The Wings Pantomime 2013: Cindyrella
(Enter Nae Buttons, wearing a pageboy uniform and a tuba.)
NB: Hello, small, insignificant people
CHILDREN OF SCOTLAND: Boo! Hiss! Gerroff!
NB: Oh, I don’t care what you think. I have friends you know. Very powerful friends. And we’re going to make sure that Cindyrella never gets to the ball. After all, why should she? She’s got no money. No one will look at her. And you know where she is now? She’s scrubbing the kitchen, because that’s all she’s good for.
(Enter wicked stepmother, Mrs Darling.)
MRS D: Have you done what I asked?
NB: Yes, I have it right here, Ma’am.
(He tips a bag out of the tuba, which is labelled ‘Nat Poison’)
MRS D: Excellent. This kitchen is infested with verminous Nats. They’re all over the place, and Cindyrella’s making friends with them, so the sooner we get rid of them the better! Now, it’s about time my beautiful daughters got ready to go to the ball. Did you hire a footman to escort them, as I asked?
BB: Yes, well, sort of…. Here he is, Ma’am.
MRS D: What’s that?
NB: All I could find, Ma’am. You sacked the last one, and no-one else wanted the job.
MRS D: Won’t he go limp?
NB: I wouldn’t like to say Ma’am; I don’t go in for that sort of thing. But he’s heavy – I dropped him on my foot earlier and it’s left a slight bruise. I think I remember reading some sort of warning about that.
MRS D: I meant in the rain, you buffoon! It’s raining outside. What does this thing do when it gets soaked?
NB: It calls for help.
MRS D: Useless! Leave it here where it can’t do any harm. Now, where’s that wretched Cindyrella? Cindyrella! Come here at once!
(Cindyrella enters She’s dressed in a ragged, stained saltire and carries a clearly well-worn bucket and broom.)
MRS D: Is the kitchen clean?
CINDYRELLA: Yes, ma’am.
MRS D: That’s good. You’re a thorough scrubber, if nothing else.
CINDYRELLA: Please, ma’am – my work is all done. Won’t you let me go to the Grand Referendum Ball?
MRS D: Honestly, child what a question! Of course you CAN go to the ball if you really want to. But you don’t have any money, do you? And just look at your shabby clothes. There’ll be all kinds of important people at the ball. Foreigners, probably. And you don’t want to shame yourself, now do you? It really wouldn’t be a good idea.
CINDYRELLA: But what about the sizeable inheritance my mother, Northcelia, left me? I could use some of that to buy nicer clothes.
MRS D: Don’t be ridiculous! The family’s up to its ears in debt, so we’ve pooled and shared our resources. We look after your – er, our – money and give you some whenever you need to buy a new scrubbing brush. What could be fairer?
CINDYRELLA: What if I kept it and bought my own scrubbing brushes, and stuff that I want instead of those cannons you keep buying and putting on the front lawn?
MRS D: That sort of silly childish talk is exactly why you need us here to stop you making a terrible mess of everything. That’s the best of both worlds, isn’t it, children?
CHILDREN OF SCOTLAND: No!
MRS D: Oh yes it is!
CHILDREN: Oh no it isn’t!
MRS D: Oh yes it is! And you know why? Because I understand money. So when I say Cinders can’t afford to look after herself, that’s the truth.
CHILDREN: Oh no it isn’t!
MRS D: I don’t care what you think. What I say goes, because I’m respected. Now where are my daughters? Daughters!
(Three ugly sisters appear. They are dressed in shimmering, bejewelled Union Jack dresses, for which Mrs Darling surreptitiously checks the receipts before slipping them carefully into her purse. They’re all carrying fur coats, and in matters beyond that we shan’t speculate.)
MRS D: Wilhelmina! Ruthie! Jo! My lovely girls! How gorgeous you are! Now, have you got your little song ready for mama to hear?
(The ugly sisters sing:)
We’re Willie and Ruthie and Jo,
the girls of the Grand UKOK show.
