The Need For Speed

Posted on December 06, 2023 by Wings Over Sealand

Earlier today I happened to pop into to a ZX Spectrum forum I used to frequent to look for a bit of info about an obscure old game, and my eye was caught by a post there.

It regarded an article called “20 Indie Games That You Could Beat in the Time It Would Take You to Watch That Hbomberguy Video”, which is about an almost four-hour-long YouTube video that gamer types are currently talking about on social media, relating to plagiarism by someone or other, but which I’m not going to bother watching or linking to because (a) it’s by a monstrous arsehole, (b) it sounds really really boring and (c) it’s almost four hours long.

Like the forum poster I was disappointed that the headline didn’t mean you could beat ALL of those 20 games in less than the video’s 3h 51m 09s running time, but merely that you could beat any ONE of them, which didn’t seem much of a fun fact.

But it did seem like a bit of a challenge, so to liven up my afternoon while I listened to some lawyers also droning on tediously for hours I thought I’d try to find out how many old Speccy games you could complete, one after the other, in the same timespan.

The rules were that they had to be proper commercially-released full-price games (or budget games with a review average of 80% minimum), they had to be at least quite good (review average 70%+ for full-pricers), and there had to be some notional sort of story in them, ie you couldn’t count beating the first level of Pac-Man.

So, arbitrarily chosen and in descending length order (all times are actual-gameplay times, not including any menus, intros or credits), here we go:

————————————————————–

PYJAMARAMA (Mikro-Gen, 1984)
Average review score: 87%
Completion time: 17m 32s

?

SIR LANCELOT (Melbourne House, 1984)
Average review score: 82%
Completion time: 15m 55s

?

DYNAMITE DAN (Mirrorsoft, 1985)
Average review score: 84%
Completion time: 15m 45s

?

MANIC MINER (Bug-Byte, 1983)
Average review score: 91%
Completion time: 14m 50s

?

I, BALL (Firebird, 1987)
Average review score: 80%
Completion time: 12m 45s

?

ALCHEMIST (Imagine, 1983)
Average review score: 84%
Completion time: 12m 14s

?

KINETIK (Firebird, 1987)
Average review score: 77%
Completion time: 11m 20s

?

GLIDER RIDER (Quicksilva, 1986)
Average review score: 81%
Completion time: 11m 10s

?

H.A.T.E. (Gremlin Graphics, 1989)
Average review score: 78%
Completion time: 10m 30s

?

TRANS AM (Ultimate Play The Game, 1983)
Average review score: 80%
Completion time: 9m 40s

RAPSCALLION (Bug-Byte, 1984)
Average review score: 76%*
Completion time: 9m 30s

?

*discounting an absurd 1/3 score in Big K, which wasn’t a proper magazine.

SABRE WULF (Ultimate Play The Game, 1984)
Average review score: 93%
Completion time: 9m 28s

?

THE SACRED ARMOUR OF ANTIRIAD (Palace, 1986)
Average review score: 87%
Completion time: 9m 10s

EXTREME (Digital Integration, 1991)
Average review score: 85%
Completion time: 8m 40s

?

COBRA (Ocean, 1986)
Average review score: 75%**
Completion time: 8m 38s

**distorted by a ridiculous 3/5 from the clueless idiots at Sinclair User.

THE HOBBIT (Melbourne House, 1982)
Average review score: n/a (predated review scores, but award-winning)
Completion time: 6m 50s (depending on your typing speed)

?

TRANTOR: THE LAST STORMTROOPER (Go!, 1987)
Average review score: 73%
Completion time: 6m 22s

UNDERWURLDE (Ultimate Play The Game, 1984)
Average review score: 89%
Completion time: 5m 34s

?

GHOSTS’N’GOBLINS (Elite, 1986)
Average review score: 85%
Completion time: 5m 10s

RENEGADE (Imagine, 1987)
Average review score: 84%
Completion time: 4m 47s

?

ATIC ATAC (Ultimate Play The Game, 1984)
Average review score: 88%
Completion time: 2m 26s

?

————————————————————–

That’s 21, so we’ve already beaten the target of 20 and we’ve only used up 3h 28m 36s. We’ve still got 23 minutes and 7 seconds spare – enough to complete Death Wish 3 (Gremlin Graphics, 1987) an impressive 63 times with 1 second left over.

?

But that has a review average of 66%, which doesn’t quite meet the criteria for our list, and in any event it turns out there’s something even swifter. Bugaboo The Flea (from Quicksilva, 1983, review average 81%) can be defeated in just 19 seconds, meaning we could beat it exactly 73 times and hit our 3:51:09 mark right on the button.

?

I’m not quite sure what any of that proves, but all of the above are definitely a better use of four hours of your life than listening to either dickhead YouTubers or Scottish Government lawyers, so maybe give them a bash if you’ve got some time to kill.

Category investigative journalism, playing guides, video, videogames
Trackback: trackback from your own site.

0 to “The Need For Speed”

blucey says:

24 January, 2024 at 5:13 pm

Jack and the Beanstalk is one of these. It’ll take you 30 years to beat it but in theory it can be done in about three minutes.

Reply
Marc says:

31 January, 2024 at 10:40 pm

What an unexpected delight. Weirdly enough, there’s talk of a Burnout – thing – and the comments over at Eurogamer were full of fuckwits professing Takedown to be the best. I looked for your article on that, that explains succinctly why they are fuckwits, then checked here as well. And new Speccy articles! The shitty new year is a tad less gray. Hope you are well sir.

