The secret of comedy
Posted on
September 01, 2013 by
Rev. Stuart Campbell
Let’s end an ugly week on a fun note, shall we?
Above is a shot of Willie Rennie, Johann Lamont, [no idea], Alistair Darling and Ruth Davidson at Saturday’s top-secret “public meeting” of No Glasgow. Darling is clearly finding something highly amusing, while the other four have faces like burst coupons.
But what can it be, and why don’t the others get it? Give it your best shot, readers!
(And for heaven’s sake keep it light, eh?)
he’s probably just realised he’s the sexiest, smartest and most intelligent person on stage
Vote NO next year and I promise you all I will become the next Chancellor of the Exchequer!
“OK – it was me and I still laugh at my own farts!”
He is amazed how many people called ‘reserved’ didn’t turn up.
Audience member: “Mr Darling, can you confirm you are being paid around a thousand times more for showing up today than everyone else on stage?”
Darling: “That’s right, Ruth. Lean waaay back… the next one may smell even worse *grin*”
He he – I’m an ex-Chancellor, so I’ll get a peerage whatever happens, though I reckon you losers have had it.
could be one of 2 things. Either a mirror on the back of the best banner in front of him, or maybe he just saw the oppositions beavis and butthead poster! http://t.co/EixtK0ywTV
The Old guy’s Spanish timeshare problems have sent him loopy.
Alistair remembers that being born a Londoner he can ditch an independent Scotland and get an rUK passport.
Alistair doesn’t to see a “United with Labour” jacket in the crowd. Gordon fail.
At the interactive day dreaming competition, Alistair Darling reveals what he really thinks of the other panellists….
He’s just seen the BBC Scotlandshire referring to them as The Nay Team and he’s just happy he is John Hannibal Smith
“Alistair: ‘The Best of Both Worlds’ – another name for house flipping?”
Mmmm Beer, I love beer, a pint of Best Bitter makes my day.
Or…. Alistair inadvertently shows he is the only one whose chair has a built in massager
Alistair finds he’s sitting beside a Tory has a warm glow of fellow feeling.
Alastair Darling hears that Bradley Manning now wants to be called Chelsea. taken at “Best of both worlds”. The annual international transgender conference.
“That’s another easy pay-out. I knew where Johann was all along and they still gave me the reward”
They’re looking at the private polling, which is showing them that they are in for a whooping at the referendum. Oor Wullie, Johann and Ruth are not pleased about this. Meanwhile, Darling’s been possessed by something with a personality.
AD “These fucking idiots are still buying into my bullshit”
Alistair remembers that Willie, Johann and Ruth believe that they are party leaders and wants to snigger.
Alaistair still thinks it’s a good idea they’ve come on stage to the music of Sham 69, a band named after a shattered toilet.
AD: Jeez what a bunch of losers you lot are. I’m the only one who wins with a NO vote and you bunch of losers are backing me all the way to yet another house flipping exercise and no one can stop me! hahahaha!
After I finish here, I’m going to Susan Calman’s comedy show.
“Do you smell that?” “That’s ripe” “Better out than in”
“One potato two potato three potato four,five potato six potato seven potato more…….dum de dum de dum dum dum,do de dum de dum doo,dum de do doo,dum de do doo,prrum dee diddle aye doo,three wheels on my wagon and im just rolling along,dum dede dum, dum de do doo,prrum dee diddle aye doo…….twinkle twinkle little star, im more important than you think you are,my pension pot is nice and full,if smile ill look so cool,just take a look at this stage you’ll see,I’m so great you cant steal a twinkle over me…….”
Dalring is thinking to himself as he giggles, ‘thank goodness they didn’t play we are the diddymen!’
A questioner asks, if Scotland votes no, which one of you gets the peerage, the title, the ermine collar, the expenses and the flunkey serving tea?
AD. “I know that one, can I answer please, please?
RD. “Shut the fuck up Alistair or we will never get out of here.”
WR. “Aye if he disnae shut up I`ll miss the start of I Love My Country.”
JL. “Mibby if I stare into the distance I will look clever.”
No Idea “Where am I? And who are these people?”
The Best Of Both Worlds is the name of a Star Trek TNG episode featuring the Borg – the other four have all been assimilated already – Darling’s next!
And slightly o/t – do we think they are trying to say something by using a font that looks like it should be on a sign for ‘Ye Olde Butcher Shop’ in some sort of heritage village?