We all hate each other and don’t much like Mother,
But we’re better together you know.You can count on wee Ruth to tell you the truth,
and Johann to have a debate
And as for our Willie, although she looks silly,
Her political future is great.So we’re better together – that’s quite clear to all,
we belong to the great British state
Together we’re off to have fun at the ball,
And Cinders will just have to wait.
MRS D: Wonderful! So inspiring! Such tunefulness! Now run along girls or we’ll be late. And you, Cindyrella – back to the kitchen! (Aside to NB) You know what to do.
NAE BUTTONS: Yes indeed, Ma’am – sprinkle the poison.
MRS D: That’s the fellow. When we get back there won’t be a single Nat left. And good riddance to the scurrying little pests!
(Mrs Darling gives evil cackle and exits.)
NB (to audience): I can’t wait to see those Nats writhing around in agony. I’ve got some really deadly poisons here. This is di-phenol-scaremongerae (sprinkles) And here’s some eu-barossobiturate (sprinkles) And, best of all, some tricochranous vitriol (scatters neo-liberally). Now I’ll hide and enjoy watching Cindyrella weeping over her stupid dead Nats. You won’t tell her, will you?
CHILDREN OF SCOTLAND: Oh yes we will!
NB: Oh no you won’t. Because if you do, I’ll take away all your sweeties, one by one, until you have none left. So just remember that!
(He hides. Cindyrella comes sadly in, followed by several rat-like Nats.)
CINDYRELLA: Oh Nats, I’m so sad. Everyone’s going to the ball, and I’m left here all on my own. (She sits down and sings. During the song, the Nats find the poisons and start eating them)
I just wanted to be normal, just like everyone else. To live and love, to choose for myself, to have my own life. But they tell me I’m stupid to make my own decisions and too poor to make ends meet. I’ll be left on the shelf by all the princes of Europe and die alone, beset by evil space monsters.
(A sudden flash of light, and a beaming fairy godmother appears.)
FG: Don’t you worry, Cindyrella, I’ll see you get to the ball.
CINDYRELLA: Oh, who are you?
FG: I’m Alexa, the First Godmother.
CINDYRELLA: Aren’t you a little, er, solidly-built for a fairy?
FG: I’ll have you know I’m on a diet. I’ve given up curry and pies. Haven’t I, kids?
CHILDREN: (mumbled, unconvincing cheers)
FG: Well, at least I’m trying. Now, we must hurry up and get you to the ball, Cindyrella. We’re going to need a coach and some horses and a footman – but first we really must do something about your clothes.
(FG waves her wand: Cindyrella’s shabby rags are transformed to a shining white ballgown, bordered with thistles and lions rampant)
There, that’s better. And these Nats – we’ll change them into horses, or maybe unicorns. But what are they eating? (picks up a handful of poison and sniffs it) Aha, someone’s been trying to kill them off….
CINDYRELLA: Oh no!
FG: I wouldn’t worry – they’ll need something a lot stronger than this to damage them. It’ll make them feel a bit sick, but it’ll pass. Now we need a pumpkin for your coach….
NAE BUTTONS: I don’t like the way things are going here. I’m off! (Tries to sneak out)
CHILDREN (to Alexa): Behind you!
FG (turns and sees NB): Ah, what’s this? The perfect pumpkin! Round and vaguely orange – just the thing to help you get to your destination. Abracazam!
(There’s a flash and a puff of smoke, and…)
FG: And now we just need a footman.
CINDYRELLA: There’s one over there.
FG: So there is! But why isn’t it escorting the Ugly Sisters?
CINDYRELLA: Mrs Darling was worried it would go soggy in the rain.
FG: I expect it will. But it’s pretty soggy already, so I shan’t think anyone will notice the difference. Now, come along Cindyrella – we need to get you to the ball, so that everyone can see how much you deserve to be a Princess.
(Short blackout. The lights come up on a coach drawn by unicorns, with a somewhat battered footman in place. Cindyrella climbs in and the coach moves off, leaving the First Godmother on stage)
FG (sings):
And so Cindyrella was sent on her way
She should be a princess, wouldn’t you say?
