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A better world 5

Posted on March 10, 2013 by

This is why Gran Turismo games make me sad.

Racing games are one of the few remaining mainstream genres where (with the exception of the Need For Speed series and a handful of others) the player plays as themselves, rather than as a predefined character in a story. As a result, personalities are rather thin on the ground – if anything, the cars are the stars.

But nobody wants to read 800 words about the Nissan Skyline (nobody who doesn’t urgently need drowning in a bucket, anyway), so instead let's focus our attention on something altogether more beautiful, in every possible way.

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Why Ben Kuchera is a dickhead 23

Posted on January 30, 2013 by

[This piece was originally titled "Why Piracy Is Good" when I wrote it in August of 2004. I figured I'd make it gratuitously offensive clickbait this time, just for teh funz. If you don't understand the new title, start here.]

It's weird how the simplest games can have the longest stories. Today we're going to talk (well, I'm going to, anyway) about a couple of games (well, four games, but we'll get to that) that are about as Zen-basic as it's possible for electronic entertainment to be.

They're a pair of games which could be played by the one-armed dishwasher from Robin's Nest (one for the mums and dads, there), a duo that require all the brainpower of a starving dog pondering the best course of action to take with a pound of sausages that's just fallen out of an old lady's shopping bag right under his nose.

And yet, by the time we're done we'll have covered inspiration, plagiarism, moral flexibility, flagrant copyright infringement, public-spiritedness, cultural history, corporate pragmatism, collective short-sightedness and the proudest moment in your correspondent's career to date. Which is a lot of stuff, so let's get on or we'll be here all day.

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The Greatest Rock’n’Roll Stars 2

Posted on April 14, 2010 by

Malcolm McLaren RIP. This is a version of a piece I originally wrote for WoS a few years ago, reprinted in tribute to one of the world's great chancers.

The world would have been a much more interesting place if he'd managed to become the Mayor of London.

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Why Tetris isn’t a puzzle game 10

Posted on March 31, 2010 by

It's weird how bad people are at looking even a tiny bit below the surface. All you have to do is quietly mention in passing somewhere that Tetris, Columns, Bejeweled or any of their millions of clones and derivatives aren't actually "puzzle games", and all hell breaks loose.

Even nowadays, with a resurgence in indie games making abstract graphics (relatively) popular again, most gamers angrily insist that if something doesn't look like a traditional spaceship, it can't be a spaceship.

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Six rules football should copy from rugby 8

Posted on March 07, 2010 by

With a tremendous sense of comic timing, the International Football Association Board this week ruled (despite the votes of the English and Scottish FAs) against any possibility of even experimenting with the use of goal-line technology, almost at the same minute as Birmingham City were denied a clear goal in their FA Cup quarter-final against Portsmouth that might have kept them in the competition.

It’s embarrassing that in the modern age such crucial refereeing errors, so simple to rectify, can still see teams knocked out of a nation’s biggest cup tournament. What’s more embarrassing still is that another sport has successfully demonstrated just how easily many of the niggling issues that dog the thankless task of football officiating can be solved.

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World Turned Upside Down 8

Posted on February 23, 2010 by

or how one record changed my whole life.

(To enjoy this feature TO THE EXTREME!, install the excellent Spotify and click the song titles to hear the songs. Failing that, I’ll just have to try to paint you a picture of some sounds, but made with words instead of paint.)

In the heady atmosphere of 1985-1986, I never thought I’d live to see the day when The Jesus And Mary Chain – musical revolutionaries, performers of shambolic 20-minute sets of hellish white noise and inebriated chaos, banned from Student Unions across the country because of their concerts’ tendency to end in (sort-of) riots, scruffy council-estate urchins from the industrial wastelands of West Central Scotland – would be having their music celebrated and given away free with copies of The Times.

I guess if you’re right, and if you wait patiently enough, the world sometimes comes round to your way of thinking eventually.