And the winner of this years ‘best eyebrows’ crown goes to……..
A questioner asks the panel who’s going to take the blame in the Scottish Parliament for public service cuts after a no vote.
“Why yes, I *am* a millionaire.”
It has just been announced that the Chipperfields are on next.
He’s the winner of the design a sign competition, his is the white background one and the others worked on the dark blue background one. ( why are the signs different to each other? it’s triggering my desire to fix non matching things)
Darling rehearses a joke to himself:
“My mother designed stethoscopes,
and my father was called Mike,
Now when someone leaves a microphone lying on my seat,
I don’t know whether to pick it up and speak,
or just stick it up my …….”
Alistair realises he’s on the platform but Gordon isn’t.
Trying again.
The panel is asked if politics has made any of them millionaires.
Isn’t “no idea” Kezia Dugdale, aka Fifi la Bonbon, the nastiest voice on the old Scotsman comments threads bar none?
Willie, Johann and Ruth think they’ve spotted Alex Salmond in the crowd. Alistair’s got his eyes closed and is thinking of London.
Alistair – I won, I won, I won, I told you something beginning with F was floor. See I’m the best at I-Spy on this platform.
Another please !!!! oh something beginning with “T” and you sook it ????
“And slightly o/t – do we think they are trying to say something by using a font that looks like it should be on a sign for ‘Ye Olde Butcher Shop’ in some sort of heritage village?”
I think it is in retaliation for Rev. nicking their previous font and to make it difficult to copy again.
http://wingsoverscotland.com/stag-night/#comments
His mole at the Daily Record has just told him that Gordon Brown is to return to ‘front line’ politics………. again!
The rest have just heard the same news
The two doubles Alistair Darling knocked back to distance himself from the vaguely leftish couple on his right kick in.
Johann and Alastair both contemplate the meaning of HER being HIS boss.
Picture caption: ‘See we don’t all dress in red all the time, sometimes it’s black!
Well now that we have filtered out the riff-raff it’s nice to know that we can talk freely as we are all amongst friends!
Alistair remembers that “Dancing Gordon” video on Youtube. link to youtube.com
Flippity do da, flippity day
My oh my, whatever can I say
I got their money and stashed it away
And these silly No-bodies still want me to stay
Morag – Kezia Dugdale was my thought too – Johann not allowed out alone.
He’s got one of those Ann Summer thingys on at full clout, coz that’s the only friend he’s ever had.
MC has just finished saying, ” and a huge thank you to Alistair Darling for doing such a wonderful job in leading this hugely successful co-ordinated campaign”.
Willie didn’t notice, being on the end, but the others couldn’t believe what Alistair did with the microphone
A questioner asks, Will there still be a Scottish Parliament after a no vote?
“Ah that’s better. the Tories are now finally to the left of us”.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please give a huge welcome to our glorious leader,, Mr Alistair Darling”
Enid Blyton’s ‘Five Have A Mystery To Solve‘ took on a
sinister twist as the ‘truth team’ struggled with
A Positive Case For The Union…
Alistair just loves it when a plan comes together.
A questioner asks, in the event of independence do the MSP’s or the MP’s get to stand for the new Scottish Parliament?
You can hear a pin drop as Alistair tells story of RBS calling him to say, “We are hours from collapse, you incompetent deregulating bastard…”
Can we leave the transgender issue for another day? I’m pained that ‘Thousand Flowers’ has felt the need to take aim at this site, but frankly, I totally see their point. However this whole situation could have been avoided with a little care. Our opponents are the folk in the photo. Let’s avoid the own goals meanwhile.
Alastair is asked what he thinks of plans to allow “house flipping” in an independent Scotland.
Alistair is musing how he can match the Yes Glasgow attendance of 700.
150 SLAB councillors inside, 500 Nat protestors outside, plus 50 turtle infiltrators in the hall, that’s it!
So now we know what its like when only one of the gang drops magic mushrooms.
And I’d have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those pesky reptiles.
I wonder if the other have vibrating chairs too.
Only Alastair likes mince and after the meeting it’s mince rolls all round.
The best of both worlds: The real one and the odd topsy-turvy one we unionists inhabit.
Alistair was ecstatic to see that so many people turned up from the Peter Brady appreciation society.
Alistair is the only one who can see love in Blair MacDougall’s eyes.