Where will she go next, and what will she do?
I can’t tell you the future: that’s up to you.
(Blackout and curtain.)
Brilliant!
Apart from some of the casting it’s a pretty good story – might catch on.
Off early in the New Year to see our own Elaine C. Smith – http://www.aberdeenperformingarts.com/events/cinderella
Excellent Panto ……. I’m sure it will be a very happy ending!
Brilliant!
absolutely superb
Well done Wings! An inspiring tale for the holidays. Merry Christmas everyone.
A good giggle, sometimes I wonder just how your mind works REV ! Well done, it is amusing !
“A good giggle, sometimes I wonder just how your mind works REV ! “
At least 98% of the credit belongs to Andrew for the brilliant script and Greg for the fantastic illustrations. I just tweaked a few edges here and there.
Happy ever after!
Absolutely brilliant. Especially the “vaguely orange” pumpkin…
“Especially the “vaguely orange” pumpkin”
That wasn’t too subtle, then?
Splendid show. I always love a matinee performance. All the best to all of the cast of Wings for the great work
Bravo! Get NC to animate it? Fortunately, there won’t be another Christmas to use it!!!
Great stuff. Really funny. I’d pay good money to see that in real life. I think Cinders should have had a wee yappy dug called Nicky, snapping along behind the pumpkin coach.
Wot? No National Elf Service jokes?
I loved it! Particularly liked the little touches like the tuba. You missed a trick there though, it could have been a chooba . . .
Best Panto I have seen, haha…this is class! thanks a billion….good will to all…and the cat!
It made oi laugh (having a Twerton moment there
)
Well done, I enjoyed that tremendously… thanks!
First class.
Great panto!
Tip top. My favourite bit is the return of the evil space monsters … a wee edit from the Rev perhaps?
Brilliant!
Winter’s came
The snow has fell
Wee Josie’s nose is froze as well
Wee Josie’s frozen nose is skintit
Winters diabolic, intit?
courtesy Bud Neill
@ Freddie
….let’s just say the space monsters don’t appear in the first edition….
When she arrived at the ball, Cindy shone like a star
The princes’ those foreigners who’d come from afar
All wanted her hand, she would be a great prize
While Ruthless and Joey poked each others eyes
Wee Wull sat in a corner wiping his tears
For what he was seeing confirmed his worst fears
That Cindy would now be able to choose
Oh dear, what have we done there’s no more to lose
Oh aye there is , the children shouted en masse
In 2016 you’re out on yer ass
Ticketybootastic!
Superb n’at know ?
Brilliant. I needed something to brighten up this dreich auld day, and this did the trick. Thanks to Multiple Authors!
Living under the control of Westminster and with Scotlands MSM, every day is a Fecking pantomime!
Cheers to all anyway
” Whistles..Cheers…Applause..!! ”
A little cheer for Christmas, saves me looking at wind and rain. Many thanks and ..
MERRY CHRISTMAS from Argyll!
I thought the Krankies would have been in it!!!! Or are they too busy swinging from the beanstalk!!!!
Chuckle
a very well done to all concerned!
Whoever this guy Multiple Authors is, I do like his stuff!
Ice creams available in the foyer.
Act 2 will star after the intermission.
Help yourselves.
link to pack3545.us
Merry Christmas Reverend and best wishes for 2014. Thank you so much for all the work you do with this blog. Its the best!
Ma Goad, it’s gonna be some party because she doesn’t have to be home until September 18th – pace yourself Cindy!
Nicely done, one and all.
And very much in the same spirit, as if we didn’t know
excellent !!
Well done Multiple Authors, and a novel spelling, CIndyrella.I hope there’s more to come. Chairchoop Davidson would make a right Rank Badyin.
It has been a stunningly successful year for Wings. The Panellbase poll was a masterstroke.Well done Rev.
Braw, tell yer maw.
Happy Christmas Rev and readers. Rest well. Big year next year I’m told
Fabulous! Um fillin’ up.
Happy Chrissamuss everybody!
*Group hug*
Brilliant!!