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    • Hatey McHateface on Too Tight To Mention: “It’s a hot night, and a sad, insomniac old man’s thoughts turn to self pleasuring. Keep the noise doon, YL…Jul 9, 03:11
    • Hatey McHateface on Too Tight To Mention: “Thanks for the link, NC. I enjoyed reading the article. “Our friends in Orcland”. The boys who wrote that are…Jul 9, 03:01
    • Young Lochinvar on Too Tight To Mention: “Penisbreath It’s the Panama Canal, not the Suez Canal ya mong. Try asking for help from some of your Langley…Jul 9, 02:36
    • twathater on Too Tight To Mention: “Absolutely James he jist canny wait tae rubbish and decry genuine efforts for freedom, yet when asked how his big…Jul 9, 01:48
    • Hatey McHateface on Too Tight To Mention: “Zat so, YL Sah! Then I was right. You couldn’t find Darien on a map without help. I recommend you…Jul 9, 01:11
    • Hatey McHateface on Too Tight To Mention: ““Something inspired me” Ah, c’moan noo NC. It’s mean of you to deny Buckfast an honourable mention.Jul 9, 00:57
    • Hatey McHateface on Too Tight To Mention: “Awa and not shite, Andrew R. Shout from the rooftops that you, and by extension Indy, support the kinds of…Jul 9, 00:52
    • Hatey McHateface on Too Tight To Mention: “Nae eulogies fer Starovoit yet? How insensitive of me. The usual suspects will need time to process their grief.Jul 9, 00:46
    • AndrewR on Too Tight To Mention: “More – if she committed any real crime she should have been prosecuted in an English court. It’s pure racism…Jul 9, 00:00
    • AndrewR on Too Tight To Mention: “The treatment of Shemima Begum was outrageous and broke all international law. She was 15, a minor when she left,…Jul 8, 23:37
    • Northcode on Too Tight To Mention: “Something inspired me to write a wee poem. A hiv nae idea whit. Back door, front door, throu an open…Jul 8, 23:07
    • MaryB on Too Tight To Mention: “Re Craig Murray at the UN C24: If nothing else, it’s important for the rest of the world to know…Jul 8, 22:58
    • Aidan on Too Tight To Mention: ““Appear to have issued a D notice” ???? You really are off the reservation today aren’t you. Do you think…Jul 8, 22:10
    • James on Too Tight To Mention: ““This whole thing is going to be an absolute gift to the unionists” Says the unionist….Jul 8, 22:05
    • Northcode on Too Tight To Mention: “Craig says this… again just for good measure: “Be very very happy at the extent of international support for Scottish…Jul 8, 22:05
    • Alf Baird on Too Tight To Mention: ““This whole thing is going to be an absolute gift to the unionists” Actually our colonial rulers understandably don’t want…Jul 8, 21:49
    • Aidan on Too Tight To Mention: “Right, because whilst Scotland’s capital is more productive than Norway’s or Singapore, Scotland also has pockets of severe deprivation left…Jul 8, 21:39
    • Stuart on Too Tight To Mention: “Well Northcode that’s 52 minutes of my life I’m not going to get back… The upshot of it being no…Jul 8, 21:06
    • Chas on Too Tight To Mention: “Great stuff. At least I am not a twat.Jul 8, 20:52
    • Chas on Too Tight To Mention: “If Stu has any sense he won’t respond to your drivel. I suspect he has more sense than you. In…Jul 8, 20:47
    • Alf Baird on Too Tight To Mention: ““does Edinburgh not have one of the highest rates of GDP per capita anywhere in the world, higher than Tokyo…Jul 8, 20:41
    • Aidan on Too Tight To Mention: “@Xaracen – no, its thrown it out. Secondly, again you miss the point. The UN recognises the U.K. as a…Jul 8, 20:13
    • Young Lochinvar on Too Tight To Mention: “Easy Penisbreath. Stick your finger on the Atlantic side of the Panama Canal and you’re 9/10ths there.Jul 8, 19:52
    • Northcode on Too Tight To Mention: “On Craig Murray’s return from his ambassadorial mission to the United Nations in New York where he presented the case…Jul 8, 19:32
    • Xaracen on Too Tight To Mention: ““Right” Thank you, so, the C-24 hasn’t actually thrown out the Salvo Petition, it’s just shelved it until it becomes…Jul 8, 19:29
    • twathater on Too Tight To Mention: “Stuart you CLAIM to be an independence supporter yet you EAGERLY join with the yoonionists to try to demean and…Jul 8, 18:29
    • twathater on Too Tight To Mention: “YL try not to take much notice of Chas his comments usually consist of his sexual fixation with Prof Baird,…Jul 8, 18:14
    • Hatey McHateface on Too Tight To Mention: ““has ever presented anything positive” Ah, c’moan noo Alf. Why not ask one of the many perennial gurners about oor…Jul 8, 17:58
    • Hatey McHateface on Too Tight To Mention: “Your post above is a masterpiece, Chas. Or should that be “masturb piece”? 🙂 As for the TWAT, he’s fearfully…Jul 8, 17:48
    • Hatey McHateface on Too Tight To Mention: “Sure, x, but it’s kinda lost its ability to hit home. Put it another way. Nae steaming schemie at an…Jul 8, 17:42
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