And finally… #14
Posted on
February 10, 2013 by
Rev. Stuart Campbell
Whoah! We were starting to think SoS had lost its touch. But neigh chance.
Astonishingly, this really is the mane article on the paper’s front page today. Some hack must have noticed there were no “SNP accused” stories in this week’s edition and made something up on the hoof, in an attempt to give those beastly Nats a shoeing and stirrup a shocking tail out of nothing. What a load of old pony.
It’d give anyone who believes in a balanced Scottish media a really long face.
Dearie me. Now I shall canter off to bed.
Think it is fair to say they have finally lost the plot.
I had a veggie lasagna yesterday and was horrified to find traces of horseradish in it!
Typical JP horseshit. They’ve always got something to whinny about. The paper is just a load of fetlocks nowadays. So are my puns.
I hear that Findus have a new dish out.
Its called Nag Ball.
SoS is as good as horse dung for the roses if pulped and well dug-in. Best use for it!
I suppose it was odds on they’d run an “SNP accused” story on it. They can’t go furlong without one.
The latest news is that they have found traces of human DNA in Australian lamb.
Aaaaand award for the best horseing around pun so far goes toooooo………
Dave Beveridge
Hayyythangyou!
But do we believe this horseshit SoS article? I say, ‘Neigh!’
Its going to be a long night of jockeying for top pun then.
Those horse lasagnes were good. My mane’s never been shinier!
In yesterday’s news, some Glaswegian fellow in attempting to feed a police horse a “sausage roll” was told that the horse was “vegetarian”. The fellow persisted and became abusive thus ending up in custody. It was reported yesterday that he was found guilty and sentenced to seven days jail. I wonder what was his first prison meal – Chilli con Cuddy?
I believe it’s called “putting a kilt on a story”.
Annoyingly, Google Images wouldn’t turn up any pictures of horses (or pies*) wearing a kilt,so this’ll have to do.
link to wishpony.com
*first person to find a picture of a pie in a kilt** wins a Findus Beef Lasagne.
**first person to find a kilt in Findus Beef Lasagne wins a horse pie and the lead story in next week’s Scotland on Sunday
@Clarinda Was he a Trotskyisk?
@Holebender After decades of Sheena telling me that prawn crackers did not contain prawns (I have an aversion to eating eating seafood with legs) by reading the small print on packets of said item she bought today I discovered that indeed shellfish was an ingredient. I am not sure whether I was more angry with that revelation or the fact she took obvious glee in consuming both packets.
However, your post made me wonder if perhaps some of my past consumption contained, albeit in ignorance, sea-horses.
“A survey we carried out yesterday indicates that there have been more puns generated by the ‘horse-burger’ news item that any other in the past.”: Gallup.
@ Chic McGregor
Was that not a bit shellfish of Shenna? Sorry for going OT.
@Cameron I’m saying nothing, one doesn’t want to make anemone of the better half.
@ Chic McGregor
You should show some muscles man, or would that not suit your porpoise?
To clear stock Findus have reduced the price of their lasagne from 7-1 to 3-1
I’m neigheigheigheigh believing this! Ok, done my best.
@ DJ
You’re just trying to stirrup trouble now. Sorry if that one has already be done. We are kind of flogging it to death now.
Just read the SoS story online. No Scottish produce has been implicated in the horsemeat scandal, so for purely party political advantage Labour and Libdems have made a story where none existed which can only be to the detriment of the Scottish beef industry.
These are the people who will be promoting Scotland’s interests in the event of a no vote. Scary!
I always wondered how and when the media would find something to try and pin on Lochhead, who seems to be the quiet success of the cabinet. I suppose congratulations should go to the SoS for contriving to find something.
Cameron
Would that be flogging a dead horse? Ok sorry, over and out.
For Chic and Sheena:
The Annual Prawn Ball
The Annual Prawn Ball
was open to all,
from the mighty blue whale
to the smallest sea-snail.
Invitations went out
to the shark and the trout
and seating arrangements
were almost worked out.
Hyped and promoted
from ocean to sea,
to every small inlet
from fjord to zee.
The PR was perfect.
The planning was sound.
When the prawns looked for problems,
not one could be found.
The progamme was ready,
the parts were all cast
and the best, as is usual,
was saved until last.
A bright phosphor light-show,
a swirling ballet,
then synchronised swimming
and free food – hooray!
first came the crowds
in shimmering clouds,
then those on the make,
the haddock, the hake.
The big-shots came later
and caused quite a buzz,
some small-fry now thinking
‘the menu is us’.
The whales stayed aloof,
with healthy disdain.
Their lofty position
they couldn’t profane.
The sharks went for retro,
like fifties drive-ins,
all flashy wide grilles
and stylish tail fins.
The parade was quite dazzling,
the audience grew faint
as bright neon starlets
led clowns in greasepaint.
At last came the moment,
awaited by all,
here comes the Prawn Princess
and the Queen of the Ball.
The King Prawn was proud
as a King Prawn could be,
for one fleeting moment
King of the Sea.
The chic Queen of Prawns
couldn’t fail to impress
in her tiny black shoes
and her prawn cocktail dress.
Everyone loved her,
even the skate.
Not a creature could harm her
nor wish her ill fate.
But as things tend to do
when all things seem well
dark forces had gathered
in deep ocean swell.
A streamlined invader,
with deadly, sharp snoot,
flew through the throng
not giving a hoot.
With lightning-fast impact
he speared for his tea
the King and the Queen
and the daughter, all three!