Alistair reflects on how utterly brilliant he is, at everything.
“I saved the world economic situation from being worse than it could have been.
I am still in frontline politics, and Gordon isn’t.
I came up with the “Best of Both Worlds” theme, and the old Bakery style to conjour up feelings of security. (That really was brilliant.)
And it was my idea to use the Mitchell Library, and the poster on the door diverting some of the library visitors in here instead.”
Jenny’s really annoyed that Alistair told someone the attendance was over 700 as the hall only holds about 400.
Darling showing the benefit of his years of Westminster ‘smugness’ training – “It’s called clout, don’t you know….”
AD: “Can you believe all of these fucking idiots are going to vote to keep me in a job?”
Alistair thinks positive, one year to go and whatever happens I’m out of Jockland.
Kezia Dogbreath. Lard george fucks little pet. A more shining example of the evil of labour you would struggle to find this side of kelly, T and Anus S.
“Kezia Dogbreath. Lard george fucks little pet… Anus S.”
Yeah, thanks for “keeping it light”. We need this sort of thing like a bullet in the face. Official warning.
A member of the audience has just said “I’ve got a question for Lord Haw Haw”, and Darling has thought that they meant him and how nice it is that they think I’m a peer (it’s what I deserve!) – the darker side of the reference is not lost on the rest of the panel…
I wonder if there were any genuine potential attendees who were told that hall was booked up? I don’t mean at the door, I mean when they contacted BT about coming to the event? If they were as popular as they’d like to think, surely there should have been a point when they had to tell people who inquired that the venue was full?
But come to that, I wonder if the thought police at the door turned away any ordinary punters who happened to be wearing jeans or called Douglas?
I hope there’s a good turnout on the 21st, anyway. Won’t be vetting people in advance, or turning them away.
I wouldn’t put it quite like that Peter, but maybe if Stu compares “no idea” to the numerous online photos of Miss Dugdale, he can amend the caption to add her name.
Announcer: “Laydeezangennelmen, just before William Mason and the Flutes take to the stage, please welcome Alistair Darling and… some other people.”
Bye Peter, been nice knowing you.
Darling is thinking “I’m voting Yes!”
Alistair is singing (in his head) ……… “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down”
Can we leave the transgender issue for another day? I’m pained that ‘Thousand Flowers’ has felt the need to take aim at this site, but frankly, I totally see their point.
Disagree on their point, but agreed on leaving it for another day.
Aaahh Best! I’d murder thou with scampi fries…..
Dear old Alistair Darling has just heard the latest unionist joke.
link to theguardian.com
I second what Taranaich said.
Also, I don’t think that’s Kezia Dugdale in the middle. Looks *like* her, but not *exactly* like her.
Audience member: “Hands up who’s a socialist”.
“what….no questions?….at all?…..really…..come on, somebody please…..those who’ve just woken up, do you want to ask anything…..no?…”
Darling realises he’ll comfortably catch his plane back to London….
A big black monolith has descended over the audience and Councillor Terry Kelly is throwing lollipops up into the air. This thrilling 2001-style set piece is supposed to signify the next stage of devolution, but Ruth, Johann, Willie, and the other one, haven’t worked out perspective yet, and Alistair’s comrades are incredibly confused by all that floaty blackness in front of them.
Johann thinks someone has stolen part of her retinas, Willie thinks part of the sky has fallen in a year early, and Ruth thinks Johann has stolen her retinas as punishment for Ruth stealing Johann’s retinas. God knows who the other woman is.
Councillor Terry Kelly is crying like a baby as a result of his half-sucked lollipops sticking to the suspended-from-the-ceiling cardboard monolith. “No one gets out the building until I am properly recompensed”, he shouts.
Darling can’t help but see the funny side of it all as he throws the emergency bag of Chewits in Terry’s direction. “Don’t eat them all at once”, he says, “or you’ll glue your jaws together like last time.”
And first prize in the “Look like a Puppet” contest goes to Alistair Darling, for his Thunderbirds look. In second place is Johann Lamont, for her very good Zelda from the Terrahawks, and in third place we have Willie Rennie, for his excellent Fraggle.
Unfortunately Ruth Davidson’s Dora the Explorer was disqualified because Dora was see buy the judges as a cartoon character and not a puppet.
See you next year.
At the announcement by an audience member that there will be no badger cull in Scotland.
