57 Channels And Nothing On
Posted on
October 03, 2019 by
Rev. Stuart Campbell
Yeah, we know we haven’t had a post up in days. What is there to say? The news is nothing but repeats. Anyone got any questions? Know any good jokes?
Why did the cross eyed teacher resign?
Cos she couldnae control her pupils ;o)
Ross Thompson got a job as an undertaker cause he felt dead Ernest about it…
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman when into a pub.
The Englishman want to leave, so they all had to go.
As I’m further south, what’s the weather like up north in Bath?
Here in Devon, it’s blowy but pleasant.
Why did the vegan cross the road?
To tell you they’re a vegan.
Two peanuts walking down the pavement, one was assaulted.
Granddaughter Hmmm!
What affliction did ham have that it needed cured?
What’s the cross eyed highway code ?
Look straight ahead
Look straight ahead and
Look straight ahead again
Jackson Carlaw.
Not sure if you’ve covered this but how will you go about vetting and selecting candidates if and when the wings party gets off the ground? How long will it take and have you costed it out?
I’d like to be able to vote for you on the list.
Some folk liked that programme. ‘The Young ones’. Who were young.
Wonen refused pension rights. They might be able to claim under their husband’s. Or go for unemployment or sickness rights. Welfare benefit? It could be cheaper giving them their pensions.
Women retired now were refused pensions rights. If they worked P/T they were not included. Some were advised to pay lower stamp to get husband’s pension rights. Bad Gov advice. Husbands would often retired later.
Cherie Blair took the case to make sure they did not get it applied retrospectively. The cause was lost in Court. Although it would have been difficult to get all the information necessarily collected.
Ok, Stuart. A question then. In the event of all the stars aligning properly and independence becoming a reality, would a written Scottish Constitution be a desired entity? If so, how would it be drafted and by whom?
I like the idea of a written constitution that cannot be changed by a simple parliamentary majority (e.g. as in the US) , so it would be important to get it right.
Glasgow boy brings new girlfriend to meet his family.
Glasgow boy “Hi, this is Amanda!”
Da, leaping to his feet
“It’s a fuckin’ WHAT??????”
Jaicket on…
Thought Rev was off organising Wings Party. Bit late. Might be impossible, Still time Holyrood election?
Election soon. Interesting times.
The State legislation is devolved Gov in US. State legislation dominates day to day matters. Fed constitution. Changed by State legislation.
Should be something worth hearing on Saturday at the end of the AUOB March for Independence in Edinburgh. Who knows, the media might even mention it. Or is that wishful thinking?
Anyway, big turnout needed, folks.
Two goldfish in a tank.
One says to the other
“How do you start this thing?”
Can someone explain to me how Scotland can progress in the Rugby World Cup? Ireland hammered us, and we need a bonus point in all remaining matches. But I still doon’t see how we can progress.
What do monkeys and chainsaws have in common?
They both f*ck up trees!
“what’s brown and sticky?”
“a stick”
I was locked up in a prison cell and beaten severely by some police officers.
The next day while imprisoned the guards severely beat me up.
The following day I was to be released but not before the Group 4 facilitators beat me up.
I walked into the Tory Party conference yesterday and heard Boris’ speech.
Wish I’d stayed in prison.
Two Americans hunting in the woods.when one suddenly collapses
The other guy quickly calls 911,nd tells the opertor he needs advice to help
The operator says” First make sure hes dead then come back on line”
A silence is followed bh two bangs in succesion”
“OK operator hes dead what now”
I sold my vacuum the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
I share your frustration.
It’s like Waiting for Goddot, but much worse…….exactly much worse.
We can only hope that this is the ‘phony war’ and sense will soon break out among the populus.
I don’t know any (clean) jokes.
Never mind. Thankfully there’s still WGD. A portent: the unicorn on the royal coat of arms of Buck House has shed its chains and escaped:
link to weegingerdug.wordpress.com
@ Brian 2:10 – I laughed out loud at that one. Well done!
I was in a Bar with some other guys from my SNP Branch
When some Orange Order Tories began growling at us.
I suggested that we acted as though we were the Police.
We were only in the first chorus of Roxanne when we were
Beaten up!
Four men walk down a street, three of them walked into a bar but the fourth one ducked.
What’s the difference between a magicians magic wand and the
Tory Party Conference?
The first one is for Cunning Stunts.
@Conan – laughed out loud!
Dear HMToryGov,
What’s wrong with having freedom of movement? What’s so good about NOT having freedom of movement with 27 other countries?
I look forward to your prompt reply.
Thanks,
Every young and old person in Scotland who was NOT born into tons of cash and mega pompery, by whichever means their family became rich, fair means or foul.
re Bill Hume @2.10
I can’t remember, what does happen at the end of ‘Waiting for Godot’?
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day. What do you think it means?”
“You’ll know on Valentine’s Day.” he said.
On Valentine’s Day, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled….
“The Meaning Of Dreams.”
A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar after an interfaith convention.
The Jew, bragging about his virility said “I have four sons, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!.”
The Catholic poo-poohed this accomplishment, stating, “Thats nothing boy, I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.”
To which the Mormon replied, “You fellers ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives, one more and I’ll have a golf course!.”
Winner of funniest post: Dr Jim at 11.40 p.m. on previous thread – my husband and I are wiping away tears of laughter. Wonderful stuff.
My joke entry:
Comedian to audience: “Anyone here from Fife?”
Audience member: “Aye.”
Comedian: “Your bananas are terrible.”
This joke has tickled me for years! [Sad, aren’t I.]
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blonde said “These look like deer tracks,” and
the other one said, “No, they look like moose tracks.”
They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing
when the train hit them.
A patent is settling into the dentist chair in Glasgow.
The assistant asks, “comfey?”
He replies, “Govan”
Little Leroy is at school in Jamaica and the teacher says to him:
‘Leroy. Give me a sentence which uses the word Dandelion’.
Leroy thinks for a moment then says…………….
‘De cheetah is faster dandelion.’
Thanks. I’m here all week.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are ambushed and the Lone Ranger gets an arrow in his thigh.
Quickly Tonto pulls the arrow, which is vey short, out, looks at it and remarks “it’s the Rangers tribe!”
How do you know asks the Lone Ranger.
Tonto replies, “the wee arra people”
?
I went for a job on a farm and the farmer asked
“Can you shoe a horse?”
I said
“No but I can tell a donkey to fuck off!!”
A young man in a cafe overhears two eldefly married people discussing their youth and how they used to make !ove 5
yezrs ago against the fence of a nearby factory because there was nowhere else.
The eldeRly woman suggests they re!ive the event one more time before they die.They leave the cafe hand in hand.
The young man intrigued,follows them and eventua!ly witnesses the most ferocious session of lovemaking he has ever seen from the old couple against the same fence.
He discreetly stops the old man and asks him if he has always had such enthusiasm and was there a secret to it?
“No son but 50 years ago that bloody fence wisnae electrified”
In Ireland, what does a single yellow line mean at the side of the road?
No parking at all.
In Ireland, what do double yellow lines mean at the side of the road?
No parking at all, at all…
Tourist: “Tell me, is this really folk dancing?”
Local: “Ach aye, folk dancing and fair enjoying themselves!”
Not a joke but this heartfelt story shows not all in Trump’s America are bad.
The Judge and the elderly driver.
Bless them all.
Youtube:
link to tinyurl.com
A snippet from Construction News:
“Joiner, Willy Rennie, was unaware that he had shot himself in the head with his nail gun, until he returned to the site canteen and found he was unable to remove his hard hat.”
Hope Janey Godley Kids Reading for her Saturday gig @ the Meadows. not that she needs help. She is Scotland’s comedy Queen for sure..
BTW, I was reading this morning that the USA has imposed a 25% tariff on certain goods from the EU including Scotch whisky, so what’s the story with that? If the UK is leaving the EU in three weeks time, Scotch whisky won’t be an EU product any longer so the tariff will be ineffectual. It’ll take longer to type up the documents than the tariff will apply!
