Spoof newspaper blows credibility
You know how it is when you’re writing a satirical newspaper website like The Onion or The Daily Mash. There’s a very fine line to walk such that a joke article is ridiculous enough to be funny, yet still just plausible enough to fool the unwary into believing it’s a real story, and it takes real skill to get it right.
So we wish the best of luck to promising new outfit “The Express”, who’ve perhaps just overcooked it a bit with this effort, but definitely show some potential.
Wait, what?
Sorry, our mistake. Apparently the “Express” IS a real paper. It’s an understandable mistake to have made, though, because the article in question is so spectacularly idiotic The Day Today would have rejected it for being too crude.
Even if we leave aside the Express’s comical hatred for anything remotely green and the extensive quoting of renowned idiots “Taxpayer Scotland” (who were last heard of predicting a £270bn debt for an independent Scotland and who we suspect actually do comprise just the one taxpayer) the actual text of the piece reveals that it’s NOT the SNP who want to “outlaw cars” at all:
“The SNP wants only hybrid and electric cars as part of the green initiative to reduce carbon emissions. Keith Brown, the Transport Minister, yesterday said motorists would receive a £5,000 grant towards buying an electric car, with up to £8,000 available for the purchase of an electric van. Householders who buy an electric vehicle can also benefit from a 100 per cent grant for a home charging point.
It comes as the Lib Dems consider proposals to ban all petrol and diesel cars from roads by 2040 at their annual conference in Glasgow next week.”
Our emphasis, there. The SNP only proposes to incentivise people to buy electric and hybrid vehicles by giving them grants. It’s the Liberal Democrats who’ve suggested banning things. Translating those two pieces of information into “Now SNP plans to outlaw our cars” is right up there with “Freddie Starr Ate My Hamster” and “World War 2 Bomber Found On Moon” for comedy lies in newspaper headlines.
The difference is, the last two were trying to be ridiculous.
Do they actually have a St Georges Cross in their logo? And it says Scottish Daily Express
#ohmygod
“Those are the headlines – god I wish they weren’t.”
The Day Today was such a brilliant piece of satire, especially the War episode, which I was reminded of a lot as the media were slavering over the idea of the UK bombing Syria. An awful lot of the media remind me of this The Day Today quote:
‘It’s been revealed that the junior treasury minister Michael Portillo carries a sawn-off shotgun to constituency meetings, corners children in parks and chews their cheeks, and has frequent sexual intercourse with stray animals, claiming “As long as it’s got a backbone, I’ll do it”.
That story we reported last week, and have since discovered it to be untrue.’
The difference is, the real media wouldn’t tell you they’d reported an untrue story – they’d just try to pretend it doesn’t exist.
‘SNP to come round your house and kick your dog’
‘SNP to set fire to policemen’
‘SNP feast on diet of kittens’
‘SNP to demand sacrifice of your firstborn’
There we are Express, saved you a few minutes work. Christ.
2050?
I thought that they said that all the oil would be gone by then anyway.
I didn’t know the Daily Excess was still on the go. You occasionally see a Mail kicking about the office but I can’t recall the last time I saw one of those things. It was always a silly paper.
Also 2040/2050 is not exactly next week. If my car is still running then I will be very, very surprised. I have seen a couple of those Nissan Leaf things recently. They are very smart. If they could crack the range thing and reduce the price I would have no qualms about swapping to electric. At the end of the day you want to go from A to B in comfort and what is under the bonnet is secondary. I don’t refuse to get on a train because it is electric rather than diesel.
Talking about spoof pieces can anybody explain this?
derekbatemandotnet1.wordpress.com/
I can’t make up my mind whether it is real or not.
Yes. Also, even internally the article is palpably guff. The suggestion is that the scheme will cost £10bn because every car owner in Scotland will take it up and also that it’s a pointless “vanity project” because…err.. hardly anyone will take it up.
Having said all that, you never know do you? So, I’ve hidden ours. No one can ban what they can’t find. They won’t catch ME out that easily.
@Edulis
It’s a satirical blog by himself.
As I posted elsewhere. Derek`s blog is very real and really takes the piss out of Pacific Quay. Read it and enjoy it!