Bravo! Encore! and all that theatrical stuff.
Aye, nae bad.
Loved it, well done everyone.
Merry Christmas from a Wee Scottish Lassie
Oh what a pantomime, but….
What happens next?
Do tell, do tell…
Seasons Greetings – near had me greetin’ wi lauchter
That was genuinely funny.
I’m left with a big warm smile.
Thankfully no tiny expats visiting from Australia have got any parts. the krankies give me the boak
Good stuff.
Rev, do you know of one Sion R. Williams? Very entertaining Welshman, nice line in parables which he posts on Facebook. Big advocate of both Welsh and Scottish independence.
They’re much in a similar style to this, and well worth seeking out.
Thanks everyone for that fun read and all the hard work that you’ve put in to keep us informed this year. Meanwhile THIS Cindie is looking forward to voting Yes in 2014 xxx
Absolutely brilliant!
Mind, I think a good spoof could have been done with Aladdin as well. The Genie out of the lamp, the 40 thieves, wicked uncle etc.
Ooer, I feel a cartoon coming on, but no time now
BTW added soundtrtack to XMAS CARD ‘Better than Lies’
@Chic
Surely its one theif 40 times … 400? 4000? however many days since the Union.
Still it’ll be nice to wake on the 19th and yell “It’s behind us!”
I wouldn’t get in that Blair McDoughnut carriage if I were you Cinders – the wheels are bound to come aff!!
Merry Christmas to all the Wossers!!
Great panto. Smiled all the way through. Future generations will laud this as the most authentic published account of the last year of the union.
@chic
How do you copy a vid into a post ?
Excellent work! the cumulative jokes bespeak a shared subculture of cybernattery, it gies ye a warm an hopefu feelin!
OT
Good Panto but I see Fraser Nelson is desperately trying to get his name back on the ‘Zany Comedy Relief’ blogroll with a knock about comedy piece…..
Yes following the lead of Crymichael-Moore….
It’s Monday so it must be ‘Passports and Borders scare day’….
link to blogs.spectator.co.uk
The (presumably) unintentional comedy gold drips thru every para
“to destroy Britain, to force people to choose between being Scottish or British, to advocate a small-minded sense of nationalism and put up borders when the rest of Europe is tearing them down.”
Yep from the UKIP leaning Tory supporting Spectator no less…..
“The SNP haven’t yet said who would qualify for their passport,”
Apart from the bit in the White Paper where they err….DID
The delusions and silliness in the final para are priceless….I’m sure a more professional fisker can find something to mock in every line….
In the meantime who wants to be the first to send Fraser via Twitter or a link BTL to the Republic of Ireland Act which explicitly states that Ireland ‘is not a foreign country’….:-)
Absolutely brilliant! Fair cheered up the day so it did
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.
Make sure you all have a Sparkly Xmas and a Fluffy New Year!
You can use my Sparkly/Fluffy Xmas thing if you want
Needed that. Stressed and hyper. Laughing now.
eellogofusciohipoppokunurious
oops! typo alert!
I meant eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious
Well, thank God you fixed it.
link to glossographia.wordpress.com
Rev Stu, Andrew, Greg, Ah think you,s have a longrunning Panto, am no gonna wish you,s the theatrical greeting ( break a leg ) we canna afford that, So I ll wish you,s all the best, Whit a belter,
Mato21, Chic Mc, great works guy,s
AWRA BEST WINGERS.
Great stuff. I really enjoyed it – used to do a bit of panto myself, and have missed it ever since.
I printed out a copy and took it round to the neighbours.
(Copy and paste it into Word and it comes out a treat).
fairy tales are based on fact Rev, excellent stuff and cinders shall go to the ball
Handclappin
Nice one. BTW just noticed this auld brain o mine has conflated Aladdin and Ali Baba, I think.
Ach well it could be called Alibi and the 40 Lamp Thieves.
Kendo. The video needs to be loaded up somewhere like youtube then you just link to it. Could be uploaded to free cloud drive like Drop Box or Google Drive as well and then link to that.