Or does the USA know something that we don’t?
“Anyone got any questions?”
Yeah, Rev, as per the previous thread, twice, when would YOU have held Indy Ref 2?
IS reading…..Not KIDS
[…] Wings Over Scotland 57 Channels And Nothing On Yeah, we know we haven’t had a post up in days. What is there to say? The news is […]
What’s the difference between a bodhran and a good pair of shoes? A good pair of shoes bucks up your feet!
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
They’re really good at it.
Who’s flying with out wings ?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” The dad says,
“Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism.
Your mother, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the government.
We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people.
The nanny, we’ll consider her the working class, and your baby brother, we’ll call him the future.
Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.”
The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his nappy. The little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.”
The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep shit.”
When our lawn mower broke down, Mrs Hackalumpoff kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
Somehow I always had something else to take care of first – the boat, car, fishing, shed – always something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I came out again and handed her a toothbrush. “When you finish cutting the grass,” I said, “you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will probably walk again, but I will always have a limp…..
Right peeps, since we’re killing time, what’s required of a one man operation to meet the requirements of the latest Data Protection Act?
Are there any other one man Ltd Company or sole trader dudes out there who can fill me in? It’s doing my head in
If I get a useful answer, I promise to post a good joke
2 crows looking down at a field and one says ‘Be careful, there’s a human down there.’
The 2nd says ‘Don’t worry – it’s only a scarecrow’
How do your know?
Because it’s not looking at a mobile phone!
A priest a rabbi and a pastor were arguing about which religion could affect animals the most.
They all decide to try their religion on the local grjzzly bear population. Three weeks later they meet ul in hospital where the Rabbi is ill to discuss how it went.
The lriest recounts how he read from the Bible to the bear and when the bear attacked he splashed him with holy water, which calmed the bear.
Ghe paxtor told how he met the grizzly and read fire and brimstone from the good book, and when the bear attaked they both fel! in the river wher the pastor baptised the bear making it instantly docile.
“what about you “they asked the Rabbi who was swathed in bandages.
“On reflection perhaps circumcision was not a good first xtep” said the Rabbi
How many Tory leaders does it take to screw a joke?
It’s a Tory Stockbroker’s first day in prison. He meets his psychotic-looking cell mate, who notices how scared the stockbroker looks.
“I’m in for a white-collar crime, too.” he says
“Oh, really?” says the stockbroker, sighing with relief.
“Yes,” says the cellmate, “I killed a vicar.”
So she’s in the Doctors office to be examined legs at ten tae two, she says to the doctor “well what dae ye think” he says “I think you’ve got acute angina” she says “thanks very much son but I didnae come here tae be chatted up”
The doctor leaves the rooms saying “I’m getting a second opinion back in a minute” four men in white coats come in and they aw huv a wee look tae, she says “well what dae ye think” they say “We’d like tae help ye oot missus but we’re only here tae paint the walls”
Glenn says:
3 October, 2019 at 2:00 pm
Re: Written Constituition for Scotland, I believe some sources have done work on this. This is what I have found:
link to en.wikipedia.org
link to scottishconstitution.scot
Why not call your proposed party for List Seats in the upcoming Holyrood elections the ‘YES PARTY’
The “Scottish” editions of English newspapers.
Why did the one-eyed chicken cross the road?
To get to the Birds Eye shop.
After suffering some erectile disfunction I went to the doctors. He told me that I would have to be very careful taking the new viagra pill. He said ” It’s so strong that if you don’t swallow it quickly, you’ll end up with a stiff neck”
I heard we’re having a March in October, better than a January in June.
Man walks into the doctors with a steering wheel jammed down his pants.
“Help me, doctor. This thing’s driving me nuts!”
“Doctor, I’d like you to have a look at my cock.”
“Hmm, I can’t see anything wrong with it.”
“I know, it’s a beauty, isn’t it.”
@ hackalumpoff @ 3.06 & 3.09pm
Brilliant, I am still laughing.
I Love this thread…nice respite from all of the sheeite.
Westie: Want to hear a joke?
Alsatian: Aye – on you go.
Westie: Knock knock.
Alsatian goes berzy.
🙂
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog seller and says “make me one with everything”
Ken Dodd’s deid. The dodo’s deid. Di’s deid. Dodi’s deid.
Dido’s crapping herself.
Stolen Jokes……
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the mail. I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
****************************************************
Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
*************************************
Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”
“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”
–
Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house yesterday and my friend doesn’t believe that you have toilet bowls of pure gold!”
–
The lady looks at him for a moment and then yells into the inside of the house, “Roger, the pig that shat in your trombone is here!”
**************************************************
A Japanese man in a monastery atop a sacred mountain asks the wise man:
–
“Master Ayumu, why do all Westerners think that Japanese people look alike?”
–
“I am not Master Ayumu.”
******************
Best and biggest Joke……….Willie Rennie Lol…..politician Lol….AND leader of a party Ha Ha Ha Ha BLol
It’s an oldie … but still pertinent.
While walking down the street one day Boris is hit by a truck and dies.?? His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
??’Welcome to heaven,’ says St. Peter. ‘But before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see such a high-ranking official around these parts and we’re not sure what to do with you.’??
‘No problem, just let me in,’ says Boris.
??’Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.’
??’Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,’ says Boris.
??’I’m sorry, but we have our rules.’?? And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his old friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
??Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake hands, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.??They play a friendly game of golf, feed some ducks and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.??
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before they realise it, it is time to go.??
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises….??
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.??’Now it’s time to visit heaven.’??
So, 24 hours pass with Boris joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. He has a good time and, before he realises it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
??’Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.’??
Boris reflects for a minute; ‘Well, I would never have said it before, heaven has been delightful, but I really think I would be better off in hell.’??
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.??
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.??He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.??
The devil comes over to him and puts his arms around his shoulders. ‘I don’t understand,’ stammer Boris;? ‘Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and I ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, fed the ducks and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.?What happened? ‘??
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, ‘ Yesterday we were campaigning….??Today you voted!’
Here’s to the Buck Palace unicorn.
“I want to break free
I want to break free
I want to break free from your lies
You’re so self satisfied I don’t need you
I’ve got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free”
Glenn at 2.00PM link to yesedinburghwest.info
Dr.Mark McNaught?
I told my wife I thought she was drawing her eyebrows on too high.
She looked surprised.
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man’s heart beats quicker,
his throat gets dry,
he goes weak at the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
-Ever wondered why?
…..Because she smells like a new car.
A farmer named Hamish had a car accident.
In court, the lorry company’s hot-shot solicitor was
questioning Hamish.
‘Didn’t you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’ asked the solicitor.
Hamish responded: ‘Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just
loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the…’
‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the solicitor interrupted. ‘Just
Answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?’
Hamish said, ‘Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…’
The solicitor interrupted again and said, ‘Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Hamish’s answer and said to the solicitor: ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie’.
Hamish thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Now what would you say? ‘
Very ordinary Scottish comic/singer at a Shearing’s weekend in the Highlands asks for any requests.
English voice at the backs yells ‘do you know how to sing Far Far Away’
A guy sat down next to me on the train pulled out his phone and showed me a photo of his wife. He said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”
I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my wife mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?”
I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Labour will win many seats at the next GE in Scotland boom boom.
A man walked into a bar.
“Ouch”.
It was an iron bar.
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers, and demonstrated with her hands the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded,added that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, then demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece. Then the third old lady chipped in with:”I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.
Rev, put on “Glued” by Crashland and have a bop about the place if you want some entertainment 🙂
The one on the left looks like pat shortt who played Tom the crazy tractor driver in father ted.
Two flies sitting on a shit
one farts
the other says ‘d’you mind, I’m trying to eat my dinner here’
Nation Libre
link to ico.org.uk
@Brian Doonthetoon 2:47
That reminds me of the one about the Irishman who always wore two condoms. When asked why his response was “to be sure, to be sure.”
