-and-white stripes as they make TV pictures go funny.
- The Premier Division will have one complete round of 15 fixtures, at which point it’ll split into two sub-divisions of two and 14 teams respectively.
- The top two will then play each other seven times – three home, three away and a seventh game in Hong Kong to maximise lucrative marketing opportunities in Asia. (If Hong Kong is unavailable, McDiarmid Park will be used.)
- The remaining 14 teams will have a big game of Snakes And Ladders at Gordon Smith’s house to decide the 3-16 positions.
- When this round is completed, the Premier Division will re-amalgamate into a single league of 16 teams, and play a sixes tournament at Coasters Arena in Falkirk. If Coasters has closed, they’ll play at the nearest set of garages, using “three and in” rules, until some auld wifie phones the polis.
- During this period, the Diddy and Double-Diddy Divisions will play whenever they feel like it. What does it matter?
- At any point in the season except the first two weeks of October, teams will be able to play their Joker, which doubles their goal tally for one match or lets them have a single free breenge at the opposition’s centre-forward or tricky winger. (This last clause instigated at the request of St Mirren.)
- The new “Champions League-style” League Cup will take place concurrently with the first part of the league season, but teams won’t be told which competition they’re playing in until half-time.
- There will be a break over the Scottish winter, ie November 1st until April 28th.
- The resulting fixture pile-up will mean teams have to play every day until the end of the season. This will increase excitement as clubs with small squads will have to field teams of just four or five players due to injuries and commitments at the bakery, leading to more goals and higher attendances.
- At the end of May, the six teams at the top of each of the three divisions will be asked if they want to take the points they’ve won so far or gamble them for whatever’s hiding behind Bully. If they opt to gamble, each team will be deducted 10 points and their centre-halves will fight it out in a live Battle Royale cage match, with the last man standing collecting the prize, which will be a random number of points between 11 and 52 plus a Breville toasted-sandwich maker.
- The six teams at the bottom of each division, meanwhile, will be split out into a new 18-team Consolation Division. (Obviously, in the case of the Diddy Division there will be two teams who are eligible both for the Battle Royale Round and the Consolation Division.)
- The Consolation Division will play a single round of 17 fixtures, with 45 minutes of each game played at home and 45 away in order to ensure fairness. At the end of this schedule, everyone gets a prize.
- The winner after the Battle Royale round and one other team drawn at random from a pot comprising Rangers will play off for the Final Ultimate Champion Trophy, with the victor automatically qualifying for a glamorous Europa League Pre-Pre-Pre-Qualifying tie against Dynamo Potato of Zygywygybygystan, who will get a four-goal head start to eliminate any chance whatsoever of Rangers fans being allowed to go abroad anywhere nice and smash the place up.
And frankly, anyone who can’t follow that must be a twat.
You copied that from the recruiting rules of Labour candidates for elections!
a Breville toasted sandwich maker !
now there’s a prize worth competing for.
Was this written by the smartarse who does the employment contracts🙂
WOW! Thanks Rev. fair cleared that up.
Obviously, I’m not a twat but I know someone who is!!!
Wish I hd a nice toastie machine…
“And frankly, anyone who can’t follow that must be a twat.”
Even this would be easier to follow than what the SPL are proposing.
Hilarious Stu, I had some genuine LOLZ there, although a Battle Royale cage match would be nigh on impossible to win, since you’d have to throw your opponents over the top of the cage.
“The top two will then play each other seven times – three home, three away and a fifth game in Hong Kong to maximise lucrative marketing opportunities in Asia.”
Don’t give them ideas! Actually, on second thoughts, who gives a toss?
“Don’t give them ideas! Actually, on second thoughts, who gives a toss? ”
Well not you, obviously, seeing as you can’t even get your opponent out of the cage.
You try throwing someone over a 15 foot cage!
Well I’m a twat and I still haven’t got my head round it fully! 😉
Where do the Jags stand in this?
I’m glad you explained that RevStu, it’s all much clearer to me now. Especially the bit about the Europa League. Did Jim Traynor give you the inside story here?
P.S. I’ve watched Zlatan’s 4th goal six times. Anybody beat that?
“P.S. I’ve watched Zlatan’s 4th goal six times. Anybody beat that?”
I’m at least 50 ahead of you.
“Where do the Jags stand in this?”
Partick Thistle have been redesignated a “national treasure” and will only henceforth compete in exhibition matches, like the Harlem Globetrotters.
Keep those questions coming, folks!
Is the next move “Mornington Crescent”?
O/T – Better Together have me down as a ‘supporter’ (after I sent them a message utterly unsupportive of their cause). Quite amusing:
“Email: YOUR COUNTRY NEEDS YOU!
Dear Douglas,
The referendum on Independence is the biggest decision Scotland will ever make and to win it we need the biggest campaign Scotland has ever seen. In the months ahead we need to reach 4 million Scottish voters. It is a massive task and we need your help. Will you join us in our Big Campaign Weekend on 23-25th November?
The last couple of weeks have shown just how ruthless our opponents are. They spent thousands of pounds on a court case to cover up the fact they had lied about an Independent Scotland and the Euro. They are writing the rules of the referendum to suit themselves. And they have the full resources of the Scottish Government and a campaign war chest of millions which they will use to try to divide Scotland from the UK.
They might have money and power but we have the Scottish people with us.
Opinion polls have shown that support for breaking up the UK has fallen since our campaign launched in the summer. We speak for the majority of Scots, but this is going to be a hard fight. We know that the votes of more than a million undecided Scots are up for grabs. Will you help us win their support?
Campaign events where like-minded people come together to deliver leaflets, knock on doors or sign people up on high-streets are being added to our events page every day.
You can link up with experienced campaigners or you can start your own campaign event in your neighbourhood. You may never have been involved in a campaign before but there will never be a more important time to stand up and be counted. We hope to see you the weekend after next, but in the meantime please keep sending us your questions, ideas and suggestions for the campaign.
Blair
Blair McDougall
Campaign Director
Better Together”
http://bettertogether.net/page/s/volunteer
“Better Together – Volunteer
This is a once in a lifetime campaign. A chance to decide the future of your country. We know that the other side of the argument have fanatical supporters who will spend every day from now until the referendum working to separate Scotland from the United Kingdom.
We have so much we need help with: from leafleting and knocking on doors in your neighbourhood to helping at Better Together events and helping to take on the poison of the infamous cybernats.”
The irony that they are trying to take the high ground whilst attacking the ‘fanatical supporters’ and ‘poison of the infamous cybernats’ is hilarious (and no doubt lost on them).
Curiously, I find myself thinking the Rev’s restructuring may make more sense and certainly have more entertainment value than anything the PTB may come up with. 🙂
@ Doug Daniel
Doug Daniel says:You try throwing someone over a 15 foot cage!
In situations like this you need to ask yourself , what would Wiley Coyote do. I’m sure ACME have an easy solution to this.
More on-topic.
As a Motherwell fan, given our scarring experience of the Champion’s League this season, the new “Champion’s League Style” competition worries me immensely.
How abojut on match day, a game is selected by secret ballot. An anti-personnel mine is then buried somewhere on the pitch. That might increase the crowds.
It’d increase their surface area, certainly.