Was hoping to have voice rather than script but that takes a wee bit longer, mainly syncing mouth movement, not a lot of time, but we are all short of time at this time of year.
@MikeSeatttle
Your quote of the year, for me was:
“Excellent work. The cumulative jokes bespeak a shared subculture of cybernattery, it gies ye a warm an’ hopefu’ feelin!”
Oh, you are so right. After the year we’ve all had battling against the relentless tide of negativity, doubt, heated (and sometimes strained!) discussions with family and friends; feeling continual despair at the dirt-poor standards of the media……we are all now entitled to a bit of comic camaraderie. This is the panto of the year – all of us get the jokes because thanks to the dogged digging and hard work of Rev Stu and his elves, we’ve been able to follow all the twists and turns of the errors and lies of this scandalous scare campaign. So we “get” it. And to top it all, some of the BT mobs’ tactics really are the stuff of cartoonery – adding to the laughs!
This site is the must-read of the campaign and will definitely go down in the history books. As will all the other fantastic Indy blogs we read and share. We are educating ourselves, people. None of this combined knowledge we all have now will go to waste. It cannot be put back in the bottle. And our shared camaraderie despite our very different backgrounds and perspectives on our country’s future, is the icing on the cake in this battle. We need to help each other out in whichever ways we can to progress this huge grassroots campaign.
Independence is coming. And it’ll be the Cybernats ‘wot won it!! Ha ha ha!
P.S. Here is a spoof of a spoof of a spoof (of Salmond doing Rikki Fulton doing meenister I.M. Jolley) from a hogmanay a few years back:
Just like to wish all Wingers a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Era.
Hugely enjoyable! And so easy to visualise. Merry Christmas everyone.
Merry Christmas all, thanks for giving me a lift when I need it
@Chic (10.03) –
Is that your handiwork?
In any event, ’tis superb.
Just got a chance to read this. Superb Christmas Panto – the only thing missing to add authenticity is the traditional combined smell of tangerines and wet knickers……oops, too late….Mr. Jeannie’s just p….d himself laughing at it :-). Happy Christmas you lot!
Well done guys you really made my day – don’t all pantomimes have happy endings?
Ian
Yes and no. It is mainly an editing job. Real recordings of Salmond and Murphy (but not necessarily in the right contextual order, as the late great Mr Morecambe might have said). The CGI is courtesy of free software from Glasgow based muvizu. What you do is create as close an approximation to the character you can from a ‘font’ of characteristics (think advanced Mr Potato or maybe rudimentary police identikit). You then just have to decide on story create the sets and direct the action.
Weee bit time consuming but most could do similar.
The Christmas card was all mine, i.e. I drew it animated on photoshop etc. It was originally something I did for Niall Aslen one Christmas when he was poorly. Niall is a bit of a legend to us proto cybernats, his work on the Big Lie was transformitory IMHO.
@Chic –
Cheers mister.
What I really love about this stuff is that the people involved in doing it (and this isn’t a dig of any kind, but I’m sure you know what I’m on about) oftentimes don’t realise the impact of what they’re producing.
Say, for example, your Christmas ‘Card’. That’s becoming a norm now, right? People sending e-cards. (I’ve got some right now in the Inbox which are addressed to my wife, and I’ve been dying to open them, but that wouldn’t be right, eh?) But then, your card turns up, and it’s conveying something which is, in mainstream terms, ‘subversive’. And it does it in such a way that it’s really difficult to see where the dividing-line is. Perhaps this is just a microcosm of what’ happening with the MSM – their bias now appears so clunky, so amateurish, that it can’t be mistaken for anything else.
I really do believe that the ‘average’ consumer of MSM products is far more sophisticated than the decision-maker in the boardroom gives him credit for. (I remember working with guys in my first jobs, in Glasgow, cutting grass, cleaning-up after navvies, and even they, thirty years ago, referred to the tabloids as ‘comics’.)
Anyways, I’m havering – more power to ye mister, and have a braw end-of-year.