Cannot do links…BUT
On Youtube please watch this :
“Daevid Allen, Gong, London, 19 June 2008, InSpiral”
Hopefully you can find it…hilarious..and can be so so easily adapted to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING happening today.
Enjoy….warning..there IS bad language a plenty BUT we ARE all adults are we not ….unfortunately.
Wonder if Jo Swinson knows any good jowks.
Stu Campbell
You’ve been a wee bit critical of the SNP recently. It’s easy to criticise, too easy, when it comes to the SNP and their s30 indyref policy.
But, you know me, I’m never one to criticise the SNP – more than a hundred times a week.
Anyway, you posted previously about just becoming independent. By what process? GE manifesto mandate or what?
I visited my granny in her nursing home about a month before she died.
two care assistants were rubbing grease onto her back.
Well, I tell you, she went downhill a lot quicker after that
William Wallace was betrayed into the hands Edward I of England.
He didn’t take it too well. He was all cut up about it and lost the heid.
The police stop a man on the M8 for speeding…
The policeman says ” now Sir would you mind telling me what’s the rush “?
The man says ” well officer, I have just killed my wife and I wanted to bury her body before morning ”
The policeman is shocked and takes a slight step back..
Then he says ” did you just say that you murdered your wife”?
The man says ” yes officer,I bashed her head in with a spade,and now I’m going to bury her…
“Where is your wife’s body now sir” asked the Policeman?
“Why it’s in the boot of my car along with the spade officer” replies the man.
The policeman takes another step back and says ” Would you mind just waiting right there sir till I call my sergeant”?
“Not at all”says the man.
A short time later the Sergeant arrived and says to the man
“My officer tells me that you’ve killed your wife and her body is in the boot of your car”
And the man says
” Oh Aye, and I’ll bet the lying bastard says I wiz speeding as well”….
PM to FM
Your money or your life
FM
Let me think about it
Masochist to Sadist
Hurt me
Sadist
No
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb
Two
One to change it,the other to hold the penis
galamcennalath @ 1.51 pm
You do know, I have a parable about that? 🙂
And I also include my country – whereas yours doesn’t!
Regards,
I want to get rid of politics im fed up of it
All those in favour raise you hands please
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman went into a pub. They looked at each other and the Englishman said “there’s only supposed to be three of us” so they all want outside again.
An Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman went into the pub.
Could try a round robin joke / shaggy dog story, where everyone adds a line to the back of the rest of it. Here’s a maybe starter.
Boris Johnson walks into a bar.
Boris Johnston walks into a bar
And a man with a Scottish accent wearing a mask on his face says give us all of yer money
Man goes into bar frequented by criminals
Anyone want a ticket for the Policeman’s Ball?
Naw we don’t dance.
it’s no a dance it’s a raffle!
Why do elephants have big ears? Because they sit atop the mountain.
Boris Johnston walks into a bar
And a man with a Scottish accent wearing a mask on his face says give us all of yer money
Boris says m the prime minister I haven’t got any
So the masked man says well give us all of MY money
Here’s my story. (Apologies for length.)
59. (of 60.)
Four men in a nightclub
George, Dai, Jock and Mick/Mike were work colleagues at Yookay Ltd. and shared the same building. George and Dai tended to work close together (despite Dai not really enjoying such a set up), whilst Jock and Mick/Mike had a little more autonomy within their own offices. George tended to think of himself as being the most important member of their group – the Team Leader or the David Brent, if you like.
Consequently, and in the nature of office politics at Yookay Ltd., he tried to control the work practices of Dai, Jock and Mick/Mike; a habit the other three had long grown tired of. Well, although I say the other three had long grown tired of George’s domineering persona, they had not however, as yet, taken the final step of breaking up their partnership with him.
George then considered himself the leader of their section and tended to exert his influence even outside the offices of Yookay Ltd. Dai was of the type not to upset the apple cart and tended to keep moody silences; keeping his head down and getting on with his projects.
Jock however was rather more vocal and would often raise his voice against George’s “unwarranted meddling.”
Mick/Mike’s was a more special case. You see, he suffered from Dissociative Identity Disorder. On some days, the Mick personality was dominant and, after having had a bitter row with George, he would seek reassurances from his half-brother, Paddy; an ex-employee of Yookay Ltd., but who was now working successfully for himself. At other times, the Mike personality would pledge undying loyalty to George and the set up at Yookay Ltd., and not a cross word would be exchanged between him and his colleague.
In such a way, the colleagues of Yookay Ltd. rubbed along, and the company itself limped on from financial quarter to financial quarter.
Now, one evening, the four colleagues had gone to the Europa nightclub together. What George had seen in going there in the first place was rather a mystery. You will have already have gathered that George was not very much a team player or a social animal. His attitude at the nightclub confirmed all this. The music was too loud. Or it was not to his taste. The lights were too bright. The guests were performing ‘obscene’ movements as they gyrated on the dance floor. The drinks from the bar were some imported, fancy stuff – not like the warm beer he preferred in the Farage Arms pub back home. And the cost of entry! Goodness gracious! It was so exorbitant – and that for facilities he didn’t like one bit: he was minded to ask for a personal rebate.
It was then that George announced, “We’re going home.”
Now, it’s one thing to say that you don’t like a party and that you’re leaving. But, don’t you think it was a bit presumptuous of George to actually say “we” and including Dai, Jock and Mick/Mike in the equation and without making sure with them first? That wasn’t George’s way though. At work, as we have seen, he was known for throwing his weight about and getting his own way. In a similar fashion, he thought he could bully his colleagues into his ways of thinking outside Yookay Ltd.’s offices, too.
“We’re going home?” Jock retorted scornfully, emphasising the “we.” “And who do you think you are telling us that “we” are the ones going home from this great nightclub?”
“I saw you flirting with that dark-haired girl over there in the corner,” said George. “Positively unseemly. Not the conduct we’d expect from an employee of Yookay Ltd.”
“You mean Frances,” Jock replied. He grinned. “Frances was an ex of mine and we lost touch when I started working for Yookay Ltd. We were very close. We even had an alliance to be married. I was getting re-acquainted.”
The grin disappeared and was replaced by a grimace.
“Until your ham-fisted approach broke up our relationship,” Jock added bitterly.
“Why you ungrateful little creep! I’ve given you more than enough support at Yookay Ltd.! What more could you ask for?”
George was shouting.
“What more could I ask for?” Jock repeated. “Why, you could let me make up my own decisions on projects at work. You could stop looking down on me and telling me what to do all the time. And you’re not telling me that just because this Europa nightclub is not doing the things you want, that we have to leave.”
Jock’s resentments over the years were boiling over.
“In fact, George, I’ve had enough of you and your bullying over the years – I’m leaving you!” he shouted.
“He’s right, you know,” mumbled Dai.
But people rarely listened to him on account of his soft voice and his lack of self-confidence. It would have taken much more of an effort on his part to sound off in the same way as Jock had done.
“Shut it!” George roared at Dai, in typical Eastenders fashion. “You told me before you wanted to leave. You’re in this with me! You know your future lies under my stewardship at Yookay Ltd. Think how stupid Jock would be throwing in his lot with this bunch of strangers, and an ex he hasn’t spoken to in years. He wouldn’t last a year with any of them – and away from us at Yookay Ltd.”
Dai said nothing and looked down at his shoes.
“You’re wrong, George,” Mick said softly. “My half-brother, Paddy has been coming to this Europa nightclub now for years. And he’s enjoyed the internationalism of it immensely. No more ructions with you at Yookay Ltd. He’s now free to do his own thing and make his own friends. He has a place in the world – he knows it and his friends know it. He’s a happy man. And I want to join him in that happiness.”
“Another ("Tractor" - Ed)!” George bawled. “Such ingratitude! To be honest with you, when you were in your Mike phases, I tended to over-indulge you. And this is how you repay me! Well, good riddance! I can do without the lot of you! I’m going home – and to hell with this poxy nightclub. I never wanted to come here in the first place. Come on, Dai!”