Some people would pay serious money to see Jackie Baillie in that wee car.
The day today “war” episode was brought very much to mind as the reporters from NBC and sky attempted to goad the Syrian American and uk ministers and others into making a declaration of wthat imply to give the idiot so called journalists more shite to pontificate and speculate on, it was beyond satire.
…and some would pay even more to see her draped across it.
What would you expect of a wholly owned subsidiary of Dirty Des’s porn empire?
Rev, I also noticed at the bottom of the Express page, the choice of fair and balanced “Related Articles”, you have to laugh.
Dee
That was a misprint instead of fair and balanced they meant to say partisan and unhinged.
We must be reaching the stage when death by laughter will be blamed on those nasty seperatists?
‘Scottish Government plans to rid towns and cities of most types of cars..’
You mean they’ll let us keep the towns and cities?
@ianbrotherhood, Jackie Baillie wouldn’t get in that wee car!!
Did they not stick a lion rampant on the ” Scottish” edition?
Do they do as the Daily Mail and print horrendous stories about Scotland and Scots in the English version and totally different drivel in the ” Scottish Daily Mail”
“Scottish Government plans to rid towns and cities of most types of cars.”
I think Glasgow council are way ahead of them – the potholes in Glasgow’s roads must must have eliminated a fair amount already.
@ ianbrotherhood
Thanks for that image. I was beginning to think I was getting off lightly this morning after a few too many Champions last night.
Well.
At least it isn’t a story about Diana or an advert for teflon-coated slacks or worthless ‘limited’ edition plates with members of the royal family looking like zombies printed there-on.
Actually, for the Express, this probably constitutes progress.
@dee: ..related articles..
And here they are. Not too different from @Tim’s list really…
Advocates brand SNP plan for families ‘insidious’
Nato warning for SNP over removing Trident
Armed forces event to steal a march on SNP
Support for the breaking up of Britain plummets
‘Yes’ vote support slumps
“Scotland look to a forward thinking Government who embrace change, collaboration and an open outlook”
Thats the Express’ idea of a Spoof headline
Is it going to be April 1st every week at the Express? Do you have to have a frontal lobotomy to be a better togetherer? I think we should be told. What about the children?
Advance weather forecast courtesy of XCweather.com for next Friday in Edinburgh. High pressure building on Friday which looks good for Saturday. Note of caution. Advise check again in a couple of days.
I would never get caught out by a spoof article!
Remembers “Welsh FM. Nuke em all from space”!
Looks down, shuffles feet and buggers off.
Weeembaracedfacethingy.
ianbrotherhood – “…and some would pay even more to see her draped across it.” LOL thats brilliant . A sort of “Chewin the Fat” version of Tawny Kitaen draped over David Coverdales Jaguar in the famous Whitesnake video:
What can you expect from a paper that calls itself the Scottish Daily Express and then under it’s section headings has one called Scotland, most people would think that an unnecessary addition but apparently not those at the express, DUH!
@James Westland-
Aye. Cheers for that. I’d forgotten how much hair Whitesnake had between them – impressive manes all round.
As luck would have it, one of the vids on the same page was this, by the wonderfully named Randy Van Warmer. Perhaps Jackie will watch from the wee car, a solitary tear circumnavigating her cheek, singing this to Johann as she traipses off into the sunset…‘You Left Me Just When I Needed You Most’.
@ Gavin Lessells
re the weather forecast for next Saturday;
Get your Scotland rain poncho here for only 75p |(just in case)
link to greavessports.com
At least Tawny had sleek lines to match. JaBa would be better suited to a Volvo FM. Its equally huge, ugly and has a big “mouth”.
BBC advance weather forecast for the 21st is no rain, white cloud cover, temperature mid-teens. I’ll take that.
It’s not going to rain. How do I know? I just found the waterproof jacket I was beginning to think I’d lost. (Nice poncho, though….)
Laurel and Hardy had a Ford car that would suit Ja Baillie to a T. It was a ragtop so no access problems!
Electric cars: the deal seems to be that you buy the car BUT lease the battery unit so running costs may not be so reasonable.