Well Ian, I think we all simply do what we can,… no, what we must, what our conscience compels us to do, its as simple as that. I’m sure we would all much rather have had lives where all our time was devoted to maximising our own personal fulfilment and understanding of the Universe. But faced with the iniquitous reality that is the lot of Scotland, that has not been within the gift of this generation’s fortune.
If there is really such a thing as evil, then what has and is happening to the Scottish people must be top of the leader-board.
But all we can do is what we can, Hopefully, and perhaps, collectively, it will be enough, for once and all, to bring down the monster.
Have a good one.
@Chic –
‘But all we can do is what we can, Hopefully, and perhaps, collectively, it will be enough, for once and all, to bring down the monster.’
Hear hear.
That’s partly why the next Glasgow WoS shindig will be in McGinn’s – can you imagine what a buzz that man would’ve got from what’s happening right now? The songs he would be writing? The lyrics he’d be working at, bearing in mind the raw material BT are providing on a day-to-day basis?
You hear this talk of a Scottish renaissance in the event of a Yes vote…it’s well-intentioned blethers.
The rebirth is happening right now, and the most exciting thing is that no-one is in control of it – no-one has the power to veto or censor anyone else’s work. This is the ‘volcano’ that MacDiarmid tried to make of himself, a century before his time – we’ll produce a lot of rubbish, but we’ll do so much of it, with such power, that the overall force will be irresistible. We’ll have plenty of time and space to work out what bits are worth keeping and celebrating when it’s all over.
“can you imagine what a buzz that man would’ve got from what’s happening right now? The songs he would be writing?”
I have a good idea, I knew Matt back in the day. Remember we all crashed at our lead singer’s house in Perth one night and had more than a few bevies. Matt woke us up to go round all the bakeries in Perth at about 6 in the morning and filled the car with bread and rolls to take back to Glasgow. There was a bread strike on in Glasgow, I’m sure all of us, including the driver, would probably have failed modern breathalysers. He wasn’t larger than life, he was a force of life.
Merry Christmas everyone! I hope you all have a peaceful and restful break.
I’d like to say thanks to the Reverend Stuart Campbell for his hospitality and providing us with a forum for free speech. I’d like to also say a big thank you to all of you for the enlightenment and entertainment. I have PMSL, been amazed and moved to tears by some of the contributions. If you lot are representative of an independent Scotland then we have little to worry about.
It’s been quite a year.
I’ll be glad of a rest before the final push to our independence.
Just think. Only nine months to go. I feel like a wee laddie waiting for Santa to come.
@ian
What you say. We are, collectively, spinning stuff out in all directions in a way that I’ve never seen before. Hitherto, ever since the Enlightenment, all the various moments of so-called ‘Scottish Renaissance’ have been confined to little groups of like-minded people. But not this time. Because this time we have the internet, and we can see what we are each thinking, without having to meet up in pubs or shipyards or studios to discuss things…
And this is where I think that the commentators in the mainstream, and especially those down south, are getting it so wrong. They just are not plugged into this massive exchange of ideas, jokes, trivia, personal experience, hopes, fears. You read people like Fraser Nelson and think ‘how is it possible for someone to be so out of touch with what is actually happening?’ But it’s actually easy enough, because if you just look at the surface, there’s not that much movement. But underneath, it’s a different story. A very different story.
I’m sure Matt McGinn wid hae a few Effen Bees to say on the matter.
link to youtube.com
Brilliant panto, RevStu. I particularly liked the casting of the sistyuglers of Daphne Broon lookalike Lamont, Wee Action Krankie Ruthie and Willie LibDumb Rennie. In real life, these three wouldn’t even need much greasepaint makeup either, in order to play the parts. In fact you’d be spoiled for choice for panto villains in order to cast ANY of the popular Xmas pantos, from the Bitter Together ranks. You could even have a Greek Greetin’ Chorus of anti-Indy hacks and presenters, such as Cochrane, Crichton, Carrell, Bird, Magusson and Brewer.
Best wishes RevStu for Xmas and the Bells to you and all your followers on this site, and hopefully for a YES result in September!
Brilliant! This has made my day. Well done