“See you,” chorused Jock and Mick, grinning at George.
“We should have left you and Yookay Ltd. long ago. We’re going to stay and enjoy the party atmosphere here at the Europa,” Jock added defiantly. “Too bad you can’t stay!”
George stormed out, muttering threats against Jock and Mick under his breath. Dai stood on the threshold, a confused look on his face. He was less sure of where his destiny lay.
_____
Parables for the New Politics
2012-2019
Jokes for Scots.
1. What is brown and can sting your cheeks?
A jaw bee.
2. Scuse me Mr Butcher, is that your Ayrshire bacon?
Naw, I’m just warmin my hauns.
3. My wife went to ain o the less populir Caribbean islands last year.
Haiti?
Naw, she could have gone tae a populir yin if she wantit.
R. How do you make a Ouija board?
Start talkin aboot Embra.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you, I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Unionist Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money fromyou. I’m doing community service this week.’ The Unionist Member of Parliamentwas very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Unionis Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference betweenthe citizens of our country and the unionist politicians who mostly run it.
Did anyone else notice former Col. TRuthless sitting int he second row, behind Carless Jackass at FMQs today.
She looked like the Heid Wummin in an Orange Lodge, but one who didn’t want to be there, her face was tripping her.
Maybe that was her reaction to the verbal kicking Jackass was getting from the FM, a mixture of: “I could have done better” and: “I would not have asked that.”
Nothing hard about being a hostage.
I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
@Doug
“Why do Elephants have Big Ears?”
Because Noddy wouldn’t pay the ransom.
I’d like to dedicate this btl to my late mum.
She missed her bus.
I shouldn’t joke about my mum.
She’s got aids.
One for each year.
This has to be one of the most commented pieces ever. You need a like button and we can make it a contest with Wings goodies as prizes. Thanks for the entertainment. Just what was needed!
@Conan the Librarian 6:39pm
You’re right. Damn the predictive text!
Eventually, serious EU negotiations will have to take place and they will go something like this..… (fades to brightly lit consulting room)
Michel Barnier donned his white lab coat, set his headlamp firmly on his forehead, looked at the appointment dairy and groaned. ‘Better together, get on with it I suppose’, he thought and pressed the buzzer for the next patient.
A strange figure appeared sporting a rain cloud, a beer belly and a butcher’s apron; possibly a European’s stereotypical image of a resident from the other side of the La Manche.
“Ah! Monsieur le Rosbif, come in. No, don’t sit down. We will have your Brexit sorted out in no time, just bend over.”
Snap! The rubber gloves went on. Monsieur le Rosbif looked around hopefully at a tin marked ‘KY’.
“No, you wouldn’t want that. I got it off a Kirkaldy fishing boat with a Filipino crew. It’s probably chili paste.”
The investigation commenced. After a bit of probing, Michel Barnier noted, “I think there is a stone causing an obstruction. Let me see… no, it’s a rock, a hairy rock. Barbary macaque my words, that will have to go. Just a moment.”
Michel Barnier left the consulting room holding the offending item, muttered something in Spanish and returned empty handed.
“Sorted. Now what else have we got in there… hmm… that looks nasty, all covered in orange bands. I wonder if the Taoiseach is around? What’s that? No, I haven’t got a cold. Just hold still for a moment. Right got that, though it was a border line case. I will tell the Taoiseach that with enough rain, over time the orange bands will fade to a dull green.”
“Oui, un dernier regard. Ah! oui, an adhesion. It looks like a rare Hadrian’s adhesion. You don’t want one of those, much better without it. I will just get the snips out. They should still be warm after they were used on a vasectomy – made a vas deferens that did. No, you can’t pict and choose about this, you wanted the Brexit and that is what you will get. “
“Mais oui, très bien, you are looking better already, almost back to the shape you were in during the 16th century. Go and lie down in a darkened room for a while, maybe all of winter. It will get dark as the lights go off given how so much of your electricity is imported from Scotland, France and the Netherlands, then come back for some more treatment.”
“Yes, there will be more treatment. I am banking on it”.
A dung beetle walks into a bar and says is that stool taken?
Traffic policeman sitting just off the motorway checks his watch and sees that his shift is almost over
Just then a car flys pas at 90 miles per hour.
He chases and stops the car and tells the driver that he do without working late and doing all the paperwork but it was his duty to do so but if he can give him a good reason for speeding that he hasn’t heard before, he can travel on without the ticket.
The driver said sure, many years ago I married young and rushed into it.
My wife turned out to be a nasty piece of work.
She wouldn’t clean the house do the washing or cook and worst of all she messed around with other guys. Eventually she ran off with a policeman who worked in the traffic division.
When I seen your car hiding up the slip road and when you turned on your lights and siren I thought
You might be trying to bring her back to me.
The cop finished work on time.
This for the older cybernats younger ones may need to update the references:-
THe class get their first sex education lesson and the teacher asks for examples to show they understood:-
“please miss, please miss”
“yes Mary”
I was at the zoo the other day and two monkeys were sitting on top of each other is that sex?”
“you are probably right Mary, Anyone else?”
“please miss”
“Yes James”
“I heard a noise from my parents’ bedroom so I opened the door and my dad was lying on top of my mum and they were bouncing up and down. Is that sex?”
“Again probably James, any others?”
“miss, miss”
“Yes Tommy”
“I was at the pictures the other day and there were 5 cherokee on top of John Wayne is that sex?”
“tommy I don’t think you understand properly”
“oh thank gawd miss I knew it would take more than 5 to F**k John Wayne”
Nothing good on the Telly Stu?
Never mind, there is a YooKayish version of “Ru Paul’s Drag Race” coming to our screens(BBC3), very soon … that should cheer you up.
Treat yourself to John Oliver and ‘Stupid Watergate’
link to youtube.com
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
When I fart in the bath, I can make my bottom say ‘Edward Woodward’.
*************************
What do you call a woman who can sink all the balls on a snooker table while balancing a pint of export on her head?
Beertrix Potter.
*************************
My urine test came back positive.
It was urine.
What does a farmer say when he’s looking for his tractor?
–
“Where is my tractor?”
********************************************
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, ‘We’re going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.’
The Englishman responds, ‘I’d like to hear “God Save The Queen” just one more time to remind me of the old country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.’
The Irishman replies, ‘I’d like to hear “Danny Boy” just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O’Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.’
The Welshman answers, ‘I’d like to hear “Men Of Harlech” just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.’
The Scotsman says quickly, ‘I’d like to be shot first.’
***********************************************
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares
*************************************************
Man sits down in a bar
He hears someone whisper, “Pssst…I like your tie.” The man looks around but doesn’t see anyone.
“Pssst…that color looks nice on you.”
He asks the bartender, “Excuse me, but…are you speaking to me?”
The bartender rolls his eyes and says, “No, sorry about that. It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”
**************************************************
I was at the park wondering why this frisbee kept getting bigger… and then it hit me.
****************************************************
A man walks into a bar and says, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, “Give me a beer before the problems start!”
The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, “When are you going to pay for these beers?”
The man answers, “Now the problems start!”
Nothing on the telly what else is new .
I bet Jackson Carlaw wishes FMQS had not been on the telly today .Who thought it was a good idea to put Ruth behind him in full view of the cameras face like thunder and got caught nodding in agreement with Nicola
@ColBlimp
“Nothing good on the Telly Stu?”
In 1 hour at 9pm, BBC4.
Eugenics: Science’s Secret Scandal
When they first trailed it a month back it was entitled, Eugenis: Britain’s Secret Scandal and had footage featuring Francis Galton and the English origins of the philosophy which underpinned the rize of Nazi Germany some decades later.
Jim, a Scotsman, moves to Dublin for a new job and joins a golf club to try to make new friends. He asks the barman in the clubhouse if he thinks anyone might like to play a round with him.