Battery electric is the wrong way.
You wont be able to leave it in the street as the battery will be so valuable it’ll be nicked in no time.
We dont have a decent battery that doesn’t require rare earths. Main source, China.
Hydrogen electric is the way to go. All those turbines making hydrogen at 3am when nobody wants their electricity. No need for all the new charging points and home chargers just adapt petrol stations.
Get your Scotland rain poncho here for only 75p |(just in case)
link to greavessports.com
Actually, thanks for that Scaredy-cat. The shipping is £3.95, but it’s worth it to order in bulk. I just ordered ten, total price £11.45, because they look like just the ticket for campaigning next year. Light, portable, and you can just give them away if there are people in the team who haven’t brought a raincoat.
I hope I don’t need them on the 21st though!
“SNP PLAN TO CHARGE FOR AIR”
In an incredible move, the SNP are planning to fit everyone with a gas mask type device fitted with an air meter. The SNP claim that it is an audacious move to save the planet, by limiting CO2 production from people. They suggest that over a million tons of CO2 could be saved annually in Scotland by motivating people to breathe less and save money at the same time.
Johann Lamont has angrily attacked the move; “Salmond wants to charge for AIR. Air has always been free at the point of use… he just wants more of it for himself.”
Lib Dem Willie Rennie added; “It just goes to show that when sharing air, we are better together”
…There… I have just written tomorrows Express headline story for them :o)
Love these spoof Express headlines. Theres actually a very good generator of Daily Mail headlines which is sort of similar.
link to qwghlm.co.uk
Someone who is good with javascript should come up with a Scottish version of that.
I will send this to the “Scottish” Daily Express
It belongs in the drawer marked “Comic Headlines by Comical Newspapers’ which includes “Nazi U-Boat is Loch Ness Monster”.
And it seems appropriate to start a headline competition which includes the words “SNP”, “accused”, “doubt”, or you can just make anything up. Its what The Herald, Scotsman & Express do anyway and they are considered by some to be newspapers, so I don’t see any problem printing something like …
“SNP Drains Loch Lomond To Build Salmond Museum” or
“Salmond Orders Compulsery Purchase Order Of Stirling Castle For New Wind Farm Development”
I have a cold! I blame the SNP and Alex Salmond! Okay so I have not been anywhere any SNP member or Alex Salmond since the big bang but lets no let the facts get in the way of a good smear or scare story. I am working on my application for work in the Brit Nat Press and Media.
haha, Reminds me of a south park scene – the family guy parody where writing staff are shown as manitees floating about a tank pushing random ‘idea balls’ into the joke machine.
ianbrotherhood says:
and some would pay even more to see her draped across it.
13 September, 2013 at 10:17 am
BOAK!!!!!!!!!!!!
It might rain on the day though, but only if BT can get enough boots on the ground to do the ‘rain dance’. I wouldn’t worry about it.
Problem is that many people actually believe what they read in Daily Express and Daily Mail which the Scotsman is now trying to emulate.
“and some would pay even more to see her draped across it.”
Thankfully
“Margret Thatcher looks stunning – yes but you’ll never see a nipple in the daily express”
I think JaBa could fit in that car nae bother – she could just unscrew her arse and put it in the boot!
Being the Express, I’m surprised they didn’t ponder whether Princess Diana would have bought an electric car.
Jimbo says:
13 September, 2013 at 10:37 am
“Scottish Government plans to rid towns and cities of most types of cars.”
I think Glasgow council are way ahead of them – the potholes in Glasgow’s roads must must have eliminated a fair amount already.
And the rest are lost in the one way system. The drivers and passengers reduced to rain-washed (well we are talking Weegiemonsoon here) skeletons.
Did anyone notice that while the online version is by Paul Gilbride the printed version is by Rod Mills?
Which one did write it? Will they or Kerry tell us? Can they explain the untrue headline?
Does Kerry Gil believe Express readers are idiots who will believe this story? Has anyone asked him that?
@HandandShrimp
If only they could crack the range issue… If only… One hundred years of trying to solve the range problem and still trying…
link to bit.ly