Reply

Comment - please read this page for comment rules. HTML tags like and are permitted. Use paragraph breaks in long comments. DO NOT SIGN YOUR COMMENTS, either with a name or a slogan. If your comment does not appear immediately, DO NOT REPOST IT. Ignore these rules and I WILL KILL YOU WITH HAMMERS.

diabloandco on The Party Of The Dead: “Alf , ignore your troll ,it obviously spends its time dolling out facile insults and adds absolutely zero to any…” Aug 10, 10:08

Chas on The Party Of The Dead: “Hatey The likes of you and me simply do not understand the position we are in. It is only people…” Aug 10, 09:43

Northcode on The Party Of The Dead: “Alf Baird argues that “territorial alienation” occurs when land is transferred from public control to external or private authority, resulting…” Aug 10, 09:08

Hatey McHateface on The Party Of The Dead: ““Sae we hiv tae spell it oot” In yer ain time, Alf. Spell oot fit “territorial alienation” is wi oot…” Aug 10, 08:34

Alf Baird on The Party Of The Dead: ““I bet if you spent an afternoon on any Scottish High Street and asked 100 Sovereign Scots what “territorial alienation”…” Aug 10, 07:46

Hatey McHateface on The Party Of The Dead: “Mair mince. You’re determined to never focus on anything practically useful, Alf. I bet if you spent an afternoon on…” Aug 9, 23:48

Alf Baird on The Party Of The Dead: ““a warning from history about getting into Unions” Annexation inevitably resulted in the territorial alienation of Scots and Scotland, the…” Aug 9, 21:37

Hatey McHateface on The Party Of The Dead: “Aw, Alf, I’ve only just noticed your name check. So you’re an antisemite too? It figures. Is that something else…” Aug 9, 20:42

robertkknight on The Party Of The Dead: “Jamie VI… A man of dubious morals and questionable intelligence. Dr Johnson probably had him mind when proclaiming “The noblest…” Aug 9, 20:25

Hatey McHateface on The Party Of The Dead: “I’m 100% certain that a Middle Ages fat quine would be regarded as super model material today. She was probably…” Aug 9, 20:20

Alf Baird on The Party Of The Dead: “” is that simple extrapolation regarding professors?” The ‘phenomenon’ (i.e. the tendency to not employ Scots) seems to affect all…” Aug 9, 20:01

Dan on The Party Of The Dead: “No response Jay… I guess CC is busy listing his Rangey and Porsche on Marketplace, and packing his belongings for…” Aug 9, 17:21

Southernbystander on The Party Of The Dead: “Thanks Alf. One thing though you say you looked at three ‘ancient’ institutions but say above ‘all 19 higher education…” Aug 9, 17:03

Captain Caveman on The Party Of The Dead: “@Alf FYI the propelling of Cambridge Professors in this manner isn’t the fault nor desire of “Reform supporters” – they’re…” Aug 9, 15:34

Alf Baird on The Party Of The Dead: ““what is your actual evidence” I looked at some 40 departments in three of Scotland’s ‘ancient’ universities and found that…” Aug 9, 15:08

Young Lochinvar on The Party Of The Dead: “Not one to celebrate, today is the 1503 anniversary of the so called “Marriage of the Thistle and the Rose”…” Aug 9, 14:18

Southernbystander on The Party Of The Dead: “Alf said: ‘Same reason all 19 higher education institutions in Scotland mostly appoint people from outside Scotland as professors’. You…” Aug 9, 14:15

Alf Baird on The Party Of The Dead: ““Had a wee chuckle at a Reform supporter stating they’ve had enough of the UK, and he and wife now…” Aug 9, 14:06

Ex President Xiden on The Party Of The Dead: “So in this scenario if it was the wife who had been defrauding on a massive scale, buying camper vans…” Aug 9, 10:36

Captain Caveman on The Party Of The Dead: “Dry your eyes, Dan. You were the one mocking “Reform supporters” for bemoaning what even you (now) consider to be…” Aug 9, 10:32

Dan on The Party Of The Dead: “So another day and yer still acting an arse and pathetically jist casting untrue derogatory assertions about in a woeful…” Aug 9, 10:20

Captain Caveman on The Party Of The Dead: “Oh do be quiet, thicko. It wasn’t Englishmen “like me” who promoted this fake professor and lauded him to the…” Aug 9, 09:08

Fearghas MacFhionnlaigh on The Party Of The Dead: “Just saw this Turkish proverb somewhere: « The forest was shrinking but the trees kept voting for the axe as…” Aug 8, 22:18

Hatey McHateface on The Party Of The Dead: “If roles were reversed, maybe the wife would have bought a smaller camper van, and a smaller Jag. And no…” Aug 8, 20:47

Jay on The Party Of The Dead: “Caveman, (he of mega-loot and high-flying career) regarding your 11.41am comment: I was wondering whether you might be a well-informed…” Aug 8, 20:34

agentx on The Party Of The Dead: “The “I won’t say any more on the matter” Sturgeon: “She argued the scrutiny she faced had a gendered dimension.…” Aug 8, 20:25

Dan on The Party Of The Dead: “Ach, now yer jist acting out like a spoilt bairn due to yer lack of tolerance of other folk’s often…” Aug 8, 18:59

Stevie on The Party Of The Dead: “I would add, the same people who attacked me are the same gullibles travels, believing Hamas are freedom fighters and…” Aug 8, 18:12

Chas on The Party Of The Dead: “Maybe, just maybe your ‘speech’ is being censored because it is the same shite over and over again? The learned…” Aug 8, 17:17

Captain Caveman on The Party Of The Dead: “That’s right Dan. Fed up of twats like you.” Aug 8, 16:57

Wings Over Scotland