The barman nods to a guy at the end of the bar and says “ask Michael, he’ll play with you”. Jim and Michael agree to play the following morning, “I’ll meet you at 9, but I may be a half an hour late” says Michael. “No problem, see you then” says Jim.
Michael arrives at 9 prompt and, noticing that Michael has a set of left-handed clubs, Jim decides to make things interesting. “€5 a hole?” says Jim. “Aye, why not” replies Michael.
By the 18th, Jim is down by €150 and feeling decidedly hard done by. Back at the clubhouse, Jim is keen to win back some of his hard-earned and says to Michael “now I’ve played the course, do you fancy another round tomorrow?” “Why not”, says Michael, “I’ll see you at 9, but I may be a half an hour late”. “No probs” says Jim.
Michael arrives at 9 sharp, and Jim notices Michael has a set of right-handed clubs. Bemused, Jim agrees to the same wager and, sure enough, is down €150 by the 18th.
Curiosity gets the better of him in the clubhouse, and Jim asks about the clubs.
“Sure” says Michael, “if I wake and see my wife is sleeping on her left side I play left-handed. If she sleeps on her right I play right-handed”.
Jim thinks, and asks ” but what if your wife sleeps on her back?” “I might be a half an hour late” says Michael.
Chicmac
Well, the English have always been partial to breeding.
Dogs, Horses, Toffs and the like … hardly surprising that they wanted to extend the program to the rest of us.
For a change from the jokes, a slice of Scottish music. To explain the back story…
As a DJ in the 90s, I did an 11 year old’s birthday party. He brought me a CD and asked me to play something off it.
I found this track, which I have featured in “off-topic” in the past. The album was “Tom Wilson’s Tartan Techno” and the track was “Freedom” by QFX.
link to en.wikipedia.org
What surprises me is that I’ve never seen QFX on stage at any of the rallies I’ve been at over the past 5 years or so. “Freedom” should have been/should be another of our indy anthems.
link to youtube.com
How many millennials does it take to change a lightbulb?
They don’t try to change it. They respect it for who it is.
OOH!
This automatically played after the last one – Qfx-freedom(braveheart mix).
link to youtube.com
(505,581 views.)
How many Microsloth engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None – they redefine ‘darkness’ as a feature.
I have a question, how do you manage to put up with the constant shit from that massive dick trolling unionist, Colin?
The Morning Star, on Wednesday, produces this headline : “Labour MSPs condemn ‘sickening sight’ as SNP and Tories unite to block rail renationalisation”.
No lie too big.
Oldies but goodies.
Thor meets a beautiful young woman. Being Thor, things progress quickly and they make mad passionate lurve all night long. Just before dawn he goes to leave, ‘Who are you ?’ asks the woman. ‘I cannot tell you’ says Thor and leaves.
Smitten, the next day finds her, they have passionate rumpy pumpy all night long. Dawn is about to break, once again she asks.’Tell me your name’. ‘I cannot’, he says and leaves. This happens a few times more. He leaves and thinks that’s it, but then decides to go back a few days later as he cannot get her out of his mind.
He knocks on her door and stands before her in all his glory, holding his hammer. ‘I am Thor’ he says. She takes one look and punches him.
‘You’re thore’ she lisps ‘ I was pithing broken glath and couldn’t walk straight’. And shuts the door.
************************************************************
Q. What is black and shiny and sails the Seven Seas?
A. Bin Bag the Sailor
************************************************************
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Banana
Banana Who?
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Banana
Banana Who?
Knock Knock
WHO’S THERE???
Orange
FFS. Orange WHO?
Orange you glad I’m not another Banana…
Couldn’t walk ‘thtraight…’
Re; Silver darling@8.45
Is that a question, or a joke? Anyhoo, she sounds like she learned a valid lesson or three urgh.
Brexit will render us all royally screwed that’s for sure, but maybe that is nothing particularly new when it comes to Scotland, it’s been going on for fckg centuries.
It’s about time Scotland grew a pair of ba**s, as my cousin might say, though I think Nicola Sturgeon knows that all too blooming well.
Someone’s on their way out..Jackson Carlaw….
All that work for nowt…Jackson Carlaw…
Bojo n Brexit trying hard to tout…Jackson Carlaw..
Seems he’s no got any clout….Jackson Carlaw…
Looks like there’s been a big fallout…Jackson Carlaw…
His colleagues thinks he’s a washout…Jackson Carlaw…
So he’s just about tae checkout…Jackson Carlaw…
From the leadership race he’s been shutout…Jackson Carlaw…
Like Ruth he’ll son be in the dugout…Jackson Carlaw…
The contenders :
Could be Jamie Green…he looks about fifteen…a tan like a tan tan tangerine…so obscure he’s almost unseen…easy mistaken for someone’s wean…I bet he would buy a magic bean….listen to him ? I’d rather burst my spleen…
Could be Michelle Ballantyne…not so much Mother Theresa more Frankenstein (Monster)….and she loves to tow Bojo’s Brexit party line…her and Bojo like a cocktail made of Turpentine…they both think their in a bloody pantomine….he’s widow twankey and she’s his evil concubine (political)…listen to her ? I’d rather twist an intestine…
Could be Brian Whittle…well kent for being brittle…his favourite thing is to belittle…he used to run but lost his spittle…and as a tory he’s committed to being non committal..listen to him ? I’d rather choke on a skittle…
Don’t get me started on NON starter Annie Wells…she’s still trying to find her brain cells….when she speaks she surely repels…another one that only thinks of themselves…listen to her ? I’d rather eat hemorrhoid gels
Sorry ran out of (stealing) jokes so did the above….me bad…as ever.
Though Joke could be ..on me…if Jackson C…ended up as the Head B…… ( you fill in the blanks but the B rhymes…clue tis not Master (obvs as starts with a ‘B’) but kinda rhymes with Lol ).
An auld couple are walking home one night and see two dugs shagging in the street. The auld boy turns and says “Do you no fancy trying something like that to spice up our sex life a bit, hen?”
“Ya dirty auld bastard!” shouts the wifie “I most certainly will not, get that filth right oot yer heid!”
A month goes by and the pair are lying in bed watching telly.
“Mind that time we saw those dugs?” Says the wifie.
“Aye…whit aboot it?”
“Well…I was just thinking, I mibbe fancy a wee shot at that efter all”
“Ohh ya dancer!” Says the auld boy “Do ye fancy trying it the noo?”
“Aye, ok” she says “but can we go tae a street whaur naebody kens us?”
Yeah, I’ve a Question Rev
Given that folks 55 upwards (or onwards!) are mostly in favour of remaining in the UK – could we start a debate about a Pensions Strategy in the new Scotland?
It could include reversing the age back to 60 and 65 for women and men respectively……..with back pay for anyone who is losing out now.
When asked how Bevan managed to get the NHS up and running, given the notable opposition from GP Doctors, he said he ‘filled their mouths with gold’
Maybe we should be doing the same with our senior members?
(Paid for by the annual levy agreed with our fantastic neighbours for us allowing them to park their nukes in our beautiful Loch for £5 Billion per annum)
a racist, a homophobe, a transphobe all walk into a safe space …
– this was the last joke ever made before “comedy” was banned under the verbal violence acts of 2025, 2026, 2030
today the edinburgh festival consists of all diverse types having a massive group hug and affirming-the-shit out of each other
From 9pm till 10 pm
Bbc1. Whole of UK getting ” The Met. Policing London”
BBC1 Scotland “Tiny Lives” . . Premature Babies
Two enormous hippos are in the mud, enjoying the sun, wee birds eating beasties aff their heids…
Hippo 1: Know what?
Hippo 2: What?
Hippo 1: I keep thinking it’s Wednesday.
OMFG…. The child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was real…
See…
The British Shame Eugenics Programme!
This morning I was working in the garden and thought I heard disco music by the Bee Gees emanating from the veg patch… but on closer inspection I discovered it was just the chive talkin…
Q. How many software programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None…..it’s a hardware problem.
If you want a good laugh, you could go onto You Tube and watch Trump having an escalating series of meltdowns over his forthcoming impeachment. The latest is “Gatorgate”.