Britain’s Got Talent – I can do it Simon pick me…
And a wee song – Smile Like You Mean It – The Killers
He is probably just remembering that joke he heard last week
TONIGHT….LIVE FROM GLASGOW….IT’S THE NA-A-A-A-A-A-Y TEAM!!!!
From the left ….we have MISTER TEA!!!! Go on Wullie, away and put the kettle on.!!!!
On the news that he has landed the lead in a new 80’s movie remake “Darling, I Shrank The Economy.”
“…so we flipped the house again and now it’s fully kitted out, courtesy of the taxpayer. Don’t you love being able to change your designated second home all the time? Oh, MSPs can’t do that? What a shame…”
Alltogether now,
Darling’s taken Charley, Charley, Charley
Darling’s taken Charley, funded by Project Fear
If I smile… right about now… I bet I’ll get on Wings.
@BBC Scotlandshire
As in ‘Red bull gives you wings’?
I’m trying to apply the ‘Something Rory Bremner might say’ filter rather than a ‘Something Frankie Boyle might say’ filter, hope I haven’t exceeded
He just recognised Gordon Brown sitting up the back despite the baseball cap, sunglasses and tracksuit.
I wonder if Darling is laughing because he’s just heard the results of the latest poll held over on BBC – Scotlandshire.
link to bbc.scotlandshire.co.uk
Someone from the audience just said “There’ll be no more buses, Tories or Gregg’s in an independent Scotland.”
Audience member:”Right Ah’m offski! Ah thought ‘Better Together’ wis a datin agency, but the only yin faniciable up there is ‘badger brows’ an he’s a wee bit auld fur me,”
when I sit down, I will join in, with our better together look.
get the better together look. its a winner.
Best of Both Worlds
Aye I guess they are in t’other world…. the Twilight Zone
“wasn’t it a really great idea of mine to get a local brewery with a beer called
“the BEST of BOTH WORLDS”
btw the beers are on Joanne,
well that’ll be 1,2,3,4,5 six beers please barkeep and shes paying
Ha Ha it’s Willies turn next to wear that Pink Jaicket
o/t
not really sure if this is comedy or not because I am genuinely confused?
Cartriona Shearer (BBC Scotland) tells us the the Scottish government has told businesses that they face fines if they don’t recycle more waste
“the Scottish government target is to recycle 70% of all waste and send only 5% to landfill by 2025”,
what happens to the other 25%?
feed it to the poor?
Everyone on the panel except Darling has heard the latest Panelbase poll results.
I think I’ve got the answer all by myself,
I think the other 25% well we’ll just chuck it in the bushes ,
like the assholes who do just that with their MacDonalds packaging when they come off the dual carriageway on their way home from the MacDs in Kirkcaldy
john king
unionist don’t do Math
it looks like they are stoking another SNP= Fascist story instead of SNP lead the way on a better future for your grand children.
I don’t think the one in the middle is Kezia. I think its our old friend from the Better Together stand at Baxter Park (Maybe the Rev can Photoshop in a better picture of her?)
It’s not Kezia Dugdale in the middle, it was a Sophie someone, I think. By my reckoning more a Tory than a Labour person.
Mr. Darling thought it was wind, he was wrong!
This is who was sitting in the middle a Lib Dem not a Tory, well one in the same, anyway …..
link to scotlibdems.org.uk
That little aside point I made earlier about rubbish chucked into the bushes made me think about the kind of people who do that, (which really disgusts me) and I thought, if your the sort of person who has a love of and respect for you own country would you be likely to despoil it by throwing your rubbish out you car windows, and leave it for someone else to clean up,
and I thought, isn’t that what the dependence movement are all about really?
just muddle along just drop all your crap where you want and let Westminster sort it all, we don’t need to worry about anything because they make all the big decisions for us,
taranach used exactly the right word yesterday, CRAVEN
VOTE YES TO KEEP YOU COUNTRY TIDY
“Sophie is proud and excited to have been selected as the Scottish Liberal Democrat candidate for Glasgow Maryhill and Springburn. Sophie soon fell in love with the area after moving here from Sussex in 2009”.
Oh come on! We all know it’s Sophie ‘think you see my hands?’ Bridger, the world famous ventriloquist.
And another thing – Belhaven might want to ask their lawyers to take a look at the font used in “Best”, it’s rather uncomfortably close IMO. Remember, the Bitters have form in this area.