He’d gone to the ball
with the best of intent
and for most of the show
he was quiet, content.
He’d witnessed it all
in a state of near bliss,
but the tasty prawn sandwich
was too good to miss.
Rev Stu.
You will always reign king of the puns. How do you know them all? You Mustang out with all the right people. For that reason, I will stick by you, any pal of yours is a palomino!
OK, a bottle too many but when did horsemeat turn into seafood?
Jesus?!
You guys, with all your puns, are just a bunch of grand nationalists
FFS Creag an Tuirc. You boar the rocks off me!
@Richie
“OK, a bottle too many but when did horsemeat turn into seafood?”
“Jesus?!”
Salmon on the mount?
Withers or not you are religious, that was surely in bad taste (taste bad). I suppose we will be saddled with these jokes until the Rev. chooses to rein us in.
That’s enough, ehm oot.
How long before Shergar’s DNA turns up proving him to be the best long distance runner ever. Now someone should get the bit between their teeth and geld SOS without anaesthetic. I’ll saddle up now and
link to youtube.com
Mince.
Don’t think I can take much mare of these stories.
SoS are a bunch of cowboys trying to take us all for a ride.
On a totally different issue, I see Cameron has spoken out (or an attempt anyway) in defence of the Union. One key line should be jumped on (and it does make you wonder)
“I have no time for those who say there is no way Scotland could go it alone,” he said.
Interesting to the point that it ends all nonsense about how we are ‘too wee, too stupid, too poor’. If the PM can see that. It’s a line that we should be casting up at every turn to the media, when they start their nonsense. The other point is …once again, is Cameron doing reverse-thinking here, and telling us to go for it????
I think it’s time for pastures new; After all as the fern said to the flower bed “with fronds like these who needs anemones” Now , now, don’t cast nasturtiums about my jokes. I get them cheep from a chicken, two bob a pun.
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Maybe it’s a big horse.
Maybe it’s a big horse who?
Maybe it’s a big horse I’m a Londoner…
Was discussed earlier this morning on Derek Bateman (Radio Scot) even guest suggested SOS ‘seem to be losing the plot over the independence question’.
The whole prog is worth a listen.
How do these arseholes even look at themselves in the mirror after this constant dishonesty, smearing, lies and propaganda? Don’t they feel as dirty and pathetic as they look?
Who wrote the article? Don Quixote?
I heard this on the radio yesterday:
roses are red,
voliets are blue,
I would rather be in a burgger,
than melted for glue.
Tinhat on, ducking for cover.
Too many horse’s hoofs at SOS. They just aren’t stable.
@Albamac
Bravo! That’s a keeper.
Carrol could ne’r have bettered
The fiendish plot in use
In the meter oft employed by
The good old Dr Seuss.
I always thought the wife’s Ballymany Surprise tasted a bit too livery! It’s a stable in our freezer.
Never mind. Romanian Trot Pot tonight!
@Chic McGregor
Thanks, Chic! Embedded in my psyche by years of reading to our kids – performance poetry.
All these puns have been made off the hoof …!
I must admit I have fallen asleep on the Saddle a couple of times as I get older. Lookes like I will have to cut down on the Malt Whisky. My old Filly’s neigh bothered too much.
For when you’re really hungry, our local bistro does an as much as you can eat,
Cheval En Crouteux.
( Crouteux= Scabby!)
I’ve heard Findus are doing sea-horse pies now, although as a “new-marketing” idea I think it will fall at the first hurdle.
@Richie
“OK, a bottle too many but when did horsemeat turn into seafood?”
Mea culpa. twas me wot done the ‘seahorse segway’.
What’s the bets that Labour’s script writers will be busy scribbling rubbish about this story to blame Richard Lochhead for FMQ’s. IMHO Richard Lochhead is doing a good job with limited powers and funds he has and I am sure most of Scotland’s producers, farmers probably think so as well. If it’s not this story for FMQ’s by Lamentable one it might be bedroom tax rubbish that Labour are blaming the SNP for building council houses with bed rooms to big.
The serious point here is that no Scottish processed food producers have been involved with any suggestion of horsemeat contamination of their products. Don’t ever buy SoS but where’s the link to “being asleep on the job”?
Btw, had an interesting conversation with several young Scottish farmers recently, and the consensus of opinion regarding the referendum was that if the question was based on the performance of Richard Lochhead and the SNP in relatio to farming, the result would be 100% YES.
The downside of the conversation was that almost everyone hadn’t a scoobie about the wider economical issues, and were reluctant to commit on that basis. Plenty of work still to do – does anyone in the YES camp think about approaching groups like the SNFU I wonder?
I had a conversation with a colleague at the end of last week about progress to date on the Scottish government’s ongoing programme to eradicate the BVD virus from Scottish cattle and Scotland. He described his own practice’s efforts to encourage the initiative among its own clients, and I remarked that if all large farm practices took a similar approach it would soon be done and dusted.
He said, “Aye, there’ll be nothing left for us to do but stand at the border and point and laugh.” This being a reference to the fact the England refuses to undertake a similar eradication programme and is rapidly turning into a bovine pest-house.
I remarked that devolution had been invaluable, because without it we would have been unable to do anything about this (and other animal health issues like sheep scab), and to be honest it wasn’t something I had anticipated when I voted Yes in 1997. He concurred.
I then went on to say that while I wasn’t supposed to be political with my agriculture students, it was all I could do to stop myself from saying to my class, “look, just vote yes next year or we’re all screwed.” My colleague agreed enthusiastically.
I hope there are more conversations like this going on across the industry.