I just hope they’ve hidden the nuclear buttons somewhere safe, like inside a book.
@Clydebuilt at 9.31pm
These days, surely so as not to cause any offence, that should be “Premature Babies and Theybies”.
@ArtyHetty
Yes, it was morality tale for any young women out there even thinking of having lots of consensual sex over a short period of time with a notoriously philandering mythological god.
Especially if they have a lisp…?
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland.
So I’m guessing some poll results are on the way.
@ Colin Alexander
Perfect, thanks for that
(most) Politicians are like bananas. They’re yellow, they hang together and there’s not a straight one among ’em
Man says to wife
“I’m bored. Lets spice our sex up a bit”
“Well, Ok “says wife with some hesitation. “How?”
“Let’s try the wheelbarrow method”
“”The wheel barrow method? What’s that?”
“Well you kneel down on the floor,cacks off and I come behind you. I grab you just above the knees,lift you up and tip you forward and off we go…..”
“Well, OK. Just as long as we don’t go down past my nmothers….
Are the Norn irln politicians politicians getting paid for 1000 days off??
Imagine Holyrood doing this!!!
@Liz g at 9:40
It mentioned Karl Pearson but missed out his part in bringing the eugenics message to Germany. He was a student at Heidelberg and gave lectures in Germany. He was such a Germano-phile that he eventually adopted the German spelling of his English name – Carl – and became so fluent in German that he was offered a post in the German department of Cambridge University which he declined.
He also refused the knighthood he was offered in, IFIRC, 1933.
They also mentioned the German the possibly eugenics influenced deaths in SW Africa but forgot to mention the British concentration camps during the Boer war which killed many tens of thousands whites and coloureds, although they respected apartheid by having different camps for each.
The Greens Ross Greer trolling the FM now and spreading misinformation about fracking
SNP MSP Paul Wheelhouse corrected him yet still he continues to spread nonsense designed to confuse the uninformed
Whoever Ross Greer’s constituents are let’s hope they take another look at him next time they think about who they want to vote for because this guy does nobody any favours
ahm wae the cheeky blighter at 9.23 PM HA HA
Boris Johnson has been saying words along the lines of ‘vote Labour and get a Scottish Independence referendum within a year’ I’m not sure who he’s speaking to? Maybe following up on Ruth’s dogwhistle to the Orangemen? Certainly his party in Scotland couldn’t lie straight in bed, they’ve been back and forward on Brexit etc like there’s no tomorrow.
But he’s stoking ‘fear’ of this based on comments recently and in the past from both Corbyn and McDonnel. But now that Labour in Scotland places fourth, has SLAB any REAL influence over the party nationally?
When SLAB could regularly return 50 MPs and the majority were safe seats with long term incumbents then they DID have a voice. There’s no such thing as a Labour safe seat now (in Scotland) and I’m thinking that this is definitely affecting their ability to persuade the leadership. I’m not JUST basing it on this either. Recently I heard Labour’s announcement from conference that they had a ‘new’ policy on prescription charges. Yes folks, after BITTERLY opposing the SNP’s successful (and moneysaving) policy to end charges on prescriptions for all patients and having done so for YEARS, they are now declaring it THEIR idea and launching it as part of their manifesto for the upcoming general election.
THAT won’t make SLAB very happy, will it? But then, I’m guessing no one asked them…
I got fired from my job at the bank today. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
*******************************************************
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
*********************************************
A guy told me, “Nothing rhymes with orange.”
So I replied, “No it doesn’t.”
********************************************
A Ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The barmaid says ” Sorry we don’t serve food here ”
******************************************
A man walks into a hospital and tells the Nurse he needs to see a doctor because he’s invisible.
The Nurse tells the doctor there’s a patient here to see you that is invisible.
The doctor says to the Nurse ” Tell him I can’t see him ”
****************************************
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with…but I’ve been tripping all day.
*****************************************************
You know Rev I think we should have this kind of respite a lot more…just some chill out time from the mad mad mad mad mad mad madness…everyone else on t’internet is soooooooooooo serious…here’s MY opinion…here’s My info…etc etc……enough already…have a laugh…..relax…the sheeite will still be there tomorrow…and the next day…and the next day….btw…did anyone but anyone check out on YOUTUBE the Gong’s Daevid Allen clip I suggested on my post at 5.28pm ? ..anyone ?
Man walks into Westminster and asks for a vote.
A Tory says “I’m sorry we don’t serve Polls here”.
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a joke and the barman says “I’m sorry I don’t have any woman walks into a bar jokes”.
Clapper57 You win the wings jockfest laughter trophy ra night , and I agree a little lighthearted comedy to boost the spirit goes down well in the face of unrelenting lunacy
What’s big, grey, and sings cool jazz?
Elephants Gerald.
What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo?
Woolly jumpers.
Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?
He was in his cell.
Early yesterday morning, I opened the door in my pyjamas. Not many people have doors in their pyjamas. (Chic Murray.)
Man gets on bus carrying a shotgun. Driver asks why the shotgun? In case the bus is attacked by elephants. My bus has never been attacked by elephants. Effective, isn’t it said the man.
‘What’s the difference between a loaf of bread and an elephant?’
‘Don’t know’.
I’m not sending you out for a loaf of bread. You’ll come back with an elephant.’
Enough, already.
The EU have rejected Boris’ and Arlene’s No Surrender Lackstop.
Now that’s hilarious.
[…] Thanks to the Courtesy of : link to wingsoverscotland.com […]
I didn’t know there were so many bad jokes in the world , though I did like Clappers ,” A guy told me ‘Nothing rhymes with orange…..’
That has to be a winner, the rest of you have had too many Christmas crackers.
Plenty of bad jokes, especially among the Tories. The biggest joker of all. Johnston the most stupidest, dangerous, lying hypocrite psycho bastard on the planet. Imposed PM. A total idiot. Never have there been so many unionists promoted beyond their capabilities. What an utter and complete shambles. Now are predicted the UK is going into recession, The Westminster imbeciles will cause a world recession.
After causing the biggest migration crisis in Europe since 11WW. Costing £Trillions.Illegal wars trying to destroy the planet. Causing misery, maiming and killing millions of people. Causing a world banking crisis with banking fraud and tax evasion.
The Westminster unionists imbeciles are now trying to cause a world recession. Brexit.
The Tory Brexit mess. A complete and utter shambles. They could not make a bigger mess.
Save the world. Vote SNP/SNP. Vote for Independence. Get another to vote as well. For a better world.
Iraq, Dunblane, Lockerbie. Kept secret for 100 years. Under the Official Secrets Act.
Did you hear the one about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field
Did you hear about the underfunded Yes flags?
It turned into a riot. Eh, whit?
link to gofundme.com
It costs as much to administrate (UK) Gov pension as the pay out.
(UK) Gov OA Pensions should be £180+ a week. To cut out admin costs. The costs of admin are as bug as the payout. Admin based in the Mall Gov offices in London? UK Westminster Gov admin in London £2Billion++.
Scotland’s tax revenues pays for all (UK) Gov. Pensions and welfare benefits. Pensions are so low there has to be top up and admin costs. Additional unemployment or sickness benefit, instead of pension. Or pension credits for those in low incomes.
If the pension was £180+ a week. There would be more money for the elderly and less admin costs. Especially for elderly women who were denied their pension rights. Instead of being spend on admin and top up they who receive higher pensions as a right. It would save money.
The (UK) Gov is spending more on top ups and benefits. More costly to administrate than paying a higher pension amount. Instead of direct, higher payment. The bad Gov administration in London is costing Scotland more. People in Scotland die on average younger so should receive higher pension amount in any case.
If Scotland was Independent it could spend more on Gov pension for the elderly. This would be cost effective. A better diet and living conditions would keep people healthier. Less could be spent in healthcare. The elderly 20% of the population rely on 80% of the SNHS spending. It has been calculated as the human body deteriorates people get more sick.