John King, I think the 5% is maybe 5% of waste that is recyclable, rather than waste which is not. So it would be 5% of waste which was recyclable + the un-recyclable waste which would go to landfill. The trouble of course with recycling is that the economy has to be good. The economic downturn has limited market demand for recycled raw materials. The cost of recycling is then cost prohibitive.
To be fair BBC Radio Scotland reported Courier story that latest Panelbase opinion poll puts YES on 44% NO 42% and don’t know 13%. Game on as Nicola says.
However Herald leads on Osbourne’s claim that Scots will be £2000 worse off with Independence ………over 30 years and on page 2 Brown claims that we need the UK to have a fairer society!!!!
@AnotherLondonDivided
The Brown stuff was reported yesterday too, he’s speaking today at a United With Labour meeting, the folks, apparently, who’re not so happy sharing the stage with the coalition parties.
Just enlarged the photo and I still think that the one in the middle is the Dugdale.
Closer inspection of the images of Rennie and Lamont indicate there is really only one of them and the second person has been photoshopped in.
Like two peas in a genetically modified pod.
@btf
It isn’t her, as I’ve posted above, of course you may be taking the piss!
Alastair Darling , smiling embarrassingly and raising himself tentatively from the clinging seat, was heard to remark “I really did think it was just wind”.
He’s not smilin , it’s thit disability ting ! The tick twitch
If it sounds like shit, then I guess it is shit, but the truth is I DO NOT CARE IF IT’S SHIT!
I STILL GET PAID FOR IT !!
AD has just seen Blair McShoogle fall off his unicycle crushing his budgie.
@Archie(not Erchie)
That gets my vote, still laughing, oh I do appreciate a visual joke, thank you.
“If you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs –
Then it’s quite possible you haven’t fully grasped the seriousness of the situation.”
It certainly looked like Kezia to me, from the photo, but hey guys, Alison was THERE, so I don’t think any of us is in any position to argue!
AD is quite relaxed and comfortable sharing a platform with the other London unionist parties. The others, clearly, are not. JL looks particluarly stone-faced. Perhaps she now finally realizes, just how toxic it is to side with the tories and defend the union. AD has the comfort of the Westminster bubble to retreat to. He has no idea what is really going on in Scotland.
Keep smiling, Alistair.
@Morag
Oh dear have I rather made that point too often, you know that I was there?
I absolutely didn’t mean that to come over like that. Quite the opposite. I was merely reinforcing that you were clearly right so there was no point in arguing.
@Morag
I’m joshing, to be frank I think I have rather over done the I WAS THERE!
Not that’ll stop me you understand!
Darling considers the profit from his next house-flip.
Whit a PARCEL O ROGUES and all in the one photograph! Willie the Luddite lib. Jo-hann am yer man. Darling the sleekit silver fox (wi the black brews). And the delectable tolly leader Ruth nae truth.
alistair whats up johann?
joahnn lamont och av jist been to the doctors to see what the spot was between ma tits. A wis relieved to be telt it wis jist ma belly button
Is that the panel of judges for the new tv reality contest show “Britain’s Got No Talent’ where hopeful Britnat spongers and parasites get a shot at the big time of becoming MPs and getting their snouts in the Westminster trough?
Hopefuls have to perform in front of some of our nation’s biggest and most successful losers such as Alistair Darling whose party, when in office, laid waste to three countries – Afghanistan, Iraq and the UK. If he can’t spot a potential disaster-in-the-making worth supporting no one can. After all he’s not the head of Better Together for nothing.
He’s smiling because he’s remembering all the good times when he was Chancellor for 15 months when he single-handedly saved the British economy, setting all sorts records in no time at all, and he’s going to do the same for Better Together and the Union.
The other four are wondering what they’re possibly going to do to fill up a full year until the referendum takes place. They might be daft but they’re no stupid and no millions in the bank like Darling to fall back on when they lose and are out a job.
A’body’s wondering who should tell Alistair to be more respectful when attending a wake!
Is Darling saying ” And the beauty of it is,even if they vote yes, I still get to keep my job, stay in London, AND get my peerage , what about you guys ? “
“And the beauty of it is,even if they vote yes, I still get to keep my job, stay in London, AND get my peerage , what about you guys?”
WINNER!
LOL thanks Rev, “the best of both worlds” takes on a whole new meaning for Alistair !