Spend less on illegal wars, financial fraud, tax evasion, Hinkley Point, HS2, Trident etc. A complete and utter waste of money. To spend more on pensions, education and SNHS and other essential services and economic development. A win, win.
Vote SNP/SNP. Vote for Independence. Get another to vote as well. Vote for a better world. To make a difference.
Westminster cowardly unionist lunatics have targeted on women and children to cut benefits. Austerity. ConDems voted in to protect NHS and education and protect the vulnerable. Cut them all. Cut NHS £4Billion, cut Education £6Billion a year from 2015 to 2020. They cut welfare £6Billion a year for six years. £18Billion. They are spending £Billions on Hinkley Point, HS2, Trident. Losing £Billions on tax evasion. The Tory slush fund. The reason for Brexit. Total corruption and waste.
The Westminster unionists imbeciles have their priorities totally wrong. Self seeking, greedy two faced lying hypocrites. Most of them should be in jail. Including criminal Johnston. The biggest liar of all. Along with Brown and Blair. They caused Brexit.
Some years ago I was having lunch with the owner of a Swedish company, along with his UK sales manager who said the old guy didn’t speak English.
Suddenly the gentleman began to speak in perfect English:
“Three American soldiers were in a helicopter. They got hopelessly lost in a thick fog. The pilot flew really close to a tall building while one of the others held a piece of paper up to the window. Written on it in large letters “Where are we?”. Great idea! Then came the reply written on a window of the building.
“You are in a helicopter!”
You see, it was the Microsoft building and typically the message was accurate but totally bloody useless.”
Nigel Farage walks in a pub and orders a pint of Best.
The barman pours it then throws it in his face.
Farage goes mental, says “How dare you, I asked you for a pint of Best”
The barman says “aye, but you didn’t tell me how you want it delivered”
Farage then says, OK, I’ll have a pint of Best, in a pint glass and the barman replies, sorry, you made your decision, you can’t change your mind now
Now, this is funny. I have just heard through the grapevine that part of the Governments defence today is that The Prime Minister is not resident in Scotland ,therefore the court hzs no jurisdiction. Ha Ha Ha.
Maaaam! Daddy’s making toast for the birdies again!
She was only an optician’s daughter,
but two glasses and she made a spectacle of herself.
If you trawl the internet looking for Scottish jokes, perhaps something relevant to current political circumstances, the vast majority are about Scottish meanness.
Example … Guy announces he’s going out, down to the pub. He tells his wife to get her coat and hat on. She says that’s nice, being invited out to the pub for a change. He tells her, no no, she’s not going out but he’ll be turning off the heating when he’s away so she’ll need her coat to keep warm.
All very music hall. Humour from a past era, perhaps.
Is there truth in it? Certainly poverty means you have to watch the bawbees, and Scotland had much poverty. Still has, thanks to the Union. Have we, as a nation, a tendency to show fiscal responsibility, manage our money carefully? Not with Labour in charge, and we put Labour in charge a lot.
We certainly aren’t mean of spirit. Our attitudes to refugees appear more enlightened than our neighbours. We are certainly more outward looking and egalitarian, less xenophobic.
My mother used to comment on trips to England, “they give you a cup of tea without a slice of cake or even a wee biscuit, and they call us mean!”
No joke but breaking news:
Rory the Tory is no longer a Tory and is standing down @ next GE.
Small rabbit walks into a bar and asks for a pint of heavy and cheese toastie. Barman, concerned serves the rabbit but warns him that the beer is strong and drunken behaviour is not tolerated in the pub. Later on the rabbit asks for a large whisky and ham toastie. Barman serves him but again warns him of the strong drink. Later rabbit starts singing and becomes abusive and argumentative. Barman says right I warned you you’ve had too much to drink and you’re leaving. Rabbit says no it’s not the drink at fault it’s mixingmatoasties
Another for Scots only one.
I was on train in the Balkans when a bomb went off in our carriage.
Bosnia?
No, it was in the overhead luggage rack.
An engineer dies. At the Pearly Gates he says he’d like a look at Hell before coming in, so St Peter agrees. In Hell, he notices a few problems – flames, shit everywhere. He designs and builds proper sewage disposal and installs a sprinkler system. Satan is impressed and realises this is a useful guy to have around, but God calls and says he must be returned to Heaven. When Satan refuses, God threatens to sue. “Where are you going to get a fucking lawyer?” laughs Satan.
Welsh sion
So Rory De Tory has leaped from the pantomime horse, interesting.
The old ones are the best:
A white horse walks into a bar and say, bartender give me your finest whisky, the bartender says, I have the perfect whisky named after you, the white horse says whit Dobbin!
Two cows in a field, which one is going on holiday?
The one with the wee calf!
Boom Boom! 🙂
Sitting on his stool the accordionist is on the stage addressing his audience, asking them if they have any request they would like him to play, but unknown to him he has a tear in his trousers that is showing a testicle. A member of the audience in the front shouts up to him “do you know your baws are hanging out”. The accordionist looks down at him and says “I don’t know that one, but if you hum it I’ll join in”.
Rev on twitter says results for new poll he did in today, that would be the panelbase one that I could not get to losd last week, panelbase sent it out twice but twice it failed to load, strange that!!
Never had that issue with any other panel base poll although some occasionally come up and say not suitable for a tablet and needs to be loaded onto a computer. That politics one just hung up, wonder if i should put my tin hat on and mutter about cookies and weeding out known Indy supporters !
I see that Sky are saying Rory the Tory is intending standing for London Mayor after standing down as an MP
Heard this on the radio a while back.
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a pub for some lunch.
The Irishman says, “I’ll have the Colcannon please.”
The Scotsman says, “I’ll try the stovies.”
The Englishman says, “NO NO NO! We’ll ALL have the Ploughman’s Lunch, because that’s what I want!”
3 babies sitting in a Bar and 1 turns to the other 2 and says “You know something?, I think we’re in the wrang joke!”
How long does it take to walk two small dogs to the town centre?
Chihuahuas.
Constitutial expert makes the point that if the Queens speech is done prior to an election rather than post e!ection, then the Queen is effectively being used as a Party political broadcast for the Conservatives.if xhe agrees.
Another one down, another one gone, another one hits the dust.
The Tories into oblivion. The Brexit mess.
This is not a joke.
But it gives a flavour to life after leaving the EU.
Get ready for the nightmare.
“No-deal Brexit may make touring Europe ‘unviable’ for UK artists
Bands, theatre groups and sports clubs could be badly hit by need for visas, carnets and documents”
link to archive.fo
Rory no longer Tory. Got chucked out. Total opportunist. Now want to be Lord Mayor of London. Fantasist. There is no end to their troughing. Wasting public money. Putting up the public purse. Self seeking, greedy ignorant and arrogant.
@ twathater @ 1.56am
Hi twathater, you win my award for being a nice person.
@ Dorothy Devine @ 7.50am
Glad you liked it Dorothy…btw love the Scottish wildcat picture…tragic what is happening to them with their decline.
Have a lovely day both of you…and everyone else…cannot wait until tomorrow….got my marching boots ready.
@Clapper57
Re. Wildcats – link from a month back.
link to twitter.com
Note to Bob Mack. Good to see you contributed a tenner to the flags fundraiser. Sorry to see that it was 3 days ago and you are still second from the top of contributors.
@ Tartanpigsy at 8.23 a.m. Does the shortfall on your Flags fundraiser just mean a delay in placing the order? Perhaps a whipround in Edinburgh tomorrow? Might Wings stall help?
link to gofundme.com
eh. Wildcats. They are not endangered its just fake news where I live there are dozens
Edinburgh March
Weather for tomorrow looks like being cloudy, fine and dry with light winds.
See you there.
Boris deal flying a kite! Lipstick on a pig! says Irish Farmers Association.
Any politician who tries to interfere withe the GFA should hang their head in shame.
Pretty blunt… BBC interviewer politely but hastily ushers him off. 🙂
Irish Police chief saying his force will not staff or take up duties where ‘checkpoints’ are located…Pretty blunt!
Rumours 500 Scottish Police standing by to go to NI for Brexit? Why SGov?
Worth a watch
link to bbc.co.uk
Better than anticipated after the program title was changed.
Played down the transference of the ‘ideology’ to Germany although Karl Pearson did get a mention.
OTOH biggest surprise was the acknowledgement of Churchill’s support for eugenics.
@ Dan @ 11.35am
Hi Dan…thanks for that. It was lovely… but it is in the wild where they are endangered that is worrying…for various reasons..
My hubby is a member of the Scottish Wildcat association and like me, he cares passionately about their survival.
It is so sad.
I am , like many on here, I’m sure, passionate about animal rights and despair that there are people who seem to have such disregard for animals and their rights to exist. I hate any form of cruelty towards animals…whether it be hunting, abuse or those who seem to see an animal as a lesser being.
My brother, many many years back, used to paint posters for the organisation Hunt Saboteurs as he , like myself and my husband hates fox hunting….so imagine our anger at Jeremy Hunt stating in his leadership campaign bringing back a vote on Fox hunting…he truly is a Jeremy ‘Hunt’ is he not.
We have a young fox that we feed in our back garden…it is so timid and scrawny looking that we just felt we had to feed it to help it survive..especially with winter coming.
I always think it is justified to measure a person’s worth through how they treat animals…and those who mistreat them, are in my opinion, very much the lowest of the low as a human being.
Have a nice day Dan.
Swing of 4.7% from the SNP to the Tories in Bridge of Don Council by election in Aberdeenshire last night
link to twitter.com
I see Rev’s new poll looks…interesting! 🙂
@ wullie @ 11.54am
Hi wullie..what area do you stay in ?
You are very very lucky to see them as they renowned for being very elusive.. are they ‘pure’ wildcats ?
My understanding and the info my husband gets from Scottish Wildcat association is that they are in decline …..through habitat loss, hunting and hybridization with feral and domestic cats.
Anyway have a nice day
Jings, from the Court of Session, O’Neill as related by Michael Gray:
“Breaking: UK Government tell Scottish Court that Prime Minister Boris Johnson WILL send the extension letter to delay Brexit as required by Benn Act. Aidan O’Neill QC reads out bombshell legal statement in court, until now kept secret.”
+
“O’Neill: UK Government are telling this court one thing & the UK Union Parliament another – claiming UK will leave EU on the 31 of October come what may. New legal position given to petitioners just last night.”
BJ is ripping his own arse another one.
link to twitter.com
@HYUFD
You’re a complete and utter liar, here’s what it says:
“CON: 36.2% (+10.3)
SNP: 35.0% (+0.9)”
That is NOT a swing from Con to SNP.
@dadsarmy
Your were too kind there really. 🙂
Dads army Yes it is, the SNP vote may be up fractionally but the Tory vote is up more.
Same as the 2017 general election saw a swing from the Tories to Labour even though the Tory voteshare was up as Labour’s voteshare was up more
@HYUFD
It was an Independent before you dishonest twat. You take after your leader Boris Johnson, see this and look in the mirror:
link to twitter.com
Or was there something about “No other Ind(s) (-18.3) as prev.” you were too thick to understand?
Well, which one is it, are you monumentally thick or monumentally dishonest?
@callmedave
Well, the sun is shining 🙂
But not on HYFUD or BJ!
HYFUD.
Here is ALL the info from your link…
Bridge of Don (Aberdeen) first preferences:
CON: 36.2% (+10.3)
SNP: 35.0% (+0.9)
LDEM: 18.1% (+8.8)
LAB: 5.9% (-5.2)
GRN: 2.7% (+2.7)
UKIP: 1.1% (+1.1)
IND: 0.8% (-0.1)
RED: 0.2% (+0.2)
No other Ind(s) (-18.3) as prev.
Looks like the swings were from Independents and Labour to every other party.
The Tories held their seat and the SNP held theirs.
No need to lie…
Dads Army So clearly most of those Independent voters went Tory or LD NOT SNP this time
I was very disappointed when I took my kids to the zoo recently.
The only animal on display was a dog.
It was a Shihtzu.
@HYDUF
“So clearly most of those Independent voters went Tory or LD NOT SNP this time”
If you’re going to comment here at least look up how a swing works rather than dribble all over your keyboard.
You seem to be admitting to being monumentally thick.
Hmmm! Scottish court case is not news on big auntie BBC news.
Funny old Scottish world when Rory the Tory is big news. 🙂
Boris will sign the letter says his QC in court (for those not reading the proceedings on twitter).
Dads Army A swing works on the basis of movement between the main parties contesting a seat, if last night’s SNP to Tory swing in Aberdeen were repeated across Scotland the Tories would not lose any seats to the SNP and could even gain a few seats from the Nationalists
@HYUFD
You’re gibbering. Pull yourself together man!
Oh Wait! Not true that:
Boris will sign the letter says his QC in court (for those not reading the proceedings on twitter).
Boris will SEND the letter says his QC in court
HYUFD. 12.56..
The previous independents were not really independents they were unionists masquerading as independent to try and trick “ don’t knows” because they feared a big SNP rise in votes.
There was no big increase in SNP votes so the masquerading independents have disappeared and that will happen elsewhere too in future elections where the unionist masquerading as an independent trick was used.
All that has happened is that there has been the continuing and never ending
slight increase in SNP votes
crash in Labour votes
And the tactical voting of unionist voters moving from and to whoever they think will gather the most unionist votes away from the SNP
The Tory and Lib Dem’s gained 19.1% between them
The ghost unionists masquerading as independents were previously 18.3% but are now 0.1% so their voters have simply moved back to Tory and Lib Dem
No change really
Clapper57 says:
Best not to say where I live. I see pine Martin, owls, fox, badger, squirrels , eagles, Roe deer, otters, stoats,
The worst thing that anyone can do is inform any of these conservation type people about what you have in your area. They will ruin everything.
Glenn, there is a draft constitution for the Scottish state. It has not been adopted by the Scottish Parliament, but it’s worth consideration.
link to scottishconstitution.com
One has to laugh at the USA’s proposal to put a 25% levy on Scotch Whisky.
Seems that our erstwhile Conservative MP and ex Secretary of State for Scotland told the Commons last night that the tax could cost 3,000 jobs in the Scotch Whisky industry.
Tee hee hee, all these distilling, bottling, labelling, transportation jobs down the Swannee whilst Boris tells us Brexit is good and this the USA will give us a good deal. Thank fuck we all voted Tory, and not to stay in the EU.
As for the workers who may lose their jobs, welcome to the hostile environment of the social security systems and the banks with whom many will have loans and mortgages.
Still No, the dimwit turkeys who voted for an early Christmas in 2014.
Just saying like!
Going in to my local Morrison supermarket the other day I had to marvel at the Union Jack offensive where every conceivable vegetable, piece of beef, piece of pork, piece of lamb or piece of chicken is being blootered with Union Jack branding.
Out with the Saltire and Scottish produce and in with the Union Jack.
Indeed, in their enthusiasm to remove the Saltire Morrison’s are actually branding Scottish beef with a Union Jack. This I believe is illegal as is the non printing of rearing, slaughter and cutting code information on labels.
The farmers who produce meat, fruit and vegetables will be laughing a bundle at that as Scotland the Brand gets trashed. Ah well, it’s their livelihoods and businesses under threat – and if it’s a no deal, then export to Europe may be problematic.
But then again, dimwits and turkeys voted for this in the 2014 referendum.
Ho, Ho, Ho still no chaps.
Well here’s a jingo if going to the supermarket reminds you of a last night at the proms.
“IF IT’S GOT A JACK THEN PUT IT BACK “
Easy enough to remember. Make it your mantra. Support Scottish jobs and Scotland the Brand.